"I'm sorry you experienced that"

why do I hate this one so much

I guess it depends on the context? But it feels like empty words if someone says it to you. I’m sure I’ve said this before when I couldn’t think of something to say in response to some awful revelation.

I've said similar words professionally and personally before now but it's how you say it and how you mean it imo

I sat in on a workshop that emphasized empathy, and there were so many phrases suggested for thoughtful, productive conversations that would and do drive me, personally, batty (as a recipient). Stuff just like "I'm sorry you experienced that," or "that must have made you very upset."

It feels like hedging, in a way that maybe neuters the intended empathy. Rather than being sorry that something happened, the person is sorry for YOUR experience, allowing for the possibility that other people in the same situation might not have had the same (bad) experience, or that perhaps you have a share in the blame for whatever you are currently feeling.

I guess it’s standard management speak which doesn’t necessarily imply blame/guilt/liability on any particular party

Does any of you have a suggestion for a couple of good phrases to use instead? No, I can't just make something up on the spot, I'm neurodivergent and have a speech impediment, so I have to script.

It kind of reminds me a bit of that therapist at the end of Ghost World a bit, that kind of calming platitude that’s actually quite condescending, where Steve Buscemi says “thank you” on his way out, and she goes “No need to thank me, you’re doing all the work,” before she closes her door on him and rolls her eyes. But that’s a negative example as NV says. I think it’s a classic stopgap when you don’t really know what to say.

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

No, I'm not going to use that one, it's dismissive and belittling.

Safe to infeer that "sucks to be you" would not go over well in the contexts you're imagining, Christine?

lol yeah I was joking

I think a lot of it depends on authenticity. If you are not consistently an empathetic type of character (not meant as a judgement, not everybody is good at it), it could come across as awkward or ingenuine. I was talking to a guy recently and got onto the subject of stress, woes, and gut punches I've experienced in my life. He just said, 'Fuck me, you've been through the wringer,' and then changed the subject to something less serious. It was an amusing and perfectly fine response for me. If he had used the phrase from this thread, it would have sounded off for him and wouldn't have made me feel any better.

Changing the subject after your confessions might've alarmed me, actually.

Answer to thread question is that it is an expression of sympathy rather than empathy.

crisp is correct. There is also a bit of condescension thrown in.

Does any of you have a suggestion for a couple of good phrases to use instead?

There's a short video that explores sympathy v. empathy https://brenebrown.com/videos/rsa-short-empathy/

grousing to a former colleague/friend over slack about my inability to land a job and he said "I'm sorry this is happening to you" and I almost threw my laptop across the room (not really)

The lizard part of my brain would prefer something like "that sucks, they should get their ass kicked."

to somewhat go against the thread

i think a strong dissatisfaction with the response anyone gives you in a situation like this is a predictable tie in to the dissatisfaction with the circumstances youve just related

that most of any strong criticism of a dissatisfactory response usually involves a large element of projection based on that person probably being the wrong person to relate whatever events to and a reaction to that realisation

that holding a listener to a perfect standard is in itself a negative behaviour

essentially i personally have a fairly strong reaction myself to people putting themselves in a role where others are reduced to listening to them and then judged on the performance of that listening

this is fodder for the thread and not tied in to any one experience anyone can recall where im going to be the subject of anyone's rage, he said without much hope

it's tough because usually when someone is opening up to me about something painful that happened, I want to respond in a way that acknowledges their feelings are valid AND signals that I'm willing to keep listening. and - everyone is different, as well, and the things that rub one person the wrong way are welcome to another. I've definitely said this phrase before when lacking other words (I'm always afraid to say "I don't know what to say" as it comes across as detached to me).

my best friend is autistic and sometimes if I focus too much on validating her experiences, she gets upset ("I know I have a right to be upset, you don't have to keep reminding me that this situation is fucked up!"), and she prefers me to let her get out her frustration and remind her I'm here. whereas another friend, the validating of experiences is exactly what she wants me to do. this isn't a bad thing, a good friend that knows their friends well enough should be able to adapt their approach.

but it does mean that in these situations, sometimes I can be a bit anxious about the right thing to say because the last thing I want to do is ruin someone's night further. and don't want to pull focus from them, either.

That sounds exactly right to me — the last few years have presented me with a lot of horrible things I feel like I need to tell someone so they know what I’m going through only to realize I’ve told the wrong people and they don’t know what to do with the information aside from be horrified. So I get a lot of “sorry [my name]” and I can’t blame ppl for not knowing what to say.

I was referring to darraghmac’s post so add an xp in yr mind pls

My first comment would probably be "I'm sorry that happened", which is only more empathetic to the other person inasmuch as it suggests that the actual "happening" was distressing more than their subjective "experience" of it.

Yeah I think darra is OTM here.

I also think there are simply situations where there is nothing you can say that won't sound insincere or lacking or placeholder-y in some way, I've certainly never said this sentence while thinking "this is the ideal response, they'll feel so good I said that", it is kind of an admission of defeat - but it beats silence. A hug is better, if you have that level of intimacy.

It's interesting thinking about this in terms of how it operates in a school environment. I might hear 2, 5, 10 things a day that require way more attention than I'm physically (and mentally) able to properly attend to. Initially, it used to keep me awake at night - worrying about the correct levels of attention and response. Over time, I just had to a) grow a thicker skin but b) understand that response in the moment is only part of it and that attention is an ongoing process.

And I essentially agree with darragh: there isn't a formula because your response isn't really the point, nor is it fair to be held account for it.

half of the time I vent it's because I feel I need to, but the moment it's out of me, paradoxically, I don't want to be approached by a ton of friends trying to console me, because often times I feel "I'm not worth this getting worked up over, and this problem isn't important", which is something I'm...working on. there were a few times when the dad sitch took a turn on social media where I posted about it and said please don't PM me at this time, i'm too overwhelmed, just send good thoughts.