do you want a funeral?

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/2/25/ArcadeFireFuneralCover.jpg

and will you provide one for those who leave it up to you to do so?

(this is ilx, so there are all kinds of threads about 'songs to be played at one's funeral' but)

i haven't lived in my hometown in 36 years, and have lived in like nine other places since then, and have no family to speak of, so: no. although it'd be nice if someone made an 'RIP me' thread here when the time comes

Viking funerals are ahistorical and would be illegal everywhere AFAIK… but there’s no law against being cremated, putting your ashes on a little row boat and having people shoot flaming arrows at it.

otm

I mean, I'm going to be composted with a bunch of inclusions (shredded paperback of Cannery Row, various forms of coffee, some french fries, the inevitable drift of cat hair) and if local folks want to come say farewell, that's cool. Better there's a party once my soil is finish and the weather's fine and the nutrients I can contribute get used by flowers and fruit trees and grasses.

I heard last weekend about a guy's ashes that were green like wasabi powder, because his metallic green motorcycle helmet was cremated with him.

i feel like my mom would totally be into the composting thing, but i don't think she really cares and it's already too late to get her clearance on it

there was a service for my dad seven years ago and it was cool how many of his former students and colleagues showed up, but he'd basically spent his entire 80+ years in the same place

i think my mom had meant to disperse his ashes at two important places, but hadn't done so by the time she moved into memory care. so my aunt took them and dumped them out, along with those of her late husband, on the edge of her property. possibly even in a place where dogs piss? which my uncle wouldn't mind and my dad (who was awesome) frankly deserved for the way in which he bowed out

perhaps the best way is that of donnie in the big lebowski

Are pauper's graves still a thing? I want that, with no service.

I've got no instructions because it won't matter to me, I'll be dead. Funerals are for the living and I'll leave it up to whoever survives me to do what best pleases them.

before I die I want to buy a castle to leave to my descendants, I plan to be taxidermied and left sitting in an armchair.

whenever I watch Talking Pictures TV it seems like half of the adverts are for cremation plans and I find the tone creepy "oh I don't want to make a fuss" - like who is this company telling old people that they shouldn't bother their own family with the burden of their having lived?

ill have something set up and paid for but itll be in the room of a local cherished pub/eatery and there'll be music and drinks

ill be brought there in an urn by whomever is in line to do so

The other day my partner spontaneously shared that she wanted to be cremated and her ashes to be spread in nature. It's also my own preference. She envisions the mountain, I envision a field. So we officially have plans for ourselves.

Last few times I attended funerals, I realized that I was happy to put my anti-clerical considerations aside and accept that death justifies having someone officially in charge of the send-off, and that it might as well be a priest and in a church. I can't really think of a good alternative - it's a sad day, fuck trying to be more meaningful, as long as the family and friends can be together and have a toast to the memory of the person, it will do.

Sounds like a threat.

If I'm going to have a funeral service would v much prefer it to be a humanist one.

before I die I want to buy a castle to leave to my descendants, I plan to be taxidermied and left sitting in an armchair.
― Proust Ian Rush (Camaraderie at Arms Length), mercredi 10 septembre 2025 07:11 (two hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

I like that one. At the dinner table, in the drawing room, at the head of the stairway? I'm sure your descendants will eventually get used to it. They can introduce you to guests as grandpa.

ideally I would be in a different place every day, just as a surprise

No funerals. Just as little fuss to anyone as possible.

I've got no instructions because it won't matter to me, I'll be dead. Funerals are for the living and I'll leave it up to whoever survives me to do what best pleases them.

I think this is a reason why people like you to leave some sort of instruction, so they can feel like they're at least doing something you would want. Like, I had to have strong words with my parents after my brother's death because they wanted to bring his ashes "home" and inter them somewhere near them. Once he left that place he never wanted to go back, and was vocal about it. No way would he have wanted to spend eternity there.

There are a couple of songs that I would like played in my honour with my nearest and dearest gathered to hear them, but that could be in someone's living room. It wouldn't have to be a whole thing.

The real answer is that I don't plan on dying

If I have sufficient advance notice of the impending event and I'm cognitively up to it, I would probably put some time into thinking about it, talking about it with my wife/kids, etc. But if it happens out of the blue, totally up to them. In general I like the idea of wakes, I've been to several celebrations-of-life that would qualify. I do think it's meaningful for survivors to have a designated place/time of grieving and remembrance. But nothing too formal. Definitely pro-cremation, I haven't given any thought to ashes-scattering or anything.

"If I have sufficient advance notice of the impending event"

?

im officially serving you notice tipsy, youll be a corpse in the future a mhic im not sure where the confusion arose there, and sorry to break the news

Maybe he meant if he had time to reach his Sarco pod

lol I mean in relative proximity. I could come up with a whole plan now, but if I don't die for 30 years a lot of it will be out of date. Just the playlist, to start with!

One of my wife's uncles carried a little card in his wallet at all times with a periodically updated list of songs to be played at his funeral — a wish that was eventually granted.

Are pauper's graves still a thing? I want that, with no service.

― Hideous Lump, Tuesday, September 9, 2025 10:51 PM

In some places, yes - NYC being one. In other places, unclaimed bodies are held for the requisite number of days, then cremated. Then once a year, the ashes of all the unclaimed are committed - either interred in a cemetery or scattered in a cemetery typically. I attended the communal service a few months ago for Seattle. So you might not get out of some kind of service.

I hope to die in Japan so my wife/widow can organise one of those Japanese funerals with two rows of salarymen facing each other trying to think of something useful to say, like in Kurosawa's Ikiru. Other than that I couldn't care less.

Literally going through this now - my mother-in-law has terminal cancer and says she doesn't want a funeral. That has devastated my partner and other family members who would like something to celebrate her life. I think it's a bit of a cop-out to say who cares, I'll be dead. What you say or ask for will affect the well-being of loved ones, whether you're dead or not.

I don't like being the centre of attention and neither does my wife and this is the main reason we didn't hold a wedding, just went down to her hometown and registered. when I'm gone, though, I want everyone to make a big deal out of it and have a massive wake/party, I will not be there to be awkward and uncomfortable.

No funeral, but a cheerful wake/party would be ok. Gather up all of my booze collection that my daughter doesn't want, mix it with my ashes, and go fling the mud on any cybertrucks in town.

it's not that i don't care it's just that i don't want to dictate how other people choose to remember me. in that vein saying "no funeral" feels just as dictatorial as getting other people to listen to your chosen playlist tbh

Yes I think that's the right attitude. Let go, and let the survivors do what works for them.

The fashion for cheerful celebrations of life and the like seems faintly awful to me, like telling people in pain to "buck up, it's not so bad."

I would love to become a secular minister and specialise in funeral services. I can't imagine a more rewarding job than telling the world about how wonderful someone was and how much they would be missed, sharing a bit of their joy and their story with the world so they're remembered with love and fondness

Last year my father-in-law died without ever saying what he wanted for a funeral (he had a pretty aggressive form of cancer and died much quicker than anyone expected). After his death, there was a lot of debate and arguing amongst his 3 children about what he would have wanted for a funeral. I'd rather leave at least a pretty basic outline of what I want rather than just leave it to my wife/children to decide even if I don't really care much personally, it just makes the whole thing easier for them.

I think it's a bit of a cop-out to say who cares, I'll be dead. What you say or ask for will affect the well-being of loved ones, whether you're dead or not.

― Zelda Zonk

is it a copout to say "i dont want a funeral?"

concern for the person passing in terms of wanting to celebrate their life or follow the normal forms for doing so which doesnt take into account concerns for their actual expressed wishes is a funny set of concerns to me tbh

what I really want is a living wake!

My friend who died a few weeks ago tried to arrange a living wake when she found out she only had a few months left. Unfortunately her condition worsened almost immediately so it didn't come to fruition, but it sounded like it was going to be great fun (like a going-away party where the going-away is a bit more final, basically).

We had my mom cremated and interred in her family plot beside her parents and older sister, had a very informal gathering at graveside, then invited friends and relatives to a dinner at her favourite supper club. My mom thought funerals were the biggest racket going and didn’t want one, but my sister fucked up the dinner service and ‘we’ wound up spending double the estimate given by the club.

I think I’d like a memorial bench on Hampstead Heath in my name, if a cremains space in Highgate Cemetery proves too expensive. I like those benches - dear departed ilxor Liz D has one in the closest square to my flat, and a late ex-boyfriend has one in the woods where he walked his dogs, and there’s a dog’s water bowl built into the bench.

I would love to become a secular minister and specialise in funeral services. I can't imagine a more rewarding job than telling the world about how wonderful someone was and how much they would be missed, sharing a bit of their joy and their story with the world so they're remembered with love and fondness

Would you still love it when the person was not wonderful and didn't spread joy and maybe won't be missed very much, though?

I enjoy a challenge

For real though, I think if it were the terrible person who wasn't worth celebrating then it's much more reasonable that the brief will be "summarise their life and wrap it up by lunchtime" and you would go into that knowing exactly what was expected of you.

I think people are generally so fascinating and interesting, so many people do weird and exciting things you never hear about. I would love the preparation part where you sit with the family and just hear about the way they lived and figured out who they were.

We got Paul a memorial bench at Ally Pally. It gets graffitied sometimes, but the view is good.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend, Ailsa.

I would love the preparation part where you sit with the family and just hear about the way they lived and figured out who they were.

Yeah, I agree with this. And if the person wasn't great or the family isn't very forthcoming, you can concentrate on practical details like making sure the right people talk, and that tributes don't overrun, and so on.

A prominent crafter died in our town recently and apparently the church was an absolute riot of colourful crocheted garments. I'm not sure I'm big into that kind of jollity at a funeral. People should be sad and wear sad clothes.

I've got no instructions because it won't matter to me, I'll be dead. Funerals are for the living and I'll leave it up to whoever survives me to do what best pleases them.

― glug (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, September 10, 2025 2:09 AM (twelve hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

concern for the person passing in terms of wanting to celebrate their life or follow the normal forms for doing so which doesnt take into account concerns for their actual expressed wishes is a funny set of concerns to me tbh

― tuah dé danann (darraghmac), Wednesday, September 10, 2025 11:29 AM (three hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

This is interesting, I'm sympathetic to both perspectives.

My dad was estranged from his siblings and extended family when he died. Having to quickly organize his funeral & wake mostly by myself in my state of shock, with very little help from anyone except a couple of my mother's friends, was hell. Trying to assimilate everyone's wishes and then having to invite all these people into my house (because I'd moved in with him to help care). Absolute chaos. It felt like grief suppression.

Otoh, left to my own I probably would have finished grieving first, let the moment pass. Handle it when I felt good and ready. And then it would have been empty form instead of the roaring dumpster fire it was. A whimper instead of a bang. The wisdom of convention I guess was to do something loud while the feelings were still strong.

I think a smaller community... if we'd lived in a traditional village or something, where everyone just shows up and rallies around you and there's a less of a buden to make something happen, so you can deal with your feelings while being held by a community. That works, I don't know that the traditions are really suited to the way we live now.

My uncle (an undertaker): Do you want to be buried or cremated?
My nana: surprise me

My better half (on having to arrange his fathers funeral and navigate various familial needs): This is such a lot of stress. When it’s my time, just throw me in a hole in the ground.

I haven’t been to very many funerals in my life. I don’t really care about being buried or cremated but I’d like a ceremony, yeah. The funerals I have been to have been arranged with a great deal of care and attended by loved ones. I would like that for myself.

My wife and I are both pro-cremation. Her strongest stipulation is that, if she goes first, I must destroy all her art and never do anything with it after she's gone. Which is fair; I don't want anyone publishing my leftover scraps after I die.

I want to endow a chantry for priests to pray for my immortal soul to get out of purgatory.

I think a smaller community... if we'd lived in a traditional village or something, where everyone just shows up and rallies around you and there's a less of a buden to make something happen, so you can deal with your feelings while being held by a community.

yes its great in that aspect but its worth remembering that they also know pretty much everything about the business long done or newly unfinished of the deceased and those burying the deceased and what they dont know for sure they will happily make up and not to the benefit of anyone in or around the grave

ime

eh, I live in a village and couldn't even tell you the names of more than 3 people in the street I live in let alone village. the whole everyone knowing everyone elses business is way overstated at least in my experience. as far as funerals if I outlive my mum and aunt then I won't need one but would prefer to be cremated rather than buried.

_I think a smaller community... if we'd lived in a traditional village or something, where everyone just shows up and rallies around you and there's a less of a buden to make something happen, so you can deal with your feelings while being held by a community._

yes its great in that aspect but its worth remembering that they also know pretty much everything about the business long done or newly unfinished of the deceased and those burying the deceased and what they dont know for sure they will happily make up and not to the benefit of anyone in or around the grave

ime

We literally had one of those big funerals and in addition to the above you have to shake hands with everyone who turns up to gawk and feed them as well. Not sure where “less of a burden” comes in (to be clear it’s part of the social contract in rural Ireland, funerals have always been a two way street).

Not interested. None of my grandparents had funerals, my dad doesn’t gaf, my mom just wants a party.

I don’t care what they do I’d just hate for people to spend money on that crap

my aunt died recently and had one of those tv cremation deals, no funeral. her children haven't organised anything like a wake at all so her surviving siblings (inc my mum) have had nothing, which seems odd (they weren't even told for a week, found out on Facebook)

alternatively, i was at a memorial service on Saturday for a friend who died relatively young and suddenly and it was everything you'd want, 200 of your mates in a pub all afternoon saying nice things about you

Dunno if it's my token conservative view but I hate cremation, I do not want my last act on earth to be transforming into greenhouse gasses.

fwiw I'm pretty sure burial/embalming creates even more

where's Jaq to break this down for us? ;)

Yeah I don't like the embalming / varnished solid oak coffin thing either

Cremation and traditional burial have pretty equivalent environmental costs, with traditional or green/natural burials also tying up the land use for, I guess, eternity? Or until everyone forgets anyone is buried there.

In the US, all the crematory retorts in run on natural gas or diesel. There were plans for an electric retort to be installed here in Washington, but the guy decided to sell his company out to one of the two big funeral corporations and they cancelled the project.

In the EU, there are electric retorts and ones that run on biodiesel - both achieve lower temperatures than natural gas/diesel so each cremation takes longer. Kind of a toss up.

Natural burial with a hand-dug grave is the lowest direct environmental impact, but it can be difficult to find a location and then you've got all the transportation costs etc.

In the end, people should choose what feels right for them.

can't comment on other counties but there is masses of land in northumbrian forests, would prefer just to be ditched there.

theres nine billion ppl i dont know if the attitude is entirely consistent tbh

My dad always said he wanted to be left in the woods with a pork chop tied around his neck for the bears to eat him. I felt that was unfair to the bears honestly, they'd end up destroyed as human killers.

#mybodymychoice

Legally, once you're dead, your body becomes the property of your next of kin (or your agent, if you've named one). So really it's your body their choice.

yes its great in that aspect but its worth remembering that they also know pretty much everything about the business long done or newly unfinished of the deceased and those burying the deceased and what they dont know for sure they will happily make up and not to the benefit of anyone in or around the grave

i see what you mean

We literally had one of those big funerals and in addition to the above you have to shake hands with everyone who turns up to gawk and feed them as well. Not sure where “less of a burden” comes in (to be clear it’s part of the social contract in rural Ireland, funerals have always been a two way street).

i was thinking of e.g. rural Uganda, where aiui it’s your neighbors’ responsibility to make the arrangements and prepare meals for the mourners. but the social contract you mention is certainly also very ancient and widespread, so i shouldn’t have generalized.

i guess the more i think about it, having an entire village descend upon your household seems invasive either way, the most challenging thing for me was not having any private time when i needed it. i tend to like my solitude, though.

i do not want a funeral, btw. nice to know i’m not the only one.

Let go, and let the survivors do what works for them.

I'll leave it up to whoever survives me to do what best pleases them.

this puts the survivors in an awkward situation depending on what the community expects

anyway sky burial clearly best; compel someone to carry your corpse to the top of a mountain

Viking funerals are ahistorical and would be illegal everywhere AFAIK… but there’s no law against being cremated, putting your ashes on a little row boat and having people shoot flaming arrows at it.

― Lady Sovereign (Citizen) (milo z), Wednesday, September 10, 2025 4:34 AM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

after watching dead man this is for real what i want to happen, though i can live without the flaming arrows. make a little raft out of reeds and float my ashes down the colorado. if i'm lucky i'll end up in lake powell among good company buried there.

i'll tell everyone they have to listen to my favorite albums after that until sunrise or else i will be haunting them.

yes clearly there should be a site for funeral playlists

feel like they must be limited to CD length tho

and you can't include 'comfortably numb'

lol ok, as long as I get Charalambides "Into The Earth" I'm good

mine will alternate between slayer and wu-tang joints to harden up the living

mine would conclude with 'x-french tee shirt'

our entire 20+ yr marriage i’ve been seeding instructions to Mr Veg like “I want my headstone to play a gif of the little sister from Little House on the Prairie falling down the hill”
… “dont let anyone play any shit music … only music from MY playlist”
…”serve fried chicken”
etc etc

https://media.tenor.com/LpdAqkdZHFYAAAAM/little-house-on-the-prairie-run.gif

will there be skynyrd y/n

I should include some instruction so it won’t be a burden on someone trying to decide what to do.

I skipped a former friend’s funeral but it was messy and random and he would have appreciated that, and I gues I get that but it’s not for me

I’d like any memorial to be a comfort and blowing off of steam for anyone who cares to attend. celebratory would be ideal. I’d like my body to be attended to similarly, whatever is easily arranged and makes my friends and family feel assuaged.

if anyone in the future wants to really know, I do not feel like I’m a mystery so I’d like to leave a small bit of record so they know who I was, where I was, and my place in the world

If I go out in a dramatic way, I would like paid cryers and screamers to lay over a prop coffin and offer their deep sorrow

will there be skynyrd y/n

I will punish them with that “skynrd” new year eve performance from a few years ago, recorded off a bad partial YouTube video

If we’re lucky, someone was recording that time when I was singing louder than the karaoke people in Quebec doing national heroes Nickelback and I later feared they were going to beat my ass. Entire funeral party walks out in shame

fly high mh <3

Would attend any ILX post-life get together for the soundtracks tbh

I keep singing "do you want to build a snowman?" when I see this thread title.

So, this gentleman was a firefighter, and when he came into care, his body was accompanied by an honor guard of equipment and crews that spanned a quarter-mile on both sides of the street. It was just incredibly moving.

xp

Listen
(doo wah wah)
Do you want to have a funeral?

How about, next time they have to blow up a beached whale carcass, they strap me to the top?