what should you do when the guy you fell for isn't sure what he wants?

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So, in spite of my (sadly relevant) past history and intent to keep things cool, I fell for him. Unfortunately, he's not sure what he wants, or if he even wants a romantic relationship at all. As I see it, my two primary options are:

1) Wait to see if perhaps he comes around.
2) Cut my losses, relegate him to the emotional trashcan, and look for someone else.

Any advice?

― j.lu (j.lu), Sunday, 13 October 2002 02:20 (twenty-three years ago)

the answer is both. Give him time, and then, if he continues to stall, forget about it. The trick is not not grow more attached while you are waiting, making step number 2 that much harder.

― Aaron Grossman (aajjgg), Sunday, 13 October 2002 02:25 (twenty-three years ago)

i've decided that cutting off all emotional contact with the outside world is probably the best tack over the last couple of weeks.

― jess (dubplatestyle), Sunday, 13 October 2002 02:26 (twenty-three years ago)

No Jess No!

― Aaron Grossman (aajjgg), Sunday, 13 October 2002 02:30 (twenty-three years ago)

for more sage advice consult the oracular widsom of my AIM away message: "fuck everyone and fuck you too."

― jess (dubplatestyle), Sunday, 13 October 2002 02:37 (twenty-three years ago)

― Aaron Grossman (aajjgg), Sunday, 13 October 2002 02:49 (twenty-three years ago)

I realise you're probably not entirely serious, jess, but since that's pretty much what I've done for the past 18 months and I'm now a great flabby mass of bitterness, loneliness and jealousy, I wouldn't recommend it. And I'll try to leave it there because I've already vented far too much on ILX, but if I ever manage to squeeze back into the real world I will probably have forgotten how to act around people. Not that I ever really knew. (I've got to stop ranting at you people, sorry. I'll go and find some pen lids or vodka bottles to bore instead.)

I was going to try to be on-topic as well but I don't think there is any helpful advice to be extracted from my limited experiences in this area so I'll just wish you luck. (I waited, he stopped being confused, I realised I'd mostly changed my mind but couldn't work out why, he waited, I didn't stop being confused but eventually I thought, "argh, it's a bad idea but what the hell?" and he'd mostly decided against, but that was almost certainly for the best, except otherwise I wouldn't have... oh, uh, sigh. But anyway.)

― Rebecca (reb), Sunday, 13 October 2002 02:51 (twenty-three years ago)

(ACTUAL NON SARCASTIC RESPONSE: there's not enough info about the situation at hand to really offer an opinion of any value, but in my experience people DO NOT like being "worked on", even when you think you're being the sneakiest subtlest motherfucker alive, to bring them around to your way of thinking on the matter. if you really want something to come of it, the best thing i can say is continue to be his friend [assuming you are!] and continue to insinuate yourself into his life. eventually - if you're "in there" - you'll be as close as you can for him to see how important you are and vice versa, and if it doesn't take then it's Not Meant To Be.)

― jess (dubplatestyle), Sunday, 13 October 2002 02:52 (twenty-three years ago)

forget him stay friends but find someone else to do instead!

― hellbaby (hellbaby), Sunday, 13 October 2002 06:38 (twenty-three years ago)

if he says he isnt sure if he wants a romantic relationship, then im sorry j.lu it just doesnt sound like this guy is the one for you.
do your own thing, be around yes sure, but dont fall into the trap of hoping he will change his mind 'sooner or later'.
if he does, hey great! but please dont hang about waiting for him when there could be someone else so much more deserving of your attention. ie: someone who IS interested in a romantic involvement.

― donna (donna), Sunday, 13 October 2002 07:02 (twenty-three years ago)

2) Cut my losses, relegate him to the emotional trashcan, and look for someone else.

I reccomend a slightly milder version of this. Sometimes if you are TOO available/interested, it scares the crap out of guys. If you slightly lose interest and go get your own life, sometimes they notice the absence and go "Wait! I really miss having her around... hang on a minute!"

But only sometimes. If it doesn't happen, you're already on the road to happiness elsewhere.

― kate, Sunday, 13 October 2002 08:17 (twenty-three years ago)

My last girlfriend is going through something very similar indeed (to the extent of the info available to me). They seem to have a full relationship, except she's pretty much in love with him and he is open about the fact that it is entirely casual for him. They've been seeing each other for a few months, and she is getting more and more attached and he seems not to be changing at all. This is not promising. You might easily end up the same way.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Sunday, 13 October 2002 14:04 (twenty-three years ago)

I don't know. But I've got almost exactly the same problem. So maybe we should each try one tactic and see which of us ends up happier?

Actually I agree with Aaron, if you really like him then it's worth giving it some time (especially 'cos he could have things to think about which have nothing to do with you) but if he doesn't like you enough then it's not worth pining your whole life away.

― isadora, Sunday, 13 October 2002 18:48 (twenty-three years ago)

people who say this are playing you. drop him, then see if that clarifies things.

― felicity (felicity), Monday, 14 October 2002 00:53 (twenty-three years ago)

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