Let's bitch about our stupid, annoying co-workers

Slowly being driven up the wall by a coworker who insists that she be the main character of our work lives every day. She used to be really friendly and generally easy to get along with, someone with whom others of us could vent shared frustrations. But slowly, over the last year or so, it's become her show and there just isn't room for anyone else.

Every slight, frustration, irritant, whatever she puts right out on us. If we aren't in the same room with her, it will be a wall of texts to our three person group chat about how irritated and upset she is. If we are near, she'll come over to our desks and unload it all. And I'm not judging, I absolutely 100% get the need to vent to the coworkers suffering similar annoyances and irritants. But it's a one-way street with her, once she unloads it, she shuts off and ignores anything we share that doesn't include her.

I've kind of been sensing this for a few months now, but over the last few weeks it has really been crystallized for me and the one other coworker (I'll call C) that used to really like her.

Last week, Tuesday, she sent both C and I dozens of frustrated texts about how she was left out of a meeting, about how she feels disrespected, about being ignored, etc. I get it, both myself and C did our best to commiserate and be a sounding board. Thursday C got a really nasty email about something that wasn't even her job and texted us to vent. I responded, but nothing from the other coworker. Not a single response all day. The next morning C talked to her in person and asked if she had offended her in some way since she didn't respond. All she said was, "I have no time for your negativity right now, I have a lot on my plate". Which, okay, sometimes we all need boundaries, at least she was clear. But two hours later our boss forgot to include her in a meeting invite, which triggered another avalanche of texts to C and I about how frustrated she was. Given her earlier comments, I wasn't sure how to even respond so I just let it go (as did C, apparently). Half an hour later she texts us, "did you guys not read my texts? I'm really frustrated and I feel like you aren't supporting me".

So, yeah, all judgments aside, clearly not someone I can count on to be a good work friend and, to be perfectly honest, it's worth all the work and minefield navigating that would require. So I've really scaled back on interacting with her about anything that isn't directly work related, but she still came up to me this morning again to vent about something else. I kind of brushed her off about a deadline I have (which had the added benefit of being true!), but I'm trying to figure out how to extricate myself further without being a total dick about it. It's still a small group in our office pod and like it or not, I'm stuck with her 15 feet away from me 30-40 hours a week.

I'm here for you if you want/need to vent about this crazy-making place, but if you are going to shut off when I need the same, sorry, I'm not going to absorb that all for you.

(sorry if that didn't make much sense, been slowly composing it between other tasks hence the disjointed nature)

No, that makes perfect sense.

I’ve had the unfortunate issue of similar experience in friendships— a friend who only contacts me when they need something from me, but who completely ignores any communications from me, sometimes even when I give them what they need!! It’s a food thing we’re not in the same city or coast anymore, otherwise a messy friend breakup would have happened years ago.

It's weird. I really don't need to be her friend and I wouldn't really care if it changed to a cordial work relationship, but I'm trying not to back away in a matter that might backfire. I don't know, work is stressful enough without another minefield I have to try and maneuver everyday.

I had a colleague somewhat like that not long ago. I gradually discovered that if I just didn't respond, she would drop it, or more likely move on to someone else.

as exhibit a for why I'm leaving (as mentioned in the Working from Home thread yesterday), these are grown adults I am referring to
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every time we have a new class, I have to basically Sherlock Holmes who the managers are, because the list is always inaccurate. they're also supposed to tell the new hires upon hire who their manager is (not me).

so this last bunch of classes, we were given a list, and we invited their managers to their touchbases with their learners, only to be told "wtf, I'm not this person's manager". and all of the new hires said they had no clue who their manager was, so I had to figure it out, even though that's not my job.

I was told the alignments were changed due to a crazy amount of people who didn't show, and given a final list. I shared it, only to be told five minutes later that one of the new hires reached out to their manager and was told that person wasn't their manager and didn't know who was. so I reached out to my contact who said "oh yeah, we made another change, here you go".

This roster was missing 15 people from it altogether, and she deleted all records of the old ones. so I asked, exasperatedly, can someone give me a goddamn accurate roster. I'm given one, and I send out AGAIN to my trainers, and within FIVE MINUTES of having sent it, am told one of the listings is wrong again.

At this point I flipped out, brought everybody into a chat room, and said "I'm leading a goddamn training right now, and every time I send a list of managers that I am assured is correct, five minutes later I'm told it is wrong by someone else. Can you all get together and figure this out?", and I disappeared for an hour and made them fix it.

2 hours later, they are again arguing that the new list they spent hours coming up with is wrong.

I then told my boss that I am leaving this job and posting for another position in another dept tomorrow, promptly after.

on a staff call and dying inside as a co-worker reminds us for the millionth time of how he once accidentally pronounced Deutsche Bank as douche bank. It was embarrassing enough when it actually happened, but why tf do we need to be reminded over and over.

the "funny story" that wasn't funny the first time.

at least he didn't accidentally transfer a customer to a sex line, like I did in my first three months at this company back in 04

*co-worker walks in the door with a wet, hacking cough, continues to cough for the next six hours*

me: "Do you need a mask? I have a few extra here."

co-worker: "It's not COVID, I've been testing. What the hell do I need a mask for?"

*endless internal screaming*

I rarely do--complain about co-workers...For the 20 years I was full-time, virtually ever T.A./E.A. I ever worked with was fantastic. I loved having an E.A. in the room; above and beyond their help with whatever student they were responsible for, it was just great having another adult around. These classes were always calmer than classes without an E.A.

Now that I'm back to supply, most E.A.s are still great, but occasionally you run into one who's weirdly territorial. It's like they resent you being there--like with the classroom teacher away, the class should have been handed to them.

Had two in the same room a few days ago. All day long, it was like they were watching my every move, looking for something to pounce on. First they seemed alarmed that I was using the class computer for a personal e-mail. "You're on lunch right now...there are computers in the staff room." Using the classroom computer is perfectly OK in every class I've ever been in; it's just taken for granted you will use that computer. Later, after I opened a gate at another teacher's request and her student started to walk towards the open gate: "That's why we keep the gate closed." (Me: "But she asked me to open it...") At the end of the day, when the other one took the walkers and left me with the bus students, she suddenly popped back and noticed this one boy--a bit of a challenge--was walking a few feet behind me but accompanied by another student (these are kindergarten kids): "Mr. D--be careful of Joey!!!" I knew exactly where he was.

Today I took a half-day job for the same class, then 15 minutes later I get an automated call saying the job's been cancelled. Could be some other reason--I am susceptible to paranoia at times--but I swear that one or both complained to the homeroom teacher, and that led to the cancellation. God, those two need to lighten up.

stuff's better, haven't found anything I'm qualified for yet internally but still looking. until then, I am amused by this bit of cluelessness from our leaders.
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apparently a representative fucked up really badly and it lead to legal issues. leaders, looking for a fall guy, went to my boss's boss demanding to know what we teach in our compliance courses (so I'm guessing it had to do with data privacy issues).

Compliance courses are online courses everybody is required to take upon hire, then annually after that. Everybody gets the same courses. They're not designed by us, THEY'RE DESIGNED BY LEGAL!!!! Our only role is that we give new hires time to work on them.

like idk why don't you look at your own modules, dummies.

(literally any time a newb does anything wrong, they always try to blame us)

specifically glaring daggers at the coworker who has been sitting six feet away from me in a three hour meeting today who has been chomping gum, open mouthed, to the point that i'm having trouble hearing the presenter

You know what they did in Chicago

someone shared one of their co-workers got in trouble for basically disappearing today, and when asked why they didn't finish assignments, she claimed her laptop was 'losing power'. no, not that the laptop was suddenly powering off, but that it was losing power (as it does when you don't plug it into the ac adapter) and as a result, it was performing much more slowly, so she couldn't complete the assignments.

o....k.

We have one empty office and one small workroom that were set up specifically for people to use for Zoom calls/meetings to keep as many as possible out of the open office area. Of course the loudest voice in the office refuses to use either one and stays at her desk bellowing into her camera all day long.

For the record, she self identifies as a "very loud talker". When reminded about the private rooms available her response was, "eh, it's just too much to move my computer in there".

Dear readers, her computer is a Microsoft Surface.

now that we're back in the office for at least several days per week there was a form created to request computer hardware things you might be missing

many people requested noise cancelling headsets

We were told we were all being supplied with noise cancelling headphones in September of 2021, apparently to "ease the transition back to in person work". We're still waiting.

over the past week, I totally busted my ass and did a ridiculously huge amount of work, really well, for a former client that still owes my org money. while this client sucks, I was really proud of my work, and it was something no one else had managed to do for years. So, I tell my co-worker about it. And he complains that I went out of my way to help this sucky client, and that I shouldn't have helped them. I explained that part of why I did it was to get them to pay some of what they owe us, part of it is so I can make connections for our org with the attorney representing this client, who could refer us to other good clients, and part of it is to prove that I could do this work. I was bummed out that my coworker didn't at least acknowledge the quality/impressiveness of my work.

I feel like I've gotten better with the work/life balance thing in the past few months though -- in the past, this reaction from my co-worker would have made me furious and/or super depressed, and now I'm just like "kinda bummed out" ...

"Neanderthal, since you didn't complete the assignment by today, I am closing the task. You can re-open if you choose to do later."

"I've literally never seen this assignment until today, and I don't see any instructions."

"You were sent an email with these details on 9/1", ~CCs my managers to try and make me look bad~

~address field clearly shows I was not included on the email~

nice try!

When I send you an email to set up a meeting for tomorrow or the day after to discuss a specific topic, that does not mean I want you to call me immediately to dive into said topic. There's a reason I was setting up a specific time to talk about it!!!

your co-workers are indeed stupid and annoying!

yesterday my co-worker had planned to come over to my house to work on a thing that was supposed to go out by the end of day. It has helped before, and this isn't the annoying part.

He was going to arrive around 11am. Between 11 and 1pm he not only did not arrive, but didn't respond to calls or texts. It turns out he was putting a tarp on his roof because it had started raining and he was concerned about leaks. Then, he spent another hour doing household chores, including installing plastic shelf guards in his fridge. Then he takes calls and sets up a meeting about a different project. Then he spends about 30 minutes looking at pictures of houses for sale that his wife sent because his parents are moving up here to spend more time with the grandchild. ... Then he works on the thing for about 30 minutes. Then he goes to the store and gets snacks ... and now I have a much better understanding of why he regularly is doing time sensitive work at 2am.

Legal nixed a long-standing web cam requirement in training because "without allowing exceptions and rigidly requiring this, we could get into trouble", so the requirement became a 'suggestion'.

which annoyed me because we never enforced it rigidly, if someone came to us and said "I went to the dentist and my face looks like a BlowPop, can I turn the camera off", we always said "yes", and it stands to reason that , like other processes, if you add governance to it/exceptions allowing people to opt out, it could perhaps work.

maybe not - I'm not a lawyer, but they didn't even TRY to have the discussion. the web cams are often helpful to the training as it creates more of a connection between the trainer and trainees. and people dont' turn them on if they aren't required to.

and LOL, my inquiry revealed that this change wasn't even communicated to our recruiters, and that this change was mishandled across the board by leaders.

wow, learning just how many ilxors actually work for twitter now!

lmao.

guys my manager is such a child. she's wfh and pouting all week because about 60% of our team gave really negative responses to a "culture survey" recently and i think she got a talking-to about it. no skin off my teeth as i don't have to hear from her or see her in the office!

i have a long story involving the most absurd passive aggressive backdoor-communication style tactic she tried last week. after that went down she couldn't even broach the subject in our face-to-face weekly meeting. she seems to be scared of me - as she should be! that's right you tiny p.o.s. don't even try fucking with me i'll win every time.

I would love the chance to fill out a "culture survey" here, practically salivating at the thought - even if I know it would be immediately binned when the managers saw the feedback.

i'm really lucky in some ways, there is literally only one bad apple with maybe two sycophants and the rest are good people who have to step around her and are getting increasingly frustrated about it. makes it much easier and less stressful to stand up to her.

The dumb thing about reacting poorly to surveys is that:

a) it's usually something you were told about by someone prior and refused to fix

b) businesses seem to view growth from feedback as this amazing magic trick, like if you're the rare person who takes it to heart and says "I will fix these things and be an open door", you can parlay that into amazing respect from leaders, paradoxically moreso than if you just hadn't been shit all along.

Continuing to publicly whinge about it and how bad it makes you feel personally, makes you a high risk employee that execs want to show the door.

I worked w someone similar to yr boss in 2010 and she was basically asked to leave because we had serious concerns with her project management and all she did was try and catch us doing something wrong and get us in trouble via retaliation rather than make the much easier effort of just not being so terrible. Like an improvement to mediocrity and people would have sang her praises.

businesses seem to view growth from feedback as this amazing magic trick, like if you're the rare person who takes it to heart and says "I will fix these things and be an open door", you can parlay that into amazing respect from leaders, paradoxically moreso than if you just hadn't been shit all along.

non-profits have this mindset as well! As do couples therapists! ... a system like that is more likely to provoke a defensive response, if not a doubling down, (if the feedback is negative), except for in the "rare" case you mentioned.

So that last sentence pretty much describes exactly where we are now, but there is absolutely no hope of that changing anytime soon.

I am almost 100% certain that if upper management saw how this guy actually conducts business and treats his staff they would be utterly horrified, but complaints to HR have vanished and attempts to bring these to light up the chain have been stymied at every turn. The most frustrating is that a couple of us have asked, together and separately, his supervisor to meet with us to hear our concerns, but that request immediately gets forwarded to BAD MANAGER and they get asked to attend. Like, no! We need to talk about him, not with him.

that's just poor managing in itself, no different than forwarding something you shared about a manager to said manager. but most people who are managers don't know how.

one of my besties has been with our company almost as long as me (I met him in our office!) and one day he got mildly frustrated about something and he comes to me saying "man I gotta work on my attitude, boss got upset for how I flew off the handle today" and he shares teh chat and his comments were really benign, mild frustration and asking for help, and his boss's responses were "why are you like this today?", "STOP.", "ENOUGH.", and lecturing him "I thought we discussed this a few weeks ago and you weren't going to be like this anymore, what's going on w/ you?", and I told my friend "you know your manager is the one that's wrong here and not you, right?"

the thing that frustrates me about feedback is that I used to be better at taking it and adapting, like I had no qualms whatsoever about listening and improving, but once certain people began weaponizing feedback as a way to control my behavior in my old job (some of it purely made up), it created in me a defensive wall that I haven't been able to break down completely, even though nobody is doing that to me anymore.

You know I’m trying to help you here. I think you could probably just make the phone call yourself and avoid me sending emails back and forth up down and around trying to figure out what to do.

You know I’m trying to help you here.

I'm starting to genuinely believe that, no, people probably indeed do not know when others are trying to help them. They think flailing around like toddlers and making everything infinitely more complicated is THE WAY TO WORK.

No you know what, honestly, I’m happy to help you, I know you have a ton on your plate already without having to deal with this, sorry for negging you in the ether, my bad <3

lol and after all that “you’re not authorized,
fill out this form”, do y’all really want to get this stuff moved or do you just like watching me dance?

certain people began weaponizing feedback as a way to control my behavior

In those situations, okay, at least one, where that happened to me, I just quit. Like, there was no way I was going to "win" so I quit before they could combine actual incidents where I was "at fault" with made up or exceptionally vague "feedback" and throw it at me with the expectation I would try and refute their claims, item by item. But what was clear, is that they had a problem with me. ... I later was hired back as a consultant (this happened at two different places).

The more I think about these jobs, the better I feel about being partly self-employed. Some of these businesses/organizations have structures that make people toxic ...

I was going to therapy at the time and it helped me fight back. I defended myself and went into DNGAF mode, mouthing off to everyone who tried to fuck with me. I quickly learned that nothing would happen to me for doing it and there are about five people now who refuse to talk to me anymore.

Good, I hated them. But I had to change positions as all that negative energy was exhausting

lol – my biggest client is a place i (sort of) rage quit many years ago. one of the humans responsible for my getting fed up is my main contact now and i do savour the opportunity to flip the script on her overly rigid behaviour (when required) now that I'm a contractor.

xpost

i do savour the opportunity to flip the script on her overly rigid behaviour (when required) now that I'm a contractor.

oh yes, congratulations!

I have an employee, Z., who is becoming more and more negative and it's dragging me down. When we hired for their position we were asked to put forth two candidates. Z was not the committee's pick, but my manager overrode the committee and picked Z. I had concerns--this employee's personality doesn't fit with the job, it's a job for an outgoing person and they are not that. They're becoming more and more hostile, despite my best efforts.

I have listened to their feedback when they told me I was being condescending, I took a moment, stated that while it was not my intention to be that way, I understand that THEY felt that way and apologized for it. Then I asked for ways to deliver feedback in neutral, safe ways for them so they could be accountable for things but not feel bad/negative. Yes I address things neutrally, i.e. "When this happens" vs. "When you do."

I never got any follow up on that ask, and I asked a few times for ideas. I try to speak neutrally, but Z is a super sensitive person.

The place where we work has both open to the public spaces (we're in academia) and private work areas as well. Students, too. Last week I asked Z to remind a faculty member of our area's policy for common work areas--this faculty member has been holding class in our area (not in their assigned classroom) for the entire semester. It can be disruptive to the people who work in my area and to other students. Z agreed. . . when I went to them to ask for follow up, they went from 0 to 100 in a few seconds, yelling at me, interrupting me, and stepping toward me with their finger in my face.

I walked away and said we'd discuss later.

I probably should have handled the interaction w/the faculty member myself in retrospect.

A few days later we all met with HR to discuss. HR advised me to apologize which I did and then we could move forward. Z does not agree with the work area policy, but said they would continue to enforce it. But no apology for the yelling and no accountability. HR left after we smoothed things over and as we began to discuss the policy, Z got more and more mad. I just listened. . . . as best I could.

I *might* try and talk with Z at a standing and try to look for better ways to communicate, but it's such a negative work environment. It's just really hard!

Wait, you apologized when Z yelled at you and wagged their finger at you in public? That’s unacceptable, afaic Z should be canned.

Like, did the meeting with HR happen because Z requested it or because you did? Even if you were in the wrong, which hey could be true, there’s no reason for any co-worker to yell at and berate another coworker in a public space at work.

Yeah, honestly the appropriate response is "If you ever point that finger at me again, I'm gonna snap it off and you're gonna fuckin' eat it."

Ya that’s “coworker is making me feel unsafe” level of aggression.