RFI: "Take Care of Yourself"

So, a family emergency revealed that another, ongoing family issue is even worse than I assumed. The good news is that my sister and her boyfriend are supporting me as much as they can to resolve the ongoing issue. The bad news is that I'm one of those socially awkward people who has no face-to-face friends whom I feel I can ask for support. Therefore I come to you to ask for advice on 1) taking care of myself in these troubled times, and 2) who else should I be asking for help right now. (For example, I'm not at all religious, but am wondering if I went to the nearest member of the clergy, would he or she be sympathetic?)

I've identified the relevant county-level Adult Protective Services agency, and will contact them and my employer's Employee Assistance Program on Tuesday, but can anyone recommend ways to cope between now and then? (I don't want to drink right now. While that's probably a net benefit, I assume it's a manifestation of shock, and who knows what will happen when that wears off?)

Not knowing any more than what you've said? I'll try.

Keep safe and away from danger if you have any way to do so. Provide a safe haven for any loved ones in danger, if you can. If you feel frantic, angry, afraid, helpless or any other urgent emotions and are already in a safe place, just pick up a pillow and let loose on it, scream into it, pummel it, whatever drains away the worst of it. When you are calmer, make plans, write lists, anything that feels like a constructive use of energy. Then come back here when you feel at loose ends and alone. There's usually someone helpful around here.

Eat whatever comforts you, engage with whatever culture does the same - movies, games, music, whatever. If you can get out and walk, do that every day. Try not to dwell on stuff you can't deal with today. Try to remember everything is transient. Try to remind yourself you deserve your own esteem and indulgence. Talk to anybody who'll listen without offering solutions, even if that's ILX. Try to sleep regular hours. You will get thru this.

Thank you both. The long-term issue: My mother lives alone (in Rockville, MD) and has been letting the house run down. My sister and I have been to some degree aware of this, but when we tried to talk with her, she would say she was on top of the situation. My sister and I are both guilty of taking her at face value and going on with our own lives (both of us are in Washington, DC).

The immediate crisis: My aunt Donna (my mother's sister-in-law) lives in Minneapolis. When I visited her a couple years ago, her condo was in impeccable condition and she seemed to have a solid circle of friends, so I figured she was doing fine. Well, a week ago one of those friends found Donna collapsed and having some sort of seizure; she's been in the hospital and the doctors haven't come to a definite diagnosis.

My mother flew out Monday to sit with Donna and stay in her condo. One of my mother's cats is staying with me; she couldn't round up the other. Friday night I went out to the house to try to round up the second cat, but the place was such a mess that the cat easily hid. Plus something snapped in me.

My sister's boyfriend and I spent several hours yesterday working on the kitchen, and we're going back today to do some more work. Last night my sister, her boyfriend, and I talked about what to do. My sister is very busy with work this weekend, but she's been in touch with my mother (not letting her know what we've been doing) and other relatives, plus trying to identify her doctor(s). The boyfriend is looking up dumpster services and knows a cleanup crew (specializing in crime scenes, but also handling hoarder houses for "relief"). My list for Tuesday, when offices open again, is to contact 1) the county's Adult Protective Services, to hear what they recommend, 2) my employer's Employee Assistance Program, and 3) my old therapist, partly to see if she can give my mother a referral to someone in Rockville, partly because I feel myself slipping back into the "pit."

I know I need to eat, but I have to make myself do that right now. I've been sleeping sort of regularly (difficulty: the cat staying at my place is downright clingy). I tried watching Svengoolie last night, but kept brooding.

Thanks for letting me vent. I got through a squalor situation of my own several years ago by knuckling down and ruthlessly purging my fridge and other things. I consider myself to be "in maintenance," and as part of that maintenance do a weekly housecleaning ritual, plus try to clean or clear away the day's things as soon as possible. I know that it's possible to get through such situations, but from all I've read the person must truly WANT to change.

that's probably true, it certainly feels impossible to help anybody who doesn't want to help themself. is your mom still able to look after herself? is she clean, nourished, managing her finances? if she is and she's not fazed by the state of her house it might be hard to get her to change.

does some of this bring up worries about yourself and your own life j? some of my worst fears for my kids feel like reflections of an inner guilt that's really about bad choices i've made. it's hard to see people we love struggling and not bring our own feelings into the mix. hopefully the Adult Protective Services people can give you a more objective sense of how your mom is coping?

it sounds like you've done what you can do for now, and put things in motion. part of the pain and worry will be that helplessness that comes with waiting on other agencies to do their thing but at least you know what you're facing - it's better that you found this stuff out now, i guess?

In the past, when we saw my mother outside of her house, she seemed reasonably well-groomed, which now seems incredible from what I've seen of the bathrooms. She has lost weight in the last couple of years. According to her she is in excellent shape financially, but I am afraid of discovering otherwise.

I know this does tap into my own fears for my future (not in a relationship, thinking of friends only when I'm a friend in need and feeling guilty as hell about that).

Some good news: I caught the second cat this afternoon and brought her back to my place! Kaboom is lurking resentfully in my closet, but should soon be spreading strange meows and smells about the place!

yay for Kaboom :)

I'm beginning to wonder if Kaboom's father wasn't an extraordinarily bold squirrel. I'll see if I can get a picture tonight.

In the meantime, given that distractions from my waiting and helplessness might be a good thing, would it be a bad idea to try putting up a profile on a dating site? I know better than to expect true love to drop in my lap, but something to get me out of the house probably would be a positive, right? At least I can laugh if someone sends me unsolicited dick pics?

laughter would be pure gold for atm. but I'm not about to send you any dick pics, no matter how hard you might laugh.

Kaboom
http://i1301.photobucket.com/albums/ag118/floralefay/Kaboom_zpsomunad02.jpg?t=1487556910

Daughter of Baby
http://i1301.photobucket.com/albums/ag118/floralefay/TheMightyHuntress_zps6t59qg4q.jpg

...and a squirrel? (Seriously, Kaboom dashes around the place like a squirrel on crack.)