I had an enormous crush on Joshua Jackson when he played Pacey on Dawsons
― butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Tuesday, 19 March 2024 20:50 (five months ago) link
A friend of mine kissed him onscreen in a Canadian movie when they were both teenagers
― Premises, Premises (flamboyant goon tie included), Tuesday, 19 March 2024 21:01 (five months ago) link
can i ask your friend to kiss me so i can have some secondhand Joshua Jackson
― butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Tuesday, 19 March 2024 21:07 (five months ago) link
Haha that'd be fun. I dunno where she is now! She's an amazing violist, one of the best. Not such a great child actor, but who is?
― Premises, Premises (flamboyant goon tie included), Tuesday, 19 March 2024 21:29 (five months ago) link
obsessed with this JJ love. he totally turns me on.
― Swen, Tuesday, 19 March 2024 22:10 (five months ago) link
Can't imagine what bacchanal would happen should more than three gays in this thread gather.
― poppers fueled buttsex crescendo (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Tuesday, 19 March 2024 22:12 (five months ago) link
lol if Josh were there forget about it
― Swen, Tuesday, 19 March 2024 22:46 (five months ago) link
Swen and I would be trying to muscle each other out to get at JJ
― butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Tuesday, 19 March 2024 23:28 (five months ago) link
hahahahahahhahaha only if mad beers were involved would this be fun
― Swen, Tuesday, 19 March 2024 23:36 (five months ago) link
Negronis for everyone!
― poppers fueled buttsex crescendo (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Tuesday, 19 March 2024 23:37 (five months ago) link
oh i don’t need beer sweetie
― butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Tuesday, 19 March 2024 23:37 (five months ago) link
hahahahha you don't NEED beer but you look good with a beer!! won't lie
― Swen, Tuesday, 19 March 2024 23:38 (five months ago) link
my abs disagree ;-)
― butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Tuesday, 19 March 2024 23:39 (five months ago) link
hence why I stick to liquor
― poppers fueled buttsex crescendo (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Tuesday, 19 March 2024 23:42 (five months ago) link
― butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Tuesday, March 19, 2024 4:50 PM (five hours ago) bookmarkflaglink
omg agree so hardthe only guy who could rock a tommy bahama shirt every day of the week and still be totally dreamy, like instead of awful it's endearingly awful
― Deflatormouse, Wednesday, 20 March 2024 02:34 (five months ago) link
hawaiian shirts are like tv shorthand for "loveable sidekick" right? but also they made him talk like george clooney
the thing with a lot of these tv heartthrob guys is they look great with their mouths closed but as soon as you hear them talk thr str8 dude energy is such a turn off... but josh is actually very quick witted and charming
― Deflatormouse, Wednesday, 20 March 2024 02:37 (five months ago) link
ugh he's almost a real one you're right
― Swen, Wednesday, 20 March 2024 06:58 (five months ago) link
so i might need to add a semi colon to this thread - at the beginning of the thread title - that ok with everyone?
― Swen, Wednesday, 20 March 2024 16:38 (five months ago) link
strike that it might not be necessary
― Swen, Wednesday, 20 March 2024 18:35 (five months ago) link
he went so deep it was semi colon
― he/him hoo-hah (map), Wednesday, 20 March 2024 21:51 (five months ago) link
oh jesus
― Swen, Wednesday, 20 March 2024 22:02 (five months ago) link
lol
― Cemetry Gaetz (DJP), Wednesday, 20 March 2024 23:23 (five months ago) link
:]
― he/him hoo-hah (map), Wednesday, 20 March 2024 23:57 (five months ago) link
err ;]
― he/him hoo-hah (map), Wednesday, 20 March 2024 23:58 (five months ago) link
i was complaining to my lesbian friends about there being no word that's equivalent to "sapphic" (a woman who's attracted to women)
and one of them was all "Surely there is a man who was living on a Greek island who wrote lots of poetry about loving men we can use for the word"
i'm not super knowledgeable about ancient greek history but the word "alexandric" came to mind
what are y'all's thoughts
― Kate (rushomancy), Thursday, 21 March 2024 19:16 (five months ago) link
The word is Uranian, but it’s historically associated with pederasty iirc, co-opted by some English poets
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uranians
― Premises, Premises (flamboyant goon tie included), Thursday, 21 March 2024 20:34 (five months ago) link
yeah, uranian is... a complicated one. the pederasty thing particularly.
---
One of my friends was moving her old stuff out of storage and she came across some quarter-century old letters from her best friend at the time. He was bi, but mostly casually hooked up with other guys... in one of his letters he complained about "faggy divas on estrogen". (He's dead now, of course.) A couple of years ago I might have been offended at being described, by extension, as a "faggy diva". These days I mostly wish I'd been faggier. Before I started estrogen, I wasn't into guys the way I am now. I crushed on guys a lot, but I never knew what to do with those crushes. There was always this implicit expectation of sex.. which for me is something... like, I remember wishing when I was younger that fellatio was acceptable as a common courtesy, something one did to be polite. Like a handshake. I wasn't ever really involved in spaces where I was able to suck off guys in that way. Plus there was the whole comphet thing. Guys were into me and I wasn't able to admit to myself or communicate to them that I kinda liked them, I thought they were cute. In my head it was "Jeez, I wish I was gay, then I'd really be into this guy." On top of that there was the whole self-esteem thing, where I couldn't imagine anybody possibly finding me attractive.
-
That's the past, though... I got enough problems dating now. It's mostly the suicide thing. Like, I feel like I'm getting to a point where I'm able to manage my chronic suicidality better than I've ever been able to. My last bout of suicidality, I was able to manage that without, like, doing serious damage to any of my relationships. That's always been a sticking point in my relationships... what happens when I get suicidal? And I've finally reached a point where that fear isn't hanging like a shadow over every relationship I have, every relationship I consider. Nah, it's more that everybody in my dating pool is suicidal.
It just makes things rough. It just seems endemic. Like, not even as a queer thing. Even straight people I know are suicidal a lot of the time. I definitely get it. Things are pretty bad right now, very nearly hopeless, and everyone I know talks about... being determined to love in spite of that. It's brave, it's defiant, and it's just... fucking hard. When everybody is like that, hookups, hookups are possible. Casual sex. That's very doable. I'm also just really not into that. Serious long-term relationships...
My girlfriend keeps telling me that she's interested in doing things with me, that she's attracted to me, that she's looking forward to the BDSM, uh, thing we have tickets for next weekend. And also she hates her body, and she hates herself, and I'm not sure how intimacy beyond cuddling is going to happen while she feels that way about herself. For me to be attracted to her doesn't do anything to change that. We're both at a point where we know that other people finding a person attractive is no substitute for that person finding themselves attractive.
It just complicates a situation that's already pretty complicated. I can't make any plans with anyone. I've got the cold that's going around or they've got the cold that's going around or they have to take care of the kids or the real estate company is fucking them around, and if it's not that, then they're having a bout of SI.
I'm honestly thinking about getting into more long-distance stuff. Like, online only. Intimacy with another person... physical acts are a very small part of that. I get a rush from talking to people with similar kinks to mine online that I don't really get from dating people in person. Maybe a couple times a year they could visit or I could visit and we could do some hot stuff for a weekend and then go back to yearning. I really like yearning. I can't imagine being in a relationship that isn't bittersweet, in some sense, if only because the way I think about myself, about my own life, is bittersweet. I've been watching this anime based on an old dating sim called "Sentimental Journey", and it's really interesting. It doesn't follow the story of the visual novel at all - the protagonist isn't in the anime. Instead, it's just twelve self-contained stories of who I assume are the girls in the dating sim, each one talking about their first love, the person they loved before the protagonist of the dating sim came into their life. Those are the kinds of romance stories I like. The ones that don't end with "happily ever after".
Maybe that's part of why I have so much trouble dating. Even when things are just beginning, I'm always anticipating the ending.
― Kate (rushomancy), Friday, 22 March 2024 11:30 (five months ago) link
Kate, do you save these posts after cobbling them together over the course of a day, afternoon, or evening? Your pace astounds me.
― poppers fueled buttsex crescendo (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Friday, 22 March 2024 11:51 (five months ago) link
these days everything i write starts out as a journal entry
i started a journal around the beginning of '19, do something long enough and it sort of becomes second nature i guess. the dialectical behavior therapy thing i just finished has helped me a lot. i got a lot of shit to work through and writing helps me do it
a lot of the stuff i write doesn't wind up getting posted... i find that when journaling about my experiences writing for an audience helps me express myself better. the best way of learning something is to try and explain it to others, that's what i've found. and if i'm doing that, i figure, you know, if something interesting comes out of that, it's only fair to share what i come up with with the audience i have in mind, even if ultimately i'm writing for myself
i know it seems like a lot, but sam pepys did, like, a million words over the course of ten years... i'm not even close to that pace, even with the stuff i don't post
a lot of it is probably also that i do spend a lot of time by myself. i'm hardly a hikikomori, but i live by myself, i work from home, i don't drive... even with a reasonably full social schedule i probably don't spend more than about 10 hours a week in the social company of other people
writing helps fill the void, as it were. helps keep me comfortable in my own head.
― Kate (rushomancy), Friday, 22 March 2024 12:13 (five months ago) link
word
― poppers fueled buttsex crescendo (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Friday, 22 March 2024 12:54 (five months ago) link
one of my friends says the word is "achillean" btw
just makes me think of that bob dylan song lol
hungry like a man in drag
you know i want your lovin'honey, but you're so hard
but probably most people wouldn't have that reaction
― Kate (rushomancy), Friday, 22 March 2024 13:54 (five months ago) link
oo i like 'achillean'
― he/him hoo-hah (map), Monday, 25 March 2024 19:51 (five months ago) link
i finished a song!
― Swen, Thursday, 28 March 2024 05:27 (five months ago) link
tell us about it!
― butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Thursday, 28 March 2024 11:05 (five months ago) link
like i think it's not that bad. i'm going back to a light rock thing, which i left like in high school but am feeling much more than poppy sounds these days. i've been listening to a LOT of grunge (it's not a grunge song lol, just saying.) that's my story! what have you been listening to t3ddy
― Swen, Thursday, 28 March 2024 15:43 (five months ago) link
that’s cool! i love grunge. i have been listening to Poco, Slikback, old goa trance mixes, and a lot of Karen Dalton
― butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Thursday, 28 March 2024 18:04 (five months ago) link
spring makes my listening habits deeply weird, every year
― butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Thursday, 28 March 2024 18:05 (five months ago) link
spring is a very special season. so much opportunity, it feels like. can you tell me more about karen dalton?
― Swen, Friday, 29 March 2024 06:21 (five months ago) link
i feel really bad about this kink convention i'm supposed to be going to. trying to... process some complex emotions. and what's coming up for me right now is disgust
and i mean it's not the kind of disgust people usually talk about in terms of kink. i mean no i'm fine with that. more than fine, really, a lot of this stuff is stuff that i would like to do, like, a lot
nah what disgusts me is... like, people say over and over again "kink is not abuse", and after what i've seen in the last year... a lot of the people who say that, they don't actually know what abuse looks like. _i_ don't actually know what abuse looks like. like, if i want my ass beat and somebody beats my ass, _that's_ not abuse. some people think it is, and in that sense, it's important to say that it's not. if those people are disgusted with me, that's their problem
it's the same thing with me, the disgust i feel towards the way people behave in the kink scene here is my problem
i'm experimenting with using kink as a form of self-harm. a lot of people around me use sex as a form of self-harm. i don't do that personally. pre-transition i guess sex was a form of self-harm for me. everybody told me it was supposed to feel good and it did, but it also felt _very bad_ because of the dysphoria. but i felt, like, biologically compelled to do this thing that i hated and that made me feel bad. if i didn't, i kept thinking about things that disturbed me (like, femme shit, that stuff's actually normal but i didn't feel that way at the time), and i would also get irritable and angry from the testosterone. it felt like purging. like cumming felt like vomiting out of my cock. (is there a hardcore band called "cock vomit"? i guess there is now.) i guess that's how i'd describe my experience, i mean, on some level vomiting feels good, you know? but it's not _pleasant_.
anyway when i talk about kink as a form of self-harm, i mean it in the same way that people use sex as a form of self-harm. like sex isn't _bad_, clearly, just like kink isn't _bad_. i've learned that there are all kinds of ways to do self-harm that... people get concerned about you when you do certain things, but if you don't do those things... i guess people are still concerned, but they're disempowered. self-harm is basically a hostile act, when i do it at least. i feel a lot of disgust towards other people, other people whose behavior hurts me, whose behavior serves as a really significant barrier to me getting what i want, and my response to that is fuck you, i can hurt myself way worse than you can hurt me.
i've had people talk about, like, when they have the urge to self-harm snapping their wrist with a rubber band, and like it's not a question of whether one self-harms or not, it's about _how_ one self-harms, right? wrist-cutting isn't socially acceptable; snapping my wrist with a rubber band is. if i fuck up my bobos (i'm gonna leave that typo), if i honk on my bobos with a cane, that's acceptable, right? because i can just say "i like pain".
that's the complicated thing. i _do_ like pain. and sometimes that's healthy, and sometimes that's not. and it's not easy for me to tell the difference, always.
and these motherfuckers out here saying "kink is not abuse", like it's that fucking simple.
― Kate (rushomancy), Friday, 29 March 2024 10:33 (five months ago) link
ok there's not a band called "cock vomit", but there's an act that put out a cassette called "cock vomit", and of course it's some fucking power electronics bullshit. god, i hate power electronics. edgelordy bullshit.
― Kate (rushomancy), Friday, 29 March 2024 10:36 (five months ago) link
swen, you would love Karen Dalton. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsYHN7eCCtU
― butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Friday, 29 March 2024 11:02 (five months ago) link
I definitely had a "power bottom" phase, lasted about a year. I don't know where it came from. I've always enjoyed bottomming but this was ridiculous. Getting fisted, getting DP'd, I was all in. I had (and still have) a ridiculous dildo collection, some real doozies. I kept my anus pliant and whistle-clean. I could take any cock, anywhere, "no loads refused", as they'd say.
It was not really an expression of self-harm, but it was a kind of a severance package for the end of an abusive relationship. I'd been being pressured for 2.5 years into "being OK" with a boyfriend who was sexually abusive. Suddenly being out of that awful relationship made me just want to get fucked into the ground. So I got fucked into the ground. And then I started dating somebody who wasn't abusive. And my life is blissful and, comparatively, boring. (That's the problem with abusive boyfriends, they're always so... interesting.)
― Premises, Premises (flamboyant goon tie included), Friday, 29 March 2024 14:16 (five months ago) link
wish i could still get fucked but i also bounced on a lot of dick back in my day so i feel okay about it
― butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Friday, 29 March 2024 17:47 (five months ago) link
i am also, tbh, a great top
I know there are some people who are into those... I couldn't remember what the brand is called, so I had to google "bad dildos" and sure enough it came right up. Bad Dragon.
I see a lot of trans women go through what a lot of us call our "slut era". I tried, by God. I really tried. I don't know how it is for other people, but yeah, for me, it does have a lot to do with getting out of an abusive relationship. My ex-wife emotionally and sexually abused me, and it's taken a _long_ fucking time for me to accept or come to terms with that as much as I have. When we broke up, I'd never _been_ in a relationship with someone else.
It took me a year to get with anyone else and when I did it kind of became this folie a deux thing. I guess if I really want to get into it it's this relationship that overshadows everything else. She's a great person and all but holy fuck she is _not_ a low-drama person. She spent the first few months of our relationship getting fucked by anybody she could in order to try and prove to herself she was _worth_ fucking. It doesn't seem to have worked. She resents me for not meeting her intimacy needs. I don't meet her intimacy needs because one of my boundaries is that she needs to _ask_. I refuse to mind-read, particularly not when it comes to sex, particularly given that she has a really really hard time saying "no". I'm not going to be intimate with someone who lacks the self-confidence to say "no". To me, that's not really consensual.
She keeps pressuring me to find another partner because she keeps feeling "pressured" sexually by me. We haven't been intimate in six months. We cuddle. That's it. We barely even see each other once a week. I'm beyond "desperately thirsty" and am into full-on spinster, and now I'm supposed to go to this kink convention and... it just reminds me. Reminds me of all the love I want, all the love I deserve, all the love that I have never had for more than, like, a weekend, a honeymoon. She hates herself. She hates her body. She's at a weight where she can barely get around. I'm genuinely worried that she could have a myocardial infarction any day now. I gave her $20,000 to get off my couch in the hopes that it would, I don't know. Allow her to have the stable, healthy life I felt like she deserved. It didn't. No amount of money could. The money means nothing to me. The disappointment in watching her flail over and over and over again... that does hurt. A lot.
Most of the time being with her lets me avoid thinking about how painful it is for me, not having the support and care that comes with a loving intimate relationship. She gets upset when I talk about how lonely I am, and she's not _there_ for me, hasn't been _there_ for me for more than the occasional cuddle for six months now.
Well, if not her, than who? I went to this new years' eve party with all of the people I used to know before my folie a deux relationship with my GF burned those bridges and it's not like... they're not actually doing any better than I am. I stood there, sober and lonely, while I watched a bunch of people fucked up on all kinds of drugs desperately making out with each other. They were all extremely hot and extremely miserable. It was awkward. I'm just fucking trying to not be miserable. When it comes to relationships, I don't know how to do that. I'm 48 years old and I've _never had a healthy relationship in my entire life_. I love myself. I think I'm a wonderful person who has a lot to offer in a relationship. Where do I find people who have something to offer _me_?
― Kate (rushomancy), Friday, 29 March 2024 18:18 (five months ago) link
That breaks my heart, Kate!! I want you to have a healthy relationship!!
I am lucky, most of my exes are amazing people. Even actually the shitty awful ex, he is shitty and awful but he’s kinda amazing in other ways, I don’t ever wanna see him again but I don’t hate him in any respect.
― Premises, Premises (flamboyant goon tie included), Friday, 29 March 2024 19:01 (five months ago) link
idk i'm having kind of a shit weekend
i feel like going out with my friends would really help me get my mind off my breakup with my girlfriend, really lighten my mood
i try talking to my friends though, and they're all dealing with so many different crises
i feel like shit and if i could, you know, just hang out with some folks and have a conversation where nobody else talks about wanting to kill themselves, where people can just be encouraging and tell me "it's ok, you'll get over her, it sucks but in the long run you'll be better off for it, you're a great person and there are tons of people who like you, here c'mon let's go for a night out on the town, shake those blues away"
instead it's like "you know what would cheer you up, you should get an onlyfans"
i'm all in favor of sex work but no. no, i'm pretty sure getting an OF would not cheer me up. i'm pretty sure taking psilocybin and undergoing "ego death" would not cheer me up. people say i'm "oppositionally defiant" but i'm gonna be honest with you i've gotten a lot of really bad advice
i mean it's not always bad advice. sometimes it's clown memes.
breakups are _normal_, it's _normal_ to be sad when i go through a breakup even if it's not really a breakup, more a recognition something that's already happened, even if it's not a bad thing
resilience is... like what i would _like_, where i would _like_ to be is to feel really sad and cry and recognize this is hard and painful without being in a position of...
i'm _supposed_ to get out and do the normal things, check my mail, pay my bills, do the laundry, go out with friends, and that's how i'll get to feeling better, that's how i'll get back to being a healthy, functioning human being
i'm terrified of going on dates. i'm terrified that i'll go out with someone and they'll fall in love with me because i'm the first person who's shown them human kindness in six months and they'll tell me all their darkest secrets, things they've never told anybody else
and they'll think that's romantic
i work really hard to try not to be like that anymore. i put so much effort into it. i like other people, it's just hard for me to _trust_ people i like.
and it's even harder to not blame myself. to not essentialize it, to not joke about "being attracted to red flags". to. like. acknowledge that i have this deep-seated _need_ to be hurt, _need_ to be abused, that those things are _normal_ to me, and to figure out some way to... get in relationships that recalibrate what "normal" means. i've worked so hard to believe that i'm a good person who's worthy of love, and one sort-of-breakup and here i am back really wanting to seek out people who will abuse me. those people are _so easy to find_. they are so _exciting_. they are so _hot_.
well. i guess i can write instead. it feels good to be able to write this and share it and not feel guilty about sharing it, not feel like i'm doing something wrong or being inappropriate by sharing it. it's nice. and i did go for a walk today, by myself, and i felt terrible, and i still feel terrible, and it helped.
god, dbt skills ftw
― Kate (rushomancy), Monday, 1 April 2024 02:43 (five months ago) link
so glad i did a round
i like the vernaculzar these days tbh
ppl did actually wake up in a lot of waya and i'mb here for it
i would recommend the promise of civilization during these days of early to mid twenties and i yearn to hear some more.
― Swen, Monday, 1 April 2024 05:32 (five months ago) link
dear swen, i have no idea what you are talking about lol
i am a gloomy gus by nature and my primary partner's sense of humor does not always do it for me. young pine, on the other hand, brings us all together in riotous laughter quite often. we have victorian lady alter-egos with falsetto voices, i am beatrice, young pine is priscilla and j is gwendolyn. we also do crazy eyed joe redneck voices and joke about fucking rotisserie chickens. j is always straining to come up with the worst puns. most everything else right now is kind of shit but laughter is a refuge. it's medicine i usually usually won't take but my fellas are kind of forcing it on me and it's really helping.
― he/him hoo-hah (map), Monday, 1 April 2024 15:47 (five months ago) link
So! Two Victorian ladies walk into a gay bar and...
― poppers fueled buttsex crescendo (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Monday, 1 April 2024 15:48 (five months ago) link