A poem i wrote, does it suck ?

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last winter we clung under white cotton sheets, like
the snow that grounds pine forrests

he was warm beside me
the crescent of his belly
where my hand would (could) fit
the nook of his shoulder
where my head would rest
the curve of his body
o'er me
the exhausted sleep
the twinned hearts
the stillness
to be protected;
to be loved

but desire fell scattershot, and snow does melt.

― anthony easton (anthony), Friday, 6 December 2002 15:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Err, "o'er me" sticks out like a pustulent thumb. Sorry, but _why_?

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Friday, 6 December 2002 15:39 (twenty-two years ago)

I agree. I like the rest of it (especially the first two lines), but unless you have a good reason for the archaism/want to draw attention to that word in particular...

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 6 December 2002 15:51 (twenty-two years ago)

I think "could" and "would" should be swapped. Because if something fits, then it obviously can, but whether this is exploited or not...

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Friday, 6 December 2002 15:54 (twenty-two years ago)

o'er seems to be used when a particular rhythm is needed (yeah, and olden times) - i agree that over would be better here. otherwise it's sweet - and i don't mean that in a 'dude' way. well, i guess maybe i do, but i don't ? it's pretty

― ron (ron), Friday, 6 December 2002 15:56 (twenty-two years ago)

I wonder whether this might not work better as a more formal sonnet: that would be the traditional form for this kind of sentiment, so that would give an extra complexity to the work.

― alext (alext), Friday, 6 December 2002 16:05 (twenty-two years ago)

how do i make a sonnet.

― anthony easton (anthony), Friday, 6 December 2002 17:07 (twenty-two years ago)

The blankish sonnet:

Last winter we clung under cotton sheets
like snow that grounds pine forests. He was warm
beside me: crescent belly, where my hand
could fit, would fit. Nook of shoulder where my head

would rest, curve of his body over me.
The twinned hearts and exhausted sleep,
stillness to be protected, to be loved --

[insert seven lines]

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 6 December 2002 17:29 (twenty-two years ago)

a
b
b
a

c
d
d
c

e
f
f
e

g
g

Rhyming, of course, is optional (cf. Nabisco).

― David R. (popshots75`), Friday, 6 December 2002 17:31 (twenty-two years ago)

it doesnt suck, anthony.

― donna (donna), Friday, 6 December 2002 17:34 (twenty-two years ago)

can you explain the letters, me stupid.

― anthony easton (anthony), Friday, 6 December 2002 18:04 (twenty-two years ago)

The letters would indicate which lines rhymed, if you chose to go that way.

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Friday, 6 December 2002 18:11 (twenty-two years ago)

(I think, anyhow...it's been so long since I studied this.)

I like the pome just the way it is anyhow, anthony.

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Friday, 6 December 2002 18:12 (twenty-two years ago)

anthony it's grate; you've even been smoking emily dickinson's would/could indecision weed!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Friday, 6 December 2002 18:15 (twenty-two years ago)

David's format for the sonnet is by no means the only one!

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Friday, 6 December 2002 20:06 (twenty-two years ago)

snow melts, rather than does melt?

― Queen G (Queeng), Saturday, 7 December 2002 08:28 (twenty-two years ago)

The first few lines have a very nice flow to them, and the last line kicks ass, but after "o'er me" it seems rushed and spread thin. Maybe try to elongate progressively the 3 lines before the last, which would give a more symmetrical, more conclusive ending.....just a thought...

― B, Saturday, 7 December 2002 08:48 (twenty-two years ago)

overall very good...forgot to add that...

― B, Saturday, 7 December 2002 08:50 (twenty-two years ago)

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