Craigslist hilarity

-------

=0 - HELP!!!!!!!!

So, hello..my name's Art. I'm in a bit of a spot here..I'm writing you from NYC. I moved here last Nov. to be with my girlfriend and well, the happened and now I'm moving back--which is very okay cause NY really really doesn't have the good flavor that the Bay Area does.

so i know it's really difficult and I've got a long shot in hell being that I'm way the hell out here and I can't use my charm on you, but...here's my situation: I will be in SF by or around the 13th of May (driving across)...I do have a few friends and a brother in town that I can call on in a last-ditch situation, but the quicker the better...I'm a trance dj originally based out of Santa Cruz and have lived in the Bay Area off and on for a while. It looks like i needed to move out here to really realize what i was missing. Um, I do not have a bunch of cash (maybe shouldn't tell you that..) but I am very responsible once I get cemented, I'm really really cool :] and I won't give you shit for being you. I'll be 29 in June, but my spirit's on a whole different timeline which means I don't take life too seriously and I do take it very seriously, if that makes sense to you.

I have opened back up connections with previous employers and have a few good options regarding getting work right away. Basically put, I can't offer you many of the prerequisite factors of a new rommate (butt load of cash for move-in costs, stability, etc...). What I can garauntee is a kick-ass roommate that does maintain all known factors (unless you're freaky in some way) of what a good roommate situation is.

Another possible situation is this: my best friend Robert (another dj) was originally going to meet me out here (he's in Fresno *gasp* now saving money) until NY proved to be only a shadow of what SF is and is now working his way to meet me in SF on June 1st. He also is as copecetic as me, both being very mellow guys, fun, sincere, very aware and reflective, responsible, and respectful. He, however has been planning for this for a while and does fulfill those other aspects of the new roommate equation (he got money) and we've left open the option of the plausibilty of sharing a room (-both of us are single [now]...he's bi and intermitent / I am very not interested for a long while). Basically, both of us are moving to SF (..were going to do this in NY) to bring to light our musical (and spiritual) culminations, both producing and performing within the underground scene starting with our first event June 30th in San Leandro. We are both from in and around the area and are very poised to bring very special events into being throughout the area (--if you're having 2nd thoughts with having djs in your home, let's get back to that "respectful" aspect...we understand and will work with you).

Third scenario (a short one): I am not financially all too stable right now/ Robert is..if I don't look good and both of us together can't work, please consider him for the room..he is really one of the absolute sweetest guys I've ever met (a humanic anomoly when compared to the general type of population). He has the money, a job, and I know you'll like him.

Well, that's our lot. If you've made it this far, either my writing's gotten better or you actually think we're cool.

ps..there is a picture of both of us attached. I'm on the left, he's on the top, the guy in the middle's Steve --he's the Knome king from Santa Cruz

so, I hope you're mulling this over in your head or at least thought it was interesting. Please contact either of us if there's a possibility with you or if you might know of someone else who's looking for roommates or if you (or someone else) has a closet or living room or garage or basement/washroom that shouldn't be housing someone but it would help your rent, we like that stuff...

Anywhichway, hope to hear from you of course but if not, i sincerely hope you're having fun here on Earth and try to remember what's it's really all about sometimes...

love, light, and walkabout-thinking

Art (djseek) spaceshipgaiacollective ++ theChiaroscuroProject__

Best of Craigslist

I mean, you just don't even want this kind of person in your general or even virtual vicinity, right?

Spencer (djseek) spaceshipgaiacollective ++ theChiaroscuroProject__

The contraction of 'you are' is 'you're,' not 'your.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-4129636@craigslist.org
Date: Mon Jun 3 10:12:13 2002

You're not trying to "peak" interest, you're trying to "pique" interest.

You're probably not looking for a "discrete" relationship, you philandering buttwipe, because you don't know what "discrete" means. You're looking for a "discreet" relationship.

One female human is a "woman," not a "women."

People who make these errors should not be having sex.

ROFFLE

Sounds like an ILXor at work here...

re: If I look 33 and feel 25, does it make me 29? ;) - 29 - 19
Reply to: anon-99741924@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-09-24, 6:20PM EDT

I am a guy!!!! To answer the headline question:
If I look 33 and feel 25, does it make me 29?
This question brings up many thoughts to this obviously bored individuals need for entertainment. So let’s begin shall we?

Ok it appears as though we have a syllogism here

If I look 33
and feel 25
does it make me 29?

So let’s take this argument and dissect its intent

If I look 33
And feel 25
Am I 29?

I think you see where I am going here as you probably realize that you cannot be 29 based on just feeling and looking an age. In fact, Age is based on a time construct created by man based on earthly rotation and revolutions around the sun. One ages in years based on these revolutions around the sun. So let’s take the argument again.

IF I look as though I have revolved around the sun 33 times
And feel as though I have only revolved 25 times
Did I revolve 29 times?

Now this argument is leaking worse then an Army engineered levee.

Conclusions, There is no possible way you can be 29 years old based on this argument.

Thanks for humoring me.
Oh I am 41, look 33, but feel 5, does that make me 19?

* this is in or around maybe

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/w4m/99741924.html

--------
Teach New Yorkers how to COOK!!!
Reply to: anon-100499675@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-09-28, 10:00AM EDT

Volunteer Positions in FoodChange’s Vegetable of the Month Club program

Community based nutrition education - Teach New Yorkers to enjoy cooking fresh vegetables in season

We invite culinary and nutrition education students and professionals and food enthusiasts in general to become VOM Volunteer Leaders and assist trained instructors in hands-on cooking based nutrition education workshops in New York City neighborhood organizations. Volunteers will be assigned to the same site every month. Sites may include food pantries, WIC agencies, public schools, senior centers, teen programs, community centers, parenting skill programs etc. and are located in all five boroughs.

Volunteers will:
1. Participate in a preliminary 4 hour volunteer training
2. Volunteer 2-3 hours each month in an assigned community based organization for a minimum of six months.
3. Assist workshop leaders in delivering the VOM™ workshops in a variety of capacities. Possible volunteer duties may include any of the following tasks:
 Collaborate with the workshop leader in planning the workshop
 Assist in presenting the workshop
 Evaluate and document VOM™ lessons and activities
 Support the teaching and reinforcement of food safety techniques
 Participate in VOM™ food shopping
 Assist in guided field trips
 Provide educational input and ideas for workshop participants
 Plan, oversee, and take part in integrated VOM™ activities
4. Maintain confidentiality of all workshop participants and agency clients in keeping with individual VOM™ agency rules. All volunteers are expected to maintain the highest standards of conduct and personal integrity when volunteering with agencies collaborating with the Vegetable of the Month Club™ and FoodChange.
5. FoodChange will provide free training, an opportunity to teach cooking skills, networking opportunity, community work, 3hrs/month or more volunteer experience, school credit.
6. If interested, please contact Jennifer Prissel at 212-894-8070 or jprissel@foodchange.org.

* this is in or around All boroughs...
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

100499675

The Learning Annex needs rock n' roll closers for its seasonal outbound marketing campaign.

Sell tickets!
Make CRAZY Commissions ($100-$200 PER DAY)!
Get excited by our dynamic environment!
WEEKLY TOP SELLER GETS $500 BONUS!!!!

EMAIL YOUR RESUME OR STOP BY

The Learning Annex
48 West 37th Street, 7th floor
Between 5th and 6th ave.
WALK IN INTERVIEWS MON - FRIDAY 1-3 PM

We're moving fast so get on board before all our slots fill up. BE PREPARED TO START IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!

* no -- Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
* no -- Please, no phone calls about this job!
* no -- Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
* no -- Reposting this message elsewhere is NOT OK.

101099142

Reply to: pers-345974✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-06-06, 4:24AM EDT

Dear Catherine-

When I offered to buy you a drink, I was only being polite. I'm not that into you. Frankly I was surprised when you accepted, since you had a half full glass in your hands.

So where did you go? What the fuck am I supposed to do with a glass of Bud Light? I don't drink that shit beer.

You suck.

Location: lexington
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

p.s. I love you

uh..

http://greenville.craigslist.org/mis/340111857.html

seeking any woman with a garage - 33

Reply to: pers-386221✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-07-31, 1:09PM HST

I recently ended a relationship with a wonderful woman, we just were not meant for each other. I am seeking a new relationship with a woman with a nice garage. The garage does not have to be enclosed, but must have plenty of lockable storage. A workbench would be nice with good lighting too. I live in town, so the garage would need to be located near UH. The girl will need to have a sense of humor to be able to put with my odd sense of humor. I am open to any race, ages 22-45, perfer thin to average, and physical beauty, but less attractive women need to make up for it in "garage".

To alleviate your curiosity, I will now describe myself. White, male, 33, 5'10", exercise regularly, modestly attractive, fun to be around.

I thought i would give CL a try since I keep meeting women who live in condos. Mahalo for reading my listing.

less attractive women need to make up for it in "garage".

Awesome.

Is "nice garage" a euphemism.

nice workbench

i like to think of this as the guy's idea of "the full spectrum of acceptable garages":

http://images.craigslist.org/010101010208010409200707314e3c5586fa4a68109e00b09e.jpg http://images.craigslist.org/010112010212010402200707312cece8a6d5f5a53014007289.jpg http://images.craigslist.org/01010201020501040620070731099eed4228d98562640051b5.jpg

what is that minimalist faggotry on the right

Frank Lloyd Wrights shed?

how hot would you have to be if that were your garage?

The small/low res image makes it look like an idea someone had for leftover fiberboard and 2x4s.

man that first garage is making me hard.

Greetings,

Our apartment building has been a veritable revolving door over the past few months (thanks in part due to the excessively permissive flexible leasing system instituted by our notoriously spaced-out landlord) and our apartment has been no exception. Our current roommate, a nice beefy self-proclaimed hillbilly from the Twin Cities and a die-hard Cubs fan to boot (which naturally fueled malicious little one-liners from my former naturalized Southsider tendencies) is moving in with his long-standing girlfriend (who, mercifully, is a die-hard White Sox fan) following the dictates of Cupid which thankfully won over a frankly trivial raging century-old intra-city rivalry.

Of course, considering the fact that White Sox won the big one in 2005 while the Cubs have been . . . .

Never mind. Cubs fans know the facts very well while Sox fans would have used arguments along similar lines several, several times in the past, particularly in the wake of the Sox' misfortunes this season.

(Hmm. This is worrisome. I'm a Southsider purely by academic vocation only and don't really know baseball that well. Yet I talk the talk. I'll confess to not being wholly capable of walking the walk)

However, back to the main intentions of this post. The apartment is a spacious unit with three bedrooms, a basement, two bathrooms, a large backyard, a large kitchen and a living room area. The apartment is situated around 5 blocks away from the Six Corners and is on North Avenue.

The dramatis personae who currently inhabit this financially serendipitous piece of real estate are currently three in number.

One is a nice little 24-year-old blonde girl from Iowa who used to attend Columbia College and now intends to pursue academic interests in forensics (which I shall maintain to my dying day is the result of too much CSI). She has a big scaredy-cat of a dog who is probably one of the frendliest mutts for blocks around. Nobody who has crossed this threshold (save the landlord, strangely enough) has ever been greeted by anything other than a vigorous wag of the tail and a friendly "smile" on his face, as the little blonde girl puts it. Do not mess with the little blonde girl. She might be tiny and almost always alternate between sleepy and sweet. But, be warned, she listens to Rancid and Drop Kick Murphys, is tattooed (well, ONE tattoo) and will mess you up in extremely diabolical ways if you feel the need to be a jerkwad.

The second character is the aforementioned dog. He's neutered and he knows it. He will also fetch you one of his toys (once he gets to know you better), hold it tantalizingly just beyond your grasp and then run at top-speed into the little blonde girl's room where he shall energetically chew it every time he espies you after this baiting incident. You have been warned. DO NOT FALL PREY TO HIS TEMPTATIONS. BRING YOUR OWN TOYS TO CHEW ON.

The third character (and almost certianly the most minor in the roll) is a 23-year-old boy from a magical land far, far away. He's an aspiring economist, a wannabe investment banker, a graduate student at a smarty-pantsy university in town and purveyor of all good things literary, culinary, cinematic and musical. He's a vegetarian, usually smarter than a doorknob, frequently complimented by mothers of winsome young lasses to be a good-looking boy, easy-going enough to be a pushover without being a punching bag and is currently struggling with a newfound discovery that he has inexplicably and unprecedentedly become very, very shy around girls. He has no explanations or deductions about this. Applications for, ahem, things OTHER than the room in the apartment will be gladly accepted and be duly processed expeditiously by the boy. Since he's single, he will PERSONALLY give you big, BIG bonus points if the prospective applicant has hot, fun-loving and flexible FEMALE friends. His mannerisms are often British (though he's not), smart and world-wise and will insist that certain words must necessarily be written a certain way, Microsoft Word US Edition be damned.

This boy is currently the writer of this post.

Still with us? Good. Well, qualifications for prospective applicants are:

1. Pretty please with a cherry on top be in our age range (which would approximately be around 20 - 26 years of age in human years). This means that people who whistle and wittle twigs into fanciful representations of Lyndon B. Johnson as they "remember" him or people who need fake IDs to get into bars and clubs and still have the smell of high school lockers on them would be politely spoken to and firmly refused any further consideration.

2. Pretty please be clean, hygenically repronsible, a frequent washer of one's own plates and cutlery, financially responsible and suitably well-rounded and tolerant. We occasionally watch soap operas for the hot chicks (well, the boy does) but we would prefer it if we don't end up in one with a significantly less attractive and less wealthy cast of characters (once again, this is all from the boy).

3. It is generally preferable if you are the owner of a bed for your room (and a big point in your favour if you are the owner of a television and a stereo, adds the boy, so that he can play acid jazz and soothing lounge music on the stereo and watch fanciful foreign films with bad subtitles on the other).

4. The little blonde girl has said that she will be more open to female roommates than she was before. So, the little blonde girl has one bonus point for you if you're a non-bitchy female. The boy is unconcerned about the gender of the applicant as long as the applicant has hot, fun-loving and flexible FEMALE friends.

5. Bonus points if you're a student and are still financially stable. Double bonus points if you know and appreciate the arts, cinema and music in particular. Triple bonus points if you have a sense of humour.

This advertisement is being published a WHOLE MONTH IN ADVANCE (the place will be available by September 2007) because the last time we ran an advertisement on Craigslist, we were swamped by over a hundred applications, which we assume would be due to:

a. The conducive location of the apartment. The apartment is in one of the nicer neighborhoods in the city peopled by many interesting people and is strategically located close to grocery stores, convenience stores, Blue Line stations and bus stops.

b. The ridiculous cheapness of the place (considering the neighborhood) without the inhabitants being similarly so. The landlord of the place is accomodating, friendly, slightly mad and very flexible with the lease. A security deposit of $400 would be required and all utilities will be shared.

However, unlike last time, no telephone numbers would be provided here for you to call. A correspondence with detailed information about the applicant is deemed absolutely necessary (please take note of the amount of detail WE are providing you about us. Appreciate that and reciprocate. This would be one basic quality we are looking for in our prospective roommate), appointments will be booked (and hopefully maintained), viewings will be scheduled and finally, a telephone number will be provided just so that you don't get lost while looking for the place.

A decision will be made in consultation with the landlord (WHO WILL NOT BE MEETING YOU) and you shall be informed via email about the decision. If you're selected, you will receive information as to whether you could move in any time earlier than September (which is entirely possible, thanks to the urgency that Cupid inspires in young people) and any other relevant updates that you should know.

Peace out, ladies and laddies.

i'm probably still gonna email them

I wish he would try harder to sound smart.

i'm just telling myself that a lot of my good friends and i assume i myself sound pretty annoying on livejournal. pretty sure there are a couple study abroad u's up in that novel though ugh

enjoy living with ian riese-moraine.

the man

's pubic hair

https://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/act/d/wanted-woman-who-wants-to/6256316306.html

Wanted woman who wants to conceive child during totality eclipse in OR (concord / pleasant hill / martinez)

I am 40 years of age, caucasian male from Europe. My heritage is strong and pure.

My looks, instincts, knowledge and strength is 100% pure and 100% lethal.

I am looking for a worthy female with strong genes, beauty and smarts. To join me - to experience the totality eclipse in Oregon.

Exact place not set.

If we have chemistry, I would like for us to make love while the eclipse is happening.

When totality occurs, we will have simultaneous orgasms and we will conceive a child that will be on the next level of human evolution.

We will make love together, with me and my penis directed towards the sun.
Everything will be aligned in the local universe.
Both of our cosmic orgasmic energy will be aligned with the planets.

In a brief moment of ecstasy, we will understand everything, and together, create a new universe. Full of love...

You must like cats. Drugs are OK. Nitrous Oxide while we climax and experience totality and conception, is OK with me.

I just.

Can we change the name from "Craigslist" to "Here Be Crazy"?

lol whut

and...nitrous?

commercial with a crazy person failing to direct his erection toward the eclipsed sun >>> elderly man and woman in pre coital spa day

If he's gonna be waving that thing at the sun there probably isn't going to be any conception happening.

they said solar sex would never overtake coal mine sex bc you have to track the sun

http://bc.ctvnews.ca/prank-intimate-encounter-ads-sending-people-into-strangers-homes-1.3538819

US Congress just passed HR 1865, "FOSTA", seeking to subject websites to criminal and civil liability when third parties (users) misuse online personals unlawfully.

Any tool or service can be misused. We can't take such risk without jeopardizing all our other services, so we are regretfully taking craigslist personals offline. Hopefully we can bring them back some day.

To the millions of spouses, partners, and couples who met through craigslist, we wish you every happiness!

Wow

The whole bill has major ripple effects for Net Neutrality and independent message boards.

Hard to imagine Tinder and OKCupid surviving this, I think, based on sex workers moving further to those platforms as theirs disappear.

yeah this is bad on multiple levels

SESTA/FOSTA is already having a chilling effect on sex workers' ability to discuss their work online, putting any attempt at organizing or harm reduction in serious jeopardy. https://t.co/MIll9q6OFe

— Lower Manhattan DSA (@DSA_L_Manhattan) March 22, 2018

It's reminiscent of the Patriot Act. Members of Congress are stuck in a bad situation -- what, they're going to vote *against* the Patriot Act / *for* sex trafficking? And also in the sense that the bill is only getting real publicity now that is has passed.

It’s probably flagrantly unconstitutional in some respect, right?

sorta like drone wars

I suppose it’s easier to litigate the first amendment than drone wars

Next step after Craigslist shutting down dating related to ^^:

And Backpage is gone.

This is a genuinely terrifying day for anyone who relied on Backpage & Cracker to connect with potential clients.

This move specifically impacts low-income trans, queer and POC sex workers - the workers most at risk of abuse, who most NEED these spaces.

— 🎮 Lucie Bee 🎮 (@theluciebee) April 6, 2018

https://littlerock.craigslist.org/zip/d/full-size-wax-figures-dressed/6565221626.html
https://images.craigslist.org/00P0P_dHAVTwGXEPA_600x450.jpg
Looking to get rid of 40 full-sized wax figures in Amish wardrobe. They're simply taking up too much space.

Varying sizes, ages and details on these figures.

There are 5 female figures, 3 children figures, about 32 male figures and 1 dog. Five of the men and the dog are mechanical. The parts are removable and some are disassembled but can be assembled for viewing.

Was hoping to sell these but it would really just be helpful to get them out of my shop.

Text or call any time. Willing to help with delivery

https://littlerock.craigslist.org/zip/d/human-sized-steel-cage/6565214946.html
Human Sized Steel Cage (West Little Rock)
https://images.craigslist.org/00r0r_1rFMY1Fust3_600x450.jpg
Whoever texts or calls with the best potential use for this cage will get it free of charge.
(don't be timid)

It is 6'1'' tall by 4x4 base

welded steel

extremely sturdy

approx 200 Lbs

2 people can easily move it

I am willing to deliver or assist in loading it up

shoot me a text

"There are 5 female figures, 3 children figures, about 32 male figures and 1 dog. Five of the men and the dog are mechanical. The parts are removable and some are disassembled but can be assembled for viewing.
...
― andrew m., Thursday, April 19, 2018 4:20 PM (sixteen minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink"

WWT crowd filler?

maybe the children figures could be allowed at an all-ages show

Little Rock? Get on it PP!

thread is crushing it

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/hou/6565526716.html

Well that was a fine thing to read first thing in the morning. Lol that was hilarious!!

outstanding

https://littlerock.craigslist.org/mat/d/have-nice-franch-doors-250-obo/6738611879.html

I have a nice franch doors

actually i've priced new franch doors and 250 ain't bad atoll

call me vince

you'll be best off if you do

inside of a slot machine it's too dark to read

https://littlerock.craigslist.org/ele/d/conway-inside-of-slot-machine/6770230281.html

https://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/zip/d/los-angeles-free-embalming-fluid/6779896145.html

FREE EMBALMING FLUID (Los Angeles)

The guy on Reddit over-estimated how much I'd need for my Mom and her Pomeranian, so I have six quarts of leftover embalming fluid. It's currently at my life-coach's in Beaumont, so I'll need at least 48 hours advance notice. Willing to trade the very well preserved Pomeranian for a hammock. If interested in just the fluid, text or email a photo of Don Garlits. If interested in just the Pomeranian, text or email a trade offer, along with a photo of Artis Gilmore. If interested in both the fluid and the Pomeranian, text or email an offer, along with a photo of Dino Stamatopoulos. Serious replies only.

"I tried using this dishwasher you sold me and it smashed all my dishes and glassware to bits. Something's wrong with it"

https://washingtondc.craigslist.org/nva/app/d/falls-church-dishwasher-miele-like-new/6786417587.html

no thanks

Large music library looking for safe, secure, long term home. Senior rock and roll drummer (without a set!) Also seeking a place to call home. Together would be nice but the library is in storage and I want to get it out. Willing to pay some rent, and share the resource. Interested in starting a music appreciation program also. Music is best when shared.

https://i.redd.it/mr7etpcgenn61.jpg

slim yogurt pant

pulitzer worthy

Pittsburgh's James Joyce.

chris (simpsons artist)

SBARROS

https://minneapolis.craigslist.org/ank/zip/d/anoka-mn-twins-paul-molitor-3000-hit/7652317880.html

StarTribune poster of Paul Molitor's 3,000 hit. Not mint. Some wrinkles from damage during a move. 24" X 18".
I am selling most of my MN Twins items here.
Health issues are forcing me to begin to liquidate my estate.
I know my family will not abide by my final wishes, so I am
trying to sell here.
If something were to happen to me, my family would simply back a U-Haul up to the door, toss EVERYTHING into boxes, and haul it to Goodwill.
After that they will have a party and dance on my grave.
**MINIMUM 24 HOUR NOTICE FOR P/U.

HOW have I never seen "Pittsburgh's James Joyce" before today? Dying.

I hope he was able to taste her hair and bobs and buy her a meal at Arby's on McKnight Road.

"slim yogurt pant"

this is one of the creepiest/weirdest CL posts i've seen, in the "free stuff" section:

https://washingtondc.craigslist.org/nva/zip/d/falls-church-free-home-repairs/7676945091.html

Free home repairs (Falls church)

If are a plus size women over 45 I will do your home repairs for free. Please live with in 10 miles of Falls Church.

(like, uh, why?)

Saw you shopping wearing a one-piece zipper front fuzzy Christmas adult PJ sleeper in public. You passed me twice in the store. I mentioned I liked the look and you missed me saying I wish I was as brave to wear mine. Yours fit real nice and I wondered if you were chilled in them or had Longjohns or what under them. Almost looked like a diaper or just the way you were rushing about. You were like a kid in them and made my Christmas eve brighter. Thank you and feel free to comment. Happy Holidays to all.

Goodwill eyes (Great Barrington)

You swiftly bought a cool bike- then held the door open for me as I walked out with a tote of goods, we locked eyes.. yours had stars and I felt something more than two strangers normally would in a moment so fleeting. I hope to see you again someday, message me if you feel the same :)

Goodwill eyes is such a great name for a song. or album. or movie. or something.