Pet guardians: If your friend could speak and fully understand your speech for one day, what would you say?

"Yes, you can have some food."

Why are you like this?

You - why do you bite us, and could you please stop? And how did you end up on the streets?

And you - why must you meow ask the time now, is it because you're mad at being old?

“I love you”

“Don’t get sad when I leave, I’ll always be back”

why do you bite us, and could you please stop?

otm

“I love you”

“Don’t get sad when I leave, I’ll always be back”

― brimstead, Friday, November 1, 2024 6:16 PM (thirty-nine minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

came to write this, basically

“You’re the best thing that’s happened to me in the last 15 years. And I’ve had a lot of good things happen to me in that time.”

“…I don’t expect you to remember this. It’s called daylight saving time…”

Lol was going to post exactly that. The last two weeks have been a challenge

If I get up from the sofa it doesn't mean I'm going to the kitchen to feed you, I'd have thought you'd have learnt this by now.

I'd be more interested in understanding what they're saying to me

My cat would have a ton of questions:

"Why are you constantly waving at me? I know you're there. i just saw you!"

"Why are you constantly congratulating me for eating my food? Do you realize how low a bar that is?"

"Why do you always say things like 'oh look at that little sleepy, he's such a little sleepy'? What the hell kind of language is that? Who even says that?"

"No, I tell you you're not allowed out in that corridor, I'm sorry, but I don't make the rules. And I keep telling you there's nothing out there anyhow, it's boring, just a bunch of carpeting and closed doors. No mice, no birds. I wish you wouldn't whine about it every evening"

I mostly do give the cat this basic speech everyday, and the one about how she's also not allowed out that other door, the one to the 4th floor balcony.

xpost lol Henry

Our cat was a neighborhood cat who discovered our pet door and welcomed himself in. He has turned into the absolute sweetest, most chill cat I've ever known (we've had him for about 3 years). But he came to us with mysterious marks of trauma — a patch of fur missing from his tale and another from his side, we suppose both from the same incident. We have speculated a lot, most likely seems like a dog attack, possibly a car mishap. My preferred narrative is that he fought off a coyote. But anyway, that's definitely the first thing we'd ask him about.

His tail, I mean. We want to know the tale of the tail.

"we love you so much"

"is licking people your love language?"

"i genuinely need you to walk alongside me sometimes, can we work something out?"

lol

I respect your enthusiasm but none of the squirrels in the back garden are a clear and present danger to the wellbeing of this family and they are incapable of stealing our food so maybe calm down, stop shouting at them from the window and learn to co-exist. Also I love you with all my heart and will protect you forever.

Please stop knocking books off shelves when you’re hungry and trying to wake us up in the morning

I know it feels like I'm yanking you around all the time, but you're yanking ME around - just fucking calm down!

I’d like to be able to explain that scavenging on walks is completely unacceptable (and receive promises that it would stop) but Widget is already like one of those 3yo who asks WHY after every explanation or request.

I would also like a discussion of why particular neighbourhood dogs are unacceptable to him, and whether it might be a good idea not to bark at them or move to them.

tipsy's answer is my favorite, I think the variations on "I love you" and "stop giving me a hard time" are communicated easily enough nonverbally, but I'd have questions.

I wonder if the addendum that they would only understand Schwarzenegger one-liners would make most of these still doable.

"I love you" = "I'm going to hang out with you until the end of time"
"Stop giving me a hard time" = "C'mon! Don't bullshit me!"
“Don’t get sad when I leave, I’ll always be back” = "I'll be back"
“…I don’t expect you to remember this. It’s called daylight saving time…” = "You only postponed it. Judgment Day is inevitable"

ooh another one is "would you recognize your siblings by smell still?"

(she had 3 or 4 other littermates also adopted locally, she was the runt, I always hope we will meet a sibling at the dog park or somewhere but it hasn't happened yet)

if we get to ask questions that we might get answers to id definitely come uo with more

Right - I would like to ask about how he decides where exactly to poo - the choice of a general area, then the wandering up and down, the circling, the sniffing - are you trying to get as far as possible from something? Why is it the correct spot?

I wonder if this makes training a pet to use the toilet a trivial task or is it subject to multi-day negotiation and brinksmanship.

“Stop biting my hand when I’m working on the laptop in the kitchen table that you are also not supposed to have jumped up on.”

I leave the back door open so you can come in at night yet you still decide to meow at the front door at 2, 4 and 6am. Care to explain?