Write your personal ad

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25 words at most .

― anthony, Saturday, 18 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

SWM seeks F ASAP, PDQ. (ten minutes later) Er, never mind, just wants to be friends now.

― Ned Raggett, Saturday, 18 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

blah. blurgh?

― Geoff, Saturday, 18 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

SF AGHES seeks GOQMBOW with AJBISN

― Lyra, Sunday, 19 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Can we have a translation guide at the end of this thread, like in Clockwork Orange?

― Dave M., Sunday, 19 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

pretty girl seeks a boy to treat me mean and buy me stuff.

― rainy, Sunday, 19 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

'I am very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very good in bed.'

If that doesn't work then nothing will.

― Emma, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Except that the man might see it as some kind of gauntlet being thrown down. No one wants to get involved in competitions with a sexual athlete. I think you should add 'And also very easily satisfied. I exist only for your pleasure'

― Nick, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Then I would have to lose some of the verys to fit the word limit and that would be doing myself a disservice.

― Emma, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Extraordinary man seeks extraordinary woman for romance and poss. sex. Must be stunningly beautiful. Time wasters considered.

― Nick, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

What is 'poss. sex'? Possible sex? Possessive sex? Sex with your posse?

― Emma, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Sorry - typo. Meant to read 'boss sex'

― Nick, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Boss in the Northern sense of great ('boss trainers') or boss as in sex with your boss?

― Emma, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Sorry - another typo. Should read 'boss sax'

― Nick, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Ill bore seeks dissimilar.

― Tim, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

You love it you slag. Box [xyz]

― mark s, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

SWM, SOH, seeks partner able to change gender at will, to learn ditto the fun way

[bettah yet: replace "will" w. "random"]

― mark s, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Like long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, exciting conversation? Too bad, I only talk rubbish about music. Call (603) 255 - 4532.

― Dave M., Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

A tosser seeks new hobby.

― Martin, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Has anyone's worked yet? Does anyone have an in box full of offers?

― Emma, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Has yours not then, Emma?

btw - I really meant 'bass sax'

― Nick, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Well, most of my mail today has been from my boss. Either he has been spying on my ILE use and is overjoyed to discover that I am a raging nympho or it is down to the fact that we are in different buildings.

Other than that not a peep. Bugger.

― Emma, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Single smoker seeks same for long-term suicide pact.

― DG, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

How abt "I wd like to let you suck on my pipe"?

― mark s, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

MBM seeks no one because he's happy. Also, she'd kill him.

(Going on previous conversations, this should get me offers by the bucketload!)

― Dan Perry, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

That's far too lewd for me, Mark.

― DG, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Clockwork Orange with a translation guide? How awful. Figuring it out was half the fun. 75%, even.

― Lyra, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Bicycle seeks fish.

― He's Not, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

"Apologetic, tie-wearing, ineffectual, Baxendale obsessed, failed architecture student fop with headache and sore knee seeks similar"

I'm quite a catch, aren't I?

― jamesmichaelward, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I have boobies.

― Kim, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

SWM seeks Kim.

― JM, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Shut in seeks kind soul to bring 1 can soup daily and dance in saran wrap for hundred dollar bills.

― jess, Monday, 20 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Bore seeks more for fore (play).

― Pete, Tuesday, 21 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I'm replying to Jess's ad.

― Lyra, Tuesday, 21 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Don't you want me?
You know I don't believe you
When you say that you don't need me

Might work.

― jel, Tuesday, 21 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

SWM. I've got a good job. Let's fuck.

― Tadeusz Suchodolski, Wednesday, 22 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The theory goes that in personal ads men bang on about their wallet size while women attempt to make themselves sound physically alluring. What a sad indictment of modern times.

― Emma, Wednesday, 22 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Worst metaphor that you see all the time in Guardian Soulmates is the car one - one careless owner, needs a tune-up etc. etc. It astonishes me that people still use this but maybe someone finds it endearing.

― Tom, Wednesday, 22 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Maybe endearing because their choice of such hackneyed phrasing suggests they are even more of a loser than they are claiming. And I suppose if you're into losers then why not go the whole hog?

― Nick, Wednesday, 22 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

If you're into losers then why not go the whole hog? Pathetic twunt seeks mopey bitch for long evenings by the bar heater.

― Sam, Wednesday, 22 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Car metaphor sort of conjures up image of anorak-wearing British men shrugging self-deprecatingly away into the night.

― Dave M., Wednesday, 22 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The worst thing about the car metaphor though is that it's most often WOMEN who are using it. As if the only way to a man's heart is by pretending to be a ca - oh hold on.

― Tom, Wednesday, 22 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

two months pass...

Capable, creative, charming man, good toolkit; undeperately seeks adventurous, phillosphical, sassy girl (woman) for Compassion Acceptence Respect Empathy - Emma are you available?

― Mike, Saturday, 10 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Sure am. I have a good toolkit too with a hammer and 2 screwdrivers.

― Emma, Monday, 12 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Bloke seeks bird.

This should ensure a high class of applicant.

― Will, Monday, 12 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Let me rephrase.

Will seeks Helen Baxendale.

― Will, Monday, 12 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Here's a goody... BSWF Searching for SSWM N/S NOW!

― Gale Deslongchamps, Tuesday, 13 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I would like to rephrase my re. ABWF Cherche un BONHOMME De NEIGHE= BHSSGFL! A Bientot:) Gale

― Gale Deslongchamps, Tuesday, 13 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

i too, would like to rephrase:

Shut in seeks kind soul to bring 1 can soup daily and dance in saran wrap for hundred dollar bills.

shut in seeks kind soul to bring 1 can soup daily and dance in saran wrap out of the goodness of their hearts. thank you.

― jess, Tuesday, 13 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Technically underage female seeks male to provide sex, talk about religion and music, and shut up the rest of the time. Have a nice day.

― Maria, Tuesday, 13 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

oh i think that'll get some responses.

― ethan, Tuesday, 13 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

got my attention. actually, i think maria's tapped into the needs of every guy on this board: cheap sex, music geek chat.

― jess, Tuesday, 13 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

and religion. she's like the funladynow of ile!

― ethan, Tuesday, 13 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

1) What's a funladynow?
2) I did say you have to shut up the rest of the time.

The sad thing is that I realized that except for the sex bit, I've described the Mormon boy I've been going on about for months.

― Maria, Tuesday, 13 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

oh god not him, Maria did you not listen when I said he might be a CYBORG!

― rainy, Tuesday, 13 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

My friend Feargus put the best one in a gay contact magazine:

"Dull man seeks anything with pulse." Then you call the voicemail and get the 'real' Feargus.

― suzy, Tuesday, 13 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

www.areyoubrianornot.com

― Brian MacDonald, Tuesday, 13 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

lucy lurex don't need to advertise.

― di, Tuesday, 13 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

He is not a cyborg. I caught him either a) misjudging himself or b) LYING.

― Maria, Wednesday, 14 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

lucy lurex sounds like she meets all her men in either the penitentiary or the mental institution, whichever she happens to be staying at at the time

― Menelaus Darcy, Wednesday, 14 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

"Once I dreamt I was standing barefoot in the middle of a swampy marshy wetland. I looked down towards my feet and growing all over the earth were little patches of "polyp people" growing in pink fleshy, naked clusters... smiling and waving at me. They were everywhere. I couldn't move without stepping on their slippery little tumorous heads. I could feel them screaming and popping beneath my feet with every step. I didn't want to hurt them but I had no choice.... it was suffocating. A similarly themed dream I used to have involved our cat Ras. She was 23 years old when we had her put to sleep. I used to have bad dreams about her in which she had a very long and boneless neck. Her head was constantly in danger of getting caught on things. I was always struggling to keep her head from getting torn off her fragile neck. In one dream she had a litter of long, boneless necked kittens which again I was desperate to protect but they would inevitabley lose their heads. In another dream I found my apartment to be infested with hundreds of newborn, hairless pinkie mice... their eyes still unopened. They were under and between every cushion in every chair, in every doorway, every pocket, every shoe..... again, I could not move without breaking, squishing, puncturing these fragile little pink things. It was horrible and inevitable. " Anders J

― Mike Hanle y, Wednesday, 14 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Jesus. Like *that* was the best thing for me to read before bedtime!

― Kim, Wednesday, 14 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Looking for combination blowup doll/PA/unpaid psychiatrist with immaculate coiffure

― dave q, Wednesday, 14 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

"Thinks literally, thinks laterally, but isn't DLT. Sharper than he sounds. Cleverer than he comes over. Sadistic bastard, but only when he feels like it."

― Robin Carmody, Friday, 16 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Banana seeks monkey.

― Ally C, Friday, 16 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

ten months pass...

me: scrawny homebody, dislikes going out in public and "activities". 4'11" brown/brown, tracheotomy and eleven toes. UB: female, all limbs intact. wanna get freaky?

― ron (ron), Friday, 20 September 2002 05:18 (twenty-three years ago)

this thread is great! i esp like nick's typo run and "i have boobies" !!

― ron (ron), Friday, 20 September 2002 05:33 (twenty-three years ago)

burp...

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Friday, 20 September 2002 09:03 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh man, I missed this one until now!

SWF seeks boy, must know how to make cute mix tapes.

― lyra (lyra), Wednesday, 25 September 2002 23:29 (twenty-three years ago)

Sorry - I really meant to type tex mex.

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 25 September 2002 23:49 (twenty-three years ago)

horny loser guy seeks polymorphus love slut

― gazza, Thursday, 26 September 2002 05:40 (twenty-three years ago)

i love anything

― mark s (mark s), Sunday, 29 September 2002 10:56 (twenty-three years ago)

No time wasters, please.

― (rdmanston), Sunday, 29 September 2002 19:31 (twenty-three years ago)

i am very very lonely
ANSWER ME YOU BASTARDS

― Ray M (rdmanston), Monday, 30 September 2002 11:59 (twenty-three years ago)

Thirty centimetres.

― Andrew (enneff), Monday, 30 September 2002 12:52 (twenty-three years ago)

four months pass...

Sikh seeks sikh.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 30 January 2003 19:26 (twenty-three years ago)

My cruelly handsome features will, for a time, mask the fact I am a huge bundle of inadequacies and insecurities. Although I will come off highly presentable in the beginning, almost too good to be true, as the relationship progresses you will begin to notice little cracks in my carefully constructed veneer, but because the personality I initially presented seems to be exactly what you've always dreamed of, you will blind yourself to these faults or, preferably, think the fault actually lies with you for expecting too much. You will soon find yourself complaining about my excessive drinking and wandering eye, but years of practice will enable me to turn these accusations back on you, making you feel as if you're being needlessly critical. As the months go by and our sessions of intimacy decrease, you will start to get suspicious about my frequent absences and ludicrous claims about where I've been. Once it becomes clear that the relationship is in a death spiral, I will pull all kinds of manipulative bullshit to get you to stay, but I will also alternate this with the worst kinds of cruel comments and jokes at your expense, causing your friends to refuse to have any contact with you until you break up with me. Finally, you will come to your senses and wonder why you've wasted two years of your life on someone like me, but, since I've never invested anything emotionally in the relationship anyway, I will be completely oblivious to your reasons for disappointment, and will, in an almost indecent period of time, be dating someone you a) work with or b) live in the same building as. When we see each other in public I won't have the grace to look ashamed or even acknowledge your presence. No fatties, please.

― TMFTML (TMFTML), Thursday, 30 January 2003 19:29 (twenty-three years ago)

Hi my names is Chris and I'm a millionaire. (secretly tucks his $19000 a year tax return into his pocket)

― Chris V. (Chris V), Thursday, 30 January 2003 19:35 (twenty-three years ago)

Looking for wealthy submissive, male or female, who want to sign over all of their worldly goods to yours truly in exchange for being treated like crap and taken advantage of. If you're not submissive, but are attracted to cults and are wealthy, I'll consider your applications as well. (I need someone to support my book habit!)

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Thursday, 30 January 2003 20:03 (twenty-three years ago)

Total-weirdo Shaggy-from-Scooby-Doo single-father musician/insurance dude who can cook everything from Kentucky hot-browns to Russian vischie-swa (sp?). Hobbies include listening to Ravi Shankar records totally baked, watching The Big Lebowski too often to be healthy, and shagging ferociously for hours on end. Seeking a financially-secure sugar momma hottie with lots of patience. No religious fundamentalists, please.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 30 January 2003 21:05 (twenty-three years ago)

As if the only way to a man's heart is by pretending to be a ca - oh hold on.

I always said Demeter should start making a New Car Smell scent -- the average American guy would find that a really sexy perfume.

― j.lu (j.lu), Thursday, 30 January 2003 21:09 (twenty-three years ago)

I think I posted this on another similar thread:

Levin seeks Kitty.

― Aaron Grossman (aajjgg), Thursday, 30 January 2003 21:11 (twenty-three years ago)

SWF, DC scene hipstress, seeks SWM for concerts, thrifting, and comparing record collections. Your blog gets mine. No sadsacks.

― j.lu (j.lu), Thursday, 30 January 2003 21:16 (twenty-three years ago)

Russian vischie-swa (sp?)

Vichysoisse? What do you do to it to make it Russian?

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 30 January 2003 21:27 (twenty-three years ago)

collaborate?

― felicity (felicity), Thursday, 30 January 2003 21:28 (twenty-three years ago)

use sausage only.

― g.cannon (gcannon), Thursday, 30 January 2003 21:28 (twenty-three years ago)

This is totally like what I imagine real persoanl ads to be like.

― Aaron Grossman (aajjgg), Thursday, 30 January 2003 21:46 (twenty-three years ago)

MWC seeks SWF for hot times. You clean our apartment, we watch tv. No sex.

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Friday, 31 January 2003 10:47 (twenty-three years ago)

lonely type seeks solitude, yo. reply to another ad, please.

― g-kit (g-kit), Friday, 31 January 2003 10:55 (twenty-three years ago)

lucylurex: i am writing my personal ad

notyourhaircut: 28th feb

lucylurex: help me

notyourhaircut: what is it going?

lucylurex: so you are a taurus?

lucylurex: no?

notyourhaircut: nah, aquarius

lucylurex: aquarius?

lucylurex: yes

lucylurex: this is the dawning of the age of aquarius!

notyourhaircut: what does this mean?

lucylurex: so fari have "woman seeks"

notyourhaircut: what're you seeking?

lucylurex: heres some ideas :

lucylurex: woman seeks people to ply her with alcohol so she can slap their faces and call them creeps

lucylurex: woman seeks world of marcbolan clones

lucylurex: woman seeks people to throw themselves at her so she can reject them

notyourhaircut: i like number two

lucylurex: woman seeks people to flirt with her so she feels superior

notyourhaircut: esp if you spell it marcbolan

lucylurex: haha

lucylurex: woman seeks people with too much eyeliner

notyourhaircut: woman seeks world of marcbolan clones so she can slap their faces and call them creeps

lucylurex: NOOO!

notyourhaircut: hahaha

lucylurex: woman seeks world of marc bolan clones with too much eyeliner

― di smith (lucylurex), Friday, 31 January 2003 11:11 (twenty-three years ago)

i've never posted an AIM conversation before. (ps i'm not really that arrogant)

― di smith (lucylurex), Friday, 31 January 2003 11:14 (twenty-three years ago)

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