Real love -- I'm, like, searchin' for that Queer Love -- LGBTQIA+ Love // A Thread for the Real Ones

you will absolutely go out to a bar and pick someone up again, it is so inevitable

Date tonight. At a (rooftop) bar. I shoulda asked if he's jabbed.

first date? how did you meet? brown hair, big heart, bat eyelashes?

you know Stevie it's just at first it was pandemia, and then health stuff that's going to take another 6 months to settle. just didn't realize I'd be singing the same tune for the goddamn 3-year dark ages. but whatever i'm going to get so many beauty treatments when this is all through I plan on looking like Princess Jasmine meets Bella Hadid. mark my words.

also i quit smoking forever and it's truly something else. going on 6 months.

my new issue of BUTT just arrived!!!!!!!!!

omg i already read some of the poems
how is it at large?

is it large?

C'mon Simone, let's talk about your big "but."

I haven't read it yet bcz I got it at work and then *brag alert* went straight to my fuck buddy's house for a cute date and only just got home a few hours ago!!!

butts all around

butts rule everything around me

OK SO
I'm not a butt man and i keep feeling more and more alone
like American men are just obsessed with them
i feel like there's something wrong with me

Stevo you're killin it these days

don't care about the outside, it's what's inside that counts imo

like the way it feels?

yeah! i mean not to get too tmi or too cliche i guess but i just think anuses are this incredible part of us lol and i really like experiencing them.

So! My Saturday night date sold me out. I suspected trouble when I had to text him 15 mins before meeting: he was running late thanks to a "minor emergency" at his parents', whatever that means (what's a "minor" emergency?). Luckily a friend kept me company at the bar.

An hour later, date texts: "On my way, send location address plz?" That's the last I heard of him. For a while I thought he died -- until I saw a an Instagram post Sunday morning.

He's 24, a former student who emailed me four years after class to ask about getting a beer or coffee. On determining he was queer he gushed: he praised my self-assurance, brains, looks, etc. We might've met that night had I not plans already. It's worth noting I barely remember this kid in summer 2018.

I wonder if simply not showing up is a phenomenon of the young?

Anusii are a cliche?

that sucks. definitely hit next. it's been a phenomenon of the young and old as long as i've been dating tbh. xp

Yeah, I wanted to avoid generational generalization, but a few viejos noted The Vanishing has been more prevalent in the last four years.

I've ghosted more than my share, I should note.

I have never done this, to my knowledge?

me eiths it's dumb
I'm too polite though

wassup homieslice

good morning!

Mornin' sunshine!
What's on the platter?

I'm vegetarian tonight.

sexually or culinarily?

Lady Bracknell : Well, both, if necessary, I presume!

So, I’m in one of the only two gay bars in Marbella (southern coast of Spain) right now, and the thing here is that high heeled shoes are passed around, everyone tries them on, and then they take their turn swishing down what passes for a catwalk. Pleased to report that my boy got the loudest applause of the night. We make our own entertainment.

The bar is filling up because at 4am they close the doors, bring out the ashtrays, and everyone can smoke indoors.

We will be back tomorrow for drag queen bingo.

omgggggg jealous

Oh I forgot to mention the seventy something naked woman who did her catwalk turn clutching a large stuffed teddy bear.

stop

jealz to the max

Just ended a fabulous evening with j0rdan.

yesss. what did y'all do?

we went to a sports bar so i could watch basketball while we talked about madonna

...and Mariah Carey. And my terrible non-date last week.

ok well that sounds ideal (sorry for the delay how the hell do three days go by?!)

you know i saw Madonna's Mme X tour
she could still put on a show, i just wonder if it isn't time for her to maybe think about doing something else

we had dinner with Stevie last night!! and then he came back to our place and we plied him with amaro and we talked about sheryl crow and natalie merchant and celine dion and it was just a total delight <3

Amaro! Sheryl Crow! Sounds like my kind of night.

sounds like a blast

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHxbxAQSQMM

uhhhhhh i had no idea wallace shawn was in a chaka khan video lol

he's in everything!
also I'm pretty sure I've had that night before lol so fun xp ❤️

wassup docs
it's eighty goddamn degrees here today
too soon yo

lovely haiku

it's only about 70 here. we've had some random bursts of heat over the past few weeks though.

next week i will be in seattle, where it's gonna be 50 and rainy no doubt. i forget, are any of y'all based there? would love recs on things and places to do/see/eat/drink there!

Wish I had more Recs than go to PONY and the gay Karaoke bar on Cap Hill, and also you simply must visit the main public library, it is everything a public library should be imho

85 degrees already

omg I've always wanted to go to Seattle

5 AM thoughts.

Thinking again about gender, and what it means to me. It's hard to talk about because I am a trans woman, a real woman, and I don't want to give the impression that I'm invalidating anybody else, particularly people who aren't confident or secure in their gender. I am extremely confident about being a woman. Everybody treats me like the woman I am. I'm happy about that.

And. And it's more complicated than that.

I may have talked about this before... a good friend of mine was talking some months back about going through some old letters a queer friend wrote her, way before she came out. And in one of the letters the guy was complaining about "faggy queens on estrogen". I immediately saw that and just felt that the people he was talking about were my queer ancestors. They're the people who paved the way for me. I like being a faggy queen, quite honestly. I don't much queen at work, I don't queen in settings where it's not appropriate - it's not a "dual role" thing, it's more of a code-switching thing. One of the things I've discovered from transition is that I do have a pretty strong bitchy queen streak, and I relish that. I embrace that.

The thing is that I just don't see that much of a fundamental difference between men and women. "What is a woman?", I sometimes hear who are deeply invested in patriarchy ask. I'm deeply invested in dismantling patriarchy, and my answer is, "What's it to you?" What gender am I? "Hot", my gender is "hot". Hot bitch. What's in my pants? Come tie me up and maybe you can find out, big boy.

If the preceding doesn't make it obvious, I'm a frustrated and incredibly horny femme. In theory I'm femme4femme, but I also have a really strong need to submit, and with femmes, I got a hard time getting that need met. Particularly, like...

Part of being a woman for me is that I'm allowed to be weak. I'm allowed to be weak and vulnerable without being policed for it. The flipside is that...

Look, I'm into what's called "CNC", "consensual non-consent". The main thing here is that in that situation, the dominant partner, we openly negotiate things, and we stick to what we've negotiated. The partner respects my boundaries. In practice, mostly what I've gotten is straight up NC, non-consensual. People who don't respect my boundaries and blame me, blame me for being weak and needy and not being able to take care of myself. That doesn't feel hot. That feels bad and gross and wrong, and I'm finally starting to figure out why, starting to figure out the difference.

I'm learning to take care of myself better. I'm responsible for myself. I'm learning to... to _not_ be weak and vulnerable. It's exhausting. It's so, so hard. And I just want... I just want a break sometimes. I hate the endless decisions. I can't do everything I need to do and be happy. I do most of what I need to do, the most important stuff. Enough to keep me out of crisis, out of crisis and exhausted and sad. I cry a lot. I cry a lot and then I do the dishes and take out the garbage and make sure the bills are paid and try, and fail, to do the job where I'm supposed to meet unreasonable expectations without the support or guidance I need.

I'm also learning that being weak and needy and demanding doesn't justify the... the pattern of my relationships, the pattern of people taking my weakness and using it as a pretext to do things to me I haven't consented to. That's not "helping" me or "supporting" me.

I got a theory, and I don't know if it's true or not, I could be dead wrong here, but I'll say it, and if people come down on me hard for it, I radically accept that. It's the thing with bisexual women. I'm a bisexual woman, and I'm pan, and a lesbian, and a dyke, and a lisping queen. But I'm a bisexual woman, and the stereotype is that bi women are into all women and five men. In practice, a lot of bi women are in relationships with one of those five men, and often get invalidated for it. I knew someone once who lived with a woman and a man, and I said oh, you're poly, I see you. And she said no, actually, that's not it. That's what I get for assuming. She's a lesbian but she's married to a man that she and her partner live with. Not just as a "beard", but because women are so fucking marginalized. Men have access to resources and stability that women don't.

And the estrogen, you know, I'm not saying this is how it is for everyone but... I don't know if I like men more, or if I'm more comfortable liking men. I fantasize about having someone strong who will support me and be there for me and help me be my best self. The challenging thing is that I had that. I had a partner who genuinely was all those things. And also didn't respect my consent and sexually assaulted and abused me.

I guess I'm maybe a little unusual in that all of my life the people who have had power over me, the people who have abused that power, have been women. My mom, my ex-spouse, I mean, basically those two. I get suspicious sometimes and try to make other people fit a pattern that they don't necessarily fit so well. The common denominator isn't them, it's me. It's not even my ex-wife, so much, it's the trauma and abuse from my childhood, from my mom. I hate saying that because people are like "oh, domineering mother, that's what makes them queer", and it's not that simple, you know? Like, first off, there's nothing _wrong_ with being queer. There's nothing _wrong_ with my being a queen. Actually first off and last off. Full stop. Great, I had a domineering mother and now I'm a queen who has a need to submit, and people are like, well, you should not be that. Why? There's nothing wrong with who I am. I'm proud of who I am. I know there are people who find me disgusting. Those people are weird, Tim Walz weird (by the way I've come around to and now openly embrace that descriptor - it helps me conceptualize things a lot. I just had to get used to it.)

Where was I? Oh yes. The issue isn't that there are people who will take advantage of me and abuse me. The issue is that those are the people I've learned to trust, learned to seek out. That makes it hard. I mean, there are... most people aren't like that. I have more skills than I used to. I am better able to express myself, my needs, and my boundaries in an emotionally healthy manner, to where people will trust and respect me. I'm not blaming myself, but historically, I'm kind of a lot. My crises and general BPD shit have made it hard for a lot of people to deal with me. When my brain weasels flare up, I can treat people really, really badly. My ex put up with that on the grounds of "Kate _needs_ me" and in her mind that justified everything she did. It didn't, and when I didn't _need_ her anymore, only _wanted_ her, well, I started catching on to how totally fucked the situation really was, and that it wasn't, in fact, All My Fault. And I could, in fact, do better than that now. I could find someone who would validate that trust. Hell, forget "could", I have.

And I broke up with her because the other issue is that my dating pool is made up almost completely of marginalized and heavily traumatized people. I'm not talking about caretaking here, I'm talking about basic support. Stuff people take for granted, I don't _get_ that. I had this conversation with a co-worker yesterday and she just treated me like a _normal person_, I told her about my work situation and she listened to me and believed me and, like, supported me. Most people in my life can't fucking do that. When I say that queer people collectively don't have shit, I don't just mean financially. I mean this co-worker of mine is queer, and she's also in a stable, long-term partnered relationship, has been for decades. I'd kill for an opportunity like that. I've never actually had that. Right now, though? Right now I can't even find someone I trust to tie me up. I need both of those things, and I have neither. I got a job that's killing me, where I don't get the support I need, and friends who only talk to me when there's a crisis, and I say that and people tell me "Well, you need better friends," and no, that's not the problem. I don't need better friends. The world - the people in power, not folks here - needs to treat me and my friends with some basic fucking kindness and compassion and human decency.

But those people don't do that, and I guess I have to radically accept that. That, and all the fucked up, awful shit that happens to me and the people I care about on a regular basis. And all the fucked-up, awful shit we do to each other, even though we're not bad people, even though we're all doing our best. Sigh.

Anyway. That's my gay life this week. It sounds bad, but honestly, I'm doing OK right now, comparatively. When I'm doing really bad, I can't write or communicate at all.

hello! i'm so sorry i've been away! this year - just nutto. full speed ahead on the new job after getting laid off last summer, had to move after getting booted from my old apartment, fell in love. love is overwhelming! geez i guess i get why there are so many movies about it. the kissing - with my man - i swear i feel i'm on Venus when it happens, it just transports! anyway. i'm planning on getting back on a regular schedule with ilx - even though like, i prob won't have much interesting to update but then again, nothing really matters - as Madge said, all you need is love! (not the romantic kind, necessarily)

anyway hi!!

Back to school for some, off to the beach for me and the boyfriend. My first proper beach vacation in nine years!

Some friends from LA are joining us for the second week. They’re obsessed with The Notebook and I think we’re going to canoe through a swamp. I haven’t seen The Notebook. Love a swampy canoe ride tho

Not even three minutes ago a local film writer and I were gnashing our teeth at our fucking poet laureate introducing The Notebook at a revival screening this Sat afternoon.

have fun, goon!

Comma doing a lot of work there

hey hey. swen! love has come knocking at your door! and it sounds like you're answering :). fgti, a long spell at the beach sounds magical, and i hope it is that and whatever else it needs to be for you.

we just got back from a weekend in philly where we reconnected with our third. we got to meet up with steve d for dinner and it was great to see him - he kinda saved my life back in 2017 when he let me stay with him for two weeks. to table - sorry we didn't reach out - the time was very full. hopefully next time. highlights were the penn museum, trail running in wissahickon, meeting and clicking with some of a's artist friends, going to the gym i went to last time with my guys, walking around the woodlands cemetery.

gonna be a busy fall but i'm feeling good energy going into it.

Did I mention that we finally booked our honeymoon trip? We’re going to Porto.

Oooh! Report back. I'm going next summer, I think.

Congrats, DJP!

Also: hi, queers!

Thank you and welcome back!

btw fgti I have started using LoseIt and dropped almost 5 lbs in a week and a half (then gained 2 back in Nashville, lol); thank you very much for mentioning it and reminding me it existed (it’s waaaaay better now than it was the last time I looked at it)

Porto is beautiful, great choice :)

fell in love. love is overwhelming! geez i guess i get why there are so many movies about it.

oh hi swen!!! congrats!!!! me too :)

Did I mention that we finally booked our honeymoon trip? We’re going to Porto.

― laughter is the best weapon (DJP), Thursday, September 5, 2024 4:46 PM (six hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

Porto is lovely. Also when I went out to the gay bars while there I got drunker than I have ever been in my life. It's just a great town for experiences you'll never forget and experiences you'll never remember.

map, you came here and didn’t say hi? jeez. honestly a little disappointed.

just based on that response i'm not regretful.

i am glad you had a nice weekend, of course. more disappointed that we couldn’t meet in person!

well anyway, next time you’re here, would love to meet up

god all i was trying to do was express regret we couldn’t meet, and now i feel like i’ve basically fucked up the possibility of it ever happening. i wasn’t trying to be weird. fuck , i should just quit this damn site

ah man ok, i misread you. i think we'd have a gas meeting up, if you don't mind giving this sour bitch a chance :). it was really like, we only had 3 full days and we wanted to spend as much time with our 3rd as possible. and whenever we had a down moment we were basically too tired to do anything. we'll be out there again hopefully before next spring and hopefully with more time. would really enjoy connecting then.

that’d be lovely! i have free Philly Museum of Art admission and of course like Stevie know all the cutty spots to hike and cruise and etc ;)

hehe sweet. that's awesome. looking forward to it.

ILX gays, please, let's not assume the worst of each other. We've been cruising on this message board way too many years.

true true. still working on it. grateful for everyone's patience.

if anyone wants to come meet me in SF, I have a membership with SFMOMA and can admit one other person on any day.

I most recently went to see the Yayoi Kusama show at SFMOMA with a friend from North Carolina, it was fantastic, there were two total immersion rooms with floor-to-ceiling painted mirrors and weird inflatable objects that we were allowed to wander among by ourselves for a few minutes and take pictures, it was a very trippy experience.

But then we went to a room with nine big video screens. It was Ragnar Kjartansson's The Visitors. It was even more incredible, maybe the most moving experience I've had at a museum ever. I can try to describe it for you if you want

Porto sounds awesome.
Months ago my old boss offered me the use of her oceanview apartment in Algarve for a couple of weeks, it was supposed to be right around this time. I think the offer may have lapsed.
Going to Block Island next week. But also been doing a seminar at Columbia for a while (as a "member of the public") and looking forward to that starting up again.