Newspaper headlines in the year 2035

Message Bookmarked
Bookmark Removed
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as
California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "Chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. .

Castro finally dies at age 112

Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%

C J (C J), Friday, 10 January 2003 17:09 (twenty-two years ago)

J. Lo marries her 54th husband

Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 10 January 2003 17:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Fetus Releases Record

Israel Demands US Withdrawal From Ukraine

Throckmorton Device Nears Completion

Last Frenchman Found

Pope Launches Crusade Against Sweden

DV (dirtyvicar), Friday, 10 January 2003 17:16 (twenty-two years ago)

Nick Southall discovers Montana.

Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Friday, 10 January 2003 17:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Everyone Already Long Since Dead

nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 10 January 2003 17:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Thank you, Zyblor!

Bryan (Bryan), Friday, 10 January 2003 17:31 (twenty-two years ago)

The Onion to thread.

James Ball (James Ball), Friday, 10 January 2003 17:31 (twenty-two years ago)

"2032, housewife shocking blue, what in the world are we coming to, what in the world?" Third random Dukes of Stratosphear mention today...

kate, Friday, 10 January 2003 17:31 (twenty-two years ago)

"Man walks on moon. No, REALLY. No, he REALLY does this time, we SWEAR."

Sarah McLusky (coco), Friday, 10 January 2003 17:41 (twenty-two years ago)

New York City Now Completely Submerged

In Weather: The high today will be 120, so don't go outside whatsoever, unless you want to live to see tomorrow.

Editorials: Looking Back on the "True American Ideals Movement" and Their Massacre of Leftists (aka the "Liberal Genocide") of 2006-2011

nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 10 January 2003 17:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Trade Federation Embargo - "I will not condone a course of action that will lead to war" says Queen.

jel -- (jel), Friday, 10 January 2003 17:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Neducation, neduacation, neducation

jel -- (jel), Friday, 10 January 2003 17:51 (twenty-two years ago)

US Government files Chapter 11

Rogue Pokemon Pets Pillage Pennsylvania

cprek, Friday, 10 January 2003 18:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Rogue Pokemon Pets Pillage Pennsylvania

I found it difficult not to read that as 'Rogue Pokemon Pets Pillage, Pennsylvania'

RJG (RJG), Friday, 10 January 2003 18:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Yes, it is a pretty awkward sentence.

cprek, Friday, 10 January 2003 19:07 (twenty-two years ago)

And The Daily Mail:

ASYLUM SEEKER SPOTTED NEAR SITE OF NUCLEAR MELTDOWN

- Wearing 'coat'
- Eating 'Food'
- CAN WE TRUST OUR NATION'S SECURITY?

William Bloody Swygart (mrswygart), Friday, 10 January 2003 19:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Chernobyl New Hipster Haven
Hottest New Style Labs Embracing the Post-Soviet Sensibility

j.lu (j.lu), Friday, 10 January 2003 20:24 (twenty-two years ago)

Ginzor shot dead by Venus Liberation Front.

jel -- (jel), Friday, 10 January 2003 20:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Polar Icecaps: Classic or Dud?

J0hn Darn13ll3 (J0hn Darn13ll3), Friday, 10 January 2003 22:18 (twenty-two years ago)

People surprised future isn't as crazy as once hoped

or

Universe turned inside out, all those who's organs are now outside of their body issued synthetic skin.

David Allen, Friday, 10 January 2003 22:27 (twenty-two years ago)

"'Kangaroo Jack XVII' wins twelve Oscars"

Curtis Stephens, Friday, 10 January 2003 23:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Man Utd relegated from Football League after crashing to last minute own goal by veteran skipper Brooklyn

stevem (blueski), Friday, 10 January 2003 23:06 (twenty-two years ago)

"Please! Dear Christ! Let me in! For the love of God - urk!" SMIRKED an asylum seeker as he attempted to SMASH his way into the radiation-proof dome surrounding London yesterday - his fist BEATING against the plastic in a gesture of aggression - COUGHING blood onto the clean plastic in another SICK ACT OF VANDALISM.

YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT UP.

Now his UNTIDY CORPSE LITTERS the clean wasteland outside our fair city. HOW MUCH LONGER do we have to put up with these SO-CALLED asylum seekers - who, one step away from death, could NOT BE EXPECTED to do a days work in any case - FLINGING their DIRTY SHELLS at our clean dome? THE SUN SAYS - GET OUT THE DEATH RAYS, BUSH!! It's time the President Of Britain lived up to his name!

Al Ewing (Al Ewing), Saturday, 11 January 2003 00:51 (twenty-two years ago)

The ILXOR Empire Chief Executive Mass-Mind Declares Antarctic FAP, Hundreds Of Giant Helicopters Converge On Summer's Moon Pub, South Pole

Tom Millar (Millar), Saturday, 11 January 2003 01:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Future Feed Forward to thread!

Chris Barrus (xibalba), Saturday, 11 January 2003 01:50 (twenty-two years ago)

New MBV Album - Coming Soon...

brainliner (brainliner), Saturday, 11 January 2003 01:52 (twenty-two years ago)

¸¶¾ß°¡ À¯Àúµé°úÀÇ °ø°¨´ëÇü¼ºÀ» À§ÇØ µÎ¼Õ °È°í ³ª¼¹´Ù... ±×³àÀÇ ¸Å·Â¿¡ À¯ÀúµéÀÌ Çì¾î³ª ¿Ã ±æÀº ¾Æ¸¶ ¾øÀ» µí...

Kim (Kim), Saturday, 11 January 2003 08:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Houses of Parliament opened as a theme park by President for Life - Tony Blair aged 80.

The last engineer in Britain loses his job screwing on the tops on toothpaste tubes.

Middle East oil runs out, Arabs return to flogging camels and smoking hashish. No one is really interested anymore and it gets an 30 second slot at the end of the news.

Romeo Beckham aged 35 in his last match for England scores the winner in the World Cup Final. Father, Sir David Beckham is reported as being 'Dead chuffed.'

The French Wall is finally completed, designed to keep the French in. May 1st, the day of completion, becomes a World holiday.

C J (C J), Saturday, 11 January 2003 09:59 (twenty-two years ago)

there won't be a World Cup in 2035...i like the rest of that headline though

stevem (blueski), Saturday, 11 January 2003 11:22 (twenty-two years ago)

In the future, there will be a World Cup every year!

Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Saturday, 11 January 2003 12:10 (twenty-two years ago)

Ghost of Bob Hope to entertain US troops stationed in Manitoba during 'War on Terrorist Canada' cease fire.

C J (C J), Saturday, 11 January 2003 19:26 (twenty-two years ago)

"Pete Townshend caught on 'Middle Aged' Porn Site"

James Mitchell (James Mitchell), Sunday, 12 January 2003 04:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Future Feed Forward to thread!

Thank you thank you thank you for that link, I hadn't seen that site before and it's wonderful -- you're not the guy from the band/musical act Xibalba, are you?

J0hn Darn13ll3 (J0hn Darn13ll3), Sunday, 12 January 2003 15:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Atlantis: It's War!

jel -- (jel), Sunday, 12 January 2003 15:24 (twenty-two years ago)

you're not the guy from the band/musical act Xibalba, are you?

Why Chris, have you been up to solo mischief? (John: Chris is a good friend of mine and a musician but I think just has the name because it is cool and he likes them Central American gods -- I'll ask him later today if he doesn't read this beforehand!)

Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 12 January 2003 15:28 (twenty-two years ago)

eighteen years pass...

‘90 Day Fiancé’ star retires from selling farts after heart attack scare

calzino, Tuesday, 4 January 2022 21:06 (three years ago)


You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.