trying things that are "not for you"

yesterday for a team-building exercise I took part in something I would never normally do - a craft activity that involved fine motor skills and painting, which felt like a nightmare on paper because I have no fine motor skills and suffer colourblindess. I went along, I tried it, it wasn't for me as I expected, and I feel a mix of validation for knowing that I wouldn't enjoy it and guilt for approaching it with a resigned and disinterested attitude. I played along, gave it my best shot, laughed at myself for being terrible at it and it was fine.

Afterwards, we went to a bar, which was also not for me - very much sports-for-the-lads, terrible music, overpriced drinks, standing room only. I made my excuses and left sharply. I feel guilty for not making an effort to stay and be sociable, but I also feel relief that I didn't let a sense of FOMO overtake me to a point where I was going to spend substantial money and give up a full evening doing something I found utterly wretched.

But it's got me thinking: at what point do and don't you draw the line for trying new things, and pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone? When is it fine to say, "I will not enjoy this and I will not try it, thank you but this is not for me" and at what point are you just being close-minded, selfish, anti-social and difficult? Does it depend on the activity, the person asking you, the cost, the implications of what will happen if you don't attempt to participate?

A few years ago in a different job we had a team night out where we went roller-blading. I cannot roller-blade. I have no confidence, no balance, no experience and no interest. I went, I paid £30, I held on to a rail for ten minutes and moved two metres then accepted I would just be sat at the table for the next hour and twenty minutes. I wish I hadn't bothered, but as part of a management team I felt obliged to go (although not high enough to push back on the activity as being potentially exclusionary successfully). At the time I thought I was doing the right thing by "being a team player" but now I think, what a predictably unpleasant night that was for me and I should have just stayed home.

What new things have you tried and been surprised at your enjoyment of? What things have you tried that have been as dismal as you would expect? Do you have regrets about things you have and have not tried?

The framing of "not for me" is an important part of this - this isn't about doing something objectively unpleasant. People are allowed to have hobbies and interests that I don't enjoy, tastes that don't align with mine, and there's no value judgement in it.

Dud

team-building exercise

no interest. I went, I paid £30

fuck every single part of this

possibly i've had the 'wrong' kind of american jobs (or more recently, no american jobs at all) but i feel like anecdotally this is an absolute plague in britain?

i mean if it's something i like, and you're paying for it, then fine. otherwise gtfo

if it's for somebody that i care about i'll try to push myself into doing things i'm not into, it's all a case by case "how much do i dislike this activity and how bad will it make me feel?" set of decisions i guess. even people i care about don't have the right to put me in a situation that makes me unhappy

people who evangelize about their passions can get to fuck tbh. being into your passions and talking about them, great. trying to sell me something i don't wanna do, no thanks

went karting for someone's stag weekend once although I don't drive and was the only one in the group who couldn't. it wasn't terrible but I went round the circuit very slowly.

For social activities, I am definitely strongly disinclined to try things that are “not for me”.

Travel - I am interested but wary of wasting a significant investment of money and annual leave allowance.

Work and jobs is an area where there probably is a significant return in trying out lots of activities that test your comfort zone.

Karaoke - it was a Not For Me, then I worked for/dated the owner of a karaoke bar for a couple of years and it moved to "okay I can see how this is fun when you're drunk" then the regulars who were too serious and would fight about song choices and slots ruined it again.

Dueling Piano Bar - made me pine for the sweet sounds of drunks doing karaoke

Axe Throwing Bar - stupid, not fun, seemed like someone packaged up a corporate team-building exercise as a regular bar.

Holding a baby - I was just terrified of dropping it, don't wish to repeat

What new things have you tried and been surprised at your enjoyment of? What things have you tried that have been as dismal as you would expect? Do you have regrets about things you have and have not tried?

otm about axe throwing, just the thought of it depresses me

In terms of work socials, I went to one of those crazy golf courses where you can drink while you golf not expecting anything and had a great time. I got a hole in one on one course that I still feel proud of.

there is a community social club around the corner from me where they do shit like line dancing, martial arts, yoga etc.. It's a lovely building - one of them old 40's/50's community cinema buildings with a corrugated roof. But in 17 years of living here it's never occurred to me to ever enter this building or enquire about what activities are going on in it. I'm not one of these people that does stuff!

Don't think I've ever really enjoyed something as a one-off activity in a long, long time. Actually can't remember if I ever have.

If I take on something it becomes a habit and goes beyond whether I enjoy it or not, becoming something I just do.

im open to things i think might not be for me

im not open to doing things i know arent for me "for" other people

things i might have to do for work during work hours are filed under work things i have to do for work after work hours doesnt compute

if the discussion covers the realm of "im not good at or dont enjoy x" separate from generalised social anxiety which i think its all a bit likely to be mixed in any discussion of this stuff generally i think its good to do a lot of different types of things and not need to be goodnat them to try that part of yourself on

I go out of my way to try things that are "not for me" and have only in my 40s really started to make peace with the fact that most people don't want to do the same.

I like trying new things. I went camping this summer and enjoyed it and that's typically not for me. I desperately want to go roller skating for my birthday and none of my friends would go because they said it wasn't for them so I've talked a co-worker into going with me. If I really really don't think I'd like something I wouldn't do it but there aren't that many things I can think of that I wouldn't try at least once.

On the one hand I'm solitary and an introvert, on the other hand there are not so many hard no's and I generally try to play along. For example, I feel like I can tolerate an activity I do not care for if I'm at least in good company. I hate not being given a choice though. I'm also definitely not the type to try new trends.

Also, obviously there are levels, it's easier to endure the embarrassment of karaoke than to sign up for bungee jumping.

have only in my 40s really started to make peace with the fact that most people don't want to do the same.

x-post - Yeah - I wouldn't do anything extreme/dangerous that I didn't want to obv. I should have said that. As long as I don't feel a threat to my safety/life I am willing to try most things. There - that's better.

I always say yes to everything because (I have only recently found out) my ADHD has made me time blind, strangely enough being aware of this does not stop me from taking on massive projects on a whim, just slightly reduces the amount.

if it's for somebody that i care about i'll try to push myself into doing things i'm not into, it's all a case by case "how much do i dislike this activity and how bad will it make me feel?" set of decisions i guess. even people i care about don't have the right to put me in a situation that makes me unhappy

This, basically. I already have an array of interests that's as broad as I need it to be at this particular point in time, and there's like a vestigial category of things that are like 'maybe someday if I find a way to fit them in but since I haven't managed by this point I can probably take or leave them tbrr'. I have to regularly step out of my comfort zone as a function of my job and I'm also willing to do so for the people in my life. Most activities that fall outside of those descriptors are like, god bless ya if it's your thing but it very likely isn't mine and I'm cool with letting you know as much if asked.

In re: the first post, that's the sort of thing that immediately comes to mind. I'm willing to entertain work-related but non-work events now because I actually value my workplace but in the past it was a pretty hard 'thanks but nope!'

I was reading the autobiography of G. Gordon Liddy and thought this was the kind of guy who would get himself addicted to heroin and kick it just to lord it over addicts, and that kind of spiteful, mean-spirited way of trying out things, or pretty much anything where your enthusiasm for it is suspect, grudging, or non-existent -- who needs it?

On the other hand, compulsively trying repulsive things as a way to satisfy a gambler's thrill isn't super-healthy either, though I did find out olive oil + ice cream is pretty tasty!

I have a friend who always wants me to go to sus looking comedy shows by comedians who look like Jim Breuer

Back when I was a technical writer in a high tech company I tried as hard as I could to evade going to the conventions of the professional organization of which my boss was the local chapter president, but she insisted I get on a plane to Orlando and stay in a Disney-owned hotel adjacent to both the convention center and Disney World. She said that this was entirely paid for by the company and should be regarded as a perk of the job, but not as optional.

I can think of things even less "for me" than this, but of things I've actually consented to it ranks very high. My all-enveloping sense of ennui competed with intermittent moments of revulsion the entire time, from the moment I got on the plane until I arrived home.

i live in an excruciatingly not-for-me place. i think my personality has just always been "if i don't want to do it, i don't do it." i've long since accepted this about myself.

I have a friend who always wants me to go to sus looking comedy shows by comedians who look like Jim Breuer

― Tapioca by Jean Sibelius (Boring, Maryland), Friday, December 1, 2023 1:53 PM (fifty-one minutes ago) bookmarkflaglin

But sometimes you go and actual Jim Brewer is one of the comedians which is whatever but there are others on that night and years later you might just realize that one of them was Dave Chapelle and you wouldn't have seen him had you said no.

Which actually happened to me years ago.

But it's got me thinking: at what point do and don't you draw the line for trying new things, and pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone? When is it fine to say, "I will not enjoy this and I will not try it, thank you but this is not for me" and at what point are you just being close-minded, selfish, anti-social and difficult? Does it depend on the activity, the person asking you, the cost, the implications of what will happen if you don't attempt to participate?

there was a time where I'd literally do just about anything I was invited to do, no matter how disinterested I was, because I was just happy to be invited, but those days are long gone.

Cost is the big one, like - if you're asking me to do something I know I probably won't like for free, ok, I'm more likely to take the chance, but if this thing has any significant cost to it...nah. I'm not going to spend $20 on something that will feel like a waste.

also, though - I'm big on not harshing one's vibes, and I'm terrible at faking interest. if I get there and I'm not feeling it, I'll try very hard to look like I'm enjoying myself, but you'll know i'm not, and then inevitably comes the "aren't you having a good time, Neanderthal?", where suddenly I feel very embarrassed.

that being said, some things I love doing I would never have discovered if I hadn't taken the chance. it also depends on the day of the week. on a Friday evening, after finishing a long week of work, I generally like to lay low, and if I leave the house, it's to do 'comfort food' type activities with good friends. whereas on a Saturday, where I've been bored and laying around for six hours, might be more amenable to spreading my wings in the evening.

day before going back to work = I don't want to do much at all.

I have a v v narrow set of things that are 'for me' and will practically never try anything 'not for me' especially if it involves being around other people. as far as work related socials go after you nope out of a few after work things in a row it becomes generally accepted and you stop getting asked which is fine for my job but I could see some professions where it could cause problems.

The worst thing about mandatory workplace activities is the persistent feeling that you could never in a million years convince any of these people to join you in doing any of the weird shit you're actually into. (Though at least that's a somewhat universal feeling; sometimes you can have a really nice conversation off to the side of one of these events, taking turns infodumping about your weird-ass hobby/obsession with one other coworker.) When I had to travel to another state for a corporate gathering the other month, I kept thinking about the fact that there was a death metal show three blocks from the hotel we were staying in, but there was no way I'd be able to talk anyone else into going, and even bringing it up risked side-eye, if not actual professional consequences. (Covid anxiety kept me from going, anyhow — this was in a red state and I was sure I'd be the only masked person in the venue if I did show up.)

lol I took a business trip to Winston Salem to teach a class once, flew in, got a rental, and found out Judas Priest were playing in Virginia that weekend. co-workers invited me to do fun college football-y stuff that Saturday but I made up an excuse and drove to Virginia to see JP.

I treated all expenses on that trip as non-business, and paid out of pocket for gas, tolls, food, but fucked up when I drove through a tunnel in Virginia that was tolls and I knew would charge to my corporate card and show up on my expense report. even though I paid the expense, my boss was still giving me a hard time about it until I made up an excuse for it that she bought. she was a hard-ass, by the book, and terrible boss so I didn't care.

(should say, all expenses on the 'trip to Virginia', sure as fuck treated the rest of the in North Carolina expenses as business)

i went through a phase of really pushing myself to do shit like this. i found open-mindedness really hard to force in the moment or even cultivate deliberately. buuuuuut genuine openness to some things has sort of come about through the process of erosion, of like my preferences wearing away at me, anhedonia setting in.

having a good time isn't usually predicated on whether something is "for me", it's more about my mood and how much resistance i'm putting up. like i have "sensory issues" which are pretty mild but i find it hard to enjoy even my favorite activities unless certain conditions are the way i like them and everything is as i expect it to be. if something is pissing me off it doesn't matter how magical the moment is otherwise, and resentment at being coerced into doing something i don't want to do is a helluva barrier to enjoyment. but the point is there are always variables i can't control, and even if i'm being very choosy, doing anything is a total crapshoot anyway. so i might as well branch out. expectations can actually be less of a problem when exploring new places and trying new things.

idk the first thing that came to mind when i read the OP was this one time i went to a choreographed dance class with a couple of really lovely people i'd just met at something called Tea With Strangers (p much what the name suggests). i was a regular at these things for a time. one of the people who really impressed me was saying how she'd got into dance at college even though it was really "not her thing", and she was starting a unique kind of dance class that would de-emphasize technical ability. so even though dance has never been "my thing", i mean coming from an "indie" mentality that obv resonated. i thought of michael stipe saying "if you can talk you can sing, if you can walk you can dance". i wanted to support that for sure! and a few of us went along to one of her classes. i had a fairly open mind! but i found myself really struggling with the choreography (nobody else was struggling afaict) (also, i did not expect it to be choreographed, i thought it was gonna be like free uninhibited idiot dancing... so i guess i didn't have such an open mind huh?). i couldn't wait for it to be over, i was miserable and at the same time hoping nobody would notice i wasn't having a blast because i wanted to be supportive. hangin out with them at a bar afterwards was really nice, like i said they were lovely people! but when she asked me if i would be willing to make it a weekly thing, i said, well, it was fun to try once :D

it was a group of people where being open to trying uncomfortable shit was the thing that brought us together in the first place, so maybe there was an element of pressure to go along with it but nbd

idk when i think of some of the stupid, toxic, painful and otherwise unhealthy shit social bonds have compelled me to do, what's to regret about going bouldering or trying a yoga class