The Onion: Your Favorite Headlines

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We all know about The Onion, right? What are your favorite Onion headlines or stories or STATshots etc.?

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 19:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Mine...

"Ritalin Cures Next Picasso"

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 19:38 (twenty-two years ago)

From Our Dumb Century...

"Latest Dirigible Accident Prompts Safety Officials To Call For Less Hydrogen, Fire, Cloth In Airships."

― Andy, Wednesday, 11 December 2002 19:45 (twenty-two years ago)

"Area Bassist Fellated"

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 19:51 (twenty-two years ago)

he he he...I remember that one, brother-in-Nickness, it made me miss playing bass.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 19:53 (twenty-two years ago)

"Unattractive Man 'Like a Brother' to Area Woman"

― mike a (mike a), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 19:55 (twenty-two years ago)

'Sex Had'
'Man Accidentally Ends Business Call With "I Love You"'
'Bosses Dick Not Going To Suck Itself'
Editorial entitled 'Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My cock?'
The story about the 30 litre bottle of Coke introduced solely 'as a display of corporate might'.
Many others.

― Ferg (Ferg), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Trophy Wife Mounted

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Israelis, Palestinians Sign "Screw Peace" Accord

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Owls Are Assholes

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:16 (twenty-two years ago)

Clinton Found Alive

Clinton Vetoes "Stab Clinton" Bill

Notorious B.I.G. Cremation Enters Third Week

Little Indonesian Kid Loves To Volunteer

& the all time best:

Mothership Descends On Hootie Concert By Accident

― DV (dirtyvicar), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:20 (twenty-two years ago)

HAHAHAHAHA No the best one in that vein: Clinton To Drop Da Bomb On Iraq.

The picture of the protester with a sign saying "No Blood For Funk!" with the opposing one saying "SADDAM NEEDS TO GIVE UP THE FUNK"

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:24 (twenty-two years ago)

can't forget these three greats from November 2001:

Nader Vote, Voter Wasted
Clinton Declares Self "President For Life"
McVeigh Urges Calm

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:29 (twenty-two years ago)

best recent one (article too): "Just Wait 'Til I Get These Fucking Rubber Bands Off," by Freddie the Lobster

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:29 (twenty-two years ago)

and from Our Dumb Century: "HOLY SHIT! Man Lands on Fucking Moon!"

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:30 (twenty-two years ago)

and my all-time favorite, which I am still convinced was based on my life:

Local Girlfriend Still Hasn't Seen Apocalypse Now

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:31 (twenty-two years ago)

from 1974:
Nixon Ordered to Hand Over 8-Track Tapes
Content of Tapes Linked to Washington Post by Anonymous Source Known as 'Deep Purple'
Nixon to Be Fined One Penny for First Eight Tapes Not Turned in, $4.95 for Each Subsequent Tapes

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:36 (twenty-two years ago)

I like this week's "Bush Gives France 30 Days To Speak English."

One of my all-time favorites is: "Amish Give Up". "'This is bullshit,' say elders."

― die9o (dhadis), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Still like "World's Largest Metaphor Hits Iceberg"

― Chris Barrus (xibalba), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:38 (twenty-two years ago)

'Chicken Dies'

― Ferg (Ferg), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:39 (twenty-two years ago)

"Mr T Announces Plans To Pity Fool"
"Coffee Shop Encounter Results In Conversation, Cunnilingus"

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:52 (twenty-two years ago)

"New Ted Nugent Cologne tested on 'Every Goddamn Animal We Could Find'"

"Massive Oil Spill Results In Improved Wildlife Viscosity"

Point Counterpoint: The Space Program...

"According To This Article In The Economist, NASA Is An Industrial Subsidy In Disguise"

vs.

"Ooh Look At Me! I'm Reading The Economist!"

― robster (robster), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 21:13 (twenty-two years ago)

"Ironic Porn Purchase Leads to Unironic Ejaculation"

― cprek, Wednesday, 11 December 2002 21:19 (twenty-two years ago)

"Marilyn Manson Now Going Door To Door In An Attempt To Scare People"

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 21:31 (twenty-two years ago)

"Alzheimer's Sufferers Demand Cure For Pancakes"

― mark p (Mark P), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 21:35 (twenty-two years ago)

"God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back to All His Niggaz"

"National Funk Congress Deadlocked On Get Up/Get Down Issue"

Also I must say how fortunate I feel to get free paper copies of the Onion every week, nothing like the real thing.

― Jordan (Jordan), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 21:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Almost forgot:
Point: U.S. Out Of My Uterus
Counterpoint: We Must Deploy Troops To Jessica Linden's Uterus Immediately...

― cprek, Wednesday, 11 December 2002 22:01 (twenty-two years ago)

"Top Cute"

"Soviet Space Program Ahead in Dog-Killing Race"

"Hippies Celebrating 'Fuck-Summer '67'"

"Area Man's Blood Runs Cold After Harrowing Centerfold Sighting"

"Why Do People Laugh After I Do Something Funny?" by Ralph Malph

Point Counterpoint: Bears
"Whoooooo! Bears!" by Bob Bratzke, Bears Fan
vs
"Aaaaaggh! Bears!" by Dan Turpin, Bears victim

― Richard Copping (avoid80), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 22:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Kid Rock Starves To Death: MP3 Piracy Blamed
Death Star To Open Day Care Center
DEA Chief: Winners Occasionally Use Drugs

― Vinnie (vprabhu), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 22:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh, of course, the new all-time classic:

"Guy From Strokes Accused Of Trying To Look Like Guy From Strokes"

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 22:57 (twenty-two years ago)

"Aging Gen Xer No Longer Interested In Stupid Ironic Crap" or something like that, that was the funniest story.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 23:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh! "Totally Hot Chick Also Totally Psycho!"

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 23:03 (twenty-two years ago)

"Entrepreneur takes big risk with L.A. bookstore"
"Phone sex ad masturbated on for zero cents a minute"
"School bully not so tough after being molested"
"Ebert victorious"

― donut bitch (donut), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 23:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh yeah.. "Ironic porn purchase leads to unironic orgasm"

― donut bitch (donut), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 23:14 (twenty-two years ago)

"You Know Something? I Think That Stripper Likes Me"

― DV (dirtyvicar), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 23:15 (twenty-two years ago)

what's the onion?

― dwh (dwh), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 23:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Casual One-Nighter Gives Strom Thurmond Change of Heart on Gay Issue
Revolutionary New Insoles Combine Five Forms of Pseudoscience
Video-Game Characters Denounce Randomly Placed Swinging Blades

...but yes, "Area Bassist Fellated" still wins for its sheer economy and specificity.

― Douglas, Wednesday, 11 December 2002 23:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Local Girlfriend Still Hasn't Seen Apocalypse Now

The O.G. to the dreaded Chick Music Primer thread, too.

― Daniel_Rf (Daniel_Rf), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 23:39 (twenty-two years ago)

"Monkey Supercollider Cancelled By Congress"

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 23:45 (twenty-two years ago)

"Doctors Find New Way to Prolong Meaningless Existence"

― , Thursday, 12 December 2002 00:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Point - Counterpoint:

"An Informed Electorate is Necessary for a Functioning Democracy"
vs.
"Dixie Chix Fever Sweeps America!"

― llamaskool, Thursday, 12 December 2002 00:09 (twenty-two years ago)

"EBERT TRIUMPHANT"

― Joe (Joe), Thursday, 12 December 2002 00:56 (twenty-two years ago)

WA-

(story continued on page 2)

― Al Ewing (Al Ewing), Thursday, 12 December 2002 01:45 (twenty-two years ago)

"Nonconformity Linked to Peer Pressure"

― rat, Thursday, 12 December 2002 02:06 (twenty-two years ago)

"6-Year-Old Announces Plans To Become Ballerina Gymnast Veterinarian Horseback-Riding Princess"

"134-Year-Old Man Attributes Longevity To Typographical Error"

― A Nairn (moretap), Thursday, 12 December 2002 03:10 (twenty-two years ago)

What was the great one about the Japanese exchange student being quirky?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 12 December 2002 03:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Dude, seriously, there are too many. From the current edition: (Editorial) "I didn't mean to lead you on by fucking you".

― Nicole (Nicole), Thursday, 12 December 2002 05:17 (twenty-two years ago)

'Nation In Love With Girl Who Works In Record Store'

― jm (jtm), Thursday, 12 December 2002 05:39 (twenty-two years ago)

"EDITORIAL: "WE MUST STRIKE NOW WHILST ENGLAND IS WEAK""

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 12 December 2002 09:00 (twenty-two years ago)

There's No 'My Kid Has Cancer' In Team

Dildo Washed

New Cambodian Barnes & Noble: Will It Threaten Cambodia's Small Book Shops?

― weatheringdaleson (weatheringdaleson), Thursday, 12 December 2002 10:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Skipping 63 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

My really truly favorite was the editorial they used to have up called "I Like All Kinds of Music." It's not there anymore, but take my word for it. It was a thing of beauty.

― NA (Nick A.), Saturday, 15 May 2004 04:58 (twenty-one years ago)

From 'Our Dumb Century' in the early 70s:

'Cambodia Switches to Skull-Based Economy'

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Saturday, 15 May 2004 05:01 (twenty-one years ago)

My favorite item in the Onion ever was a small article that ran on page 2 about an abortion clinic that had been besieged by protesters, wherein Superman would be upholding women's constitutional rights by performing abortions with his heat vision until doctors could be brought in to resume normal operations. That was in my first issue of the Onion, back in about 1993. The damn paper hasn't provoked a belly laugh from me in the last decade, but I still read it faithfully for the AV Club and the ads.

― Chris F. (servoret), Saturday, 15 May 2004 06:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Tee-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game in Special Olympics

Area Cat Speed-Dials Man's Ex-Grilfriend

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Saturday, 15 May 2004 22:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Perky 'Canada' Has Own Government, Laws

― Evanston Wade (EWW), Sunday, 16 May 2004 00:27 (twenty-one years ago)

From John Kerry infograph:

"John F. Kerry: More than just a big cock and a nice ass."

"Kerry: A voice of reason who's killed, like, 20 dudes."

"John Kerry: Certainly not worse"

― de, Tuesday, 18 May 2004 00:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Melon balled

― Enrique (Enrique), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 07:58 (twenty-one years ago)

[w/ pic of empty beer cans]

Taste Acquired

― Enrique (Enrique), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 07:59 (twenty-one years ago)

I think I'm the only one who finds the "Ask A Refrigerator Instruction Manual"-type columns funny.

the best one was "ask a foxtrot collection."

― J.D. (Justyn Dillingham), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:09 (twenty-one years ago)

one year passes...

Father Doesn't Understand Teenage Son's Obsession With Classic Rock

― Billy Dods (Billy Dods), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 18:36 (nineteen years ago)

I always liked the abortion point counterpoint.
"Life Begins at Conception"

vs.

"Life begins at forty!"

― deej.. (deej..), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 18:56 (nineteen years ago)

Local Sales Rep Hanging In There, Can't Complain.

― schwantz (schwantz), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 19:25 (nineteen years ago)

Metal Council Convenes To Discuss 'Metal Hand Sign' Abuse

Point Counterpoint: You The Man vs No, You The Man

Killing Wheelchair-Bound People With Missiles Is Justifiable If They're Terrorists
vs
Killing Wheelchair-Bound People With Missiles Is Awesome

Also, the link above is broken now, so here's the new link to Holy Fucking Shit

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 19:41 (nineteen years ago)

"Dog Lovers Demand to Know Who's Been a Good Boy"

― Dave will do (dave225.3), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 19:42 (nineteen years ago)

point counter point headlines are often hilarious:
"I want to be a fireman"
vs.
"I want to be a 6 year old girl"

― peter in montreal (spaces are allowed), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 19:45 (nineteen years ago)

"Detroit burnt down for the insurance money."

― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 19:53 (nineteen years ago)

"Optimists half full of shit"

― Black Arkestra (Black Arkestra), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 20:10 (nineteen years ago)

"Heroic pit-bull travels 2,000 miles to attack owner"

"U.S. Military ordered to pull out of small, Vietnamese peasant girl. 'That's enough now boys', says Captain."

"Clinton escapes through air vent"

― darin (darin), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 20:40 (nineteen years ago)

Can't believe no one mentioned this one:

European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American men

vs.

American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy

― Ash (ashbyman), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 20:52 (nineteen years ago)

Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell
'We Expected Eternal Paradise For This,' Say Suicide Bombers

September 26, 2001 | Issue 37•34

TWO WEEKS after 9/11!

― Cracks (Crackity), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 20:54 (nineteen years ago)

Not a headline, from the coverage immediately following Katrina:

Radio stations still in operation are advising store owners and white people in the affected areas to locate firearms in sporting-goods stores in order to protect themselves against marauding blacks looting gun shops.

― viborgu, Tuesday, 28 February 2006 20:54 (nineteen years ago)

Heh, took me a minute to realise what was going on there.

― Cracks (Crackity), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 20:58 (nineteen years ago)

"Latest Bin Laden Tape For Completists Only"

― Jena (JenaP), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 20:59 (nineteen years ago)

I've repped for the "Heroic Pitbull" before. The photo makes it even better.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/onion_imagearticle231.jpg

Cos somehow the dog looks so pleased with itself.

― Raw, Uncompromising, and Noodly (noodle vague), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 21:00 (nineteen years ago)

Jenna Bush's Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open For Public Drilling
http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_imagearticle599.jpg

― Stephen X (Stephen X), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 21:14 (nineteen years ago)

Can't believe no one mentioned this one:
European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American men
vs.
American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy

-- Ash (ashbyma...), March 1st, 2006 7:52 AM. (later)

Point: European Men are so much more romantic
Counterpoint: Female US exchange students are so easy

-- Dave B (REMOVETOREPLYdave.boyl...), December 12th, 2002 9:46 PM.

― S- (sgh), Wednesday, 1 March 2006 02:56 (nineteen years ago)

Hahah this new one is good:

Copy Editor's Revenge Takes Form Of Unhyphenated Word

BOSTON—Bruce Huntoon, a copy editor at Pilot magazine, intentionally did not correct the copy of columnist Justin Mann Monday. "I am tired of that insufferable asshole's mean-spirited jokes," Huntoon said. "So, when he described the carburetor warmer as a 'twentieth century' invention, I decided to leave the copy untouched and let him deal with the consequences of his actions. The fucker." Huntoon said the unhyphenated compound modifier is the most extreme step he has ever taken, adding that he drafted a resignation notice that he will hand in should his superiors notice the omission.

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 1 March 2006 03:55 (nineteen years ago)

I really liked "Yak Chews Thoughtfully"

― Abbadavid Berman (Hurting), Wednesday, 1 March 2006 04:14 (nineteen years ago)

Nation's Educators Alarmed by Poorly Written Teen Suicide Notes

― joseph (joseph), Wednesday, 1 March 2006 04:29 (nineteen years ago)

"Orgy a Logistical Nightmare"

― shookout (shookout), Wednesday, 1 March 2006 04:33 (nineteen years ago)

"Study: Dolphins Not So Smart On Land" was just beautifully cruel.

― clotpoll (Clotpoll), Wednesday, 1 March 2006 05:18 (nineteen years ago)

"I Can Write 600 Words About Anything" link should become the new "Momus and nabisco to thread" meme.

― Allyzay Rofflesberger (allyzay), Wednesday, 1 March 2006 18:31 (nineteen years ago)

"Manic Depressive A Blast While Manic"

I also love Jean Teasdale's "Women Are From Venus . . . Men Are From Out Of This World!!!"

Opinion piece from the head of a razor company: "Fuck Everything: We're Doing Six Blades"

― Wax Cat (Wax Cat), Wednesday, 1 March 2006 21:01 (nineteen years ago)

Bah, so it was "Five Blades" not "Six" and someone's already mentioned it... No one saw that, right?

― Wax Cat (Wax Cat), Wednesday, 1 March 2006 21:02 (nineteen years ago)

two months pass...

Novelist Thinks People Shrug 10 Times More Than They Actually Do

― and what (ooo), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 13:07 (nineteen years ago)

already mentioned, but:

Melon balled

― sleep (sleep), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 14:48 (nineteen years ago)

1945:

NAGASAKI BOMBED JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT
Second bomb would have just sat around anyway, say generals.

Also:
JAPANESE JOIN FORCES WITH WHITE SUPREMICISTS IN WELL THOUGHT-OUT PLAN

― chap who would dare to be a nerd, not a geek (chap), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 16:35 (nineteen years ago)

Amazon One-Click Bankrupts Area Parkinson's Sufferer

― Michael A Neuman (Ferg), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 16:45 (nineteen years ago)

i think this thread proves they should only write headlines

― and what (ooo), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 16:48 (nineteen years ago)

My really truly favorite was the editorial they used to have up called "I Like All Kinds of Music." It's not there anymore, but take my word for it. It was a thing of beauty.
-- NA (naamm...), May 15th, 2004.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33708

― pisces (piscesx), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 16:50 (nineteen years ago)

John Daly: 'I Lost $1 Million In The Earl Woods Death Pool'

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 16:57 (nineteen years ago)

i think this thread proves they should only write headlines

So very very accurate.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 17:02 (nineteen years ago)

Mr. Special Foreign Man Won't Read Anything Not Written In His Own Language

and the one about greenland thinking it looks fat on the mercator projection.

― sunny successor (katharine), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 17:08 (nineteen years ago)

People of Kuwait Liberated by Bottom 10% of Last Year's Graduating Class

Sources have found that the people of Kuwait were liberated from Iraqi forces by the bottom 10% of last year's graduating class. The study goes on to reveal that the coalition soldiers were largely students who failed to make grades sufficient to attend college, putting their relative worth to society in sharp contrast to the importance of their duties in the Middle East. First Private Chad Palmer was quoted as saying, "Yeah dog, Iraq is totally off the hook! Party!"

― and what (ooo), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 17:13 (nineteen years ago)

^^^ cringe at the standard for 99% of satire now

― and what (ooo), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 17:17 (nineteen years ago)

New, Delicious Species Discovered

Pope Emerges From Chrysalis A Beautiful Butterfly

Soup Kitchen Thinks It Can Solve The World's Problems With Soup

White House Denies Existence Of Karl Rove

― sleep (sleep), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 17:39 (nineteen years ago)

Last week's "Alligator's dangerous no matter how drunk you are" was pretty great.

"Despite its slow-witted demeanor and tendency to bask motionlessly in the hot sun, it's a mistake to believe that an alligator will passively tolerate a half nelson, no matter how much Southern Comfort is fueling it."

― darin (darin), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 22:27 (nineteen years ago)

Clinton Goes Back in Time, Teams Up With Golden-Age Clinton

― J.D. (Justyn Dillingham), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 22:35 (nineteen years ago)

I love that one, but it muct be accompanied by the picture:

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_imagearticle477.jpg

― chap who would dare to be a nerd, not a geek (chap), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 22:52 (nineteen years ago)

fourteen years pass...

With Trump a no-show, Mar-a-Lago guests left to party maskless with Rudy Giuliani and Vanilla Ice

I mean this literally is a The Onion headline if there ever was one.

― Paul, Sunday, 3 January 2021 00:31 (four years ago)

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