Real love -- I'm, like, searchin' for that Queer Love -- LGBTQIA+ Love // A Thread for the Real Ones

Love everyone itt

Loved your responses, too, rushomancy! It got me thinking about how gay identity seemed at times intractable from “sexual viability” when it didn’t/doesn’t need to be

This has been a really interesting conversation to follow. The main thing I have to add to it as relatively newly-out bi man in a committed same-sex relationship is that one of the things my partner really liked about me and has really leaned into is that I have kids and a reasonably generous custody arrangement with my ex-wife that has them up with us multiple times a year and a significant chunk of the summer. It’s very much a positive for me that he’s so happy to support my parenthood and help when the kids are here and it really didn’t cross my mind as being a strictly heteronormative thing in our relationship.

DJP nothing brightens my day more than sunny updates like these :)

I love heteronormative dick!

I love heteronormative dick!

― Malevolent Arugula (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn)

like, in a platonic sense or...?

thanks for that pov on parenting djp. i'm glad to hear you have such great support.

when i close my eyes and think of myself in the future i see me and my (current) boyfriend, in our 60s, in a house somewhere, in the country? i think that last part is just tech/social media exhaustion, idk if i could hack it out in the country. anyway, maybe that's not queer in the general political sense but it is, by definition, gay, which i think is enough for me. i've actually never thought all that hard about what our social circle would look like... maybe it's not that important to me. i've always been someone who gravitates towards a person as opposed to a social circle, even in platonic relationships dating back to adolescence.

but as i get into my mid 30s i find my social interactions to be more intentional, people aren't just... around the way they were when i was 25, i don't go to random parties and run into ppl as much anymore. i feel more like i'm building a constellation of friends piece by piece as opposed to just picking and choosing from what happens to be around me, or glomming onto other groups that i find myself overlapping with socially. i've lived in new york long enough to have had plenty of friendships fall by the wayside in favor of real, bedrock decade-long relationships with people who are integral parts of my life. and frankly only during this process have i started to think a lot about gay friendships, gay spaces (the pandemic also exacerbated this, i felt the absence of gay acquaintances and strangers very acutely for the first time in my life). i started to think about where and who i'm spending my time with less thru the lens of career networking and more thru the lens of what makes me feel happy and fulfilled as a mortal being. but that also reflects a shift in me thinking about my identity as a person not thru what i do for (or with) my work but who i am as a human. we've lately found ourselves hanging w/ a lot of gay couples... i like that. spending time with gay couples makes me happy, seeing that kind of love, considering their interior lives in relation to my own, thinking about how gay people in longterm relationships at this age grow together, how they spend their time, what makes them happy, how we mutually fit into each other's lives in that way. some of them have sexual tension (not [yet?] consummated), some don't! i also enjoy spending time with single people (alfred) too :) i think i feel less cool in a superficial way now but more whole generally.

lol am I your only single friend

no i’m just shouting you out specially!

i feel more like i'm building a constellation of friends piece by piece as opposed to just picking and choosing from what happens to be around me, or glomming onto other groups that i find myself overlapping with socially.

This is what I was trying to express here yesterday morning. I've added several excellent friends in the last year, one of whom is gay; the rest are cool straights, younger than me, still apt to go on long bike rides to Key Biscayne beaches or for swimming in backyard pools on long weekends and having good conversations.

I've almost made my peace, though, with being the one who instigates hangouts even with my closest chums. Most are married with children or coupled. I get that I'm not the first person on their minds. COVID has increased my desperation for contact; I've realized that while I'm introverted and can go a few days without seeing anyone outside my job I also need banal/intense conversations over drinks, especially after a day of writing and teaching. So I don't mind taking charge when the rewards are considerable. I'm at my highest level of intimacy with several close friends. Reading Sarge's post, I realized, shit, I've been buddies with this guy for 12 years, has it been that long?

One of the weirder things is that I’ve yet to meet either of you irl, despite our being on the queer threads for what feels like the longest?!? I’ve met a lot of the other queers here.

I was also thinking the other day: What happened to Je55e? I know Corey is down in the panhandle, married, and seems to have a quiet and peaceful life.

Been too overwhelmed with other stuff these last few days to meaningfully contribute to this conversation, but I just want to say that DJP's post makes me extremely happy, and the rest of your posts are giving me plenty to chew on. This is a great group of queers!

Over the years I've lost touch with a lot of friends, gay and straight, because they've had kids, or they had to move out of the SF Bay Area for financial reasons or other job opportunities, or they have chosen to leave, some to Palm Springs but also to many other places. One of my best friends is moving back from NY, which I’m ridiculously happy about. I have also lost touch with some extended family members I really like. I know it is important to reach out to people to maintain contact, but I'm not an extrovert so it's been hard for me.

The friends and family that remain in my life are spread out over the world, but I feel comfortable enough around them that I am determined to stay close to them. For me this is what it has boiled down to.

today's convo just inspired me to send an e-mail to friends i haven't spoken to in awhile, thanks gayz <3

hung out with my oldest, closest gay friend yesterday and had a lovely time. we went to a big pride dance party and then had dinner together, the first time in awhile it's been just him and me without our partners. he teaches in a smallish college city on the east coast but moved out here in 2020 to be closer to people he knows during the pandemic, not wanting to feel isolated in a cold climate where he only really knows other faculty members. shortly after moving here he met his very sweet now-boyfriend and they've since moved in together. he has to go back to the east coast this summer and his bf's going with him (the bf has never lived anywhere else aside from here so this'll be a big move for him). i'm honestly gonna feel pretty sad about it when he leaves - lockdowns robbed us of a lot of potential hang-out time, but i loved being in the same city as him again and generally just feel lucky to know him and still be friends with him after 15+ years. sorry to be a sap but good, close gay friends really are precious.

that is a really nice post donna rouge

One of my best gay friends is going through cancer right now— we’ve been friends since 2004. It’s a damn good thing he lives close by and I can pop in with nice things for him and get some quality time in.

thank you dan S :) and i'm glad you feel determined to stay close to your people

xp sorry to hear T, but it's great that you're close enough to visit him regularly, and i'm sure your visits mean a lot to him

This thread is a good thread

Isn't this a lovely thread? The gay thread. What a lovely, clever name. Where the elite meet. Never have I seen so much elite.

ok fuck off

I suppose the sell-by date of All About Eve quotes has expired, Dan. Eric and I've been using them since the Bush II years.

and remember what I said upthread about cooling off and stop assuming the worst of posters?

I don't assume the worst of you Alfred at all, but that post was very condescending

(the post about the gay thread)

Joseph L. Mankiewicz, hon, was like that.

My long post seven hours ago makes clear what I think of this thread.

"Isn't this a lovely thread? The gay thread. What a lovely, clever name. Where the elite meet. Never have I seen so much elite."

― Malevolent Arugula (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Monday, June 13, 2022

I feel like I'm in sync with you for the most part Alfred, but that is an awful post and is not representative of you or of this thread at all

and I don't even exactly remember my comments about All About Eve, just that I didn't think it was as great as Sunset Blvd. It's depressing to think that you were mocking me about those comments

i’m kind of cracking up at a spat breaking out after everyone posts how wonderful this thread is… but i don’t think we need to derail the thread over this

Shut up J0rdan S

Just now:

Him: “the white mugs would be cleaned better w baking soda”
Me: “that sounds fascinating and maybe you could demonstrate by doing the dishes once in a while”
Him: “or you could do what my mom does…”
Me: “fuck your dad?”

It's depressing to think that you were mocking me about those comments

I wasn't -- I was quoting AAE, as usual. I'm sorry, though.

We all need to take a deep breath in this thread. The last 48 hours have been bizarre, certainly the surliest it's ever been. I'm not sure why we're assuming the worst from posters who've been on ILX in some form for almost two decades. We should start with the assumption that "no one here tries to be an asshole."

― Malevolent Arugula (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Monday, June 13, 2022 12:05 PM (

Oh just to be clear I was trying to be funny in telling J0rdan to "shut up"

Sorry if it came off otherwise (or just wasn't funny)

I understood!

How is this the second time in as many months that someone got seriously set off by All About Eve quotes?

I understood both times—

I want to note that while we can’t always agree with each other on other threads, we’re all here in some degree or other because the moral panic continues to be about us, some of us more than others obviously. While we can’t find agreement in other areas, it might be best to assume the best of each other, as Alfred says, because the ally straights are NOT going to be saving us from their infinitely more hateful counterparts.

fgti that is some grade-a repartee. elite even 🧐

we really do need more allyship, table otm. feel like some of the difficulty is text messageboard communication is so one dimensional it's hard to see each other!

Negronis on me!

alfred it would be lovely to meet you some time but i would need to order a mocktail or a shirley temple lol

do you still smoke weed? If so, we're good.

all the thumbs up

... or a milkshake?

A martini, please. Very dry.

i ate so much last night the thought of a milkshake hurts. sparkling water or kombucha. or water from the gd tap haha.

i drank cocchi and soda all saturday afternoon at the annual dyke pride picnic

... or a milkshake?

― Eggs Benedick (Eric H.)

...duck?

sorry I got bent out of shape last night, Alfred. I know now that I misread your intentions. I really like you and everyone else in this thread

Cheers!