Why Have I Got So Many Damn Haterz?

I write for a student newspaper. I know, big time, I'm sure Max Martin and Pharell Williams both read the Lancaster SCAN eagerly to see what they should be doing next. So, I'm impotent in my critical powers.

Anyway... I recently reviewed a bunch of local unsigned bands for the paper, which was given the second main review spot in the magazine, behind, I dunno, another protracted bout of fellatio by a fresher journalist on whichever Oxfam artired garage rock act the NME told them to like this week. Unsuprisingly, most of the bands veered towards the "suck" portion of the dial. There was one half decent band called "Sprocket Launcher", whose sounding-like-Guano-Apes-ness was half-nullified by the appalingness of their name. The rest of the bands were rub squared.

Anyway, case solved? You'd hope as much. But, no no no...

We get a letter into the paper, as detailed on my weblog somewhere (http://www.iheldherinmyarms.blogspot.com, for those of you who have forgoten/never been/went once and decided it was shite). Basically, some funster has a good old whinge about me, basically saying "You shouldn't review music you don't like". I respond, serving sucker MCs and members of bands called "Grind" (yeah, I thought that as well) like I worked in a restaurant, and hoped that'd be the end of it. The paper with the letter came out today incidentally.

But, as the Churchill dog would have it, "No no no no no". Seems like the band are wont to mither on their webpage about me as well. Because in the real world, everyone will hold the opinion that GRIND are the best thing since the lesbian kiss in Brookside, or whatever. So, you know me, always ripe for a bit of piss-taking of the tragically dull, I simply copy and paste a entry from funboy's weblog (called "Satan's Pringle Online", for fuxxake) into my blog. The one that makes him seem like tedium with extra cheese.

And, Jesus H Corbett, do the band get irritated. For crying out loud, the entry's only been there a fucking day, and already from him and his close personal friends we've had comments like:

And I'm 'a real person' too huh? Your weblog is entitled 'I held her in my arms', and you take the piss out of me?

Yeah, I forgot that whole link between being a Violent Femmes fan and not being a real person. It slipped my mind, somehow, that all fictitious characters ever carry around a copy of "Why Do Birds Sing?" and rhapsodise over their cover of "This Charming Man" at all possible instances. What the sweet fizzuck are you talking about man?

Well nd, some people are just born wankers..........................or do I mean journalists

Well done, you cracked a funny. You are now entitled to appear on a late night discussion show on Channel 5 with Victor Lewis Smith.

Having spent about two minutes perusing the first entries of Dom's blog, I find he doesn't actually appear to like any music.

The first few entries of my blog currently deal with the greatness of Ill Bill, Articolo 31, Run DMC, Lonnie Donnegan, ballboy, and the new Tori Amos single. I mean, I know facts aren't exactly going to help you, but still...

Um. Actually nd you're gonna hate this. Firstly he likes some music, namely Gordon Gano. Secondly he's probably a member of our beloved Christian Union. Could a more unholy combination exist? ;)

Firstly, you used a smilie, thus your worth is nil. Secondly, your point? Yes, I'm a Catholic. Whoopie-fucking-flip. "Oh no, someone shares a different belief structure to me, he must be insane. LET' KILL SOME MUSLIMS". Secondly, err... Gordon Gano is a Christian. How is that "unholy". For crying out loud...

Anyway, yes, weblog wars are stupid and for the insane and unhealthily wrong. But I needed to get this out of my system or I was going to have to beat the postman to death.

So, give me some love here ILX guys. Alternative, view the scene of the crime at: http://www.dismembered.co.uk/mosaik/comments.php?post=1883. And if anyone of them decide to come here to bother us, one apologises profusely.