Bad Inventions

1) a tractor attachment which instead of baling hay knits it into a bunch of hay sweaters
2) a program which sorts job applications according to whether the applicant is named “Kimmy”
3) a wallet which automatically unfolds into an umbrella when it rains, a side effect of which is that it empties its contents onto the ground
4) a device which scans documents and places a checkmark into every available check box
5) a machine that sorts your fruit and discards all duplicates into the waste bin
6) a stove with an alarm that goes off every time it thinks you should cook pasta
7) a beautiful fireworks display that shoots out of your chimney when the cat goes into the litter box
8) a robot that rides your bike for you every day
9) headphones that cancel all ambient noise and generate the sound of a single voice screaming “EFFICIENCY!” over and over while you work
10) an oscillating fan which turns to face whomever is speaking at the time
11) a big red light that flashes if there is a spider anywhere in the house
12) a sensor that tracks the whereabouts of all boat owners in the neighborhood

a cell phone you can hide a book in

All of these are wonderful, some overlap in style with the Your Terrible Ideas thread but it’s hard to argue with results

Anyway:

A suitcase that sings its contents

An alarm clock that crawls onto your pillow and makes loud chewing sounds close to your ear to wake you up

Ok we’ve had plenty of time to come up with some terrible and/or useless quarantine inventions. Gimme your worst!

E.g. a deodorant stick which, when uncapped, sings a jaunty song, but during application begins screaming horribly.