What's the stupidest thing that happened to you today?

To answer my own question:

Yesterday: I came into work to a major sewage leak in the office. Specifically, my boss's office. The smell was so horrible I almost puked all over my desk. Then, in an idiotic attempt to rid the world of the smell, we lit tons of candles - it looked like a Catholic church. Unfortunately, one of the guys in the office managed to knock the phone into a candle and the phone exploded into flames.

Today: My building's on fire. Or so I was told. I came out this morning to about 7 fire trucks and 10 more fire cars (what's the point of fire cars, btw?). They were evacuating all the buildings. In my very foggy, sleep deprived haze, I'm thinking, wicked, I have a real excuse now as to why I'm late for work - dude hey, my building! Then I got to work and said, dude hey, I have someone SLEEPING in my apartment right now, I probably should've, um, evacuated them. I went back and they told me they contained it, it's actually, ironically, the one luxury building on my block that's on fire, our crappy West Side Story tenements were quickly saved with no damage. The firemen gave me a tour of my building's basement to prove there was no damage, but that was because they wanted to check out my ass, I kept catching them do it when I bent over to look over this stupid boiler thing.

I got off the bus in Streatham (yes, STREATHAM!!! Look up the London Town thread for why this is a quasi-urban-suburban shithole that should be blasted off the face of London) in order to go to the one musical instrument specialty store within 5 miles of my house because I had to get a certain kind of cable to run an output from a DJ deck mixer to two guitar amps...

(don't even ASK why I am doing this... yes, Strange Fruit is that poor after the Life Without Buildings debacle that we can't even afford a PA for the Betsey aftershow tomorrow, so we are "making do" by hooking up the decks and mixer to my two baby Vox guitar amps, in a vague attempt at stereo. Hysterical effects may result if anyone tries to play Belle and Suckasstian- with the built in tremolo unit, I can instantly turn anything to Spacemen3)

Upon walking the mile and a half back to Tooting to save extra bus fair, I discover that there is a specialty DJ and PA centre ON THE BLOODY HIGH STREET.

OK, granted, that's not the same as having my flat or office go on fire, but it annoyed me.

And goddammit, speaking of flats going on fire, last night we made ALL THE PREPARATIONS for a power cut, turning off all the electronicss and the computer, and lighting some candles and everything - and for the first time in a week, the bloody power didn't GO OUT!!! Ah well, at least it went off while Belle and Suckasstian were on Peel, so I didn't have to listen to that.

I was pissed at my cat for stealing my tweezerman, and then when I went into the medicine cabinet to get some excedrin I found them behind a box of toothpaste. So the cat has once again been unjustly accused, and I am a goof who doesn't remember what I do with my stuff and will put things away in inexplicable places.

Not quite as dramatic as fire and sewage, though.

Stupid thing I forgot to do last week = FORGOT TO ASK MY SISTER TO BRING ME BACK SOME EXCEDRIN FROM NEW YORK!! The only pill that actually pokemons my headaches...

Excedrin is the only way to go for headaches. But at least you have codeine! I have to go all the way to Windsor if I want some of that.

Windsor where the Queen lives?

The Queen does Codeine??!! Shock, horror, this is even more of a surprise to me than the Evening Standard's headline yesterday that "COCAINE SCANDAL AT ROYAL ASCOT!!!" Oh my god! Call the press! RICH PEOPLE TAKING DRUGS!!! Surely not! I thought only inner city kids and poor folk took drugs! Oh wait, no, sorry, inner city poor folk can't afford drugs. Never mind.

If you take today as beginning at midnight, then I had already spent two hours turning over my (small) flat for my doorkeys. This continued until 2.30AM, when I decided to give up. Why did it matter so much? Well if they weren't in the flat then that meant someone had hopped over the fence, through the patio door (oh, it was such a balmy evening) and swiped them off the table in a bid for later burglary action (tangent: along with mixtape, 'burglarize' is the only Americanism I can't abide. I love 'WW2' really. Actually, I've just changed my mind: 'burglarize' is the best word ever. Do you say 'burglarization' too?).

Anyway, so afear'd was I that they might strike that very night that I got my duvet out of my bedroom and slept like a guard dog next to the patio door (having first locked it with my flatmate's key), mobile phone and cordless phone at my side, '9' key position memorised by touch. Cordless=better because police could trace my address in the event of evil intruder grabbing it off me, mobile=better because the keypad beeps could be silenced.

I went to sleep with the logistics and costs of a complete lock change spinning round my head.

In the morning, I had one last look in the only place not fully investigated - the front garden (such as it is). Nightfall and a lack of a torch had limited my searches in this area to a candlelit scrabble. And, whaddyouknow, there they were, nestling happily in the grass where I had oh-so-sensibly left them the previous afternoon after abandoning an attempt to plant some rotting bulbs my mother had given me (in a non-rotting state) some months previously.

The second stupidest thing I've done today is bothering to type all this.

Best thing I did in my LIFE, Nick = screw small 0.0001p hook into bookshelves in kitchen, and taught myself to PUT THE KEYS THERE WHENEVER I COME HOME. I now have c.one whole extra hour a DAY to oost to ILE etc.

Windsor Canada, where d**mpatrol rose up from the ghettoes(!) to pursue a glittering career in writing.

Sneer not: success has evidently snatched him from us, and rightly so...

Shhhh, say his name one more time and...

Anyway, Windsor isn't really in Canada, is it? I thought it was another crap white flight suburb of Detroit.

No, Windsor is in Canada -- it's across the river from Detroit, but not part of the states. Hence the fealty to the monarchy name. It's just kind of unremarkable.

I woke up.

Stupidest thing happens every day -- wishing everything I hate would finally die. I wish it every day and it never comes true.

I just cut the shit out of my thumb tring to install an AC unit. Ow ow ow ow ow. Blood!

I woke up again. Two days in a row! Maybe more!

Stupidest thing I did yesterday:

Before Strange Fruit yesterday evening, I hung out at the Betsey Trotwood all day, trying to avoid having to see the wibbling twee twice in one day, at soundcheck and then again at the club.

While I am at the Betsey (listening to- guess what? More wibbling twee) guess who turns up at the Garage, hangs around, moseys upstairs, and then disappears from sight for the rest of the night (after I got there)?

THE PROPHET JASON PIERCE!!!

I thought Paul was winding me up to get off my arse and get to the Garage. But no, it was the first thing EVERYONE told me when I got though the door. Through trying to avoid wibbling twee, I missed my dronepop idol.

Repeat 20 times: I am a dumbass.

I walked from Grand Central back home. I mean, granted, I did get to stop at H&M and blow $100 on clothes but still, it's fucking hot outside, what was I thinking? I took the subway there, why not take it home? God, what an idiot.

Surprisingly that's the stupidest thing that happened this entire weekend though. I'm almost let down that I had a great time without doing the stupidest things I could think of, like going to the seaport in military uniforms and harrassing Stephanie and her new man.

Feeling dozy after a day in the sunshine on Primrose Hill, I lay down on my bed at 8pm for a quick nap and awoke refreshed and ready to go at... 4am. Doh!

After a 12-hour car trip, wife and stumble into the house and roll into bed. Just as my eyes are closing, I think, "Hmm, better set the alarm." I do so, making sure it's set for 6:00 AM (because I have to leave insanely early to avoiid traffic).

I wake up without the alarm. Thinking, "Ah, that lazy time before you have to get up... how much time do I have?" I roll over to gaze at the clock. It said 7:30.

I had neglected to TURN THE FRIGGIN' ALARM ON. Murderdeathkill.

Friday : deleted the best part of a day's work by overwriting the file with another document. Spend 3 hours phoning around to find someone who I'd e-mailed a previous revision of the file to. Finally get out of jail as someone e-mails me the work. Spend a couple of hours getting the old version up to date.

Monday (today). I fucking did it again!

And now I've got to go to Kettering on a course. No record shops, vanilla-flavoured hotel somewhere near nowhere and lots of earnest company brown-nosers who are so bloody eager to 'learn'. That's if it's like 90% of courses I've ever attended. Thank god I've remembered to pack some CDs and portable. Or at least I thought I did...

I almost bought a pair of Pumas. What the hell was I thinking??

Pumas are good shoes. The stupidest thing I did today was not buy Pumas.

you were obviously thinking: "today, i'd like to be a b-girl. yes."

I prefer "Ghetto Chick".

I don't want Pumas, I want my neon blue sneakers. Fuck Pumas, they're awful.

But my neon blue sneakers ARE Pumas. Not that I wear them. But they're good shoes.

Well, if you can find neon blue Pumas, that's a slightly different story.

I have PURPLE Pumas. Really deep, fruity, lovely purple. I only bought them for the colour, I far prefer the trainers with the stripes, anyway.

I bought a pair of snot green Vans. Wasn't today, but still was incredibly stupid because now people say they can see me coming from blocks away, or that my feet look giant boogers.

Michele, that actually sounds fantastic! The best pair of shoes I owned were the two-tone oxford Doc Martens I bought a couple of years ago (before everyone and their grandfather bought them, I must add; I didn't set the trend, but I was certainly among the first on the bandwagon). There's something great about having people walk by you on the sidewalk stop specifically to ADMIRE YOUR FEET.

no particularly stupid, but i found a bridget jones diary cd cover on the street, and then the box, and then the back bit. but not the cd itself. curious...

A really stupid thing happened last night... As part of an assignment for class, I had to take some pictures of the interior of a public library. So I'm walking around the library, snapping away, and I take a picture of the free internet access computers. The old man sitting at one of the computers started freaking out, and it was then that I realized I had taken a picture of him looking at some really raunchy porn. I don't know if he thought I was the police or someone trying to blackmail him, but I showed him that I had deleted it off my camera (that's the nice thing about digital) so he would calm down. But it was pretty embarassing...

Nicole, what a wasted opportunity to pretend to be undercover Vice Squad and flash a bus pass or similar at Aged Perv and arrest him! Frighten him out of his dirty little habit.

A library is a public place, after all.

Last night, my coworker out in right field hurled the baseball FULL FORCE at home. Being as I'm catcher, I guess he thought I'd catch it. Instead, I dove for cover and ended up getting beaned in the leg pretty damn hard. Then I went to the bench and attempted to eat sunflower seeds. I'd never eaten them before so I thought you were just supposed to chew them. Boy was I wrong. Then we went out drinking and did shots of Jager. I love baseball.

a letter arrived this morning addressed to a mr laws. apparently these have been arriving at our house for about 3-4 years, and no one knows who he is. so i opened it. in an older persons handwriting, it said the following:

"Palm Trees Nightclub, Dusseldorf, June 1974

Why am i remembering this now?"

AND THAT IS ALL IT SAID. WTF?!?!?!

Gareth, can you waive the rights to "Why am I Remembering This Now?" 'cause if I ever start a blog, that's what I want to call it.

Okay, my roommate went out today and bought an outfit identical to one I own - a very distinctive one, not like some GAP t-shirt and a skirt or something. "We can be twins!" Perhaps not stupid but, erm, strange. I'm starting to worry - she's been instrumental in convincing me to dye my hair blonde (she's a blonde), and is constantly borrowing my clothes. SINGLE WHITE FEMALE!

A group of children shouting at me "Hello, Charlotte" and "Is your name Charlotte?". This has been going on for months now, and has got to the stage where they jump out from behind cars with the "greeting" ...

Their new one is "Is your name Louis?". I'll update you on how these things go, if you care.

Washing my "good" clothes, and learning that I washed them with a FULL PACK OF CHEWING GUM in one of my pants' pockets. (At least they smell minty fresh now.)

I didn't call in sick to work.

I haven't looked at this thread for ages, so I demand an update on the Robin/strange children situation.

Maybe it's because I usually go out and night these days, but I've never encountered them since.

"out and night" = "out at night"

yesterday: left my last $40 in the ATM. duh!

today: got called "foxy lady" by a 12year old.

since you wanted to keep this thread going for ages ally, here it is revived.

My dad rang me at 8:15 to tell me A)He got my long-haired cat shaved except for her plume-like tail and her head, B)My cousin has a headache causing thing in her brain that showed up on a CAT scan and she's having an MRI today.

Normally he wouldn't wake me up to tell me such things but he forgot that we are in different time zones. I was not ready to wake up yet.

Correction: Stupidest thing that happened to me today is that despite waking up at 8:15 I lazed around in bed, mooched around doing nothing, had chocolate for breakfast and sat down in front of computer where I've been reading stuff on ILE and looking up the occasional thing on the Int'net and now it's 2:53 and I have achieved NOTHING that I should have today - the thing that makes this SO stupid is that everyday had been about the same for the last month or so. It is pathetic.

my xroomate who I havent talked to in 4 years invited me to his wedding in italy in december

on tuesday i flashed my breasts at a girl i was trying to score. she flashed hers back. it turned out we were both wearing red lace bras.

maryann you are right, i do talk about my breasts a lot. i had no idea i am so obsessed with my own mammaries!

today: nothing stupid yet, but + alcohol in an hour or two and we'll update tomorrow.

this is the perfect thread for me, i'm always doing stupid stuff. stupid stuff is fun.

Light to medium, tampons, you stick them in you and leave them there for like four hours or something and then you take them out. I'm on birth control pills so my period is weird.

but they are thin and a vagina is wide ?

I left my guitar in the choir room because I don't want to carry it to all my classes (I took it in for second period music class to accompany) and the teachers locked the door when I went to pick it up after school so I had to run around the school twice to find a janitor, return the key, and get my stuff. Aaaarrr.

Anthony, that sounds like a Hanleyism. But no, I don't think vaginas are particularly wide.

I left toast in the psychotic toaster too long and it ignited. In my panic I threw the smoking toast into the washing up bowl and there's now lots of minky blackened bread stuff floating in the bowl which I'm going to have to fish out with my hands. Mmmm.

but one of those little tampons cannot stop all the blood, i am xeriously curios

Sure they do - highly absorptive stuff. As a matter of fact, tampons are probably the best thing ever invented.

Wide vaginas = FEAR. Vaginas are only wide when babies come out of them.

I played my record rather loud in the middle of the night. This morning I hear stomping in the house. Apparently my friend hasn't left the house yet. I'll have some explaining to do. Or maybe not.

The stoopidest thing I did today was try to quit smoking.

I only lasted 4.5 hours.

do the tampons grow . i have never seen a vagina

Anthony, why don't you get an unused tampon from you mum/friend/shop and dunk it in a cup of water to see what it does.

Tampons are about finger width and one and a half inches long to start with. They either expand length-ways, becoming around three inches long, or width-ways, becoming about an inch wide.

Vaginas are a bit like mouths only without the teeth and tongue. Moist, soft, warm, engulfing. Try sucking your finger (not too hard). That's a like what it would feel like if you put your finger inside a vagina.

anthony, vaginas have muscles which allow them to expand and contract in accordance with whatevers in there (within reason). that is how a teeny little tampon stays in, and how a baby can be pushed out.

thank you so much for all the knowledege of vaginas

well we couldn't have you thinking that tampons can't stay in, anthony. did you think we glued them up there or something?

last nite i was propositioned by the best friend/flatmate of some guy i screwed a few months ago. he just asked me right in front of menelaus and steve. sheesh, talk about discretion!

i didnt know !

And your response was Di?

On a complete tangent I'm SERIOUSLY pissed-off with my cat Louis. First he wakes me at 7 (when I really needed a lie-in) through fighting/screaming row with neighbours moggy, then he jumps on bed and claws my wife, and now I stop him just before he takes a leak on my record-collection (for the second time, my Birthday Party albums already stink of catpiss). And now he has the audacity to give me, ME, pained 'why are you angry with me' looks. Grrrrrr

my response was a gentle but definite no. i am happily married to Shayne Carter, what more could I want in life!

I was there. it was horrible, especially since I am acquainted with the person in question. My advice to the community is just dont go there. He thinks of himself as a 12yr old, has warped views on rape and civil order, and worst of all he keeps pointing out that I am unattractive.

he is not attractive either. but then why do these people feel they have the right to comment. I thought he was attracted to blenders or something.

― Menelaus Darcy, Sunday, 21 October 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

dude, pissing on your birthday party albums? sounds like your cat needs to be put down!

I feel you should all know that I am not unattractive. just different, unique, and a smartarse.

So I keep telling him Di, he did have a 'difficult youth' though found half-dead in a French camp-site having been badly mauled (by his previous owner perhaps).

so pissing on the birthday party albums was a vulgar gesture of contempt for the oppressors? it clearly has no idea what side its bread is buttered on.

the flat pet cat has taken up sitting outside my door and yowling early in the morning. its pretty much deaf so it compensates by reaching a screaming crescendo until i am forced to move it. I guess that hardly competes with spraying records, if that had happened I would have demanded it live outside. its bad enough when it chases other cats into my room to fight with them while I am trying to sleep

Last night someone smashed in two of my car's windows. Bastards!

today i am talking to myslef on the internet. does that count as stupid?

Yesterday, I left toast in the psychopathic toaster for about 20 minutes. Result: toaster on fire, foot high flames, panic, etc. We had to throw the entire toaster into the sink. We now have a new toaster.

is it a hello kitty toaster that burns hello kitties visage on every peice of toast.

Sadly not.

thats what we have . it is the coolest toaster alive

I bought a new toaster yesterday too! It is not a Hello Kitty one. However the Toaster is now going on an epic journey of London, from Harrow, to Chiswick, to Shepherds Bush, back to Harrow, if it's still in the car then today it will have gone to Heathrow - WHEN WILL IT GET TO ITS NATURAL HOME IN BRIXTOR eh? Also I bought a kettle.

Both were under ten pounds from Argos! I am so classy. Well, if you saw our kitchen you would see why I did not go to Selfridges. Although I am very tempted to either go there, or to Jerrys in order to pick up a super swish coffee machine which will no doubt cost nine billion pounds. Or perhaps I shall ask Fatnick to STEALE one from a COFFEE HOUSE. Hmmm.

You lot are mad!! Also Ally where did you get the Use of the word Hanleyism from? Just me and my mates invented it so I am intrigued! Let me know

Cheers

Yikes. Hanley has relatives? In SW London?

I just pressed 'back' in the wrong IE window whilst filling out a job application. Luckily I hadn't done the personal statement bit yet. I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT TO PUT for that. Under 'hobbies and interests' I sounded like a twat. Oh well...

http://www.hanleyisms.freeserve.co.uk/

Their Hanley isn't as funny as our Hanle y.

FIDDLE NIGHT GUTS!

believe me, you don't even want to go there...

I found out that this Hanley is also called Mike Hanley, it's very bizarre.

founding out that someone on this board thinks i am a loony. also getting called a nerd by hamish no0nan. well i spose it probbly takes one to know one.

I mixed up my contact lense solutions and in so doing I put HYRDOGEN PEROXIDE into my EYE. I continue to have the worst luck in Africa.

Thinking that there was smoke in the room, I jumped up and ran to the kitchen to see if there was something on fire. Halfway there, I blinked and realised that the "smoke" was just my contact lenses drying up from too much ILX...

I got up.

i cannot find the peice of paper with my aunts vitals in vancouver. i am staying with my aunt. FUCK.

34DD-26-33

Okay, this was yesterday, but I wore a shirt to work that turned out to be too low-cut and so consequently had an engineer following me around all day.

Engineer in being-a-pervert non-shockah!!!

I watched back-to-back episodes of Saved By the Bell. I think me stupider.

I was walking behind this guy for ages, reading the back of his jacket and trying to figure out who "FATAL BERT" is (the words formed a circle and were kind of squished together, but there was also a giant picture of FAT ALBERT in the centre of them).

FATAL BERT V FATAL ERNIE DEATHMATCH!