Least promising Sequel/Remake/Franchise/IP-based flick of 2024

Joker 2 will make me the most nauseous
Twisters will only be good if the main character is a tornado and Bill Paxton's daughter tries to murder it in revenge

I went to the cinema with my kids to see the last sonic the hedgehog film and the thought of seeing another one made me shudder, so that.

Deadpool 3

oh god

Piece by Piece (Pharrell Williams biopic in Legos)

ok?

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/pharrell-williams-lego-movie-piece-by-piece-1234955076/

wait where's Biden vs Trump?

In there as megamind vs the doom syndicate

no Intellectual property detected

really want to emphasize how terrible the winehouse movie looks

voted for Kraven the Hunter because the poster suggests it feature Sam Taylor Johnson wearing normal pants and not the leopard print leggings Kraven had in the comics

I feel like Beetlejuice Beetlejuice is probably going to be the most disappointing

I wish I could vote for like 10 of these

idk about the inclusion of random biopics

Having seen the Ghostbusters 4 trailer, that.

Jerry Seinfeld will direct, produce, co-write and star in the film, which is based on a joke he told about the creation of the Pop-Tart.[2]

ok, this sounds pretty unpromising

I'm sure I voted Dune 2 last year, but in my defense, I didn't know they were going to release a popcorn box sex toy to go with it

Terrifier 3

Can't wait for Letterboxd edgelords to declare this the Citizen Kane of our times

I was going to include Air Force One Down, starring Anthony Michael Hall, but couldn't find any indication it was a sequel to Air Force One.

what is outlaw posse meant to be a sequel to/remake of?

Posse
It's a Mario Van Peebles film

Think it's a sequel to Air Force Three Across xps

is there a connection otherwise tho? or is it a crimes of the future thing, it isn't clear from a brief search

Jerry Seinfeld's writing career post-Seinfeld is taking throwaway movie titles the Seinfeld writers came up with but never used, and making them into feature-lengths

But still, Joker 2 is way more unpromising because of the attention it'll get

til Seinfeld's first name is Jerome

People will start saying "Jokerfied" again

Not voting Joker 2 because it's almost impossible for me to imagine disliking it more than Joker the first

Can't wait for Letterboxd edgelords to declare this the Citizen Kane of our times

― badpee pooper (Eric H.), Tuesday, February 6, 2024 3:56 PM (thirty-seven minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

can't wait to do exactly this

I think the Bob Marley one has now passed Wall Street 2 as my most seen trailer ever

Most promising is People's Joker, as it was pretty great

Not including this in this year's poll turned out prescient:

‘COYOTE VS ACME’ is now expected to be shelved and deleted forever.

Warner Bros wanted $75M - $80M for the film and rejected offers from Netflix, Amazon & Paramount, refusing to let them counter-offer.

(Source: https://t.co/CRJ33GW4SK) pic.twitter.com/fivqey7r39

— DiscussingFilm (@DiscussingFilm) February 9, 2024

loving this new trend of shooting movies and never releasing them

So this was not based on the Ian Frazier New Yorker piece?

it's based on a landfill, now!

Coyote Vs Acme is based on the New Yorker piece

I don't really understand why it bothers me that they are never releasing (or maybe outright deleting) a movie I would most likely never watch, but it does bother me for some reason, probably because I worry they might also do this same kind of thing to something I'd like to see.

the total disrespect and dehumanization of people trying to make their art, regardless of the quality?

Right, also the latent (and admittedly very snobby) hunch that the movies studios try to bury are probably way more interesting than the movies studios force upon the mass audience

Anything that's actually faithful to the Looney Tunes aesthetic/ethos is probably a specialty item these days

not to mention completely wasteful re: resources

Seeing mixed reports on whether this is a tax writeoff or not; tax law is completely beyond me tho

wouldn't be surprised if they just make 4 movies a year just to write-off taxes with no intent of release. taking the ashcan copy to new levels

I just cannot fathom being a creator, writer, director, actor or anyone that pours heart and soul into a project and it just *POOF* vanishes without even the chance to be seen by any audience. Not to make any of these disposed of films sound like high art, but surely someone involved put a lot of care and love into what they do and to just see it... gone? It is heartbreaking.

I just cannot fathom being a creator, writer, director, actor or anyone that pours heart and soul into a project and it just *POOF* vanishes without even the chance to be seen by any audience. Not to make any of these disposed of films sound like high art, but surely someone involved put a lot of care and love into what they do and to just see it... gone? It is heartbreaking.

― Maxmillion D. Boosted (jon /via/ chi 2.0)

idk i feel like that's kind of intrinsic part of being a creator, working really hard on something that nobody ever sees?

Kelly Reichart's latest film is an example of that, in more ways than one

I suppose it’s a bit like being an artist and a rich guy buys your painting and sets it on fire

no, it's like being an artist, and being commissioned to create paintings, with the promise that they will be sold to museums for display, and then the purchaser of the paintings driving the painting to the museum, getting to the parking lot, and lighting it on fire in front of the museum curators, laughing

in the background, Jethro Tull's "Thick as a Brick" plays

Sounds like something the Roadrunner might do

There isn't really going to be a Gladiator 2, is there?

Turns out teasing a movie for three months solid before actually releasing it is a bad release strategy

Very telling that when I tried to look up what movies came out this weekend all I get are results for streaming

I just tried and the first five results were for theaters and the sixth combined theaters and “major streaming platforms.”

Ok so what and out this weekend?

Pretty sure that the marketing of The Fall Guy was driven by the desire to capture as much of the mega-huge audience for Barbie as possible and this was to be accomplished by driving Ryan Gosling into our brains with a nail gun.

Ok so what and out this weekend?

AND WHAT

Kingdom Ape Planet
Poolman
Tarot
We Grown Now
The Dry 2: The Wet Force Of Nature: The Dry 2
Not Another Tyler Perry Movie
Last Stop In Yuma County
Srikanth
Lazareth
Three Promises
Aggro Dr1ft
Gasoline Rainbow
Hazard
Triple 7
The Image Of You

and the Met Opera's Madama Butterfly

Sounds like a Redbox screen

…in that it’s a list of recent movies? (only two of which are relevant to the thread)

No it sounds like the stuff in the theatres sounds like stuff that in the past would be straight to DvD

i'm seeing Kingdom Ape Planet tomorrow, I have high expectations

a typical list of direct-to-DVD films, any given week prior to 2024:

a $157 million franchise blockbuster that is also #1 at the theatrical box office with $129 million taken in three days
the sequel to an English-language country's 14th-highest-grossing hit of all time
a biography of a visually impaired entepreneur promoted by disability rights orgs
a Harmony Korine action film shot entirely on infrared cameras
an inspirational drama film about kids growing up in a Chicago housing project in the 90s
the latest semi-fiction-semi-doco feature by The Ross Brothers

Save Hollywood, TWISTERS! 🌪️

if it's not in 3D, they fucked up

having now seen Aggro Dr1ft on a cinerama screen with a hyped Friday night audience, I'm urgently keen for P-Keyes to update the thread regularly with that week's equivalent (and a healthy list of DTV versions from years past)

missed the Ross bros one locally tho

if it's not in 3D, they fucked up

they could just call the next one TWIST3D

I'll go see that to catch up on Kiernan Shipka, who I'm pretty sure I haven't seen once since Mad Men ended. I like the original. From what I remember, the first minute of the trailer is almost identical to the original's.

Unfrosted: The Pop Tart Story has been four weeks in release. Has anyone here seen it? Has anyone at all seen it?

Lots of discussion about it in the Is It On Netflix...? streaming thread and the Seinfeld thread.

so saw Twisters finally and...ok, obviously I knew the main conceit of the film (taming a tornado) wasn't actually possible: https://www.noaa.gov/twisters-noaa-tornado-science-behind-the-scenes

but that isn't the problem, movie logic says it is. that's fine. that said, having a human being defeat a tornado in the climax was one of the dumbest things I've seen in a blockbuster. and I had liked it up until that point!

i'm vaguely fond of the og twister thanks to a science teacher springing it on us it in lieu of something more boring/educational

re: ii, part of me loves this idea of a person defeating a tornado, like that is some deep ridiculousness. is it the power of love? do they embrace the twister, which then breaks into tears and hugs them back? if they hurl nukes at it like trump i will be vexed. maybe telekinesis saves the day, tremendous soundtrack swelling as a child actor bares their teeth while strenuously wiggling their fingers at the cgi! i feel that would be the right direction for this franchise.

in the threequel (twist3rs!) the enraged babies of the felled twister converge upon the tornado slayer in the most wildass 3-headed cerberus of a twister ever to fling a cow

by the fourth movie i think the cows will have had enough and rise up against humans and twisters, who will need to join forces against the bovine enemy. methane cow farts will feature prominently in this film, which will segue seamlessly into the new Planet of the Cows universe.

in conclusion kevin feige is a chump and i will fite him

that's the thing w/ me with the Twister movie is that they play everything po-faced, which is FINE, it's a disaster movie, but if you're gonna throw in something ridiculous like SCIENTIST UPLOADS VIRUS INTO FUNNEL CLOUD TO DEFEAT TORNADO, then you need some level of camp to sell it, but this entire movie was maudlin 'look at the ruins' shit.

I really wish they'd gone the gonzo route because your threequel is infinitely more entertaining. in the fourth ambye the Tornadoes are crime lords that control all of Tornado Alley and a sheriff has to take them down

bump

thanks, hl.

Yeah, so I saw Beetlejuice Beetlejuice last night on the strength of a 76% Rotten Tomatoes score and listening to two podcast reviews (paused before the spoilers) that both said something along the lines of this was "Burton's best film in a long time" and "had too many subplots in the beginning but the third act brings it all together."

Guys, there are maybe 10-15 minutes worth of genuinely entertaining moments, but what a piece of shit, honestly.

*What they did to Winona Ryder's character is fucking deplorable.
*The third act did not bring it all together.
*MacArthur Park is no substitute for Harry Belafonte.
* The afterlife has a "Soul Train" and it's loud and obnoxious and I'm pretty sure its the only place you'll see a black person in this movie.

You didnt like how every scene was just people rapid-fire spitting exposition at each other because they had to rush through 6 plotlines in 100 minutes?

https://nerdist.com/article/alien-tv-series-noah-hawley-artificial-intelligence-weyland-yutani/

a mysterious CEO called Boy Kavalier. Essie Davis and Adarsh Gourav also join the series as Dame Silvia and Slightly.

a character named Tootles

who keeps naming alien franchise characters like this and can i get them to saddle my enemies with similarly comical sobriquets

Wendy, who is a hybrid, a meta-human who has the brain and consciousness of a child but the body of an adult

they're not actually doing a bornsexyyesterday are they? there must surely be some kind of subversion to the trope here, nobody would do that straight anymore?

Didn’t Emma Stone just win an Oscar playing that role?

probably, i wasn't paying attention

i need to stop being surprised when people make the dumbest choice possible!

wau @ the plot to that emma stone joint i just looked up, btw

It's a great film though.

Also, I'm giving the Alien series the benefit of the doubt due to Hawley's involvement

same. he’s done some great television and I’m curious how he’ll do sci fi/horror

I just read that the Wicked movie is almost three hours long and it's only the first half of the thing? Is the Broadway show six hours long? That seems like a lot.

there's an hour of flying monkey torture

no, Broadway show is 2.5 hours, plus intermission. they padded this

Apparently one of my wife's work colleagues was at a showing last night that devolved into a shoving match because one lady was super pissed off that another family was very loudly singing along.

DRAMA

I saw that some theaters apparently have signs saying things to the effect of "please do not sing along at this showing. we have a sing-along showing in december!"

I've already seen friends posting pre-show anxiety - "IF I HEAR YOU SINGING YOU AND I ARE GONNA COME TO BLOWS".

when I saw the Rent movie musical nobody was doing it but it's probably because they were upset that it sucked

three hours and it's only half of the story? fucking hell.

For those that’ve been to a Taylor Swift show, is the stage volume loud enough to drown out the singalong tweens, or is the majority of what you hear the audience? I’d imagine that is licensing the Wicked participants.

President Keyes took over this annual thread in my absence last year, and if they’re still around I’ll leave them—or anyone else—with the option to start the 2025 one, mostly because I’m busy enough these days to sacrifice the hour I might spend combing Wikipedia for terrible films in the service of something more valuable. Not that I won’t still do it, of course—I just didn’t want to presume to snatch back ownership after leaving the board for a while. But really, I just wanted to give someone else the chance to take it off my hands.

By the way, I was only reminded of this thread this afternoon after I misread the listing of an upcoming Netflix film called La Dolce Villa as a remake of La Dolce Vita. So at least that doesn’t exist.

Not looking good so far:

Wolf Man
Superman
How To Train Your Dragon
The Smurfs Movie
Bride Of Frankenstein
Lilo & Stitch
Frankenstein
The Fantastic Four: First Steps
snow White
The Running Man
The Chronicles Of Narnia

oh, also a new adaptation of 'Animal Farm'

And The Toxic Avenger

You can have it back cryptosicko. Too many complaints from the voters.

Least promising Sequel/Remake/Franchise/IP-based flick of 2025

https://variety.com/2025/film/news/coyote-vs-acme-rescued-warner-bros-axed-finished-film-1236342588/

Ketchup Entertainment is expected to land distribution rights for “Coyote vs. Acme.” Thought the sale has not closed, the price tag will reportedly in the $50 million range, according to Deadline, which broke the news.

Ketchup Entertainment, an independent distributor, recently spearheaded the theatrical release of “The Day the Earth Blew Up: A Looney Tunes Movie” after Warner Bros. Discovery decided to shop that film as well. “The Day the Earth Blew Up” opened in theaters on March 14 and has grossed $3.9 million at the domestic box office to date.

...

Ketchup Entertainment was founded in 2012 and has released independent films such as Michael Keaton’s comedy “Goodrich,” Ben Affleck’s thriller “Hypnotic” and Jessica Chastain’s drama “Memory.”

Day The Earth Blew Up is delightful, thank you mysterious money launderers and I promise to see your $50M mistake if physically able