Pitch your dark, gritty reboot

Gilligan's Island with added cannibalism

Hägar the Horrible gritty tv show. just called Hägar. Hägar has PTSD from the atrocities he has committed raiding Britain, spiritual crisis when he wonders if he will get into Valhalla etc.

Sesame Street with Big Bird being ex-pimp

Street Sharks except it's the future and all the streets have been destroyed so where do the Sharks even go now

Sister Sister, where they have to fight out of an unjust and horrifying foster care system that separates siblings at birth

Scrubs with JD being an ex-pimp

Peanuts but concentrates on Spike, a coyote for hire who also dabbles in biker meth

Silver Spoons except where there's a whole different kind of silver spoon featured if you know what I mean (oh and also where little Ricky is an alt-right POS now)

Denver the Last Dinosaur, with Denver being an ex-pimp

Joy and the rest of the Bugaloos suffer from body dysmorphic horror and their love quadrangle, each week singing a new dirgy, _Disintegration_-type song.

Punky Brewster, where now she's an actual punk rocker. Who solves crimes for some reason?

he said that you son of a bitch (Neanderthal) at 3:27 4 Feb 21
Sesame Street with Big Bird being ex-pimp

Starsky & Hutch, with Huggybear as an ex-pimp who has returned to pimping.

The Sesame Street parody was the best Chappelle Show episode.

Starsky & Hutch, with Huggybear as an ex-pimp who has returned to pimping.

― Vladislav Bibidonurtmi (Old Lunch), Thursday, February 4, 2021 12:40 PM (thirty-one seconds ago) bookmarkflaglink

snoop dogg's huggy bear in the 00s film was still a pimp and vaguely menacing iirc

Tintin, the problematic storyline, adapted by Spike Lee.

Doonesbury but all the liberal boomers are into Q Anon now.

Hereditary but gritty is in it

Doonesbury but all the liberal boomers are into Q Anon now.

hahahahaaaa

Mourinho takes over from Pochettino

this is one of best friend's parents who were definitely dope smoking democrats in the 80s and are now, we'll charitably say, Q-adjacent (and very MAGA obv). ;_;

xpost

Bob Ross except he's painting exquisite still lifes of bodies he has artfully dismembered.

Valerie, only when the titular lead actress dies instead of introducing a new character and renaming the show The Hogan Family, the family begins to lure new women into the house and murder them for parts so the can create a new vessel that their matriarch's spirit can resurrect into

Pinnochio is permanent trapped inside the whale, playing hand after hand of gin rummy with Jimminy Cricket, as each of them slowly devolves into madness.

The Exorcist but it's irony poisoning instead of demonic possession.

The Exorcist but it’s an unemployed woman masturbating with a crucifix on OnlyFans to pay rent.

Wizard of Oz with an endless succession of 'good' witches leading Dorothy further into danger without ever bothering to mention that her goddamn magic shoes can take her home anytime.

The Brady Bunch only the kids are all fucking each other

Max Headroom where instead of a digitized head on the tv screen it's a dick

a gritty dick?

Only Frewer knows for sure

DJP's Hogan reboot wins this round.

Dan is uh very good at this thread, lolz

esp the Hogan Family one

Perfect Strangers only it’s Fight Club

ngl i would take on another paid premium streaming service to watch Hogan reboot

My Two Dads, with both dads as ex-pimps

Jaded, pill-popping, foul-mouthed Slylock Fox takes on one last case.

Bosom Manor Revisited -- everyone is either part of a pedophile conspiracy or they are UKIP racist shits, like you have to decide whom to root for -- the paedos or the nazis

My computer that I brought to the beach and I dropped it in the SAND and then I spilled COFFEE on it and it FROZE so i had to hold down the power button

Multiplicity, with each duplication being a grittier pimp than the previous, with exception to the fourth duplicate, which is just Gritty.

Pinwheel, with Plus and Minus as ex-pimps

Trumpton, except it's set in an alterna-WW2 and the village has been occupied by invading Nazis

'Allo 'Allo but the French characters are collaborators tasked with hunting down members of the resistance and Allied airmen.

Full House, with Danny Tanner as an ex......

boxer

Mork and Mindy, if it was The Americans

ALF, with Alf being an ex-pimp

OK ok we get it.

Cheers. A documentary series following the dark lives of a bunch of severe alcholics and their road to recovey.

Lassie, where the show is exactly the same except that they've shaved the word 'TITS' into Lassie's fur

^ Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey

Just head this discussed on the What A Day podcast. Winnie The Pooh having slipped out of copyright now open to other treatment.
I assume Disney's interpretation has a different copyright

Dad's Army but it's winter 2022 and a bunch of senile old Tories are preparing to stem a Russian invasion amidst food shortages and fuel shortages

titled "Keep Calm and Come and See"

beautiful

> I assume Disney's interpretation has a different copyright

someone on twitter saying that disney still own the copyright on their version but as long as he's not wearing a red shirt you're good to go.

Small Wonder, still a shitty sitcom, but final episode, Vicki kills her host family

jesus I DID THIS ONE ALREADY A YEAR AGO

ok scratch that uhh...

umm....

Perfect Strangers but Balki isn't really Balki, he's a random, non-Meepos guy who murdered the real Balki so he can get closer to Cousin Larry and steal his identity and access the secret Appleton fortune, that even Larry knows not about.

50% of the show is footage from Step by Step

she was programmed to reward funny things and punish the unhumorous. by the end of the series, she had simply no choice

Growing Pains, featuring a grown-up Leo Dicaprio, and the entire series is Leo calling Mike Seaver and saying blasphemous things, until Kirk breaks the fourth wall and flips out and screams about how his Christmas movie was actually Citizen Kane.

oh, wait, dark gritty? hmm....uh - Boner is a hard-boiled detective and he spends the whole series solving the murder of a John Doe and the dead person turns out to be...him.

Antiques Roadshow, only it’s Friday the 13th: The Series

X-Files but now they follow QAnon

The Great British Bake-Off, where one contestant is killing the losing baker each week and incorporating their remains into their weekly showstopper challenge unbeknownst to the other contestants or the judges, but the production staff knows and is helping with the murders

Hereditary but gritty is in it

― Yelp for gyros (wins), Thursday, February 4, 2021 12:48 PM (one year ago) bookmarkflaglink

Dark: the German Netflix series that's like an amalgamation of Twin Peaks, Back to the Future, and X-Files but gritty is in it

DJP’s contributions to this thread are killing me

SNL but they let the hosts freely spout anti-semitic tropes.

Arthur, a true crime miniseries where the adult animals put their heads together to solve the disappearance of Francine. Arthur is voiced by Richard Kind, Francine is found dismembered in a ritual killing, Binky is revealed in the penultimate episode to have been the cult-leader culprit. The "heart" of the series however revolves around the changing relationship between Arthur and his cop sister DW, who is attempting to assist in the investigation while covering up evidence of her own corruption and cartel ties.

ER, but each episode is from a new patient's pov as they show up to the ER, wait, then die.

Each episode ends with Clooney, drenched in blood, staring at the camera, intoning "We lost another one."

Scooby Doo, where Scooby isn't a dog, but a man seen together to look like one. Which is why he talks the way he does

Night Court: SVU

Which 1980s rapper is available to play the prosecutor

The Jetsons, in which George and family live in a cyberpunk dystopia, an environmentally degraded Earth inhabited by impoverished masses toiling for a ruling global elite that includes the Spacely family. The technology in the Jetson home is either surveillance equipment installed by the government or black-market, usually dangerous tech that Judy and Elroy have managed to scrounge from the vast waste dumps surrounding the now ironically-named Orbit City.

Xpost Kool Keith

Donkey Kong Country as a FromSoft/Soulslike open world

You know how on Scooby Doo, they always run away from the monster even if the monster turns out to be fake every single time? A 'year one' Scooby Doo prequel would be good. From the classic characters, it starts with just Shaggy and Scoob, along with maybe four or five others, who obviously won't make it to the end as the monsters actually catch them and show what happens when they do. Some monsters are real, but not all. Velma, Daphne and Freddie should eventually be introduced along with some friends or relatives who also get killed, so they are also properly traumatized and have good reason to be afraid in all the other series.

An A-Team reboot wherein people actually hit their targets in shootouts & with self-built tanks.

There's a Smurf story wherein Papa Smurf wants to organize the dance of the 100 Smurfs and is one Smurf short. It's solved in the story by Vanity Smurf accidentally cloning himself when his mirror is struck by lightning. But this story leads me to wonder if and how the Smurfs normally keep their population to exactly one hundred. These details need to be explored!

there is already a scooby doo film which is them becoming the scooby gang. not sure about all the deaths though.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1258157/?ref_=ttls_li_tt

Scooby-Doo! The Mystery Begins (2009)

thankful it wasn't called Rise of the Scoobs or some shit like that

I'm pretty sure that dark, gritty comic book versions exist

There’s also real-life, in-continuity Smurf book Le Schtroumpfissime/King Smurf, where Brainy becomes a fascist dictator when Papa Smurf goes on holiday, and Jokey Smurf leads an insurgent bombing campaign

Then iirc Jokey Smurf gets sentenced to death

wow

The latest Scooby Doo series with Mindy Kaling as the eponymous "Velma" is a prequel where the characters are not yet a gang, popular girls at the school are graphically lobotmized, Velma suffers from anxiety attacks which manifest as insane visions, and Scooby isn't even in it. Neither is the Mystery Machine. It's not as bad as it sounds.

There’s also real-life, in-continuity Smurf book Le Schtroumpfissime/King Smurf, where Brainy becomes a fascist dictator when Papa Smurf goes on holiday, and Jokey Smurf leads an insurgent bombing campaign

You are describing the gritty reboot version of it, but you're close. Brainy becomes King Smurf in the cartoon, not in the book (which is called 'De Smurfführer' in Dutch!). Papa Smurf needs to go away to find a special herb for his experiments. The other Smurfs get into arguments and decide that they need someone in charge, however since everybody wants to be the one in charge they go for elections. One Smurf discovers that he can get his fellow Smurfs on his side by making them promises that greatly appeal to them - promises which he may not even intend to uphold. Brainy expects to be elected but only gets one accidental vote besides his own. Once elected, the King goes on a power trip, Hefty wants to beat him up but the King appoints him leader of the guard which facilitates his dictatorship. Jokey pulls his typical exploding package prank on the King and gets thrown in jail. A rebellion is formed and frees Jokey, Brainy is jailed instead and expects to be similarly rescued but nobody cares. The rebels retreat to the forest. Raids from the King fails. The King reinforces the village and the rebels attack it in an all-out civil war. Then Papa returns, everyone's ashamed, the King picks up a broom to start cleaning up the mess but the others tell him that they like him and the fault is not his, but everybody's, and everything's well again.

I repeatedly read all of the Peyo Smurf books to my daughter a couple of years ago so I'm well-versed. The above story is a very good one, but does seem to take forever. I prefer the one wherein they have a civil war because the north and south sides of the village have different takes on compound nouns, ie 'Corksmurf' versus 'Smurfscrew'.
The notorious first story, 'the Black Smurfs', features Smurfs getting stung by a certain mosquito and turning into zombie-like creatures. It's not bad but the chosen colour makes it somewhat problematic. For the cartoon version they understandably went with 'the Purple Smurfs'.
Far more problematic is the Smurfette story, which has Gargamel create Smurfette by infusing blue clay with a shitload of annoying personality features, and this is then the only female character. Ah, here it is: https://www.lambiek.net/artists/image/p/peyo/peyo_smurfin.jpg

Wow.. who hurt you bud?

Lol, thanks for correcting my precis. It's such a good book, and it really works on both levels -- as a colorful adventure for a six-year-old who likes Smurfs, and as a dark parable for adults (or teenagers who've read their first Orwell)

Brainy's misapprehension that he's going to be rescued by a grateful public is totally classic

Holy for shit, I forgot there was an A Team movie with Liam Neeson. Doubt it was dark and gritty, but I bet it was grim.

I quite liked that A-Team movie. It has an amazing over-the-top scene where they crash land a tank from a plane into a lake.
Parts of it work less well. There is a strong focus on the development of Faceman from an impulsive screwup to a controlled reliance and that means the ultimately, the main plan comes from him and not from Hannibal - who should really be the devious mastermind. Also, there's a whole thing about B.A. turning non-violent and then having a moment where he 'comes back' from that mindset in a very brutal manner. But overall, I would have liked to see more of this incarnation of the team.

But this story leads me to wonder if and how the Smurfs normally keep their population to exactly one hundred.

Soylent Blue

When Jay Leno was set on fire by one of his cars, I immediately thought of a Cars reboot set in a vintage car collection where the cars - tired, corroded with rust, and riddled with metal fatigue - see their owner as a demonic zombie master who totally against their wishes for eternal sleep, keeps them alive and running. Eventually, they turn on him.

a man, meek and down on his luck, is at the end of his rope. as he hitchhikes at one last ditch effort to start over again, he keels over in pain as he hears a ringing in his ear. it gives way to a piercing voice that speaks only one word at a time. "Hope". "Peace". "Salvation".

Soon, coordinates are beamed to his phone, and he goes on a long, arduous mission to meet the source of the voice in his head. he faces death many times, and by the end of the movie he reaches his destination. he finds a glowing light and as he draws near he falls to his knees upon what he sees:

Hologram George Burns. the film goes to black and the film's title appears for the first and only time

"Oh, God! Book One"

Andy Griffith - the last factory in Mayberry just shuttered, everyone in Mayberry is hooked on pills, Barney is a dirty cop who got kicked off the force in a big city.

lotr but its a kitchen sink epic ending in the senseless death of our antihero, an orc who never had a chance

andy serkis' ai gimp face plays everyone and peter jackson's nephew scripts

the youngest Tweenie, Jake -- Christlike and saintly in his virtue and patience, but sheltered -- attends his monastery with his visiting family. the oldest Tweenie, Bella -- kind-hearted but brash; often inconsiderate; drawn to vices -- is in a fiduciary dispute with the father of the Tweenies, the wretched avatar of the petit bourgeoi ands philandering sensualist prone to lashing out and wont to forget he has offspring in the first place. the intellectual atheist Tweenie, Fizz, enrages and confuses the monks via lengthy and deliberately contradictory monologues on the role of the state revealing a slight disdain for their traditions, but which in turn secretly reveals the deep internal conflict within Fizz, who finds herself unsure of her own identity, the unsolvable question of free will, and the forces to which she is beholden. the unsuspected, oft-forgot bastard child Milo waits in the wings. all of which is prefaced by an opening chapter noting that their father is most known for the grisly manner of his demise and the lengthy trial to determine its happenstance

xp - I've looked for something like that before, just like a Raymond Carver story about an alcoholic tavern keeper or Normal People coming of age thing but the background world is high fantasy.

An RPG that actually follows the life-cycle of a character, whereby your skills increase with experience but your stats decrease over time, and the last quarter of the game finds your character having to accomplish the final goals of the quest as an elderly invalid

Hip points

there's a lovely game called Zanki Zero that kind of does this