Toilet paper

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So as usual I let myself into my friend's house and notice a nice fresh pot of coffee, and after swilling the whole thing I notice too late - THERE IS NOT A SCRAP OF BOG ROLL IN THE WHOLE FUCKING HOUSE! How do people allow this to happen! "What is this, a prank?" "Well, nobody else here buys any so I'm refusing to buy any myself!" That's a fine principled stand but are you all going to get colostomy bags or live on yoghurt and Kaopectate from now on? I always thought it was one of those things where the presence of which was non-negotiable, obviously some people don't feel that way! Please explain, or relate humourous related disasters

― dave q, Sunday, 20 October 2002 14:13 (twenty-two years ago)

I believe Tom has used a Suede poster in desperation.

― N. (nickdastoor), Sunday, 20 October 2002 14:14 (twenty-two years ago)

See in MY house I'm always buying TP even if there's still loads, no problem there! (But then again, where I'm from people aren't so goddamn tightfisted, counting pennies to buy a box of matches)(I do have a limit though! I don't buy things like dish soap or vacuum bags, I let the flatmate buy those things cuz she's the only one who uses them! Heh)

― dave q, Sunday, 20 October 2002 14:16 (twenty-two years ago)

Cheap Joke Alert - true, there's stacks of recent NMEs in this house but I didn't want my asshole to complain! Har har har

― dave q, Sunday, 20 October 2002 14:17 (twenty-two years ago)

It was a Gorillaz poster I believe.

Both student houses I've lived in have had a similar stance to Dave Q's mate.

― Graham (graham), Sunday, 20 October 2002 14:18 (twenty-two years ago)

Talking of toilet stances, a girl once told me that she had always been taught to stand up to wipe her arse. She said it was common in Hull. Maybe it's common everywhere, I don't know. I tried it once and it was all right.

― N. (nickdastoor), Sunday, 20 October 2002 14:21 (twenty-two years ago)

I used to hide my roll of toilet paper behind the s-curve and none of my flatmates ever found it. I don't know what they used. Their fingers? Public toilets?

― toraneko (toraneko), Sunday, 20 October 2002 14:21 (twenty-two years ago)

The most enjoyably disgusting thread in a long while.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 20 October 2002 15:45 (twenty-two years ago)

ATTN: ILXOR! NED RAGGETT ENJOYS DISGUSTING THREADS! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION!

― Kim (Kim), Sunday, 20 October 2002 15:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Next you'll be telling the world that Dan enjoys salacious and suspect comments.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 20 October 2002 16:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Right. Note to self - irony NEVER works on ILX.

― Kim (Kim), Sunday, 20 October 2002 16:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Nick - how else? Sitting down?!!!11 Disgasting!

― david h (david h), Sunday, 20 October 2002 17:06 (twenty-two years ago)

If using magazines (though useless as v slippery, esp Sunday colour supplement) please be sure to remove centre staples first.

This has been a Public Service Announcement. Normally programming resumes shortly.

― C J (C J), Sunday, 20 October 2002 17:12 (twenty-two years ago)

OF COURSE SITTIN DOWN, IF YOU STanD UP YOUR aSS WILL CLOSE

― Chupa-Cabras (vicc13), Sunday, 20 October 2002 17:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Chupa-Cabras has a self-sealing bottom?

― C J (C J), Sunday, 20 October 2002 17:24 (twenty-two years ago)

You are all morons, especially me.

― david h (david h), Sunday, 20 October 2002 17:26 (twenty-two years ago)

CJ *doesn't* have a self-sealing bottom? Unruly indeed!!

― mark s (mark s), Sunday, 20 October 2002 17:32 (twenty-two years ago)

THERE ARE ONLY GUITARS!!!!!22

― david h (david h), Sunday, 20 October 2002 17:34 (twenty-two years ago)

It's not Unruly at all! I have excellent sphincter control, thank you very much.

― C J (C J), Sunday, 20 October 2002 17:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Dave Q - All English ppl secretly wear nappies.

― Andrew L (Andrew L), Sunday, 20 October 2002 18:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Is it the norm to sit down? I stand up. So does the only person I've discussed this with. If I did it sitting I'd be afraid of wrist and forearm brushing against inside of toilet.

― Eyeball Kicks (Eyeball Kicks), Sunday, 20 October 2002 18:54 (twenty-two years ago)

I have excellent sphincter control, thank you very much.

My earlier comments on the quality of this thread remain true.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 20 October 2002 19:34 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't even want to start talking about the mental pictures I have of this thread

― brg30 (brg30), Sunday, 20 October 2002 19:47 (twenty-two years ago)

no toilet paper?! shit!!!

― angelo (angelo), Monday, 21 October 2002 00:52 (twenty-two years ago)

OMG - it never occurred to me that there might be variation in bum-wiping, other than front to back versus back to front!

Standing up to wipe sounds totally mentalist. Does anyone actually stand up to shit?

― toraneko (toraneko), Monday, 21 October 2002 04:09 (twenty-two years ago)

my ex-sister in law once covered 'her' loo bowl with gladwrap and wrote a sign on it telling us to 'use our own toilet'.
we were sharing a house at the time. she was mad.
she probably stood to shit and wipe.

― donna (donna), Monday, 21 October 2002 04:20 (twenty-two years ago)

I got a stomach bug in St. Petersburg while visiting The Hermitage. Run to bog - no bog roll. Use map of St. Petersburg and my entrance ticket which was the size of 3 or 4 pieces of A5 paper.

Later I needed to go again, so I raced outside and paid to go in again (for 6 people) to get more of these A5 sheets. (It was only about 10p or so to get in).

The stalls had very low doors and walls. When seated you could have turned to your 'neighbour' and carried on a perfectly civilised conversation about the price of beetroot or whatever. Also people could look over the door and SEE! The second time I had to go, a yellow-faced Mongolian-looking face appeared at the top of the door and stared in. He only disappeared after my third or fourth screamed 'F-off'.

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Monday, 21 October 2002 08:27 (twenty-two years ago)

I was away from my house from tue morning until sun afternoon, and my two flatmates had managed to get through 7 rolls of toilet paper.

How?!!!!

I know it's petty, but I end up having my own roll in my room so that when we run out, I'm not left high and dry (or not!) I don't see why I should have to subsidise their strange ways!

― Vicky (Vicky), Monday, 21 October 2002 09:33 (twenty-two years ago)

I am thinking that standing up to wipe is a northern and Scottish thing.

― N. (nickdastoor), Monday, 21 October 2002 12:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Why do you think that? I am Scottish sure enough.

I tried the sitting down thing this morning, and it just doesn't seem hygienic to me.

― Eyeball Kicks (Eyeball Kicks), Monday, 21 October 2002 15:48 (twenty-two years ago)

I heard the most disgusting story ever about this from a friend who was at Slane a few years ago, I have no idea why he resorted to doing what he did but the fact that I don't want to even tell it here says everything about how mind numbingly horrible it was.

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 21 October 2002 15:52 (twenty-two years ago)

My mom bought me 36 rolls of toilet paper the last time she was at Sam's Club.
As God is my witness, I will never go TP-less again!

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Monday, 21 October 2002 15:53 (twenty-two years ago)

My mum said that in the 70's there was a toilet paper shortage in Britain. People were panic-buying vast amounts of TP from shops. Apparently my grandad had stockpiled a good 40 or so rolls in his spare room.

― Chriddof (Chriddof), Monday, 21 October 2002 16:25 (twenty-two years ago)

hahahahaha - i bet he said there was a jazz mag shortage too

Ronan tell it, tell it, tell!!!!!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 21 October 2002 17:44 (twenty-two years ago)

sarah, sounds like she thinks your full of shit........speaking of wich toilet paper....crunch or fold?

― leslieb, Tuesday, 22 October 2002 02:04 (twenty-two years ago)

crunch

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Tuesday, 22 October 2002 02:10 (twenty-two years ago)

one year passes...

i always keep an extra roll in my room so that when my roomate uses up all the paper (he admittedly has a bowel problem, but in that case he should be the one buying the TP!!!) and doesnt buy any for days and decides to use the paper towels, I am not left with a sore bum.

― AaronK (AaronK), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 18:08 (twenty-one years ago)

thirteen years pass...

https://www.sapiens.org/column/curiosities/ancient-roman-bathrooms/

We’ve all been caught unawares by our digestive tract at one time or another.
It happened to the Nash family several months ago. We were nearing the end of an extended road trip, driving down a secondary highway through a sparsely populated area of Colorado at night, when one of my 9-year-old twin sons had to use the bathroom. Despite my pleading, he said he couldn’t make it to the next town. (He had to poop.) So we pulled over and headed for the bushes. After he took care of his business, we realized that we didn’t have toilet paper with us.

trying times

― F# A# (∞), Wednesday, 4 April 2018 21:54 (seven years ago)

another nugget

In the same way that we use an American-style toilet, a Roman user would sit down, take care of business, and watch number two float blissfully away down the sewer system. But instead of reaching for a roll of toilet paper, an ancient Roman would grab a tersorium (or, in my technical terms, a “toilet brush for your butt”). A tersorium is an ingenious little device made by attaching a natural sponge (from the Mediterranean Sea, of course) to the end of a stick. Our ancient Roman would simply wipe him- or herself, rinse the tersorium in the running water or a small bucket of vinegar, and return it to the stand for the next person to use.

― F# A# (∞), Wednesday, 4 April 2018 21:58 (seven years ago)

Recently I have been thinking about shiny Izal toilet paper, to the extent that I found out they didn't make it any more. And that selling it is quite lucrative as there are lots of willing customers on the likes if eBay.

― Bimlo Horsewagon became Wheelbarrow Horseflesh (aldo), Wednesday, 4 April 2018 22:00 (seven years ago)

Buzzfeed has been doing very important work on the standing up to wipe divide. This link isn't that, but it's the most thrillingly horrifying thing I read last year. https://www.buzzfeed.com/juliegerstein/listen-up-men-we-need-to-talk-about-how-to-wipe-your?utm_term=.nnONJL5B#.idyMjXaE

One of the few times I went to a frat party at uni, there was no toilet paper in the bathroom. I used someone's towel.

― Yerac, Wednesday, 4 April 2018 22:18 (seven years ago)

good story

― F# A# (∞), Thursday, 5 April 2018 04:05 (seven years ago)

six years pass...

so in the OP, dave q broke into his friend's house, drank his coffee, then complained there was no tp?

― ain't nothin but a brie thing, baby (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 1 May 2024 18:02 (one year ago)

where there's coffee, there's coffee filters.. which can be employed in a pinch

― Andy the Grasshopper, Wednesday, 1 May 2024 18:06 (one year ago)

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