I could talk forever and no one would care

Seriously, what Sean and Isadora said.

While we always will have insecurities I think as we get older we become alot more comfortable and happy with who we are . Your worries seem to be created from a desire to draw self esteem off others- just remember you have nothing to prove to no one, you are perfect already.

Friendship is something that builds up over time. Youve shown by your writing here to be interesting, witty and intelligent etc dont expect people to personally "get you" or connect over a couple of hours in the pub, especially if you are shy.Some people will never get you.

People often will not be wanting to get to know Graham the person straight away, it takes time to get comfortable. You need to find people to share everyday experiences without the pressure of a social grouping like a FAP.

Join a club or something, slowly over time friendships will happen. Im probably a bit more blokey than you, but mates need to be prepared to make sacrifices to help each other, to be reliable and utterly loyal. Im sounding like a lion red beer advert. But there is some truth there.

Everyone has a load to carry at your age(youre 19 right?) just dont expect to throw all the stones out at once, and remember everyone always carries something. Take your time, take each day as it comes and take it easy Graham :)

It works for me.

The only people that like me are the ones I don't offend.

Basically I wan to be ocnvinced this isn't true.

FWIW (not much probably) I thought you did fine tonight. The problem Graham isn't that you're quiet as in not saying anything but that you're actually physically very quiet - you have a quiet voice and mutter with it anyway. You are totally not the only FAP regular who does this too. Wandering off - well this is how everything ends anyway.

(the sloppiness of my typing in this thread is as much to do with typing v.quickly on one fo those BT internet payphones with the bulletproof metal keyboards, I wasn't that drunk)

You also don't need to be friends with the whole world. No-one is, and even the most seemingly popular people will probably only have a handful of people who are friends in a realistic sense of the word.

Another thing I'm sure you won't want to hear is that you *are* young. By and large, experience and maturity will make it easier to be around people, and will make you less tense in such surroundings. I know this isn't a solution, but it's almost certainly going to get better, not worse, and without you having to make any effort. Just try not to crucify yourself with worry, otherwise your problems will be entirely self-perpetuating.

Maybe hanging around Sara too much has made me paranoid, but I just get the feeling that as much as some people *do* like me, I just get the feeling that if I said "Hey, do you want to [___]?", they'd be all like "No, I'm fine".

I have made a resolution to be cheery (except today when I've had an hour's sleep and have been lumbered with standing up operating a camera which I hate, and I've been given the dodgy camera that won't hold still, and they never do anything with anyway, or use, grrr)

You don't really know that unless you ask them, though.

I have genuinely freaked out a couple of people throughn trying to hard.

but this can happen to you with your friends as well.
as a matter of fact, you know you have a 'best' friend when you can just be quiet and not saying anything to each other, but you both feel good and at ease.
not everyday, of course, but sometimes moments of silence in the company of a good friend can be really enjoyable. just don't try to be cheerful all the time if you don't feel it.

FWIW, you seemed fine and relaxed and not at all shy last night.

also, a good thing to do (this works with girls too, well, sort of) is ask 'hey, i tell you what, do you doing x', or 'i fancy going get something to eat, whadda you reckon'. BUT! like the idea only just occurred to you that second, not like you were building up in anyway.

If you see no way to directly attack the problem, you might be able to find an indirect way around it.

I did want to chat with you (as with everyone else). the thing I didn't know how to start any kind of conversation with you (what tom said made sense) (especially after some of my 'antics' on ILM) but i wanted to talk to you.

This is a little overly zen mysterious sounding. Briefly, I somehow managed to mostly solve my problem with meeting women and initiating things with them, by focusing more on an activity that would make it easy for me to meet women, rather than focusing on a frontal assault on the problem (by trying to directly change my behavior), or, say, psychotherapy, which would have been very expensive*, and would have therefore limited my ability to spend money on social activities. So, I'm still a neurotic, I guess, but things are going much better. I'm finding that through this indirect approach to the problem, or thanks to its positive results, I have now become at least a little more confident.

This may all be b.s., since just a couple months ago I was veering towards depression, but I feel that I have learned quite a bit this year, in unexpected ways, and I think I've made some important changes.

Incidentally, while I don't think it's a good idea to complain too much to other people about your situation, I think what's even more important is not letting it dominate your thinking, whether you talk about it or not. (It's not a matter of denying reality. It's a matter of recognizing that dwelling on a particular reality actually makes things worse.) I don't think it's bad to sit down sometimes and strategize about it, but then maybe it should be forgotten until the next time you sit down to think about how things are working else and what else you could do.

*Yes, I know insurance covers it, but the only people I found who I was comfortable with were not available through my HMO.

Nicole, can you have me put down too?

But please someone, make it stop, MAKE IT STOP.

hug me please!

And also - I know you think only the advice from people who've met you in the flesh can mean something, but look at all the people who've contributed to this thread and said positive things. Don't push them away. This makes me think that maybe you are looking for one or two types of people that you've decided should be the type you should be friends with. It doesn't work like that.

b) Well how does it work???? That there question is what this and the last thread and all the emails and everything have been asking.

friendships don't have to be *SO* deep and meaningful. You create a history with your friends, ie you have the ability to start from scratch and don't have to tell people everything that's ever gone wrong in your life. You learn about your friends and yourself incramentally.

friendships arise from common experience (being in class together, chatting about everyday stuff, hanging out) more than this mystical we're connected, we share the same interests way.