Forgive and Forget?

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

I need some impartial advice. I have fallen deeply madly head over heels in love with a good man and I’ve agreed to marry him BUT in his past he was a bad bad man. He has been very honest with me and told me the things he’s been involved with, he has promised me that he will never be that way again, in all the time I’ve know him he has never done anything to make me think he will. Recent events however, have made his past public knowledge (f*cking tabloids) and it’s making my life very hard. Many people are giving my the “a leopard never changes it’s spots” argument. I’m confused, am I being naive or should I trust my instincts?

― Plinky (Plinky), Monday, 14 October 2002 10:29 (twenty-three years ago)

Is it Ian Brady?

― N. (nickdastoor), Monday, 14 October 2002 10:31 (twenty-three years ago)

It's not anything pervy, no

― Plinky (Plinky), Monday, 14 October 2002 10:32 (twenty-three years ago)

Is it Sven-Goran Eriksson??

― Tom (Groke), Monday, 14 October 2002 10:34 (twenty-three years ago)

Haha helpful ILx as ever. My answer is to give things lots and lots of time.

Is it Peter Shilton?

― Tim (Tim), Monday, 14 October 2002 10:36 (twenty-three years ago)

Um, it depends what sort of things he was involved in. Crimes against the person are much, much more worrying than property crimes.

― RickyT (RickyT), Monday, 14 October 2002 10:36 (twenty-three years ago)

More 'helpful' answer: people can change but some kinds of compulsive behaviour are very very hard to change. If you dont think your man's behaviour falls into that category then follow your instincts, I'd say.

― Tom (Groke), Monday, 14 October 2002 10:37 (twenty-three years ago)

"he has promised me that he will never be that way again, in all the time I’ve know him he has never done anything to make me think he will"

Until this changes, I say you stick by him. People can change, but sometimes it's hard to tell whether they're faking niceness around certain people, or if they've actually mended their ways. As he's been honest with you about his past mistakes, I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt, but at the first sign that he might slip back into his old ways you should drop him fast.

― weasel diesel (K1l14n), Monday, 14 October 2002 10:49 (twenty-three years ago)

I saw a big poster for this near Vauxhall the other day, but it seems it has already passed. What a peculiar idea!

― Jerry the Nipper (Jerrynipper), Monday, 14 October 2002 10:54 (twenty-three years ago)

Hold on, is it Iain Duncan Smith?

― Tom (Groke), Monday, 14 October 2002 10:59 (twenty-three years ago)

He's not a politician, I'd have dumped him in a flash! He hasn't physically harmed anyone either.
Thanks for the advice though, much appreciated.

― Plinky (Plinky), Monday, 14 October 2002 11:36 (twenty-three years ago)

I thought it was John Major, but he is a politician, obv.

It's a question we can't answer. We don't know what it is, and some things strike me as more changeable and more evil than others. It's your call, and you're the only one who can make a good estimate.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Monday, 14 October 2002 17:04 (twenty-three years ago)

If you have faith in him, it doesn't matter a whit what anyone else thinks. Good luck to both of you!

― luna.c (luna.c), Monday, 14 October 2002 17:08 (twenty-three years ago)

(It matters a small whit what your family thinks, but as long as he treats you right there should be a chance that they'll come around.)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 14 October 2002 17:10 (twenty-three years ago)

(did I really say 'whit'? I need help)

― luna.c (luna.c), Monday, 14 October 2002 17:19 (twenty-three years ago)

follow your instincts plinky,and give the guy a chance. everybody deserves a chance and the fact he has been so honest with you is a good sign. good luck!!!

― donna (donna), Monday, 14 October 2002 17:53 (twenty-three years ago)

give him a chance sez we!!!

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Monday, 14 October 2002 19:16 (twenty-three years ago)

Thank you thank you thank you. I'm not sure you'd all say the same if you knew what he's been involved in (it's a very emotive issue)but he's a good person and I'm glad you don't all think I'm being totally naive. It's gonna be tough riding out the tabloid storm though. My parents are just confused, they can't reconcile the person they know, who makes me so happy, with what's being portrayed in the papers but they're sticking by us.

― Plinky (Plinky), Tuesday, 15 October 2002 06:42 (twenty-three years ago)

It's not Tony Blackburn is it?

Obviously it's difficult to give advice when I don't know you or your man, but looking at it objectively I would agree with the leopards and spots thing. People can and do change, but if someone has a history of being bad then I think there's an element of that which will always be with them, no matter how hard they try to move on.

Sometimes being in love can blind us to people's faults. Do you feel that you could continue to love and support this man if he ever repeated his 'bad' behaviour (whatever it was). None of us is perfect so it's hypocritical to say that you can't tolerate someone's faults - but for me it would just depend on how serious those faults might be, and whether or not they were perceived to be a major character flaw. Not just my perception - I think in some cases it's also important to trust the judgement of those whose opinions you would usually respect and value.

Best of luck. Shall we be reading about you in the Sun, then??!

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 15 October 2002 06:52 (twenty-three years ago)

No, I could not live with him if he repeated his behaviour. I can't defend what he was involved with, I find it abhorrent. However, he was going through a terrible time in his life and I feel grief played a big part in his behaviour. I've forgiven him but he's not forgiven himself. He's been attending counselling and I think it's helping. I not arrogant/stupid enough to think I've changed him, he changed before I met him and I truly believe he's deeply sorry for what he's done. I've told him there'll be no second chances, first sign of anything remotely like it again and I'm outta there.

― Plinky (Plinky), Tuesday, 15 October 2002 07:02 (twenty-three years ago)

is it tim from big brother?

― michael wells (michael w.), Tuesday, 15 October 2002 07:10 (twenty-three years ago)

Michael where do you live? I'm sending my boys down with baseball bats! I am beyond insulted, comprondez?

― Plinky (Plinky), Tuesday, 15 October 2002 07:14 (twenty-three years ago)

I say stick with him. If you really, genuinely believe he's changed, then more power to you.

Just be aware that if he ever does lapse into that behaviour again, it'll be horrible breaking away from him. (Unless, of course, his actions are so repulsive that you're unable to even talk to him)

― Andrew (enneff), Tuesday, 15 October 2002 07:23 (twenty-three years ago)

And by "more power to you", I meant both of you. Tabloids (and the news in general) really suck.

― Andrew (enneff), Tuesday, 15 October 2002 07:24 (twenty-three years ago)

i'm right, aren't i?

― michael wells (michael w.), Wednesday, 16 October 2002 09:32 (twenty-three years ago)

Michael you are pushing it! Mind you, he is ginger...

― Plinky (Plinky), Wednesday, 16 October 2002 09:35 (twenty-three years ago)

is that a fetish or a clue?

― michael wells (michael w.), Wednesday, 16 October 2002 09:41 (twenty-three years ago)

No clues, my betrothed will be staying completely anonymous - you don't want the tabloid scum turning up on ILX do ya?

― Plinky (Plinky), Wednesday, 16 October 2002 09:43 (twenty-three years ago)

so he's ginger then.

― michael wells (michael w.), Wednesday, 16 October 2002 09:49 (twenty-three years ago)

You gonna scour the tabloids for ginger blokes doing bad stuff now?

― Plinky (Plinky), Wednesday, 16 October 2002 09:51 (twenty-three years ago)

google alert! "ginger blokes doing bad stuff".

― michael wells (michael w.), Wednesday, 16 October 2002 09:54 (twenty-three years ago)

It does sound like a tabloid headline....

― Plinky (Plinky), Wednesday, 16 October 2002 10:09 (twenty-three years ago)

So today is THE day, my betrothed will probably be on the news again tonight (tv cameras and nasty people following him around) and in the newspapers tomorrow. It all hinges on what happens today, I am counting the minutes, I am a nervous wreck. I feel for him but part of me thinks he's a stupid b*stard for getting involved in all this in the first place but then I remember how sorry he is, and all the people who love him that are gonna be hurt by the press coverage. ILX is helping to pass the time though.

― Plinky (Plinky), Thursday, 24 October 2002 08:58 (twenty-two years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.