Battle Of The Spider Men

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If Nicholas Hammond were to travel through time from the 70s to meet Tobey Maguire in a car park after last orders, and if a fight were to break out between the two, who would win? They both have spider power, remember.

Hammond would fly into a rage at Maguire's hollywood lifestyle and get in the first blow - a haymaker across the young star's handsome jaw. But what then?

― Al Ewing, Tuesday, 26 November 2002 23:29 (twenty-three years ago)

It would all resolve in an epic Bollywood dance number

― Chris Barrus (xibalba), Tuesday, 26 November 2002 23:32 (twenty-three years ago)

er... Nicholas Hammond... c'est qui?

― DV (dirtyvicar), Tuesday, 26 November 2002 23:37 (twenty-three years ago)

WHO CARES? CLICK ON CHRIS'S LINK!!!!!!!!

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 26 November 2002 23:38 (twenty-three years ago)

This thread has now become "Does anyone know who Nicholas Hammond was... and if so, how would he do in a fight with Tobey Maguire?"

Surely someone must remember Spiderman's old fake-looking adventures? I thought this board was hip.

― Al Ewing, Tuesday, 26 November 2002 23:43 (twenty-three years ago)

Even better than the dancing hats.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 26 November 2002 23:44 (twenty-three years ago)

Who's the guy on the left? A transformer?

― Al Ewing, Tuesday, 26 November 2002 23:52 (twenty-three years ago)

Nicholas Hammond couldn't spin proper webs, far less swing on them. He also couldn't tell jokes and his suit was cheaper. For these reasons he would lose.

― Eyeball Kicks (Eyeball Kicks), Wednesday, 27 November 2002 00:10 (twenty-three years ago)

He spun hard-wearing webs of firm string... anyway, without suits, bare-knuckle in a car park, he would win against the weedier Maguire.

― Al Ewing (Al Ewing), Wednesday, 27 November 2002 00:18 (twenty-three years ago)

String! Woo!

― Eyeball Kicks (Eyeball Kicks), Wednesday, 27 November 2002 00:38 (twenty-three years ago)

REAL string - not CGI hoaxery. And he got 'passenger action' with whoever he pleased instead of running away into a cemetary like a big fool.

― Al Ewing (Al Ewing), Wednesday, 27 November 2002 00:44 (twenty-three years ago)

Did NH have foxy redhead Mary Jane Watson lusting after him?

The answer is no.

Might this have anything to with the fact that NH was playing this teenage superhero while, apparently, being in his thirties or MAYBE EVEN forties? Aye. Tobey meanwhile, was a spritely 26-year-old 16-year-old.

Did NH display the proportionate speed, strength or agility of a spider?

The answer is no.

He was beaten up regularly by guys in second-hand kung-fu suits.

Your argument, i.e. REAL string vs FAKE CGI is daft.

It's a FILM! It's MADE-UP! CGI beats string! It LOOKS GOOD, for one thing. You cannot defeat me, Al Ewing! You are The Looter. I am Hobgoblin!

― Eyeball Kicks (Eyeball Kicks), Wednesday, 27 November 2002 00:58 (twenty-three years ago)

I wanna be Mysterio!

― David R. (popshots75`), Wednesday, 27 November 2002 05:01 (twenty-three years ago)

Who's the guy on the left? A transformer?

Dude, I think it's VOLTRON!

― jm, Wednesday, 27 November 2002 06:13 (twenty-three years ago)

Now I've seen everything.

― B, Wednesday, 27 November 2002 06:24 (twenty-three years ago)

Pre-Spiderman Nicholas Hammond was one of the kids from Sound of Music

― H (Heruy), Wednesday, 27 November 2002 07:44 (twenty-three years ago)

Who is the chick? Whatever, it's fucking tops.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 27 November 2002 19:42 (twenty-three years ago)

I wanna be Mysterio!

This would mean you're dead- Kevin Smith killed you, remember?

I want to be the Spider-Mobil

― Daniel_Rf (Daniel_Rf), Wednesday, 27 November 2002 23:16 (twenty-three years ago)

I wanna be Mysterio!

This would mean you're dead- Kevin Smith killed you, remember?

I want to be the Spider-Mobile!

― Daniel_Rf (Daniel_Rf), Wednesday, 27 November 2002 23:16 (twenty-three years ago)

Elektra should just stick their nateses.

― Leee (Leee), Wednesday, 27 November 2002 23:19 (twenty-three years ago)

I see I've been away from this far too long.

NOT REAL - hah! the greek myths were not real also but they contain cosmic truths. Likewise the proposed battle between Nicholas Hammond and Tobey Maguire in a pub car park. Maguire would reach for a bit of pipe, but Hammond would use his forty-year-old wisdom to disarm the young pretender - and then karate him into oblivion with the moves learned from such foes as the crap ninjas out of "Spider-Man And The Dragons Challenge!"

Therefore who is best? It is me.

By the way, was that the same Voltron from Get Your War On? And if so, could Hammond use bombs made from mechanical animals to win the day?

― Al Ewing (Al Ewing), Friday, 29 November 2002 23:58 (twenty-three years ago)

Therefore who is best? It is me.

Are you crazy?

Here's how I beat you:

I say, "Okay, Tiger, you win. But please devote your genius to the question of whether your Nic Hammond would beat late 60s cartoon-Spider Man. Does string beat crayons? But the Molten Man has scissors...!"

So you think a while. It takes a long while to think. Meanwhile, in the days before your next response, I'm fucking your wife and using your identity to commit BIG TIME benefit fraud.

Catch me if you can! Catch me with yr STRING!

― Eyeball Kicks (Eyeball Kicks), Saturday, 30 November 2002 02:03 (twenty-three years ago)

My string destroys you in a second. As for thinking - an overrated pastime at best - I can't be here every second of every day to prove my spider greatness. I've got work to do! Mad work! The like of which you cannot imagine!

Late 60's cartoon Spiderman was THE MOST BORING CREATURE IN THE WORLD as well you know. And I have no wife - like David Beckham, I masturbate into an old sock.

Go on. Fuck my sock.

I dare you.

― Al Ewing (Al Ewing), Saturday, 30 November 2002 02:21 (twenty-three years ago)

I did - while you were posting that.

Must I review your sock? They're all the SAME to me.

PS: I can imagine your work. I really can!

― Eyeball Kicks (Eyeball Kicks), Saturday, 30 November 2002 02:30 (twenty-three years ago)

They are all the same! You can't go wrong with basic black and it absorbs the stains. Anyway, hopefully you won't have to imagine my work soon as it'll be regularly published and on sale at discerning comic shops. In the meantime, there's always Tarkus, which should be appearing fortnightly from now on.

― Al Ewing (Al Ewing), Saturday, 30 November 2002 02:34 (twenty-three years ago)

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