Why am I single?

So here's the thing. I've been single for a while now. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I have dated someone for a longer period of time. I'm 21 so basically "I'm young and still got time to find someone decent" crap is all I hear. I realize that I still do have time, but honestly I'm feeling hopeless and want to resing myself to this situation. No one seems to notice me. The guys I like do not seem to notice me.

Also, I'm shy and I don't usually approach people first. I'm not sure if there's something wrong with me. I'm not stupid and I'm quite funny. Though, people do not bother to get to know me. I guess the average-looking, curvy me scare them off.

It's not like I'm desperate. Oh well, I guess I've reached the point when I'm actually desperate after all. I need someone to respect me, hug me, laugh with me, lay down with me. Someone to love me. It sounds silly, doesn't it?

It's kind of ironic, because I'm tired of waiting, and on the other hand, I'm also too scared to make a move. I feel insecure. I hate my body. And I don't think anyone would find me attractive.

So yeah. That's me. Why am I still single?

PS Pardon my crappy English, but that's my second language :)

The best advice I can give: try to learn to love yourself. Total hypocrisy considering the source, but true. You will be a better partner when the day comes, and people will be attracted to your self-assuredness.

Also, there's someone out there for everyone. Not everyone will be attracted to you, but some most definitely will. Hold out and don't hate or feel the need to change the things that some imaginary person finds unattractive.

Some dudes are shy and don't ever make the first move. I'm like that - everyone I ever dated for a long time pretty much initiated it. Maybe ask someone to grab a cup of coffee. (Easier said than done, I know... but people usually will not respond negatively to being asked out for coffee unless they're weirdos.)

yo 21 is too early to be worrying about this. chill out.

but seriously, you might endure another decade of being alone or you might meet a dude tomorrow. go hook up with some dudes and try to parlay it into a thing, i guess, or just chill out.

do things you enjoy. find things you enjoy if you don't have any already.

just make a dating profile and talk about how you like whiskey on it

Give it a little time and you'll be coming here to ask, "Why am I in this relationship?"

Oh that's for sure in fact have we that thread?

check "no new answers"

it's so sweet of you to ask us! like, everybody i talk to here is horribly depressed and fatalistic about life, and you still think enough of us to ask us for relationship advice. :)

anyway, it sucks but it's normal. (which is kind of life itself, really- "it sucks, but it's normal".) you're statistically unlikely to actually end up forever alone, and there's lots life has to offer even if you are single. so my advice would be to focus on that stuff- this has the added benefit of making it less likely that you'll stay single.

Thank you guys for your advice!

I'm at this stage of my life where I try to love myself (somehow), and get over the fact that I'm single and chill about it. It is hard, though, seeing all those couples literally everywhere! And with my family asking me all the time where they get to meet my partner (which doesn't even exist!).

As has been suggested, get a dating profile. I go out on a couple dates a month. Often they're OK and at worst you get some bed play, learn a few new positions, and maybe make a friend.

Also: relationships are overrated as objects of happiness. So is bachelorhood. Do what feels right and don't worry what other people think.

I'm also too scared to make a move. I feel insecure. I hate my body. And I don't think anyone would find me attractive.

This goes a long way toward answering you question. You need to work on this and in many ways you may not recognize, I'm sure you already are working on this.

The moderately good news is that a great many 21 year olds have very similar insecurities, and as you and your peers become better established in your more confident adult personas, you will become more available to one another as partners. Just don't give up.

Oh, and your English is not crappy. It is quite good.

Yeah, I don't think I've ever been on a proper date. Which is kind of lame.

no one else is confident at age 21 either, don't worry

Or if they are, they are awful.

LG's advice about finding other things you enjoy is good, I think. I know a lot of people who met via shared hobbies and who might never have spoken otherwise.

with my family asking me all the time where they get to meet my partner (which doesn't even exist!).

That is unfortunate. They say this only because they worry about you and want to see you happy, but they don't realize it helps nothing and only makes you unhappy.

Exactly! But they seem to be surprised that I'm single. So they keep asking. And asking. And asking.

just smile and say "you can't meet him until I do".

believe me it's worse when they stop asking...

otm

in part their being surprised may be genuine, i.e. they simply cannot understand how their beautiful daughter can walk across campus/work/the city/go to bars etc. without being asked out by great guys all the time.

I need someone to respect me, hug me, laugh with me, lay down with me. Someone to love me. It sounds silly, doesn't it?

It doesn't sound silly at all, and bugs me that there are people who would make you, or anyone, feel silly for saying this.

There does seem to be a school of thought out there which says that the only people who are fit for romance are those whose single lives are so extra-wonderful that they could take or leave a relationship anyway. And expressing a strong desire to be with someone just proves that you're not one of these people, in which case you're "desperate", or seeking fulfillment in another person when it should really come from within, or something like that. (NB: not accusing anyone in this thread of this.)

I think the people pushing this sort of line (they don't put it in these terms, of course) are well-intentioned a lot of the time. They're trying to say that you can be happy while single, that you shouldn't expect a relationship to fix everything, and so on. But it's tiresome when pushed too far, without the acknowledgement that it's completely normal to feel lonely, and to want to be with someone, and to feel frustrated when it's not happening. Even if you're only 21.

recently single, and i like it. idk, take the time to pursue new interests and cook a lot and work out a bunch and whatnot!

yeah, i think it's importantfor our new friend to remember that relationships are terrible and not worth it

Anyway, one nice thing about your initial post is that you say that there are guys that interest you. That's good. In my experience with long periods of singleness, it's quite a bit more bleak when you're lonely but at the same time no one interests you at all.

On that note, it might be useful to think about why you like the guys you like. There can be clues in there about what you really do like about yourself, and about what kind of person you want to be.

For example: does part of your attraction to these people come from having some interests in common with them? Well if they're cool and interesting partly because they like X, and you also like X, then maybe you're kind of cool and interesting too. Or maybe one of them seems intimidatingly smart because they know a lot about Y and you don't. Well, you don't have to wait around for them, you can explore Y for yourself. It might have the side effect of getting them to notice you, but even if it doesn't, you've still gone and learned about something you wanted to know about.

In other words, although unrequited crushes can be really painful, you can also use them to discover things about yourself and improve your own life. (I think I may actually be speaking from experience here.)

I was completely UN-single from 21-25 and now, I regret it very much. I wasted the best part of my young life being in a slow, boring, grownup relationship when I could have been out living it up.

Be single and embrace it!

But also, its important not to project all the feeling of insecurity and desperation because that more than anything can turn people off. I know thats easier said than done, but its very worth working on.

I'm about 28, have been single my entire life, am still a virgin, and have usually felt something like what you describe since I was 16. I resent that the last 13 years has been marked by a mixture of emotional and physical unfulfillment, loneliness, confusion, and feelings of self-inadequacy, but that doesn't have to define one's experience. It's easy to fall back on "grass is greener" thinking with relationships (which can often be unfulfilling, or a waste of one's valuable time, or can be abusive or co-dependent or emotionally regressive or any number of things). Overcoming shyness is pretty key, though (that doesn't mean you can't be shy, but have to be in control of it rather than it being in control of you). I didn't even really try making an effort to go on dates until I was 24, due to shyness, shame, and not knowing what to do; had I made that initial effort at 21 rather than 24 I'd be in a far better position. So basically: you're still young and have time to find someone decent. I still want to know why I'm single, though (so my advice may be invalid).

Also, there's a pretty easy answer: Set up accounts on OkCupid and Tinder/Bumble/Grindr/JDate/Gluten free singles/whatever sites or apps apply to you. Talk to people. Go on dates. Go on more dates. And don't be reserved about it, because I can assure you that everyone is inherently vulnerable when it comes to interpersonal needs and attachments, and that vulnerability is basically the condition for people being together in the first place.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAjB8ag97o4

Is being single in your 40s socially acceptable?'

Alarming headline - and Graham Norton's advice repeats the usual desperation/confidence paradox ( "every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away")

The key to being single is to enjoy it. Any sense of desperation or self-loathing and people will run a mile. Some say it is a numbers game and you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. I think a better plan is to make sure your life is so great that people want to share it, and if no man comes along then at least you are having a wonderful time.

Not everyone is looking for a man tbf

THE LOBSTER (2016) - dystopian absurdist love story or something with Colin Farrell & Rachel Weisz