C or D: Being the "responsible one"

This can mean different things in different contexts, and I know that few people are the "responsible one" in all areas of life. But it's prompted by me and my wife both kind of ending up in that position in various personal and professional ways — within our own families, within our jobs, etc.

What I mean by it is realizing that you're basically the one that some set of responsibilities/obligations is going to fall on, because you're the most likely to be able to handle them without messing things up/having a breakdown/whatever.

I find that I prefer it in a lot of ways, in the sense of "At least I'll know it gets done right." But also obviously it can be sort of exhausting and a drag. There's plenty of stuff I'd be happy for someone else to handle, but in a lot of cases I don't have good options for that. And also I feel like a key part of being the responsible one is not complaining about being the responsible one, since part of what makes you the responsible one is being will to accept whatever the burden is without a lot of whining or resentment.

I don't know, this has just been a really exhausting month on multiple fronts and I'm feeling it. I'd love to go spend a month on an island somewhere and not think about any of the things I'm currently juggling. But I can't, and also I do want to actually do these things, I know I can handle them. It's just been a lot all at once.

... being willing, I mean

Nothing at all wrong with being responsible. As I aged I learned to embrace it. However, being the responsible one necessarily entails having no one else to share with. Most responsibilities are divisible into separate smaller domains and imo, parceling out responsibilities among those who stand to benefit from a required set of tasks is almost always preferable to going it alone.

also I feel like a key part of being the responsible one is not complaining about being the responsible one, since part of what makes you the responsible one is being will to accept whatever the burden is without a lot of whining or resentment.

disagree with this as a blanket statement

I fucking hate it. I don't care if it's "done right", particularly since a lot of times being "responsible" means being held to impossible standards and blamed for not meeting them. Fuck that. Let somebody else try and fail. I'd rather live with the consequences of their failure than be saddled with a bunch of other people's bullshit.

Also, for some reason, people keep thinking that I'm able to handle things without having a breakdown? Or maybe they just figure everybody else is more fucked up than I am. Even if that's true, I don't care. If I'm the only one who can make something work, then it deserves to fail.

being the responsible one because your standards are the highest within a range if itherwise acceptable outcomes- you dont get to whinge

being the responsible one for a required task by default- you get to whinge

its contextual

I agree with all of these statements! Obviously I don't really believe in not whining at all about it since this thread is to some degree whining about it. Just out of sight of the actual people/situations involved. Most of what we're dealing with right now is stuff that we understand very well why we're the ones dealing with, and honestly I'd rather be the ones sort of grounded enough to handle things than in the less stable positions some other folks are in who just can't.

But boy howdy I'm worn out.

I'm always interested in the effect of birth order on this mindset. I'm the oldest of three, and while I don't think I'm any more responsible than my brother and sister, I do think I'm much more uptight about things.

I can think of very few times in my life - one of the few exceptions I can think of being the management of my dad's estate - where sufficient resources and support were available to achieve a reasonable measure of success in an undertaking I was responsible for.

I'm always interested in the effect of birth order on this mindset. I'm the oldest of three, and while I don't think I'm any more responsible than my brother and sister, I do think I'm much more uptight about things.

― immodesty blaise (jimbeaux)

Oh holy fuck Jim is that ever a can of worms.

I was my parents' oldest. When my dad fled my mom people told 13 year old me, in all seriousness, that I was the "man of the house now". This is not a role I have _ever_ been interested in.

But yeah, birth order. You know, some parents, they assign certain roles to kids depending on the birth order. As the first, I was supposed to be the apple of my parents' eye, the high achiever they could be proud of. I was not into that. I prefer being The Crazy One. Now, in fact, apart from the massive amounts of trauma I'm carrying around, I am _perfectly_ capable of high achievement, but I will burn everything to the ground before I put myself in the role my parents expected of me.

Wow I guess I've had a week.

Perhaps not surprisingly, my dad told me the same thing before he left. I was 17, not 13, which may have made a little bit of difference, but still, holy shit.

My brother, who is two years younger, was perpetually cast in the role of "younger brother." He still says he's not that smart, which is not at all true, and has been unsuccessful at relationships throughout his adult life. Do I think this is purely due to his assigned role in childhood? Of course not, but I often think about what the family dynamic must look like from his perspective. It doesn't help that I was a total dick to him throughout our growing up.

I'm also the oldest of three, which I think plays a significant part of my familial role. But it's also personality and life circumstances in a lot of ways. My wife is the youngest of three, but she's in a similar situation because her older siblings (actually half-siblings, which is all part of the dynamic) are ... less reliable.

That overly simplistic, highly reductive 'man of the house' line got inserted into lots of old school hollywood movies. Parroting it at a child in real life just shows a total lack of awareness.

My dad is the poster child for total lack of awareness, particularly of the feelings of others.

I'm always interested in the effect of birth order on this mindset. I'm the oldest of three, and while I don't think I'm any more responsible than my brother and sister, I do think I'm much more uptight about things.

xps no intent to criticise yr circs or interpretation of them whatsoever tipsy, obv

birth order is a thing that imo demands much more attn than it gets vs other items held to impact ones development, but as far as ive been able to observe ive not as a rule seen it dictate the tendency under discussion once you remove the natural pressures inherent in being older when age actually matters

^ classic middle child opinion

middle children are classic its true

being the responsible one vs being the only one (the only child problem -- i would not wish it on anyone tbh)

within my family I don't like the term because it gives a rigidity to something that's elastic. between my brother and I, if there is a such thing as a 'responsible one', we've both swapped this role throughout our lives.

granted, I've documented my frustrations with my brother over the last few years here, but only one of us wrecked his car driving drunk and on a separate occasion woke up in the hospital after getting alcohol poisoning, and it wasn't him.

trying to get better about seeing things that way

Yeah, for me it's often been more "the one who never had the bad luck to crash or get busted." But I do think I am the most obsessive/neurotic/controlling of the three of us.

being the responsible one vs being the only one (the only child problem -- i would not wish it on anyone tbh)

My mother was the only child of two alcoholics. She's definitely one of the people I have always been able to count on. But, she would wholeheartedly agree with your final sentiment.

Lol my ex was always the 'responsible one'... she'd be "can you check the map again so we don't miss the exit" while I was always like "shit, there's a possum in that tree!"

I knew it really wore on her and definitely contributed to our downfall

But my sister's life is such an out of control trainwreck that makes me look like I really have my shit together (a job, I pay rent on time, dental insurance, some retirement savings, etc.)

My wife and kids all have ADHD and I am the only damn person in the house that keeps an eye on the clock and lord it’s exhausting.

part of the challenge i have re: "responsibility" is this pretty serious divide between how i'm seen within my family and how i'm seen outside my family

within my family (i'm including my ex-wife in this group) the narrative is that i am selfish, lazy, a burden to be borne

outside my family people see me as accomplished, deeply compassionate, and for some reason _heroic_

the cognitive dissonance is a really hard thing for me to navigate

particularly since there's not really anybody reinforcing the former narrative anymore

sorry but i need to post this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQ9GMnZM_f4

I had to attend a corporate meeting this week that required us all to take some kind of personality test that showed us our "strengths," and the consultants were a little freaked out because it seemed like about 80% of our team of 33 people all had the same strengths — intellect, problem solving, strategy, seeking to continually gather information — which makes it highly likely that each of us is going to silo ourselves and work on projects/problems without engaging with anybody else unless absolutely necessary. So that's almost certainly not gonna blow up in dramatic fashion, right?

On the personal front, there's only two of us, and my wife is very responsible for household stuff and I am very responsible for money stuff, paying all the bills etc. Super sexist, I know, but it works because I'm the one who's also constantly juggling about six different deadlines, so it's easier for me to handle shit that comes in via the computer that's already gonna be in my lap from 7 AM to 11 PM every day anyhow.

My brother, who is two years younger, was perpetually cast in the role of "younger brother." He still says he's not that smart, which is not at all true, and has been unsuccessful at relationships throughout his adult life. Do I think this is purely due to his assigned role in childhood? Of course not, but I often think about what the family dynamic must look like from his perspective. It doesn't help that I was a total dick to him throughout our growing up.

― immodesty blaise (jimbeaux)

so my oldest brother is two years younger than me and there's... some certain similarities our past relationship. we just don't talk. there's too much fucked up history between us. i've given up feeling like i need to repair that relationship.

my mother treated my sister like a baby her entire life, hence, taking care of my mom at the end fell largely to me. my sister was also physically incapable of doing it; she is obese and like 4 ft tall so lifting my mom up and getting her on the portapotty was a no go; she managed exactly one day on her own before I had to fly out there. my sister has a learned helplessness from being babied forever and I just had to accept that, but as a result I think I sustained a huge amount of trauma handling my mother's hospice and death on my own so I think being the responsible one kind of sucks.

As an only child, I’m following this discussion with fascination.

(Also it’s just interesting anyway, I’ll have some thoughts to share later)

Age gaps play in to birth order too. I’m second out of 4 but my brother is 9yrs older and moved out when he was 15. My sister is 7yrs younger and my other brother is 10yrs younger. So I was effectively treated like the oldest - I had to babysit, do most of the chores, most of the cooking. There was a lot of expectation that I was the responsible one. Then I left home at 18 and had no idea about the real world because my parents never actually taught me anything about paying bills and managing money, and I turned out to be an extremely irresponsible adult.

otm. I'm the youngest of three but when I was born my brother was 18, my sister was 16 and my dad & mom were 50 and 40. I felt like I grew up among strangers - certainly a family that was emotionally different than the one who got together in the first place. Very short childhood - by 12 I was already raising myself and then moved out for high school. I kinda learned early on that I was a "save the marriage" baby so when that didn't work out I think I carried a lot of that guilt internally for years.

"Can you find out from your brother what his problem is? He won't talk to me anymore"
"Sorry mom, but he's 30 years old and I'm just 12. I think he's having adult problems"

I dunno. I love my dad and am really happy to have had what time I did have with him. I just wasn't equipped as a teenager to take care of him.

This is a very interesting discussion with a lot of factors at play. Agreed on birth order, relative age of parents/siblings, and I would submit economic privilege can play a role (though there is some chicken and egg with that).

I also find that "responsible one" can vary at different points in one's life. I was the oldest of two, I was considered smart, but I was really a huge slacker and minor fuckup. My parents were really strict when I was younger, so I got punished for various minor infractions (spankings with belt, grounding, etc.). I was always clashing with my parents. I had good grades but not anywhere nearly as good as I should have given my capabilities. Funny enough, I was the smart, responsible one out of my friend cohort.
Luckily I never experienced any serious consequences despite some pretty dangerous behavior and really close calls. This trend pretty much continued until I graduated from law school.

My sister on the other hand is 2.5 years younger than me and saw my volatile interactions with my parents and wanted no part in it. She was almost always really well behaved and got much better grades than me. But she had an unconventional streak that I didn't really have - she went to the Peace Corps and then art school while I went to law school. My transgressions/unconventionality were mostly in "safe" areas around drugs and alcohol.

At some point, my and my sister's interactions with our parents flipped. I became more stable and my sister less. This is due at least in part to some of the above life choices and resultant financial freedom as well as personality. I think I still crave parental approval in a way my sister has outgrown. She actually changed her last name a number of years ago, which is a pretty big statement about your family. Anyway, on some level it is easier to stay "responsible" when you have stable employment and relationships than when you are on your third post-graduate degree, though again, there is some chicken and egg there.

she had an unconventional streak that I didn't really have - she went to the Peace Corps and then art school while I went to law school. My transgressions/unconventionality were mostly in "safe" areas around drugs and alcohol.

interesting- id take the opposite view of which transgressions were the safe/conventional etc

I also find that "responsible one" can vary at different points in one's life. I was the oldest of two, I was considered smart, but I was really a huge slacker and minor fuckup. My parents were really strict when I was younger, so I got punished for various minor infractions (spankings with belt, grounding, etc.). I was always clashing with my parents. I had good grades but not anywhere nearly as good as I should have given my capabilities. Funny enough, I was the smart, responsible one out of my friend cohort.
Luckily I never experienced any serious consequences despite some pretty dangerous behavior and really close calls. This trend pretty much continued until I graduated from law school.

I relate to a lot of this (basically, everything but law school — I barely graduated high school, and did three semesters of community college later). My parents split when I was about 10, and my mom was strict but not in a mean/punitive sense but because her stated aim was to get me and my brother (younger by 3 years) whipped into shape so we could and would leave home as soon as possible and live independently. Which we both kinda did — I left at 18, came back a year or two later after some misadventures (moved in with Dad, ran off to live with an eco-militant hippie cult in California, crashed on an aunt's couch for a few months), but was gone again and married at 21, and my brother joined the army straight out of high school and stayed in for 24 years.

hmmm, this is kind of taking me a while to sort through

i've stayed out of the "aging parents" thread because, well, it's something i don't have to directly deal with. when my now-ex and i moved out to portland i had a conversation with my aunt. my aunt had taken care of my grandmother when she couldn't take care of herself. there were a couple of factors there. one was that they weren't in a good financial situation then, and my grandmother helped stabilize that. another was that my grandmother came from a generation that was terrified of going into A Home... back when she was younger it was _not_ a good place to be.

it was a pretty big burden on her and her family, so she was the best person to talk about it. she said that it was _not_ an expectation of me, or of any of her kids, to care for her in her old age. my mom is now in a position where she can't live on her own, so she's living in assisted living. i don't fully know her financial situation, but my understanding is that she's more financially secure than she thinks she is. if there was something that needed my intervention, my aunt, who lives in the same town as my mom, would be able to get in touch with me.

part of the challenge regarding being "responsible" for my mom is that my mom behaved abusively towards her kids. she'd still be behaving that way towards us if we still talked to her, which is why we don't (the exception is the Golden Child who can do no wrong in her eyes). i'm privileged to not _have_ to take care of her. i know a lot of kids do have to take care of their abusive parents. my feeling is that my aunt sort of found herself in that situation with my grandmother.

i guess i was sort of "responsible" for my dad, in that the nursing home called me whenver he mistreated the staff. i felt for them but i was all the way across the country from him, and he didn't actually answer the phone when i called. it's one of the big challenges in caring for older people that doesn't get talked about much... people who aren't able to care for themselves can after be real sonsofbitches, and when you're in a professional capacity there's nothing you can do about it. everybody's on the watch for elder abuse, but it's routine for people caring for older folks to be on the receiving end of some pretty nasty abuse. this is particularly prevalent when the carers are in low-paid positions.

i'm glad that my responsibilities towards my dad were minimal. i'm _very_ glad that my responsibilities towards my mom are minimal.

anyway, this means that me and my siblings don't really have to have the "responsibility" conversation. my dad's dead and his estate is settled. he had basically no belongings to allocate. i don't expect my mom's passing to be one that tears the family apart. i don't expect that we're going to fight much over her possessions. frankly i don't want anything that reminds me of her. me and my siblings all have various forms of severe emotional trauma from the abuse we suffered, but in practical terms we're all able to function reasonably independently. i was always the one who was worst off in those terms. fortunately i'm employed in a professional position which provides me with financial stability and supports me when i take frequent prolonged mental health leaves.

---

in terms of responsibility outside my family... i put myself in a position of responsibility in the local community. community where i'm at is kind of diy - if you want something to happen, you kind of have to do it yourself, so i did. when i talk about not having the support i needed... when you're trans, that's just pretty much standard. there's a joke in the community that "mutual aid" is just passing around the same $20 bill over and over again. i'm one of the more privileged trans people, at least in financial terms. a lot of my friends are homeless. my girlfriend was homeless and crashed on my couch for what turned out to be three months. i was "the responsible one", because i was theoretically in a position to be responsible, but it took a huge emotional and financial toll on me. it _wasn't_ an act of charity - having her in my life has been really helpful to me in a lot of ways and has really sustained me. still, i spent the last two months she was on my couch entirely in bed, not functioning. i couldn't handle the responsibility.

the worse toll is the emotional one. trans people all have a _lot_ of trauma and the resources to handle that trauma just aren't there. when i took a position of responsibility, my goal was to provide a community resource to handle trauma. this was... an unrealistic goal on my part. none of us have the resources for intra-community support. aside from the $20 bill thing, one of the ways trans community gets described a lot is "hurt people hurting each other". in practical terms i'm one of the least qualified people when it comes to providing community care, but nobody else is going to do it. which means that i have to be ok with it not getting done, and with the consequences of those needs going unmet. they're pretty serious needs and pretty serious consequences, and it saddens me that they're not being met. they are, however, _not my responsibility_.

tipsy in the current onslaught can you find space to acknowledge which ones are temporary or not coming your way again, or can you take any steps about sharing the load for the rest

Yeah, one of the biggest apart from family stuff has been a big technical hassle at work that I’m the only one (of the two of us in the company) who can deal with and try to solve. And I only partly know what I’m doing, but anyway it’s on me. It’s been a big pain all month BUT I think I have it fixed for the short-term and have a lead on a permanent fix. So that particular stress is receding.

Let me lay a little more responsibility on you (though you've prob thought of it and maybe even said as much to Ne on the Aging Parents thread): it is important, my son, to let people who expect a lot of you know what your limits are, well before you find yourself crashing or even just erupting in the midst of a task/great expectations---and like Aimless said way upthread, delegate:

Most responsibilities are divisible into separate smaller domains and imo, parceling out responsibilities among those who stand to benefit from a required set of tasks is almost always preferable to going it alone.

In my family (and I think in a lot of families) there's the added fun of being The One Who Stayed. All my brothers went to the UK and I stayed behind, close to where my parents live. That automatically puts me in the responsibility firing line for a lot of small, regular stuff. I (feel like I have to) represent the family at gatherings, or just show up to Sunday dinner every single week. Luckily my parents are still independent - more than independent, I rely on them for a lot of thing still. They take care of all their own medical appointments, shopping, socialising, travel, etc. I don't know how much longer that will go on for. I got a bit of a glimpse of my future when my brother died a couple of years ago and my parents suddenly could not make the simplest decisions or go anywhere without me helping them. For a while I thought "well, this is my life now" as I paid their car tax for them or made appointments online for them because they were completely incapable. But they seem to be coming out of that fog again now, for the moment, anyway.

A few times, I organized family holidays where we could all get together, but I've stopped doing that now. I didn't make any big announcement or anything, I just never suggested it and stopped doing it. There's always one person who contributes nothing but complains about everything and/or doesn't pay their share, and I just got sick of it always being my fault when things weren't perfect. Occasionally there are wistful sighs from other quarters on the WhatsApp group, or little floaty suggestions of "Oh, we should all..." whatever. But I do not take the bait. No thank you.

dead right

represent the family at gatherings

oh yes 💀 this

i think the quiet stepping away is a good move the older i get myself tbh, in many contexts

Some aspects of this idea - as it’s expanded as the thread has gone along - are things I’d talk about here only if I had a screen name that didn’t identify me. And the things I’d feel comfortable about, probably belong in the Aging Parent thread. But I’ll say this: I’m an only child who lives close to his parents - they divorced and married other people long ago - and I’m glad to be nearby. They haven’t needed me to handle things for them but when the time comes, I’m there, and they know it. But: I have good relationships with them (it was bumpy between Mom and I when I was younger, those rifts have since healed).

For most of my life I was the weak one, the fuckup, the person one shouldn't expect much from. The lost lamb who needed to be rescued, the malleable person who expected to be dominated by stronger personalities.

I only became a grownup when I found myself in situations where somebody had to step up, and I was the only person available. Maybe 1994 or so my best friend and my girlfriend were both suicidal and I had to talk them off the ledge.

Professionally I was repeatedly put in a position where someone needed to do things and I was the only candidate. A website? Uh, okay. I've never developed a website but neither has anyone else here, and so I guess I will figure it out.

In my household, same thing. Build bookshelves? Uh, I haven't, but I guess I will figure it out because no one else is going to do it.

Musically? One night my band didn't show up so I guess I have to play solo.

I would never have volunteered for these things, but when I fell into these situations I found out that I could rise to the occasion.

At the same time - and just as importantly - it's also good to recognize NOT being up to a task, and admitting you need help and collaboration. The last few years, I have repeatedly crumpled under pressure and admitted I can't always be The Responsible One.

OMFG can anybody else just handle their own shit responsibly for a little while???

lol sorry, I started this thread to vent and so I'm coming back here to do the same. I'm recovering from the flu or some such thing and barely have the energy to walk to the kitchen but in the meantime having to moderate negotiations among assorted family members, deal with my older son barely passing two classes in his first semester at community college because he doesn't know how to manage his time, handle all social media and customer service for my business because that's stuff my business partner just doesn't know how to do or ever thinks about ...

Ugh.

lol don't worry about it i have a couple of threads that i bump regularly that hardly anybody else posts to

lately i've just been working on trying to be responsible for myself. it fucking sucks. i wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat wondering "when's the last time i flossed?"

i'm not _responsible_ for my girlfriend who's in recovery, but it's... it's a hard negotiation for me to make within myself. yeah i don't have to be responsible and then people i love are hurt and often they're angry, sometimes angry at me, and i just choose to radically accept that.

it's nice days like today when she comes over, though, and just her being over working helps me to get done... enough of this shit that i can live with the amount of time i spend just being there for her while she goes through her shit. it does take a lot. being there for someone without fixing things for them.

Yeah for sure. And it’s necessary work too, that kind of support. In general I’m good with being like, “It’s fine, I can handle this.” But there are times where I’m like, I am moving to Mexico and changing my name, you all figure it out.

the feeling of "if I switch off for one second, a bunch of irreversible, massively-destructive events will happen" is a pretty draining thing, for sure

Today I had another productive “apply solutions to other people’s problems to your own problems” episode. It involved buying a utility cart that does well with stairs. There definitely is an aspect of “self worth determined by being useful to others” thing going on… lots of mini breakdowns.

It’s classic in that I am fairly self-sufficient. It sucks that I just want to isolate and hibernate sometimes and wish people could just give me a mf break and not make stupid decisions

the feeling of "if I switch off for one second, a bunch of irreversible, massively-destructive events will happen" is a pretty draining thing, for sure

Yes otm to both of the above posts.

1000% sarahell

The problem is, many people can't make decisions that are not stupid.

that mindset is actually how I built my career, tbh. that paranoia of having to be 'the guy' that does things or shit will go haywire, which caused me to become an expert on just about everything and thus indispensible. but also made me a project manager who struggled with delegating.

I've only slowly let go of [some of] that.

martyrdom c/d

xpost lol i've had to become a project manager again w/ my mother

martyrdom c/d

It's a floor wax and a dessert topping.

That's the sad thing, I fuckin' love delegating or sharing the loads, when there are people there ready and able to do it. I am not in any way a responsibility hoarder. The couple of times I've been the boss or manager of a team of people, I've handed off pretty much anything anyone asked for, and also things they didn't. Just happen to be in a personal/professional nexus right now where stuff is defaulting to me because nobody else is equipped for it.

that mindset is actually how I built my career, tbh. that paranoia of having to be 'the guy' that does things or shit will go haywire, which caused me to become an expert on just about everything and thus indispensible. but also made me a project manager who struggled with delegating.

― STUPID CRAP FACE (Neanderthal)

i like to tell myself that i got over that when i had to take two months of to recover from major surgery. then i look at earlier this year when i literally _paid money_ so i could keep working part-time while i went through an intensive outpatient program. seriously, i could have gotten 65% of my base pay if i'd just taken disability. instead i worked part time, which means i got, uh, 50% of my base pay.

my last boss used to say "hey, it's job security" - it would be nice if that was actually true. doesn't matter how "indispensable" i am if they decide to outsource my entire department...

i did, on a personal level, pretty seriously fuck up my life by making myself responsible for other people's bullshit. like:

the feeling of "if I switch off for one second, a bunch of irreversible, massively-destructive events will happen" is a pretty draining thing, for sure

― STUPID CRAP FACE (Neanderthal)

ok now imagine "irreversible, massively-destructive events" includes "your friends dying" (i mean, maybe it already does, i don't know). that's the role i chose to put myself in. no pressure, though!

the issue is that i was trying to support other people as an unhealthy coping mechanism that gave me an excuse to avoid dealing with my own problems

figure i might as well say that on the off chance someone else recognizes themselves in that picture

the issue is that i was trying to support other people as an unhealthy coping mechanism that gave me an excuse to avoid dealing with my own problems

figure i might as well say that on the off chance someone else recognizes themselves in that picture

That's the sad thing, I fuckin' _love_ delegating or sharing the loads, when there are people there ready and able to do it. I am not in any way a responsibility hoarder. The couple of times I've been the boss or manager of a team of people, I've handed off pretty much anything anyone asked for, and also things they didn't. Just happen to be in a personal/professional nexus right now where stuff is defaulting to me because nobody else is equipped for it.

I have had to teach myself that there is [may be] a difference between "doing it right" and "doing it the way I do it."

Yeah that's key to successful delegation imo/ime.

I have often been the responsible one which is a fucking laugh tbh. both as the oldest sibling and in other relationships in my life. can relate to "if I switch off for one second, a bunch of irreversible, massively-destructive events will happen" quite hard. funnily enough I have been accused of catastrophising and being overly anxious which is I assume very easy to say when you aren't the one who has to be functional

There’s a lot of emotions involved in taking on the “responsible one” role: resentment at having to take it on, worrying/catastrophising, remorse over poor delegating, annoyance over being criticised as “uptight/control freak”, irritation over lack of thanks given, and being taken for granted.

And my personal bugbear: if something goes wrong or all the effort wasn’t needed, people who did nothing but always “knew better”.

Phew, feeling this in spades today. Getting it from all sides — keeping kids more-or-less on track (older one has failed to register for summer/fall classes, younger one can't go a week without forgetting to turn in major assignments), keeping parents more-or-less on track (flying up there twice in the next month to finalize their moving details, getting rental house lined up for them here), keeping business more-or-less on track (my biz partner never thinks to take care of basic customer service or marketing stuff). Supporting my wife while she acts as the "responsible one" for her family, which has its own host of travails. Oh and sometime I need to mow my lawn before the city comes and yells at me.

I'm about ready to start posting dumb memes about how I don't want to adult anymore.

lol and my dad just emailed me about needing paper forms to fill out for their new doctor, because neither he nor my mom can figure out how to use the online portal link I sent them. So I have to go to the Dr's office and get a big paper packet and then mail it to them.

My sympathies to you and Mrs. Mothra - that sounds like a heck of a load to bear.

Thanks. Mostly just venting as usual. I know that it's still better to be able to do shit for people who need it than to not be. A privilege, even. Just an exhausting one.