What do you do when yr ex and best friend go out behind your back?

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first off... i'm sorry because this is about advice needed for a wounded lurker.

ok.

my boyfriend broke up w/ me about 2-3 months ago, refusing to speak to me or see me in the process because i think he was afraid of still having feelings for me. i still wanted to work w/ him and i still care about him even now. but now i find out that he's been talking w/ my best friend and has recently gone on a date w/ her. i guess it just started as asking for advice or something but now it is like they are closer to each other than i am to either of them. i confronted my friend about it and she blew it off as if she thought i was crazy for taking issue with it. i feel malicious and spiteful. do i have a bad friend? am i overreacting? i sort of want to fight them (or as you all say FITE!) but another part of me wants to convince myself that they died in an airplane crash and i have to get over it. errm.. ok that's it. sorry!

― digit, Tuesday, 3 December 2002 08:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Don't be malicious. It's understandable that you're angry, but maybe it's best if you just cut your losses and take a step away from a potentially ugly situation. It's not as easy as "How dare they?" -- they're people too, and I'm sure they feel guilty about what they're doing. They're not necessarily bad people, they're just looking for comfort and they don't have the willpower to say no when comfort (a convenient new relationship) presents itself.

Very likely this is a rebound fling, but as temporary as it is, they need to be together for the time being. So let them. Your ex is free to see other people, and you're not married to your friend.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 3 December 2002 09:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Jody Beth is right. Although if you've confided to the best friend anything about your problems in the former relationship and/or anything intimate you wouldn't want the guy to know you said about him, you have a right to be miffed and freaked out and embarrassed. It will pass.

Unfortunately, much as I hate to say it, you're probably minus a best friend as well as the ex. There's nothing quite so irritating as a friend having sloppy seconds (apart from 'friends' who find out who you like and REPEATEDLY make a beeline for that person before you work up the nerve to) and you're best off out of it.

― suzy (suzy), Tuesday, 3 December 2002 10:01 (twenty-two years ago)

you're not overreacting! this situation must be very hurtful. jbr is right in that they're not 'bad people', but this does not stop whats happened being very hurtful to you. while they are both free people, free to do what they want, they have made a decision about what is important to both of them. unfortunately for you, your feelings are not of primary importance to them, which, of course, can feel very much like a 'fuck you'. it isnt intended as such, they havent done this to hurt you, but they have done something they both knew would hurt you. how you deal with this information is tricky.

you need to get to the point where it doesnt matter whats happened, and you dont feel any hurt over it. but, for me, both those relationships would now be tarnished. not neccesarily ruined or anything, but they couldnt be the same as before

so, yes, i think its only natural to be hurt, i mean, these are things that matter to you, are important...

― gareth (gareth), Tuesday, 3 December 2002 10:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah this sucks, I have been there like many others... after all there are only so many potential sexual partners in the world. NO BLOODY EXCUSE though is it? Er, seriously, it is one of those 'time heals' situations, and you will probably come out of it looking (and feeling) a lot better if you don't act out too many of the hurt feelings you've got. It's a lonely thing, thinking that you have lost two intimate friends at one fell swoop. But it can turn into new, different friendships.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 3 December 2002 10:26 (twenty-two years ago)

At any rate I wouldn't accept a date with a close friend's most recent ex, especially if the friend in question was not the one to finish the relationship. I'd feel it was a breach of loyalty.

― suzy (suzy), Tuesday, 3 December 2002 10:47 (twenty-two years ago)

sigh, i forgot to say: thank you all, your posts are helping me settle down and not do something potentially destructive out of emotional instability. back to getting my head/heart/life together i suppose.....

― digit, Tuesday, 3 December 2002 10:48 (twenty-two years ago)

depends on the circumstances, it really does. in circumstances such as suzy describes, yes, it is a breach of loyalty and totally icky. ex is no good and 'friend' has proved untrustworthyness. once upon a time, i had a friend who made a POINT of sleeping with my exes, sometimes while i was still dating them, just to prove that she could. it was just a pissing contest, and i was a lot happier when she was out of my life.

however, there are other circumstances. i broke up with a boy, and almost immediately he started dating my best friend. i was upset, becuase previously we'd always done everything the three of us, and now suddenly i was excluded. they are still together, and happily married, ten years later. so...

― kate, Tuesday, 3 December 2002 11:45 (twenty-two years ago)

But they will never know the glories of J-Lu's ass.

― Nicole (Nicole), Tuesday, 3 December 2002 13:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Find a new best friend. I just can't see myself ever doing that to my mate, regardless of the situation - you just dont do that. If it was really my best best mate and I found I had feelings for her ex I like to think I'd speak to her about it before going behind her back.
I reackon this "they have made a decision about what is important to both of them. unfortunately for you, your feelings are not of primary importance to them" is pretty much OTM.
I know it seems horrible just now, losing 2 people at once but when one door closes another one usually opens, you may find your life changes for the better

― smee (smee), Tuesday, 3 December 2002 13:19 (twenty-two years ago)

...'friends' who find out who you like and REPEATEDLY make a beeline for that person before you work up the nerve to

Suzy, if you have any tastes for Dirty Dronerock Boys you have recently made the biggest mistake of your life...

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 3 December 2002 13:25 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah, sorry, should have clarified. it's the "going behind your back" bit that is the upsetting bit. friend who is now married to ex told me that she had feelings for the ex, and was honest about everything. hence why we are probably still friends. it really depends on the motivation of the friend, and how they go about it.

suzy need not worry as we've BOTH suffered from these horrible types of friends.... our taste in boys is so diametrically opposed that i really don't even see this being a problem. suzy has a thing for tall, blonde, posh, boarding school bowie casualties. i have a thing for dirty, dark-haired dronerock boys from rugby and/or the lower east side. until the day that sonic boom remakes The Man Who Fell To Earth, i don't really see any overlap...

― kate, Tuesday, 3 December 2002 13:39 (twenty-two years ago)

In what way are they going behind your back digit?

― Graham (graham), Tuesday, 3 December 2002 13:42 (twenty-two years ago)

i mean, do you really see suzy going for this:

http://thestrokes.ordinarypictures.com/axis5.jpg

?????

man, i've never found acne so attractive before. i think it's just the way that the photo angle makes him look like he's going down on someone. probably one of the guitarists...

― kate, Tuesday, 3 December 2002 13:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Graham, my friend basically told me she would have kept it a secret had i not confronted her about it. she was being "protective" of me or keeping me blissfully ignorant or something i guess which bothers me. i appreciate that at least she told the truth when i asked but it still seems so sneaky and vile.

― digit, Tuesday, 3 December 2002 14:02 (twenty-two years ago)

I was going to say that yes. I think the worst part is the not telling you. In any circle of friends it's a kick in the teeth to not get told something important like that, especially if everyone else knows, not sure if that's the case here. A similar thing happened me last summer, but my friend told me pretty much straightaway, the ex didn't want to tell me and I still hold that in the back of my head not as a grudge really but a small black mark maybe. I'm good friends with both now and I guess it was made easier for them by the fact I didn't really care too much at the time. If he hadn't told me so soon I think I would have responded very differently.

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 3 December 2002 15:15 (twenty-two years ago)

hey, i did this once! don't worry - as you have the moral high ground, everything works out ok for you in the end. the guy will (probably) end up losing both friends, leaving you and yr best friend to make up and carry on with yr lives. :-)

― ron (ron), Tuesday, 3 December 2002 16:02 (twenty-two years ago)

ps what about blond, dirty, prep-drone boys

― ron (ron), Tuesday, 3 December 2002 16:18 (twenty-two years ago)

i don't know if carrying on with the best friend is the best idea here. it definitely feels like a breach of loyalty to have your best friend date your ex right away -- when has a breakup ever been totally clean, you know?

― maura (maura), Tuesday, 3 December 2002 16:22 (twenty-two years ago)

It can depend on the surrounding circumstances. I had an ex who was dating my friend behind my back while the ex and I were still living together, and at the time our social group was very incestuous and everyone knew what was going on. It was really uncomfortable, and I felt almost as if all of my friends were turning against me because no-one seemed to think I was getting the shaft. However, said friend-dating-ex is now one of my loftmates almost ten years later, and neither of us see ex at all.
On the other hand, my GF used to date a good friend of mine, and when we started dating it was a bit weird, although I rarely saw the friend she used to date at that time. Now we've been together >2 yrs. and are going to her ex's birthday party tonight.
I guess that, once the initial weirdness goes away, everything can still be fine as long as people don't hold grudges and can be adults. I actually hang with my friend Brian (GF's ex) much more than I used to now that I'm dating his ex.

― webcrack (music=crack), Tuesday, 3 December 2002 16:38 (twenty-two years ago)

ps what about blond, dirty, prep-drone boys

the day that crispian mills moves in upstairs, then i'll start to worry.

― kate, Tuesday, 3 December 2002 16:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Um, I've had this happen to me twice, and it actually really sorted me out on both occasions. For me it would be a lot worse if an ex started going out with a complete tosser - at least I knew in both situations that the bloke that they ended up with after me (one couple are now married, one split up) would treat them well, and wouldn't be a complete twat to them.

― lol p xx, Tuesday, 3 December 2002 18:11 (twenty-two years ago)

go out with his best friend!

― Chris V. (Chris V), Tuesday, 3 December 2002 18:20 (twenty-two years ago)

How do you know they are actually going out with each other and not just hanging out?

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 3 December 2002 23:30 (twenty-two years ago)

You've learned a most valuable life-lesson: there are no such beings as "friends" (file the word under Easter Bunny) ----don't forget!

― Gregory Di prinzio (diprinzio), Thursday, 5 December 2002 19:03 (twenty-two years ago)

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