Company internet access regulations

I.T. and the internet have massively increased the profitablity of many corporations and at the same time have had the (unintended) side- effect of making office work that little bit more tolerable. This seems like a good thing all round but no, modern management types have the gall to describe the gap between their company's present prosperity and that which it could conceivably achieve if personal emails and internet use were stamped out, as a loss - "it's costing British industry x amount of millions each year" etc - fuck off, that's like saying people's unwillingness to work for half their present salary is costing British business billions. you're not suffering a fucking 'loss' just because you could possibly be making even more than you do already (if only people would act more like the dehumanised drones of communist-era Eastern Europe..) They really do think that cos they're paying you a wage you have a duty to dedicate your every second to increasing their profit, the fucking greedy work- obsessed cunts.

In any case, breaking up the day with a bit of internet or email chat is no different than stopping for a few words with co-workers at the water cooler except that with emails you can converse with people you actually like not just the twats you find yourself stuck with at work. And breaking up the monotony of work can ultimately lead to a better job being done anyway.

At my work they've tried to block internet access a few times, all that happened was that their entire system went down whenever they tried it, so they gave up. It's great whenever things fuck up around here, and if they don't, I'll gladly sabotage them.

I'm also told that the company can read everything I type on the Interweb. I do hope so. HEY ASSHOLES! I HAVEN'T DONE ANY WORK AT ALL TODAY! FUCK YOU! HA HA HA HA HA!

The company I work for actually sent round an email stating that the company policy is *not* to monitor our emails or internet usage.

We are supposedly allowed to use the interweb so long as we don't flame people on bulletin boards (you're all a bunch of c*nts)or post company confidential info plus all the interesting sites (porn, Big Brother etc.) are blocked. Personal interweb and email use is allowed so long as it doesn't get in the way of something called 'work' whatever that is.

We're allowed a certain amount of abuse and dodginess, but no more than 4 swear words per email, it has now transpired.

This strikes me as a bit odd. Have they done research about the number of swear words it takes to offend? Isn't it quality, rather than quantity? Surely if they can count the number of swear words in an email they can come up with something more sophisticated than this. They should have a weighting system - 'bloody' is like, lower than 'Meatloaf' in terms of offensiveness, whilst 'twunt' instigates an automatic life ban from editing the company newsletter.

WARNING

There is a new virus going around, called "work."

If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, Internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague ...DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months, and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub."

The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar* with two friends and order three pints of beer (or Jack and Coke).

After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

*Note: this urgent email sent unprompted this morning by my friend NB, whose u&k dispref for pubs shines thru even in emergencies....

Cheers to Mark S for that. University policy here is very lax. Likely as not there's some monitoring going on by Systems for their own amusement, but it's been a laissez-faire approach, which makes sense given some of the material being researched around here (and some of the librarians involved!). Ergo my constant dwelling on the boards and e-mail, when not involved with that actual 'work' stuff.

My company policy is to stay off the net as much as possible, and do something productive for at least one more week.

We're mostly unlimited with the exception of (obviously) pr0n and Web mail. But for some bizarre reason, the Twisted Nerve website is blocked as well. ???

If I were in charge of employees' internet access I would introduce just such arbritrary restrictions. Twisted Nerve? NO.