what the fuck are you doing with your life?

i've *tried* to do the things that i love, and i've failed. miserably. mostly through my own lack of talent, ability or self belief and my own total fucking social ineptitude.

and people wonder why i'm chronically borderline suicidal when i look at my life in those harsh clinical facts.

oh, i hate threads like this, they only bring out the worst in me.

Most everything I have done has been crap so. . .

I thought by teaching I would find a job with purpose; give back to society etc. I hate it. I am not cut out for it. So what else then?

Wait, I have it: I support bartenders and their families. That is my purpose.

http://www.albanyonline.net/stclaire/art/070698.jpg

Is it not a good thing though to question? To think about these things?

soul searching always leads to misery. it's just a bad idea all around. the more you think about your life, the more you dwell on your problems. the happiest people are those that just get on with it.

Yeah but you write and sing the songs don't you? Find some new musicians pronto. Armed with your more favourable press cuttings I'm sure you could get a new band up and running in a few months. Of course you may have problems with rehearsal costs etc. What you need is a proper (ie established) manager. Again that shouldn't be too hard with your recently released album, reviews etc.

anyway... i shouldn't even be talking about this. it's not even a done deal yet, nothing has been decided, and even though i'm tentatively booking solo shows so i don't go mad, nothing is official and i shouldn't be shooting my mouth off, even though it's the only thing i can think about these days.

sorry, i'm venting and that's really not fair...

Oh I see what you mean. Well I still say something will turn up.

Plus The Pointer will point at evil again if I can bring myself to be satisfied with the lo-fi level of art I used to be able to knock out without caring. Damn that Paint Shop Pro!

Also, where does the absurdity of having long-term goals in a mortal time frame fit into the general scheme of this question? [insert more nihilistic tripe here]

there's some here:
http://www.geocities.com/paris/leftbank/8466/diary.html
and more here:
http://www.albanyonline.net/stclaire/art/diary.html
and some very, very old ones here:
http://www.albanyonline.net/stclaire/bernard/index.html

weird to think that some of those are ten years old now. i was showing suzy the book of bernard the other night. people always thought i'd do something with them. and then i never did...

...as to the word purpose, i dont know, that sounds a little rockist to me, or, at least calvinist...

as to not doing what i'd like to be doing, well, i'm pretty much doing what i'd like to be doing, with the exception of music, i have let this slide since moving to london, and i should start doing it again. this is partly down to a lack of confidence, and partly time/space issues, but i plan to rectify this soon and get back to doing some stuff

that seems like a most worthwhile goal. life circumstances can get in the way of the "doing/accomplishing" type goals. but the who-you-are aspect of your life is always there.

i'd read an interview of the ceo of orbitz...when asked about where he saw himself in 5 years, he responded "i don't even know what i'm having for lunch". i like that.

I'd like to be successful and financially secure. I'm working on it!

I try to be a good person, but I guess I mess up sometimes. But, I need to mess up in order to give myself goals to aim for, to become a better person (but to not use this as an excuse!!!)

I like to appreciate the little moments in life, as they are probably the most important thing. Simplicity and joy.

So, yeah, I guess it's all about getting on with it, and trying not to be lazy or let life life trip me up.

Right now it feels like I'm going nowhere at a snail's pace, which isn't as fun as going nowhere at light speed, but thankfully less embarassing.

I am currently in a neurotic and uncertain phase but then this always happens to me at the start of a new year. I do basically know what I want to do with my life ... writing, thinking, listening, and then more of the same. Somehow I have to find ways of squeezing money out of it.

Thinking of the Wye Valley in May keeps me looking forward, even if nothing else does!

1. I finished Highschool two months ago without any guarantee of going to University

2. I won't find out whether I have made it in until Jan 20.

3. I have no plans if I don't get to go to uni

4. I'm convinced that I have Attention Deficit Disorder but no physician to go to and ask, Hey do I have ADD?

5. I just lost my job - because the musical at the theatre I work at is closing early and I won't know if I keep my job until a new show opens.

Just call me Nellie No Future.

I always felt that I wanted to do my art for fun and not as a career, i didn't want any pressure for doing what I love the most.

So now I work in a crappy office doing something I have no interest in but I can also go home and focus on painting.
So do I feel as though I'm contributing positively with this lifestyle?

Well no not really, but if you look at the bigger picture we're all contributing to living in some way, if we're not making ourselves happy we're probably making someone else happy.
Without sounding too hippyish, I believe we're all part of life and if one of us didn't exist then 'something' else would, I mean in equals terms of value. (ok that sounded *really* hippyish I apologise)

Anyway, somebody said the right thing earlier, I think it was "..the people who are the happiest are the ones who are just getting on with life..". Exactly right, and well said.

I find that, while what I intend to do with my life fluctuates somewhat and gets put off a bit, I feel that I'm making significant progress getting there, and my lifestyle does seem to get increasingly posh as I get older, though I'm not really sure how. I think a lot of it is just being at the right place at the right time. Then again, that seems to be the key to success in general.