Real love -- I'm, like, searchin' for that Queer Love -- LGBTQIA+ Love // A Thread for the Real Ones

I live with someone who is - and he knows this - too selfless for his own good. This sometimes necessitates me playing Bad Cop when others are, albeit unwittingly, overstepping the boundaries which he’s too selfless to have set in the first place.

As regards self-love, that’s been the work of a lifetime, but SSRIs seem to have been the final piece of the jigsaw. Having basically got there at last, I find that it improves my interactions with others to a significant degree, ie now that I like myself, the path is clearer for others to like me as much as I like them.

ime this has been a two way street

― A street taco cart named Des'ree (Deflatormouse), Thursday, February 29, 2024 6:25 PM (three hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

i've been experiencing this lately. i have been generally treating myself better since my mid-30s. that created good enough conditions for a relationship. that relationship made me want to treat myself better even more, so i could treat him better. and now young pine is doing all sorts of stuff for how i think of myself.

i kinda want to link the love thread in this thread because my god searching SNA for "love" on a board called "i love everything" is... difficult

love

<3

i would think without solid ground you are more comfortable with risk and that can make your life experience fuller and richer but also it's a tightrope walk and you need to develop excellent balance?

― A street taco cart named Des'ree (Deflatormouse), Thursday, February 29, 2024 6:10 PM (two days ago)

"?" meaning i don't know, what do you think tbc

― A street taco cart named Des'ree (Deflatormouse), Thursday, February 29, 2024 6:11 PM (two days ago)

i def live fully lol, dunno how much longer i can keep that up. but i would concur that i am a full-on tightrope-walker, ya nailed that one. never thought of myself as someone good at balance but you're making me realize i do have some tricks up my sleeve. funny the way time works - my self-hate was always present but i became much more cognizant of it in the past 5-ish years, and have only become cognizant of making changes in the past year lol. whatever!

new contrapoints video dropped and i complained about another fucking three hour breadtube video and then i watched the whole thing anyway, because i was interested in the topic, which was Twilight. well no of course it wasn't, it was about who tops, but since youtube wants to be the disney channel you can't just do a video about that. and i watched it because when it comes to trans women, the answer is nobody, nobody wants to fucking top, and watching her video about it helps me process my own feelings about that.

for me intimacy isn't a physical act, it's an emotional act that's expressed physically. that's probably the biggest part of why i don't cum with partners. contrapoints talks about some of this, talks about women feeling selfish about asking our partners to spend the time it takes to get us to cum. the guy who's the worst lover in the world and then asks "did u cum" is definitely A Thing. because that's the thing if someone spends all that time and then i don't cum _anyway_ my partner's gonna feel like they failed. even though they didn't fail. not cumming is frustrating but it doesn't mean i didn't get anything out of it personally.

i need to feel a certain way in order to cum, be in a certain headspace, and i have a difficult enough time getting _myself_ to that headspace. and that certain way is, i mean, _taken_. i'm not actually that interested in being taken physically. it's more the feeling of _inevitability_, of not having a choice in the matter. i'd love to be able to _choose_ to cum, just be like "oh i feel like cumming now" and then cum, but it's never really worked like that for me.

with a partner that's inseparable from the feeling of being desired. that's the complicated thing. a lot of me only cumming by myself is _desiring myself_. that's something contrapoints talks about. contrapoints argues against the idea that woman = femme = submissive = receptive, argues that it's one of those social constructs. and kind of? when i present femme i feel desirable in a way i don't when i present butch. feeling desirable, for me, means feeling like prey. the idea that someone wants me enough to just... take me. that's important.

at the same time there's an aspect of, like, self-esteem to that. i've definitely been guilty of substituting being loved by others for loving myself. sexually, though, there's a taboo against wanting yourself. you're not _supposed_ to want yourself. it gets stigmatized. whether that gets called "asexual" or "autosexual" or whatever. since i first had sex i've felt like there's something _wrong_ with me for not cumming with a partner, for only cumming by myself. emotionally, though, wanting myself is kind of fundamental to healthy relationships. and sex for me is emotional. so it seems kind of fucked. "i'd do me" feels healthier to me than judging my self-worth based on whether someone who i _want_ to do me would do me.

the thing is that there's a lot more to intimacy than cumming. i need to do stuff with a partner, and that need has nothing whatsoever to do with my need to cum. this interests me because when i was running on T, the two were _extremely_ closely linked, but now they're not. sometimes i need someone to come over and tie me up because i need _intimacy_ with other people. that doesn't have to be people with whom i'm romantically involved but it has to be someone who i feel comfortable talking about my feelings with. like talking about my feelings with someone else... it is good, it helps me feel closer to them. sometimes i need to share my feelings with someone else by _doing_ something with them. this book i'm reading, _somatics for rope bottoms_, talks about rope as a medium of communication, and i feel that. physical intimacy is a medium of communication for me, a somatic medium of communication.

with kink for me, top/bottom, dom/sub, obviously that's an unequal relationship. that doesn't bother me because in a larger sense in a healthy kink relationship there's an idea of equity. that in intimate terms both partners get what they need. and i guess for me that's where the "top shortage" comes in. there's not, in fact, a shortage of tops. the world is lousy with "big dick daddy doms". i just have a hard time finding tops i can _trust_ to respect my boundaries. even that... my real problem is that i have a hard time finding _partners_ i can trust to respect my boundaries. i've been hurt a lot more by subs not respecting my emotional boundaries as a dom than by tops not respecting my emotional boundaries as a bottom. and i experience a lot of this from the right side of the slash. i've had to spend a couple of months convincing my girlfriend that i will respect her boundaries, in large part because her other girlfriend doesn't. she feels pressured and responsible to meet the sexual and kink needs of _both_ her girlfriends, which is a totally unfair expectation and has led her to withdraw completely from intimacy.

writing it out, i guess, the "top shortage" is less about people not _wanting_ to top and more... bottoms who are still learning to take responsibility for their own submission. i want to be taken. i'm afraid of being hurt, but not in a way that keeps me from taking responsibility for my own desire. not everyone on the right side of the slash is willing or able to do that, i guess.

Paragraphs 3 to 5 of your last post are very relatable, kate.

at the same time there's an aspect of, like, self-esteem to that. i've definitely been guilty of substituting being loved by others for loving myself.

well, let me put it this way

if i don't want to fuck myself, who will want to fuck me?
and wanting only to fuck myself, who am i?
and if not now, when?

Swen feel free to share any pro balance tips ;) likewise a lot of stuff that has been swirling around "in the cloud" for 5 years-ish just coming into focus

that doesn't have to be people with whom i'm romantically involved but it has to be someone who i feel comfortable talking about my feelings with.

yeah same, sex is a super vulnerable. i wish i could be someone who can just collide with a total stranger i think it would be fun but i guess sex is kinda scary to me and i need to establish trust

also,

my partner is always putting me first. it's going to sound weird to say this but i've had to learn to love it. because i always felt like he gets an ego benefit out of putting others first. so i've had to be like, so what. and suddenly not caring about that makes it apparent that he does it out of genuine care for others

aww <3

now that I like myself, the path is clearer for others to like me as much as I like them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqsQZAP2imA

i mean let's not be crazy - i'm never gonna lead the line for the sane and well nourished

but if i had to summon one nugget, i would say - life is messy, get with it or you're fucked <3

yeah same, sex is a super vulnerable. i wish i could be someone who can just collide with a total stranger i think it would be fun but i guess sex is kinda scary to me and i need to establish trust

― Swen, Sunday, March 3, 2024 1:15 AM (five hours ago)

yeah. if anything, even moreso for me, someone for whom being _taken_ is important

a friend just posted a meme of, it doesn't have a title, but it's a submission triangle, three different types. housecat, doll, doe. i look at this and instantly i know i'm a doe:

- weakness/helplessness
- fragility
- struggling & losing
- not thinking (ohgodohgodohgod)

i'm not a "bottom", i'm _prey_. that's what i _need_. which hunter do i let catch me? when do i stop running? i feel like i've been running for a really long time now.

i've been having this long-running... discussion? debate? conflict? with this... person. we both read these stories and he doesn't like the endings. he doesn't like the things the protagonists... they surrender to men who don't _deserve_ them. the protagonists deserve better, and they don't get it. they choose to give up. my read on it is that he reads these stories and he says "i'd be a better keeper than that". well ok but he _could_ try. he could, i'd let him. i'd trust him to win. he's just afraid to win. "lesbian sheep syndrome". ewes show interest by _standing still_ and letting the ram take them. the ones i trust have such a hard time trusting themselves to take the initiative. i'm as blunt as possible about it. if i go too far i stop feeling like prey, you know?

and yes, that situation is queer. i'm someone who rounds off to "woman" and i want someone who rounds off to "man", but i want him in a queer way. everything i do is queer.

the guys i want are the ones who act like lesbians. and then i complain when they come out to me as transfem on the third date.

WHEN DID I POST THAT QUOTE, KATE I DON'T THINK THAT WAS ME, UNLESS I JUST EXPERIENCED ANOTHER DISSOCIATIVE FUGUE I HONESTLY DO NOT THINK I POSTED THOSE WORDS, please let me know because if I am doing things without remembering them I should honestly talk to my doctor

omg like did someone log into my account and post about sex

sorry i quoted wrong, that was deflatormouse

omg that was terrifying, I've actually been through a dissociative fugue before where I forgot who I was lol and combined with my recent episode of sex amnesia the clarification is most appreciated, thank you Kate ❤️

sorry my goof freaked you out, my bad!

omg you're fine, also to be clear I also have high anxiety around sex and am a vulnerable fucker from the start 😎🤟

for your consideration, a new term for 'bussy':

he/him hoo-hah

i've been reading about fictional depictions of gay sex

for instance, just the other day i learned about the "yaoi hole", which is a fuckhole that's not a penis or an anus

but it's not a vag apparently because a boy fucking another boy in his vag wouldn't be gay enough

the wikipedia diagram of a yaoi hole is adorable btw

i appreciate it so much that i went to look at what other drawings 狄の用務員 did for wikipedia

not really sure what the difference between an otoko-futanari and a guy with a yaoi hole is, but author has a drawing depicting "special bodies in japanese _fictional_ works"

狄の用務員 also made a chart titled TOILET_MEAL_SOCIAL_RESERCH

some youngsters were also explaining to me about the Omegaverse, which is apparently a thing that started in Supernatural fanfiction

i don't know much about Supernatural but its fans kind of remind me of Sonic the Hedgehog fans

it seems to mostly be a lot of queer mpreg stuff with the extra bonus of eugenics

i'm really unhappy with queer teenagers going in on the eugenics. like if you want your characters to fuck like animals and to have, like, penis knots or whatever, that's fine, but this "alpha/beta/omega" shit is cringe

best i can figure the only way they can justify wanting to fuck a conservative is if they are literally biologically compelled to

i can understand having complicated feelings about being queer and wanting to get bred by a conservative but jesus god i wish they'd cut it out about the eugenics shit

Oof. A side effect of being back in the manic creative place that has me writing/working in studio for days on end is that the occasional deathly depressive lows are making a comeback. Spend the hours of 4-6am this morning chain smoking and wanting to die. I feel kinda ok this morning but the dark moments are really scary!!

Ofc Kate you’re interesting in taxonomizing the sexual organs of futanari haha, I love that.

<3 <3 hang in there, i know those manic/creative/death/chain-smoking days well. glad you're posting. remember medicine, and voice on voice contact.

Ofc Kate you’re interesting in taxonomizing the sexual organs of futanari haha, I love that.

― a hyperlink to the past (flamboyant goon tie included)

it doesn't get talked about much but there are people out there who have what's called "penile preserving vaginoplasty". i wouldn't call any of them "futanari" though, i suspect they'd probably find that term offensive. i don't really know much about how things work from the transmasc side, if someone has a metoidoplasty or a phalloplasty.

TOILET_MEAL_SOCIAL_RESERCH

my new grindcore band name

eugenics = gross, silly, false, dumb. considering the global atmosphere and events of the last 20 years it doesn't not not compute for me as to why young people are drawn to it though.

fgti i'm hoping more lightness comes your way soon.

so i'm watching a video on ADHD and they're talking about people getting distracted and not being able to cum, and like wait, is not being able to cum from sex an ADHD thing? god that would be a trip

lol that reminds me of my #1. he's always getting distracted. doesn't seem to have as much of a problem cumming from watching porn though. me, i haven't watched porn in months. it's harder to watch free porn now then it was 10 years ago, that's fucked up.

doesn't not not compute

lol, one too many negatives (i think)

lol

I tried some porn today for the first time in months. Nah! Didn’t work!

i can't watch it alone, i need it to be like a thing. i'm like, partner or bust. like what am i an obelisk. no, i'm not. i'm a person. people go together.

catching up
haha, i think anyone would be horrified to have my words attributed to them Swen 🤣

i'm not a "bottom", i'm _prey_.

ughh yeah
had an incident recently where i was "hunted"
i just froze, didn't scream for help, didn't try to fight the guy off. smiled and nodded, gave agreeable one word answers. he turned a corner, there were too many people, he freaked and fled. nbd, it might have been, but nbd- the worst thing is i blame myself for being so passive, and so does everyone else. but i think about, like, if i had tried to scream no sound would come out.

isn't it completely different, when sweet boys who care about my well being try to entice me very gently to have sex with them? obviously it is, but in a certain way i guess not?

he/him hoo-hah

got y'all in check
sorry

i don't like porn

me neither

haha, i think anyone would be horrified to have my words attributed to them Swen 🤣

lies

that sounds scary deflatormouse! have been in situations like that before myself, never fun

not a big fan of porn either tbh. remembering i once had a boring grindr hookup where the guy insisted on putting on porn on his tv while we did it, which i found more annoying than anything. like hey i'm literally right here

I don't get music during sex for the same reason

listen, don't get me started on lights

i will go full on art deco if it means a better angle but next thing you know someone's flipping on the stage light to find a towel - CALM THE F DOWN

i did NOT ask for the set designer, i just want a soft beige glow, let's be real

I love porn so much that I have a porn collection. (Mostly vintage VHS and Super 8 reels along with some smutty mags from the 60s and 70s)

i used to be horrified by any kind of scene-setting theatrical flourishes but i've realized that i do like certain things. firelight (lol i mean candlelight, i'm not lighting fires in my house wtf, but maybe some day i'll like set up a divan next to a firepit, with uhh bug neeting over everything????). and then with music, i like jacking off to really butch doom metal lmao. i've had very good sex with stars of the lid playing in the other room. 99% of video porn bores me. i could see a slideshow of vintage bear stills working nicely, kind of setting the mood but not demanding too much attention. but all of that is no longer at my fingertips (rip tumblr).

Rofl Swen

are there analog porn snobs?

xp

it all has to be incidental for me. music playing in the other room could be fine if it's not something i'm very connected to. lighting ordinaire plz.

absolutely.

there’s a section of an old essay being published for the first time this week where i describe the first time I came to music playing— it was Behead the Prophet No Lord Shall Live’s “In the Garden.” I was 13.

it all has to be incidental for me.

Exactly. I'm creeped out by a dude wasting time flipping through files or vinyl for the correct seduct-o-sleaze.

definitely have had some really crazy sex to music— Ravedeath 1972, an album by Fall of Efrafa, Old Apparatus. I also once had sex with a stranger during a Scissor Sisters concert lmfao, sorry, yall got me going and now I can’t stop thinking of all the music I have ever had sex to.

As far as porn, I get why people don’t like it or use it, but I find it interesting both culturally and carnally. I could write a book about porn, to be honest. Maybe I should.

_it all has to be incidental for me._

Exactly. I'm creeped out by a dude wasting time flipping through files or vinyl for the correct seduct-o-sleaze.

it's not like we're playing smooth jazz folks come on it can be cool, jeez, i've set many a good scene and i'm proud of it. better than going to a guy's house who lays down a flat sheet on top of he and his husband's Egyptian hand painted bed covers.

i'd play the bangles 'walk like an egyptian' on my phone

should say i do have time for vintage porn, mostly from a cultural/historical vantage point

when my first bf and i were dating, early on in the relationship, he had his music library on shuffle in the background while we were mid-coitus and at one point that eve 6 graduation song came on and we both stopped what we were doing and burst out laughing in unison

i'm not 100% anti-intentional mood music - i may have done it once or twice with some recent flings - but i am pretty picky about it

rendezvous then i'm through with you

that's so funny donna

yeah i mean i dunno what to tell you, i've come to know my proclivities so well i wish i could like draw in police chalk on the bed to demonstrate where i'm going to be happy, yaknow, like let's maximize this impact