Tired Cliches in Police/Military Procedural TV Shows

Basically, if you or I signed on to show-run one of these things, plots we should never pursue:

1. A mysterious adversary somehow has a lot of personal information about all the team members and acts to use it against them somehow. Oh no! Oh shit! How will they persevere?

2. The old, grizzled veteran has left the force and is living "off the grid" in the woods. The team has to retrieve him for the case. He refuses to go, but then shows up to save someone's ass.

3. During a nighttime stakeout in a car, the rookie brings burgers and cold coffee for the veteran detective, who eats antacid tablets like candy

4. The Chief Medical Examiner is a mild-mannered sort with a quirky sense of humor.

5. Thirty years ago, a local girl went missing in an ominous forest on the outskirts of town - there were a few suspects, but she's never been found. Or has she?

6. a suspect begins to confess, and a lawyer yells "DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD!"

7. The assailant on the run heads into a darkened warehouse.

8. Cop seems to be corrupt but is in fact only pretending to be corrupt in order to lure the villain out.

9. Someone says "I'm gettin' too old for this shit."

10. Cop tries to fuck the defendant

11. he was only 2 days away from retirement

12. He then fucks the plaintiff

13. prosecutor fucks the defendant

Latin-American revolutionary cel is undone because their leader is too macho (hot-headed, bossy).

*this is mainly in shows from the 1968-1975 period

15. Detective solves entire case during Deus ex machina "Eureka!" moment

16. Cops commit unlawful search because "there's no time to get a warrant."

17. Chief/boss/leader has a bottle of whiskey stashed in his desk that he either pulls out at the end of the case or when he needs to commiserate and pass on bad news.

18. The bartender didn’t see anyone or anything and is super annoyed you are even asking because he’s trying to dry some glasses right now

19. Morgue assistant has to put down the sloppy sandwich he’s eating in order to show the police detective the corpse of the victim

20. "Blood spatter."

21. Waiting for results from the GC mass spectrometer.

The trace results are consistent with... paint thinner.

So I guess we should go back and re-interview that ostensible "innocent bystander" who just happens to work as a painting contractor.

22. Captain loses his cool during questioning of the suspect, stands up, pounds the table and shouts at the suspect that he's in a world of trouble.

23. Feds, or some other level of cops, show up to the crime scene, say, “OK, we’ll take it from here,” an argument ensues, the two kinds of cops find they ultimately need each other, grudgingly work the case together, have a celebratory drink after solving the case, freeze-frame on group laughter to end the episode.

24. male cop is divorced because he's seen too much and just can't leave his work at the office

25. Female DI wins her male colleagues' grudging respect only by being smarter and working harder than all of them.

26. Cops can easily transfer back and forth between jurisdictions like baseball players or soccer players on loan to another team.
E.g: San Diego’s top ninja cop comes to LA to help solve a case, it is not clear by whom he is actually employed.

27. Grizzled old detective has a quirky hobby like making matchstick models of the Whitehouse or old jazz 78s.

Or matchstick models of covers of Whitehouse (the group or the magazine)

28. friend/relative of detective prime suspect in murder, detective told to steer clear of case. investigates anyway

29. You’ve got 12/24/48 hours. We need results.

29 cont. Pesky regulations/laws hinder our hero from apprehending the suspect/achieving pure fascism.

30. Kid from neighborhood brings in nugget of information on bad things going down to detective that helped his family, only later to be found dead.

31. Chase scene/shootout running up and down gantrys and precarious warehouse walkways. This one can apply to either cop or military shows.

32. Cops enter through the front door of a residence.

Suspect flees out the back. Fire escape, bathroom window, or a back door that leads to a convenient alley.

Cops are somehow unprepared for this possibility, perhaps because it has only happened EVERY FUCKING TIME THE DO THIS.

And then they chase after the suspect while wearing suits and dress shoes.

33. someone is shot; partner yells ‘stay with me’

34. The maverick agent has no time or patience for legal niceties when thousands of lives are on the line and proceeds to extract the information from the suspect through use of threats/intimidation/electric shock to the nuts.

35. Cop fucks the DA

36. Scared hostage, usually stuck-up Alan Ruck type, pees down trousers for laffs

in every cop show ever, my friends

37. Captain has some dark secrets related to where they served 10-20 years prior that lead others to question/argue about Captain's integrity

38. a perp draws on a cop, there is a moment of tension, and then BLAM! the cop is shot stone dead the cop's partner has in fact arrived on the scene and shot the perp stone dead at the last possible moment

39. richard belzer appears, essaying the role of john munch

40. A cop that is distraught over the death of his partner actually was behind their death

41. You don't have jurisdiction here.

42. OOOOOOOBJECTION!
OVERRULED!

43. "Why isn't he here? He's our star witness!"

...the cop's partner has in fact arrived on the scene and shot the perp stone dead at the last possible moment

Perp drops out a frame, revealing partner with gun drawn. Bonus points if there's a focus pull.

44. Endearingly nerdy computer expert in a parked van

45. Once main characters have just finished stopping the "bad guy" they relax and exchange final remarks - cue sound of approaching police sirens in the distance.

46. This is a relatively new one, but man, it's fucking EVERYWHERE: "Look out! Fentanyl! Don't let it out into the air or everyone in a five-block radius will overdose and die!"

fucken lmaooooo https://t.co/COHu4V9jUg pic.twitter.com/4Zc9AgzIUs

— Siobhán Casey 🐀 (@PolygonalShivs) December 11, 2022

44. Endearingly nerdy computer expert in a parked van

― Cirque de Soleil Moon Frye (Ye Mad Puffin), Sunday, December 11, 2022 5:30 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

44a. Endearingly nerdy computer expert explains something to grizzled old veteran cop who says, "Give it to me in English!"

753. Complex computer system hacked in three minutes with what looks like Microsoft Windows applications

46. Creepy outsider guy that everybody initially thinks is the girl's killer is not actually her killer

Fentanyl one is a nu-classic, I saw it awhile back in a Bosch episode when a cop opened up a box that had fentanyl and she dropped unconscious and Paul Calderon was like “everyone run!”

47. Weary-sounding cop is woken at 4:00 AM by the phone. "Yeah. Aw shit. OK, be right there." Partner barely stirs in bed as cop lifts themselves out of bed and pulls on a pair of pants that have been sitting on the floor.

47. Vicious killer winds up having info on a bigger fish and the DA cuts a deal behind the cops’ backs. “We’re cutting him loose.” “What? He killed those twelve women!” “He’s giving us Sanchez!”

Episode will end with grief stricken relative of victim gunning the killer down. Or maybe killing himself/herself.

(48)

49. Sleazy informant can always be found at a run down dive bar in Chinatown

50. Jessica Fletcher.

51. An actor that played a completely different character two years ago is back as someone else and you're expected to accept it

52. Sleazy defense attorney points out obvious breach of protocol, suspect smiles across the courtroom at the detective while the bailiff removes his handcuffs and he's free to go

51. An actor that played a completely different character two years ago is back as someone else and you're expected to accept it

Dick Wolf is great for this — that guy who was a child molester in one episode three years ago? Yeah, he's one of the cops now.

53. Assistant DA: "That's too thin to write a warrant on."

54. Thorough strap down, check out, load up of various guns and weaponry in front of a wall of various weapons in an armory before heading out to the big showdown. Be sure to put small pistol and or dagger into boot.

fwiw: in every cop show ever

https://tv-fanatic-res.cloudinary.com/iu/s--T4RVXIHp--/f_auto,q_auto/v1648248431/hondo-blue-steel-swat-s5e15

Hondo approves of this thread.

55. bathrooms don't exist

56. Detective actually tastes the dope to confirm it's pure horse (pre-fentanyl, obv)

57. Will-They-Or-Won't-They parts 1-75. Maybe it's the gruff detective and the brainy lab tech. Maybe it's the ambitious supervisor and the smarmy defense attorney. Maybe it's the hot forensic specialist and the slightly unhinged door-kicker. Maybe it's the two smartest women in the room.

We will waste at least a whole season on this.

They will try not to fraternize, because, y'know, complications. Regulations. Protocol.

But then there's that one stressful night on a tense stakeout. A bottle of wine gets opened.

Cut to rumpled sheets, a cell phone ringing. "Ugh, sorry, I have to take this." Dressing hastily.

The two participants have to try to arrive separately and hide their mussed state. Someone is wearing yesterday's outfit and the people in the squad room (or whatever) pretend not to notice.

I am not a cop or a troop or a fan of either, but these shows are total puffin-nip. You can engage with them episodically, or not. You can follow character arcs... or not. You can get exactly as engaged as you want, and exactly as disengaged as you want.

And here's the main thing: You will never run out. You physically cannot watch all of them - because they keep making more. In the time you spend watching all of CSI:NCIS:ICE-T:L&O:SEALS:FBI:BAU:LLCOOLJAG, they will have made more. Whole entire serieses have come and gone without my knowing, and yet the streaming devices can serve me up new copaganda bullshit with a slight caress of the remote. They require zero investment to watch and I can just put one on while doing laundry or crossword puzzles or whatever.

Netflix totally has me pegged with the Euro procedurals - "Look Andy, here's a new show about a missing girl and a slightly unhinged detective who doesn't play by the book.. but this one's in Iceland!!"

Lol

58. Detective needs to interview a convict in prison because they might have information pertinent to the current case. Police chief/partner/everyone expresses doubt about interview's success because the detective "was the one who sent him there"

59. Every cop acts/looks like the weight of the world's sins is grinding them into exhaustion, rather than they mostly process paperwork.

60. Cops regard journalists as bottom-feeding scum, though still toss back shots with one at the end of the day when passing on a tip. Often accompanied by letting their hard-ass mask slip as they reveal how haunted they are by a current or past case.

61. Off-duty cop on a barstool, shooting the breeze with the quirky female bartender he knows all too well. The bartender is clearly attracted to the mixture of heft, presence and existential pain.

i love all 61 of these cliches

cop is shot, police chief comes out of room minutes after the cop is admitted, and tells concerned police "looks like he's gonna pull through", guaranteeing the cop will make a full recovery with no complication and no further worry or visits required.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNCYpAmsySw

63. Police run down and ultimately dismiss one possible suspect after another, each with some plausible motive and/or shady connection to the crime in question. In the end, the guilty party turns out to be someone who was never previously a suspect because the perps reasons for criming are very murky/borderline nonexistent but, hey, they were the last tertiary character left who isn't a child or a dog so whattayagonnado.

Saw a cliché subverted, or at least sidestepped, tonight — two cops are interrogating a collegiate drug dealer when one suddenly collapses. I was sure they were gonna do an "Oh no! Fentanyl!" but it turned out he had a stroke (thus making room for a different cliché, the male and female detectives who misguidedly slept together once being re-partnered).

Addendum to 23: the Feds show up and are incompetent, borderline maliciously inept. Show finishes with lead cop, who has a particular emotional involvement with the case, punching out the lead Fed agent.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dK0Hbf5rEY

Can we talk about the cliched way crime dramas are promoted all over the world? This is a brief selection from the drama site on Channel 4's website - there's dozens of the bastards! The thing is they're from all over Europe (and beyond) but they're so interchangeable it's impossible to tell where they're from (unless you see the title). Miserable people standing around, sometimes at angles to one another, sometimes back to back; arms crossed or hands in pockets etc; usually staring grimly at the camera but, occasionally, in different directions. Also forests seem to be a popular backdrop.

https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BYWY2NDllZjQtMTA3ZC00NWVmLTk0NGMtMzgxODllZWM0YTZiXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMjMyMzI4MzY@._V1_.jpg

https://m.media-amazon.com/images/S/pv-target-images/0631242b79d9b7c471807b35168dfd5cc6e145c9fb21bff8d65b2633fd0e8a24.jpg

https://image.pbs.org/contentchannels/0UDLeVb-show-poster2x3-Gxq9utQ.jpg

https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BZDFjZDMxOGQtZjZiYi00ZDhhLWE2Y2MtZWM1Y2NlNGM5MTA5XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyODc5Mjc4Nzg@._V1_.jpg

https://resizing.flixster.com/-XZAfHZM39UwaGJIFWKAE8fS0ak=/v3/t/assets/p15825940_b_v9_ai.jpg

https://vodzilla.co/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/stockholm-requiem.jpg

https://is1-ssl.mzstatic.com/image/thumb/MQKs4fVqbuYFIfgxETpOQw/1200x675.jpg

https://images.aftonbladet-cdn.se/v2/images/8867571b-a005-4c1a-a2f1-c9a040f01847?fit=crop&format=auto&h=990&q=50&w=1500&s=e4ce5c9d0ac04f865e7e2c0d22d5695dcc9a9771

https://ic.c4assets.com/brands/before-we-die/e8b9e45a-b1a0-4f2a-9b26-5f06a3c21ad1.jpg

https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BYWJiM2YwMmItMDE2OS00MGFkLThjZTItNGY1MjdkOTA0NmYxXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMjI1Mjk5MQ@@._V1_.jpg

Some more:

https://static.tvmaze.com/uploads/images/original_untouched/299/748211.jpg

https://ic.c4assets.com/brands/no-offence/68ce54fd-b072-4595-bec5-11e6500f8343.jpg

https://ic.c4assets.com/brands/nordic-murders/ff467e27-78b1-4daf-ae8a-93f9c8e59635.jpg

https://image.pbs.org/contentchannels/syLtHoT-show-mezzanine16x9-rTxODf1.jpg

I remember seeing a tweet with a recent publicity photo of New Order done in that style with a caption about the new Manchester-set cop show "Blue Mondays".

64. “bad cop” in the interrogation room becomes enraged at suspect’s smug self-possession and goes off the rails emotionally, throwing things around; “good cop” says their name to get them to stop; they don’t stop; name is said again but more loudly; finally “good cop” pulls the loose cannon aside and the next scene is the cops conferring on the other side of the one-way mirror, possibly with a superior

LOL the latest L&O: orgainsed crime that aired this week did a ridic "omg fentanyl!" scene. Literally they had Jet the hacker girl lean into the cabin of a truck that transported a fent lab, for like 5 mins tops, and next min she is falling all over the place fainting. Ugh. The propaganda.