love life troubles: advice needed

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During a protracted fight with my current SO, I met up with someone who I'd known online for a while for a drink. A drink turned into something a bit less platonic (no sex tho') over the course of the evening and it's made a bit of a mess, for a number of reasons:

a) I still love my SO and I don't especially want to break up with them, although the amount we have in common is pretty small, our long term future is not exactly assured, and fights have been getting more common

b) This new person in my life and I clicked instantly and very strongly which is something that happens to me very rarely, even with people who I went on to relationships with. Which makes me think it wasn't just the booze with a dash of lust.

I'm not sure exactly what advice I'm after, to be honest. Just tell me what you would do in the situation. Please

― regular posting anonymously, Sunday, 2 February 2003 22:57 (twenty-two years ago)

If you are still in with love your significant other don't break up with them. But tell them about this, except don't name the other person

― isadora (isadora), Sunday, 2 February 2003 23:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Ooh. Ouch. My guess is that the "clicking" with the new person is sympomatic of the problems with your relationship, rather than actual intimacy. When you're starving, a little intimacy goes a long way.

Stay away from the new person, or make it clear that it was a mistake and things will go no further until you've resolved things with your S.O. This is urgent and key.

Whatever you do, do NOT have an affair. If things are not working out with your S.O., you need to resolve it or finish it without dragging a third person in.

― kate, Sunday, 2 February 2003 23:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Don't tell them about the non-platonic part! No!

See if you can craft a normal friendship with the other person, & hold back on the amorous impulses for the time being. If not then take kate's advice and stay away.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Sunday, 2 February 2003 23:12 (twenty-two years ago)

"normal friendship" --> is off the plate, from the sound of it

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Sunday, 2 February 2003 23:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Good words from everyone..But never forget that booze makes us do things we sometimes regret....

― brg30 (brg30), Sunday, 2 February 2003 23:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Go for the new guy!

― N. (nickdastoor), Sunday, 2 February 2003 23:34 (twenty-two years ago)

Nick is evil!

― Kim (Kim), Sunday, 2 February 2003 23:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Was gender mentioned?

Strange of Nick to assume it's a girl asking.

― kate, Sunday, 2 February 2003 23:42 (twenty-two years ago)

good advice all round, for sure. Sterling's advice is pretty much what I was considering most strongly. I don't think a 'normal' friendship is out of the question - provided I don't let temptation get the better of me. Now all I need to do is find out what the other person thinks about the whole thing (I haven't spoken to them properly since that night)..

― regular posting anonymously, Sunday, 2 February 2003 23:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Good advice here. But think through this: you're fighting with your SO, you don't think you have much in common with this person, and you sound pessimistic about your joint future -- yet you don't want to break up. On the surface that doesn't compute. You owe it to yourself, your SO, and almost certainly to the third person to honestly think through what's going on.

― j.lu (j.lu), Sunday, 2 February 2003 23:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Actually my first thought was that it was a bloke but then I decided it was more likely to be a woman, then I decided I couldn't really say for sure but I liked the word 'guy'. Don't Americans call women guys too? HEY YOU GUYS - CUT IT OUT! kind of thing?

― N. (nickdastoor), Sunday, 2 February 2003 23:54 (twenty-two years ago)

All of the advice is pretty sound (except for Nick's of course), and if I were in that situation I would probably follow Sterling's advice.

― Nicole (Nicole), Sunday, 2 February 2003 23:57 (twenty-two years ago)

I actually stand by my advice. Unless there are kids involved. If you tell him/her about it then they feel emotionally betrayed, like you're only staying with them out of duty or fear, and if you don't then you really *have* emotionally betrayed them.

― N. (nickdastoor), Monday, 3 February 2003 00:09 (twenty-two years ago)

But anon still loves this person, so I don't know how you could say they'd be staying with the SO out of duty or fear -- it sounds like anon would like for this relationship to work.

― Nicole (Nicole), Monday, 3 February 2003 00:12 (twenty-two years ago)

But feels a deeper connection with someone else! How would you react if you knew that about your man?

Sorry - I'm playing devil's advocate here.

― N. (nickdastoor), Monday, 3 February 2003 00:15 (twenty-two years ago)

I think I really have to get it through my head that I can't have my cake and eat it too in this particular situation.

Knowing how my relationships normally end up (this particular situation being a case in point) makes me think it would be better all round to keep this person as a friend. Especially someone who could end up being a really close friend...

― regular posting anonymously, Monday, 3 February 2003 00:22 (twenty-two years ago)

If this is how your relationships usually end then maybe you're better off making a firm decision about your current relationship before continuing any contact with the new person. If you decide to stay with your SO but continue a friendship with the new person knowing that it might become something more then in a way you're cheating on your SO emotionally and that's just as unfair as cheating on them physically.

I think it's always important to finish one thing well and truly before embarking on something else.

― Penny Lane (Penny Lane), Monday, 3 February 2003 00:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Now all I need to do is find out what the other person thinks about the whole thing

If you've already made up your mind to stay with your SO, what difference does it make what this friend thinks? Try to leave your ego out of it if you care about staying friends. Is it fair to ask the friend to lay down his/her cards when you've already left the table?

― felicity (felicity), Monday, 3 February 2003 05:31 (twenty-two years ago)

N. is an emotional combine-harvester.

― RJG (RJG), Monday, 3 February 2003 05:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Nick has been kind of ... I dunno ... bitter lately, han'ney?

― jm (jtm), Monday, 3 February 2003 06:12 (twenty-two years ago)

I agree with N., although you don't seem to be seriously considering that route, and you met the new person over the internet which is never a good sign. I tend to think the potential for something really good beats hanging onto something sour/okay/satisfactory.

― bnw (bnw), Monday, 3 February 2003 06:25 (twenty-two years ago)

j.lu is OTM: ask yourself seriously why you don't want to break up with your SO...is it really because you see something there, despite the other things that seem not to fit together? Or is it because your current relationship, incongruities aside, is just too....EASY to stay in? If the latter, this sort of incident shouldn't necessarily be the one that changes everything, but at least it should give you a chance to reflect on the current state of affairs to see if it's really want you want in the long term.

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Monday, 3 February 2003 16:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Ditto.

I wouldn't break up with your S.O. because you've met this new person, but b/c you realize you're not satisfied with what you've got. I don't think you should jump from one relationship to the next. If you do break up with your current S.O., you should let the new person know you wanna take it slow and that you're not making a sacrifice for them or anything. That would start the relationship off on a bad foot I think.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Monday, 3 February 2003 16:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Aye. I'm with Sean and j.lu, and also namesake a bit too. It's not fair to stay in a relationship that's gone off the boil just 'cos it's easy. Maybe this new relationship isn't the one that's gonna replace the current one, but it might be a good catalyst for making you realise the current one isn't working. As has been said, meeting people on the net is perhaps not the best way to form romantic/sexual attachments. Much better to meet them in the pub so you can tell what they're like pissed!

Always do what you think is best, unless you can think of something better.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Monday, 3 February 2003 16:56 (twenty-two years ago)

what constitutes a protracted fight? were you "on a break" at the time? i guess it's just a matter of what you want, really. if you LOVE your SO, talk to her/him about what happened with the online chicky/dude and at least be honest with someone whom you claim to love. cheating is not good.

― Megan P, Monday, 3 February 2003 17:04 (twenty-two years ago)

and you met the new person over the internet which is never a good sign.

― Mary (Mary), Monday, 3 February 2003 18:01 (twenty-two years ago)

meeting someone on the internet is NEVER a good sign. I've been mulling this over more and more, and frankly, my dear "anonymous," i understand how this would be mixing you all up, but what are you thinking? you're being a little selfish and shady, it seems to me. how long have you been dating the other? sounds to me like you're pretty willing to screw it all up.

― Megan P, Monday, 3 February 2003 18:15 (twenty-two years ago)

meeting someone on the internet is NEVER a good sign.

do you hate the future?

― RJG (RJG), Monday, 3 February 2003 18:18 (twenty-two years ago)

I met all of you on the internet and the relationship is going just great I think. Maybe later we'll even celebrate by sitting down on the couch together, looking into each other's eyes, and having a heart-felt relationship talk - crying, hugs, the whole nine yards.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Monday, 3 February 2003 18:20 (twenty-two years ago)

The ILmush is taking over. (I was mostly kidding about the internet thing. Meeting people over the net is fine; pretending you have a relationship with them because of hott emails and im's = stupid. (Sorry to derail the thread a bit.))

― bnw (bnw), Monday, 3 February 2003 18:32 (twenty-two years ago)

Having gotten involved with people that I met online, and having had those relationships end under dubious circumstances, I would say that meeting people over the Internet, we do have a tendency to over-romanticize the whole thing and gloss over things that would ordinarily bug the hell out of us if we had met that person in real life first. Yeah, we tend to fill in all of the details that we don't already know based on the way we WANT those details to be filled in, to hell with reality. For that reason alone it's probably better to be wary going into an actual meeting of someone you've "met" online, especially if there's been some sort of romantic aspect to the online relationship. Judging from the first post on the thread, it's hard to say whether any of that has happened, so maybe it would be best to keep the speculation here to a minimum...?

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Monday, 3 February 2003 18:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Instant connections are the universe's way of telling you that there is a God - and what's more, you are His messenger on Earth!

― s spielberg, Monday, 3 February 2003 18:40 (twenty-two years ago)

pretending you have a relationship with them because of hott emails and im = stupid

!!!

― Mary (Mary), Monday, 3 February 2003 18:47 (twenty-two years ago)

pretending you have a relationship with them because of hott emails and im's = stupid.

Gasp! I thought we meant something! Well, no more hott e-mails for you, that's for darn sure.

― Chris P (Chris P), Monday, 3 February 2003 18:53 (twenty-two years ago)

(The extra "t" is for "tawdry"!)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 3 February 2003 19:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Okay, maybe stupid is a little harsh. Online love/crushes/flirtations are all fun and great (and key to ILE's existence), but I think it's unhealthy to substitute them for actual relationships. (Is this really news?) (Why am I arguing with exclamation points?)

― bnw (bnw), Monday, 3 February 2003 19:04 (twenty-two years ago)

― Mary (Mary), Monday, 3 February 2003 20:31 (twenty-two years ago)

bnw, you have a point there, but it sounded like the online friend was just that until the real-life meet up, at which point it became something more. At which point it would (or could) become an "actual relationship," no?

― Jen (nstop), Monday, 3 February 2003 20:33 (twenty-two years ago)

a) Love=coming to understanding of your differences, and appreciating them in each other. Long term futures are never assured with anything or anyone. And the reason I say this is because I had not one but two people taken from me suddenly.

b)New things are always exciting. It's the rush of adrenaline, the anticipation of the "catch" opportunity. The problem is once you've made the catch, with human beings, you can't throw them back. And even if you try, it's hard. Believe me the booze inspired the excitement and LUST is what has you in the position with the first misguided thoughts toward your SO.

In this situation, you will choose one of two options. Fight or flight. Fight for what is RIGHT and you KNOW what is RIGHT. Or you will take flight which is what most of us do, because we're really too scared to deal with ourselves-and change what needs to be changed in us, rather we blame the other person and their not like us....THANK GOD, I've finally came to the understanding how boring life would be if we were all alike. Not to mention, "S.O." in those terms should hold something significant that you desired in the first place, right?

― The Voice of Experience, Monday, 3 February 2003 20:33 (twenty-two years ago)

I've had a few relationships that have started over the Internet, and I can't see anything wrong with it.

If I were talking to you, I'd say forget this new person for a minute, because I'm very concerned with how you talk of the current one. Put aside all thoughts of the new person and focus on that. Is it what you want? Do you want to stay with it? I'd say don't think about this new one until you've sorted the current one.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Monday, 3 February 2003 20:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Just make sure the other person isn't taken themselves.

― Mr Noodles (Mr Noodles), Monday, 3 February 2003 20:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Right, forgot to mention that I was not weighing in on the morality of starting one thing before you've finished another (never a good idea, regardless).

― Jen (nstop), Monday, 3 February 2003 20:41 (twenty-two years ago)

At which point it would (or could) become an "actual relationship," no?

Yeah, that's why I apologized for thread derailment. Meeting someone online then meeting them in person then falling madly in luhv is just dandy. But getting along with someone online vs getting along with someone in person are not one in the same. None of which has anything to do with the original topic, and yet I continute to babble.

― bnw (bnw), Monday, 3 February 2003 21:08 (twenty-two years ago)

how do you feel about that?

― felicity (felicity), Monday, 3 February 2003 21:28 (twenty-two years ago)

came back to check on anonymous. i'm wondering if we'll get an update on his/her decision/course of action? and to throw my opinion of internet relationships in there, i did not intend to say that ALL internet relationships are, by nature, bad. i suppose in this particular case, it already seems like the "internet friend" was sort of a "backup;" otherwise (if that person were always simply a platonic chat buddy) i think anonymous would have been more likely to meet up with her/him in person before the real relationship hit the rocks. seems a little bit like something that happened to me once...

anyway, i don't really think that all relationships that begin on the internet are necessarily bad. i do think that they require an enormous amount of trepidation, due to the ease with which things may be made up when not dealing face to face. obviously. duh. so, anyway, not all internet relationships are bad ones. just the ones involving crazies. and the majority of folks aren't crazies, right?

― Megan P, Tuesday, 4 February 2003 22:31 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm with everyone else who has suggested that you resolve the situation with your current S.O., one way or the other, before embarking on an emotionally intense relationship with the new person. Why?

You and your S.O. are going through a difficult time - you need to decide whether or not to continue that relationship based on what has occurred between the two of you. If you are spending time with this other person, that you are attracted to, you may easily fall into the "I should leave my current because this new one is so perfect for me" trap, forgetting that at the beginning of all relationships the other person is always on a pedestal. Also, the new person may be an enticement not to work on things with you current, instead of encouraging you to figure-out what you want to do regardless of the new person.
Additionally, no matter if you say that this person and you can just be friends, I'd advoid much contact with the person, because the attraction between the two of you is going to cloud your decisions, whether you're aware of that or not. It is also a horrible habit to get into the practice of ending one relationship so you can be with someone else - you'll quickly end-up moving from relationship to relationship when things get tough. And if you leave one person to be with another, then the second person will always be wondering if you're going to leave them for someone else.

Figure-out if you want to be with your current S.O. disregarding the new person. And then, if you decide to stay you might be able to pursue a friendship with the new person. And if you decide to leave, take your time with the new person (presuming you decide to have a freindship with them) because you're going to be emotionally vulnerable and thinking illogially for a while as you're grieving over the death of the first relationship.

Oh, and as far as Internet-started relationships are concerned - I met both of me S.O.'s on the Internet - and I've been with one for 5 1/2 years and the other for just over 3 - so they do work, as long as everyone is careful not to mistake the infatuation with someone's written words and representations of themselves in text with the real person who is doing the typing.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Wednesday, 5 February 2003 02:09 (twenty-two years ago)

you have two S.O.'s at once?

yipe. dealing with one is headache enough for me.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Wednesday, 5 February 2003 08:12 (twenty-two years ago)

I do, Sterling Clover - and they do keep me busy and happy - less headaches than one might imagine, for when I fight with one, the other points out where we're miscommunicating.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Wednesday, 5 February 2003 18:29 (twenty-two years ago)

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