What should you do when the guy you fell for turns out to be married?

Not exactly. There was a ring but I never look for these things... to do so seems so...OLD!

No, nothing so torrid has been spoken of. It get's worse--he's sort of my boss...

hahaha

Seriously, I'm still going with the stay away if you can bit - I've been there, and it was dreadful. We were best friends, it turned into more, and ended badly (I loved him, he promised he'd leave, he did and then left me again months later for someone else: nb - anyone who would cheat on someone with you will cheat on you with someone else) and not only did I lose the man I loved, I lost my best friend as well.

Be strong, if you can. You deserve more.

So...I'm guessing that our current average of non-work related e-mails, especially at night and on the weekends, averaging about 10 per day, is not a good idea?

Thanks to everyone who wrote in on this--I asked my sister for advice a week ago and she has been too busy to offer any!

ILx > blood relations, natch!

Lest anyone is super worried, I'm not actually considering acting on this, but it does come on the tail end of another work related crush I had on a married guy--that one was more innocent--I knew his wife and we all hung out and he never did anything untoward...

But I'm just wondering if this is what my life is going to look like from now...Perhaps I should have gotten married a few years ago when men were still available!

What's happening is you're building intimacy, and via that intimacy you're meeting each other's needs. You don't sound like you want to find yourself in over your head so right now is a good time to stop and take stock: Where is this going for you? Are you just looking for a good friend? Are you looking for something more? Only you could possibly know. One way to better understand the process is to figure out what needs of yours he meets. Is it possible that he's meeting needs that might be better met by a romantic partner? Is it possible you're meeting needs in him that should be met by his wife? Since you've found yourself in similar shoes before, it might be worthwhile to ask yourself if you find something reassuring in the idea of dating a married man? I had one girlfriend for instance, who wasn't ready to settle down and commit -- she liked the idea that none of her married boyfriends would have that expectation of her. Note, I'm not asking these questions of you so you'll tell me, I'm asking so you'll ask you. In the end, you're the one who'll have to live with the consequences of your actions so it's worth your while to put some thought into the matter now.

As for "whomp!" however...

I read somewhere that centuries ago people used to just climb into bed with their friends (as pairs) and just cuddle each other - no sex, kissing, or anything. It was a socially accepted practice that somehow went out of favour and disappeared. Bring it back, I say.

Donut Bitch, I like your pro-cuddling attitude. I'm sure I read of some study somewhere that proved cuddling was good for your health.

Every friendship is entitled to some degree of privacy, but secrets are dangerous, IMHO. Bear in mind, his wife might not want her husband having a close and intimate friendship with a female. For some people, that's the equivalent of an emotional affair. It's probably better to know this early on; being forced to give up the relationship after strong emotional bonds have formed could be very painful. Even more painful is any accompanying accusations that may come your way as a result. I'd recommend you be especially cautious if there are children in the marriage. Bosses and underlings do sometimes meet and fall in love and live happily ever after, but mostly, those who become intimately involved leave a trail of broken hearts and blind-sided careers behind them.

It's been my experience that male-female friendships are difficult to negotiate at the best of times, and even more so if one or both of the friends are married. Integrity makes a good companion, but so too, do realistic expectations.

I suppose this is a bit like an 'open marriage'. Except that sounds like a horrible 70s hippies kind of thing, and what we have isn't 'open', it really isn't. We cannot get from anybody else what we get from each other.

I should mention that we were married in circumstances that weren't quite straightforward, and half the time we refer to ourselves as girlfriend and boyfriend. But we live together so it doesn't make much difference.

Anyway, we have this agreement. And my wife does best out of it, of course. Even men who know us both very well, and know that we are married, come on to her, and she has good relationships with some of them.

I, meanwhile, sometimes have sex with people who are essentially strangers, sex that is not intended by anybody to lead to anything else. This is fine, I'm comfortable with it.

But other times I meet people I really like, maybe kiss them, swop numbers. While I'm talking to them, I never mention I'm married. I always say pretty much immediately - and this is kind of true because my job means I have to travel - that I'm not going to be in town for long, and I dunno when I'll be back. So as to put limits on the thing or something.

So yeah, I meet people I want to meet again, but finally I never ever call. Because I don't want to have to meet them and lie, really. And because I genuinely wouldn't want to hurt anyone.

Doesn't have any experience of anything like this? Would any woman have anything to do with someone who was married who was not cheating on (i.e. lying to) his wife (this isn't an invitation obviously)? Should I just shut up?