Real love -- I'm, like, searchin' for that Queer Love -- LGBTQIA+ Love // A Thread for the Real Ones

I am sorry you had that experience, fgti— fwiw, I also have mucho respect for your music and had kind of forgotten what you look like until just now.

I also struggle with this— how much of my art is tied to my sexuality, and my appeal as a sexual being? My book that comes out in May ends with a prose piece that is explicitly about getting fucked, cancer, pornography, the sexual exploits of my youth, etc. Because I was a finalist for a Lambda a few years ago, I started playing up the queerness of my writing a bit more— but that’s also meant that my own sense of my queerness is tied to my writing, which creates some really difficult moments for me, particularly when I am not writing much.

I told my partner last night that I have burnt out on poetry, and in a way, it’s true! I find myself wanting to write and think in prose, and so I am going with that for now. But it’s a little strange for me!!

I'm feeling the last few posts. We ponder -- live -- our identities in ways that most straight white men don't. In my work I seesaw between het and queer scenarios and even at this age I get caught up in those same webs of self-consciousness. I was the prat who proclaimed in 1999 "If I see myself in the Gay/Latino section of Borders I'll throw myself out the window." I've come to regard my queerness as a drop of red dye in a glas of water: it diffuses everywhere without being the still point. Does this make sense?

Happy Sunday.

@ mike that was a kind comment and it cheered me up :) For me it's more like "sexual viability" was never even a consideration when I was writing practicing performing, if anything I sought to downplay any such stuff. Please enjoy this abstract product! divorced from any bodily considerations. Or something.

tabes it's occurred to me that we've both been posting on this forum for 15+ years and I've never read a word of your poetry and I would like to

I was speaking with my (good) ex a couple days ago, we were talking about our friends who work in art, one of whom is Jeremy Shaw, and the transition to "mid-life work". Like, when we were all in our glow-up, Jeremy was doing DMT and giving DMT to his friends and filming them and calling it art and it was really moving, but kinda intractable from "being queer and in your 20s"; or maybe not, repeating the same project with people in their 40s would be v interesting. But Jeremy is making Great Work still, it's really amazing, his maturation. Others of our friends are still doing LiveJournal kinda stuff, still using a voice that made sense twenty years ago and not-so-much at this juncture.

fgti not to cause a compliment pile-on but i was always attracted to your work bc it’s beautiful music that told me things about myself that i didn’t know yet, and i thought that before i knew what you looked like :) repeating what is probably an obvious bit of wisdom but bad exes are uniquely capable of exploiting our most unkind suspicions about ourselves

can’t even tell you how fondly i recall a show of yours i saw in 2013/14 where the everyone in the audience was gay and making out the entire time, including me!!!! idk if you get that effect if everyone’s there just bc you’re a hot white twink

Ya I remember that show, that rules. That was the first time I met you, ivy!

bad exes are uniquely capable of exploiting our most unkind suspicions about ourselves

Yes otm. Supervillains!

fgti (and anyone else), excerpt of poems from the next book are here. These are my “mommy issues “ poems lol.

And excerpts from the Lambda finalist are here and here.

Tables, I really like the environment built by your words. I look forward to reading through this a few more times. Also, it occurred to me that you might know the wife of my high school friend and former ILX poster Fluffy Bear Hearts Rainbows, so I did some googling and you did an event with her in October 2019.

fgti, I coincidentally was playing your music for my partner last night and he was completely captivated by it; the specific words he used were “cinematic” and “incredible”.

In Conflict is one of my favorite albums of the '10s.

Table, thanks for posting your work: my first time reading it. I want more!

bad exes are uniquely capable of exploiting our most unkind suspicions about ourselves

otm. what a fucked up thing to say!

I only have one of your records but it's a knockout. There's a clarity that sets it starkly apart from the fuzziness of, like, nearly every other record. As others are saying i didn't know what you look like when i heard it, and i only vaguely know now. I was virtual crate digging day and night in those days and buying 2 or 3 new releases a week, the cool thing is your album was the *only* one i played that my str8, non-music nerdy roommate really connected with. he sought out, and then showed me, a video of you performing at a festival during a downpour, saying "what a fucking badass, we should see them live". he is a gamer, which i'm not- and i can't presume on the appeal for him but it makes *so much sense* that a gamer made this widescreen, immersive, episodic record.

Table you are probably the best prose writer I've interacted with in any irl or virtual space? At least going on the one piece you linked me. Intensely emotional and fearlessly self-reflective (like your posts here) with small dense clusters of belletristic language, keeps plumbing until it hits the very core then takes a breath and starts again. I loved the 2 poems you posted here a while ago, too. I haven't wanted to search more of your writing because it feels like eavesdropping or something, it feels 'unfair'. is that weird? I am ungoogleable even if you know my legal name. Really psyched to have more of your stuff to read

I've come to regard my queerness as a drop of red dye in a glas of water: it diffuses everywhere without being the still point. Does this make sense?

this is super otm, will look for you in that section of Borders

i was always attracted to your work bc it’s beautiful music that told me things about myself that i didn’t know yet

agree with this

what a cruel thing for your ex to say, fgti (and tbh it smacks of jealousy, not that i know them or what they do for a living). and just to pile on with the plaudits, i don’t think any song/music video combo has made me cry as hard as “a bloody morning” did in 2020, and i mean like full-on ugly-sobbing (which is maybe the highest compliment i can pay to a work of art tbh)

this community is giving me life today, I thank you all

this is super otm, will look for you in that section of Borders

― O Fundo Escuro de (Deflatormouse), S

If Borders still existed!

Books and Books, then ;-)

tables is indeed a great prose writer. very clear and generous, strongly opinionated but willing to backtrack and apologize if needed.

everyone here is great at what they do. jealous, cruel haters get the misery and smallness they deserve.

not to come in with pronouncements or anything, lol. loving all the love in here lately. i have so much admiration for all of you.

I feel sheepish and delighted at all your compliments guys tysm

Generally I worked hard through my 20s because I read in Paul Bowles’ autobio that when he (20) was trucking around Europe with Aaron Copland (30), Copland told Bowles to work hard through his 20s. “If you don’t work hard in your 20s, who will love you when you’re 30?”

Tabes I read the first of the three poems you sent and I adored it and I can’t wait to read the other two :)

Meanwhile I’ve given my dog a new nickname: Norathy Zbornak

I'm so in love with you for reading Bowles' memoir in your '20s.

I was stuck on Jane in my 20s, didn’t get to Paul until later!

yeah I read that Portable Jane and Paul Bowles comp just to acquaintance myself with her.

also thanks fgti and all for your kind words.

yeah I read that Portable Jane and Paul Bowles comp just to acquaintance myself with her.

how do we feel about bleeding money

i ask because i've gotten really comfortable with it

Use Band-Aids.

like, findom? or just reckless spending?

omg i've never heard of findom lololol
that is special and wild
so i guess it's 68.5% reckless and the rest, like i gotta live my life

i canceled a monthly bill that had doubled over the past two years, feels good. i have to tighten up for a while, but bleeding some money when i'm able to afford it is classic.

findom sounds like my worst nightmare lmao

amazing that donna had that at the ready

lol i just got it

lol!

lol there’s a lot of findom shit in the fetish circles i run in, i find it distasteful and injurious tbh. most of my money-bleeding is on records though i could probably stand to start doing things like meal prep more often

in fact i wanted to go record shopping today since i have the day off but it’s pissing rain in LA today >:(

meal prep, record shopping, piss, staying home, all good clean fun

;P

i like all of it to be honest

not a good liar here

overheard in the indian brunch buffet line

omg did i tell u i have been obsessed with indian food
i wrote an embarrassing review on the restaurant's website confessing to them that i cried over a plate of their food

hahaha

leaving good reviews for neighborhood businesses is very wholesome and i fully support it

most of my money goes to food, climbing gear, books. i did Dry January and have only had a few drinks since and feel better than i have in years, and that is also reflected in my wallet…

i am having a day, as i am getting a colonoscopy tomorrow— just maintenance, nothing scary— and that means i have to fast all day today. given my penchant for climbing and training for climbing, this means that i am fucking starving and still have 20+ hours before i can eat anything. i am distracting myself by grading and reading.

i also love Indian food, but we don’t go out much— we’re both so cheap lol.

my sympathies, i did a colonoscopy last winter. the prep was tedious and i hated having to take a break from my routine. ime indian brunch buffets are a good way to get an indian fix for half the price. we haven't gone in months though.

ugh i'm sorry :-( honestly i would take a long nap. bodies are pretty annoying.

fuuuuuun

i cook a lot of Indian food but haven't quite perfected the spice alchemy. there was a guy from India who stayed at the hotel where i used to work for like 3 months, in a suite with a kitchenette and brought his own personal chef. The chef offered to give me cooking lessons for $30/hour. I passed. Always regretted that, the food smelled amazing

i'm ridiculously tight when it comes to "buying stuff" and prob too spendy on "experiences". services = hell no, i DIY everything always.

there is one service i dream about being able to afford one day and that's a biweekly cleaner, because i hate cleaning and suck at it. my spending vices atm are pricey workwear and bodybuilding supplements.

i have an in-law from kerala and his wife cooked us some good stuff. said wife is my partner's sister. her son just came out! :) they are supportive.