Most pooterish Adrian Chiles column

"You’re never too old to climb a tree – and I should know." just for the mental imagery of it.

I feel like the existence of this kind of column was just about plausible in the days of physical newspapers, flicking through the g2 section while half-awake during your morning commute, but it seems so bizarre in the context of the guardian website - who on earth is reading these headlines and then actively clicking through for the article?

https://pbs.twimg.com/tweet_video_thumb/C8hjZTXXkAAKHtt.jpg

https://pbs.twimg.com/tweet_video_thumb/C8hjZTXXkAAKHtt.jpg

Lockdown has slowed me down. So why can't I spare two minutes to clean my teeth?

Yeah, that's the one I went for.

He's said to be in a relationship with Katharine Viner, editor of The Guardian, which might explain the column inches.

Could sitting in a salt cave cure my nasal congestion?

xp

oo-er missus fnnarr fnnarr!

smh at

It doesn't matter how clever you are - talk for more than a minute and you've lost me.

this man's job is to interview people on tv and radio!

I mean the dartboard one defies expansion so i went for that

Torn between I've started listening to my friends' music recommendations – shame no one's asked for mine and I don't want to have a barbecue. Not even a lockdown one.

Which is worse: letting Adrian Chiles write the paper vs letting MI5 write the paper

These are like the opposite of clickbait, so mundane you couldn't possibly want to know more than what the headline makes obvious. Video games aren't satisfying if you're not good at playing video games. Who would've thunk it? Dartboards aren't that much fun if you're not good at throwing darts. Let's read the entire column and learn why...

When the curiosity gap becomes an unfathomably vast chasm

he might be a secret MI5 operative, like when he climbs a tree he's not looking for conkers he's spying on Aaron Bastani or something.

Chapter Seven: In which my obsession with West Browmich Albion goes too far!

https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1811189628/pooter_400x400.jpg

These are all works of art in their own right, but I can’t ever look at the teeth cleaning one without laughing (100% success rate), so that.

I find that one actually touches on something vaguely interesting about the mind

Very very difficult choice, but it’s the dishwasher one for me.

We did a charity baking competition at my old work and Chiles came to help with judging and he brought Lee Dixon with him (uninvited). Can’t believe he hasn’t written about it yet.

We did a charity baking competition at my old work and Chiles came to help with judging and he brought Lee Dixon with him (uninvited).

Would 100% vote for this.

I feel like the existence of this kind of column was just about plausible in the days of physical newspapers, flicking through the g2 section while half-awake during your morning commute,

Physical G2 still exists and has to be filled!

if chiles wrote every non-guest column in that paper it would be an improvement

has it really been more than a year since he didn't want brits to have to resort to fanny?

i was thinking about the impossible platonic perfection of our Adrian's blokeishness only this morning when i heard him on the radio for a minute, and can only conclude that somehow, in some sense, he has become a bit, destroyer of worlds

He wont end well

he's already beyond ending, he's the universal unconscious

These all each perfectly map to an "and thats ok/and heres why" entry

Chilesbot grows

It's gotta be 'My idea of happiness? A strimmer and a bramble-choked path.' One for the Real England thread.

My first drive in an electric car was going swimmingly - my dad would be world champion.
I'm glad to be back in church - and I should know.
The perfect vegan sausages from a dry mix - is it because they are unpronounceable?
You’re never too old to climb a tree - And all it took was wire wool and elbow grease.
The secret of my hard-won mindfulness - And all it took was wire wool and elbow grease.
I'm pruning and planting, but one gardening mystery remains - grow a lemon tree.
It doesn't matter how clever you are - but printers I hate from the bottom of my heart.
I've decided what to do with the rest of my life - grow a lemon tree.
I've started listening to my friends' music recommendations - A bargain bag of beauty.
I panic-bought a dartboard - even if there's hand sanitiser instead of holy water.
You’re never too old to climb a tree - So why can't I spare two minutes to clean my teeth?
I have finally mastered the dark art of sourdough baking - I found it in a chore I used to hate.
Searching for solace in lockdown - luckily I've discovered the perfect bread-free sandwich.
With the kids locked down and not on the town - is it because they are unpronounceable?
Seven weeks in - A bargain bag of beauty.
It doesn't matter how clever you are - A strimmer and a bramble-choked path.
Never mind machines getting cleverer - what other meat-free joys of the 70s did I miss?
Searching for solace in lockdown - Here's how to do it.
What will I do when travel restrictions lift - until the warning light flashed.
My first drive in an electric car was going swimmingly - but printers I hate from the bottom of my heart.
Lockdown has slowed me down - but in an SUV I am treated like a pariah.
Searching for solace in lockdown - but lockdown has made my life much simpler.
I am the world's nicest driver - And all it took was wire wool and elbow grease.

make your own here:

https://codepen.io/ledgr/full/rNWreeM

Hooray, football is starting again! But hang on - turns out I am a shockingly mediocre player.

Ah looks like a Ross Barkley one got in there by mistake

omg ledge

Dishwasher Dad all day long for me, Clive

Chileswriter is oddly addictive, thanx ledge.

It makes a handy display name generator.

I'm pruning and planting, but one gardening mystery remains - luckily I've discovered the perfect bread-free sandwich.

What is it like to be a Adrian Chiles

Looool

One must imagine Adrian Chiles happy

lol

another vote for the dishwasher here

he should post on ILM
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EVrYsq1XYAIFYyc?format=png&name=small

flashback to when some of us had a silent track called AAA by aaaa on our ipods.

A Toby jug full of piss - Stewart Lee

I've beefed up the chileswriter with graphics and all new genuine Chiles content.

Huge

You see, the lockdown has its good points.

"Croatia has enchanting words for genitalia. Shame no one's asked for mine."

So many quotable though.

It doesn't matter how clever you are - That’s why I love Birmingham

The mere mention of some of the people on this podcast will make some people spontaneously combust but, there's no doubt about it, Adrian Chiles gives a great interview: https://www.anotherslice.com/quicklykevin/dc181a49-e557-4e4b-8e13-706976ce6632

(It's the Quickly Kevin 90s football podcast. Chiles is on to talk about West Brom obviously, but he talks a lot about his time hosting BBC/ITV football coverage.)

Quick let's do ten incredible and super-British Adrian Chiles columns in a row

one pic.twitter.com/wtOvto1bBP

— BUM CHILLUPS AKA SPENCER HALL (@edsbs) June 15, 2023

the most beautiful phrase in the English language is not "cellar door" it's "I panic-bought a dart board"

Some even need to be seen in context to be even funnierhttps://t.co/FgddxIiAG0

— The 984 (@The_984) June 15, 2023

That's easily the best column, you don't even need to read it.

You don’t need to read any of them, that would be doing it wrong

Ok Chile's has competition

I'm not sure what the Daily Mail thought they were getting for their six-figure Boris Johnson column, but I doubt 1,000 rambling words on why he took appetite suppressants for a bit, but gave them up after they made him feel a bit sick, was it. pic.twitter.com/naN1B3q4yy

— Adam Bienkov (@AdamBienkov) June 16, 2023

I want the follow-up where he tries meth instead.

Ha, my first thought when reading Johnson's column (yes, I went there) was "he's no Adrian Chiles". It's surprisingly poorly executed, and does nothing for his alleged reputation as an eloquent and witty columnist.

I had a torrid time with some pitiful, dried-out geraniums
on a three-for-£5 offer.
They just wouldn’t scan.
I got them for nothing in the end,
but they all died anyway.

https://www.theguardian.com/business/commentisfree/2023/aug/02/want-a-glimpse-of-dystopia-visit-the-self-service-checkouts

he's our Larkin

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/aug/30/have-i-told-you-about-the-time-i-split-my-trousers

Haven't read beyond the headline because I don't need to, and neither do you

i'll wait for have-i-told-you-about-the-time-i-shat-meself

This is actually very well done

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/nov/02/the-left-lane-on-a-motorway-is-for-the-virtuous-and-the-good-thats-why-i-love-it

Sublime

When the dog shook its head I lost it

ITV Sport Presenter Adrian Chiles eats a banana during the second half of the FIFA World Cup Qualifier - Group H - Ukraine v England (2013) pic.twitter.com/29yzrJ6OGJ

— Great British Getty Images (@shitbritishpics) January 14, 2024

Actually felt quite emotional after reading this.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2024/feb/14/i-was-injured-miserable-and-lost-then-steve-wright-saved-me

And even more so reading this. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2024/mar/20/ive-spent-a-lifetime-dreading-the-loss-of-a-parent-and-now-its-finally-happened

My god

that was very moving.

A stunning piece. My wife's father passed two years ago, this story matches that one in many ways.

i think its all the better because there's still the odd hint of pooterishness

It'll be a bit jarring when next week he's back to how he folds his underpants or whatever...

that's kind of life though isn't it? you suffer some tragedy but the laundry still has to be done

That's a terrific articulation. My dad died at the same age as Chiles' father when I was in my late 40s, and this all seems tremendously familiar to me.

jfc, no-one will be calling this stunning

https://www.theguardian.com/world/article/2024/jun/12/i-feel-squeamish-talking-to-germans-about-the-war-is-it-a-british-thing

not chiles but this one pops into my head every time i see this thread

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/sep/05/wasps-stung-me-in-the-testicles-but-i-love-them-anyway

More good balls content from 2015

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/may/23/sexual-desirability-balls-afterthought

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2025/jan/29/i-have-lost-all-faith-in-zips

maybe he can ask his partner for a payrise or a few more articles per week

there are stalls in shepherd's bush market that can fix his zip for a fiver

I just bought a key for bleeding radiators. I might suggest an article.

I read that as "I just bought a key, for bleedin' radiators", and that confused me. Why the random swearing?

And then it dawned on me that it was literally for bleeding radiators. Carry on.

Another classic from the great man. Scatter cushions and bedspreads – can someone explain to me what they’re for?

I basically agree but I still resent him getting paid for this shit.

Every night I hurl them off the bed. Every morning they are replaced. Off, on, off, on, for ever. Serving no purpose whatsoever.

cmon this is some deep philosophy, history will regard him as the Samuel Beckett of our age

I agree with what he says, but I think will attack with my life his right to say it.

Never forget, Chi-Lo has a urinal in his flat. A urinal with a West Brom badge above it. He's a ruddy, bloody bloke. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/apr/21/urinal-in-my-flat-changed-my-life-so-why-are-people-appalled

Fully plumbed in, like.

Unbelievable weird

I'd pay anyone to be that weird. But it would be like, 50p.

Picturing Chiles insistently telling an amazon delivery driver "come on in it's ok, I've got a urinal and everything"

I knew everyone would hate my mustard shorts. That didn’t stop me buying them
Adrian Chiles

Picturing Chiles insistently telling an amazon delivery driver "come on in it's ok, I've got a urinal and everything"

― a ZX spectrum is haunting Europe (Daniel_Rf), Friday, 21 March 2025 10:00 (two months ago) bookmarkflaglink

You saw his cameo spot on "Sex lives of the Potato Men", yeah?

he discovers that everyone is an edgelord in his new column; it is a new low.

He has another one today talking about a pair of shorts. How much money is he raking in for this total shit?

Not that much tbh. About £25k a year last I heard.

I guess still feels a lot relative to the content being provided, but then a lot of people probably love it.

Because what started as an opinion they only conceived in order to shock may, like Tolkien’s ring, overwhelm them. It will become their truth, and the edgelord will turn into Gollum.

I knew it, Gollum was just trolling for attention the whole time.