need help with a sex thing...

Either way, it seems to be feeding on itself, and it's probably in her best interests to confront him about it.

yeah, and do it naked, yo.

"Charlotte begins surfing the web in a desperate search for a solution to Trey's sexual problem. When she suggests they discuss options, Trey gets angry and asks Charlotte to accept that he's just not that sexual of a guy. Finding this unacceptable, Charlotte demands they see a sex therapist whose first suggestion is they name their private parts with pet names…needless to say this does not thrill Trey. Later that evening after another failed attempt at intimacy, Charlotte wakes up in the middle of the night to find Trey masturbating in the bathroom to Juggs magazine. This upsets her, and the next day it is back to the sex therapist. He suggests that Trey must find a way to integrate Charlotte into his sex life. Charlotte found a way to join in …she pasted pictures of herself over the heads of the Juggs girls so that she was there in spirit. We’re still waiting to see if she can get the real thing"

Maybe she could paste pictures of herself in, a la Charlotte?

Maybe he wants to remain abstinant before marriage? I mean, that's all the rage now, isn't it?

The actual divide here (and his ensuant inability to 'explain' it) hints at a much more serious chasm between the sex he has in his brain and the sex he's not (can't?) have in his bedroom.

I can't condemn what he's doing - it's not like there's any evidence he'd want sex with any other woman a lot more, and like Nathalie says you shouldn't quantify sex drives - but it is potentially a big issue and honesty is important.

Exactly. It's about compatability.

still never wrap my head round it all, though.

My view of sex is that it's something important a couple do, one of those things like eating together or cuddling or conversing which I'd be worried if we weren't doing at all but I don't think has to happen all the time (and it's just as well I think this, as there's been plenty of times in the last few years where illness has basically ko'ed sex for most of the time). It's generally the way intimacy sustains itself until you get used to each other as people/partners but it's not the be-all and end-all of intimacy.

If a) were true (and he's sexually healthy otherwise), chances are slimmer that he'd remain in a prolonged relationship with this person. If b) were true, he probably *would*, because he cares about her as a partner and is liable to have the same problems elsewhere anyway.

The 'stacks of porn' is kind of a tip-off too; that consumption rate seems more symptomatic of someone who's constructed an entire sexual life around their naughty vids and mags.

I like how you pointed out that it's not just looking at pictures every once in a while, but HUGE STACKS OF PORN. I'm imagining the sort of cornucopia (pornucopia?) I used to dream about as a pubescent kid.

No...

Here's the thing...they had a perfectly healthy (sometimes dirty, she tells me) sexlife for the first part of their relationship. So, it seems that at one point, he liked to "fuck." But this IS more of an intimacy thing for her. She feels like she must have done something at some point to lose his attention. She has no problem with porn, she's made that very clear. And I'm not intending to judge porn, either. I look at it myself every now and again...

And I'm told he's looking at porn steadily on his pc from the time he comes home in the evenings until he goes to bed (when he is home, that is). This sounds more like a 16 year old than a man in his mid-20s...Who knows when he's making time to look at his print versions.

Tracer it may not be a direct substitute for sex per se, but it's certainly an alternate route to Get Off Lane. The fact that real, live actual sex isn't being considered as another means to that end makes me wonder if that particular road isn't, erm, blocked...

The thing I'm most worried about is what sounds like a fundamental inability to communicate.

If true - and we're only hearing one side of the story - it sounds to me like an addiction/compulsion thing as much as anything else. Again, something very difficult to admit.

I think there's a lot of truth in this. I certainly have a tiny bit of a similar problem to the dude in question - not quite to the same extent (thankfully) but.. yeah. For me, it's definitely an intimacy problem - actual real sex is frequently just too stressful for me.

What about s-m-ists? (ok, I don't know how to spell that - folks who engage in S&M)... Don't they derive most of their pleasure in NOT doing it?

It's Sadism and Masochism (Sadist/Masochist) - the "Sadist" comes from the Marquis de Sade, a man who immortalized his ventures into mental and physical tortures in a series of writings; the "Masochist" comes from a book called "Venus in Furs" by Leopold von Sacher-Masoch. In this book, a man basically pays a woman to treat him badly - she's the sadist, he's the masochist.

And no, not all practicioners of S&M derive most of the pleasure from not achieving orgasm - some do, of course, but there is as much (if not more) variety of play and desires and practices within those who identify as sadists and/or masochists as within the vailla/straight-sex community. I am not one for denial, but I identify as a Sadist - I like to inflict deep (and occasionally very painful) physical sensations - to take my partner flying on the sensations - to reduce him or her to a quivering mass aware only of my voice, my scent, my presence, and the fact that they are at my mercy, anticipating that unknown next sensation (crop or cane or quirt or bunny fur or nipple clamps or ice or feathers or tighter bondage or my tongue licking their body - my finger-nails teasing and then scraping over the welts I have raised - my hands carressing and then pinching, pulling, slapping, spanking) - basically, when I play like this, I fly with them.

The only comparison I have ever heard to S&M play that I think is even remotely accurate is the idea of having a massage - it starts off soft, loosening up your muscles, working your mind to let go of your surroundings - and then, as you drift away, you can take deeper and deeper and more painful massage, working those underlying muscles - and at some point you lose track of everything but the sensation of touch - you are not longer identifying as a person, you are simply being. Also, as you may have discovered with sex, the higher your level of arousal, the more intense the sensations you desire and can handle - your nipples can be bitten and twisted, you bite, you suck harder, you move faster and more jolting - that is a lot of what S&M can be like.

And yes, I guess that there is some denial - I do enjoy the sexual teasing and torture of denied or repressed orgasm for my partner. (And the word "partner" is not lightly chosen - those who give themselves to me completely, without reservation, surrendering their responsibilities, are my partners - I cannot exist and identify as a sadist and as a dominant without them and vice versa for the slave and the masochist and the submissive.) But, ultimately, I do want to see that look of pain and relief and love and gratitude on their face as they are finally allowed that release - and then mind-fuck them with another sharp jolt of pain, for soon after the orgasm the level of pain that can be taken drops precipitiously.

I realize that this is a bot off-topic, but since the issue was raised I thought I'd cast in my two-cents or so :)

I think your friend needs to have a big discussion with her boy about what he is after sexually. It sounds like he's a bit hung up about sex. Porn is a bit of a fantasy thing but maybe he's too nervous to put his fantasies into action.

Actually, the last time I was in Toronto I visited - hmmm - one of the big leather stores there not "Stormy Leathter," that's in SF - oh, yeah, "Northbound Leather" (which had quite a collection of dominatrix footwear: boots and heels and so forth, and a sign that said "If you lick the boots, you've bought them" - oh, and they had some of those horrid bondage/ballerian/whatever in the hell they're called heels, too) - bought some interesting devices - the crops and canes didn't fit into my luggage so I had to take them through as carry-on (in a poster tube). And I got pulled aside and they opened the tube and dumped out the contents. And they blushed so prettily! It was a delicious moment *chuckle*

I had a similar situation with someone I dated. When we started out I was 19 and I hadn't been exposed to a lot of hardcore pornography -- I mean, I'd seen it, and I was around skin mags all the time when I interned in the Penthouse offices, but this was the first time I'd ever been close to anyone who had a porn collection. I didn't know what to make of it at first, and I was confused and a little offended (also worried that somehow I wasn't good enough for him and he needed more). But I confronted him, and he explained that it was just this meaningless Thing That Males Do (which I actually believe). I wanted to know more about what got him off, so we watched a few videos together and erm let's say the experience was beneficial to both of us. So it's perfectly healthy to have a little porn around, as long as you can also be intimate with other people. If you can't, don't enter into a relationship with someone who needs intimacy.

Bryan - you and the Missus need to come for a visit - there's all sorts of fun things to do in Florida! (And if you bring me a polar bear, I'll send you home with an armadillo.)

I don't know what this means, but I like it!

Not me, actually. I've looked at porn, of course, and it can be somewhat arousing (especially when you're a teenager), but once I'd actually had sex, watching porn has mostly just been boring. It doesn't pace itself well (too much too soon) and the participants generally don't look like they're having that much fun, or at least I can't be sure their pleasure is ever unfeigned. I'm glad porn is out there, but I have no desire to collect it, and when I do look at it, I don't usually want to see it again after I've seen it once, since it's so often disappointing or creepy.

Erotic writing, on the other hand, is something else, especially when it's nonfiction. Generally I'd much rather read someone's story about sex they actually had, and enjoyed, than watch someone actually doing it, but only pretending to enjoy it. That's basically the core of my sexual self, right there: a woman in the throes of real desire, who's glad to be there and enjoying herself and feeling overcome with pleasure, is my biggest turn-on. For me, personal essays and things like that are generally a far more believable way to portray that experience than porn is.

That's part of what I like about porn: constantly wondering how much of that enjoyment is real, trying to figure out which reactions are involuntary and which are put on. Sometimes it's very sexy to see the actresses blushing, or sweating (which you don't get so much with Barbie-sex production companies like Vivid), or clenching their toes, or letting out a little moan that seems accidental and unscripted. Those moments, for me, are the real money shots.

Best thing about sex = wearing those funky red and green spectacles.