your parents asking you to start paying rent or move out. dud or dud?

D'oh. Were you elsewhere and returned, or have you just been there so long that they feel the time is right?

the better question is how old are you, sad sack

(he says with an affection born out of identification.)

Yes, are you under 16? If so, dud.

Over 16 but in full-time educaiton - grey area

Otherwise, get off your arse.

they really don't want rent, they want you to MOVE OUT

so you have to TRICK THEM by offering them RENT

My ex is 30 and never moved out. Supposedly this is more acceptable in Mexican families but it really doesn't have much to do to do with his heritage, poor fellow.

IF
1) you gonna be 19 soon
+2)you were recently expelled from school again(third time, third different school)
+3)now you've been persistently evasive 'bout that are-you-gonna-get-a-job-anytime-soon question
-- under such circumstances i'd be abs't'ly sure what the answer was and i wouldn't hesitate telling, but as yer the situation could probbly'n'hopefully be different in so many ways - i'm evidently of no use here, ha

Before 18th birthday:
It's your house too - those old farts you sometimes
call parents have to put up with your crap

18th Birthday:
As an adult, you are now a houseguest. Good houseguests
are always great to have around - but bad houseguests
get kicked out on their tush.

This is the way my parents did it and it seems fair enough;
as long as the child has fair warning. It's cruel to
ignore your kid, allow them to sit around watching TV for
years (likely following your example) and then suddenly
expect them to have a work ethic when they turn 18.

When I turned 18 I'd already worked 2 summers and had
odd jobs in between, so I had no problem working.
My parents demanded cash, I weighed my options, and
moved out. Six months later I was back - and jobless,
but I adopted a compliant attitude and they forgot
about their money demands.

This has always been an issue of resentment for me. My mother insisted that if I was over 18, I should be paying rent in her house. It wasn't a LOT of rent, but it was more than I could afford without a job. She thought it would motivate me to get a job. Oh, yeah, did I mention that we lived in the middle of NOWHERE, four miles from the nearest busstop, and that she charged me for gas if I wanted a ride to even go look for work, let alone get to work?

I got involved in a lot of dodgy living situations in my late teens and early 20s because of this. Grrrrrr.

Did I mention that this was around the time that both my parents decided that they didn't have to work so they could "follow their dreams" so I was sometimes the only person bringing in an income?

Eventually overcame it when she allowed a loophole that you didn't have to pay rent if you were in part or full time education. It was her way of forcing me to go to a college that I totally resented. I learned nothing in college, I piled up huge student loan debts (which I am now making HER pay, since she forced me to go to college) but at least I had a free place to live and access to her car.

I didn't know ONE OTHER PERSON, no matter what their class or income level, who was forced by their parents to pay rent. Resentful and bitter, me?

Paying some rent/board once over 18 = reasonable.
Having to pay for petrol = slightly less so.

I didn't know that, Kate, that's totally over the top. When/if she comes to visit should we charge her a room rate?

I think my mum pulled that shit ONCE. I retaliated by a) saying that a 40-year-old woman with a reasonable income should, as a matter of personal self-esteem, be able to pay her own mortgage and b) threatening to charge her market rates from that date for all household chores that I'd done for free my whole life ('and if you think you can get a cheaper cleaner, get one, because if I'm paying rent, I stop picking up all of your shit when I pick up mine and let's see how long THAT lasts')

I always paid my Mum a wee bit of rent and when I wasn't working, some of my dole money, it's only fair.

Her rent nonsense was TOTALLY passive-aggressive shit because she couldn't force or nag or guilt my dad into getting a job. This is the way that my mother has always worked. She's angry at my father, so she takes it out on me, cause I'm "just like him". No wonder I hate them both.

I don't think my mum ever will come to visit. If she does, yeah, I'll charge her a B&B rate. Or she can pack off to stay at the Holiday Inn. I *won't* charge my sister, because hers was the couch I always stayed on when my mum threw me out. Usually because I hadn't washed HER dishes. Her dirty, disgusting, chicken-grease encrusted, unsoaked, baked-on FILTHY dishes which I refused on principle to touch because I was a vegetarian.

Oh god, ISSUES, me? OK, 32 is too old to still be carrying around resentment from so long ago. My mother has NEVER paid her own rent or her own mortgage in her LIFE. She went from her grandmother's house to a house that my FATHER bought. So she should have just FUCKED RIGHT OFF with her "you're paying rent" thing.

Oh, Chris, did I mention that this was in the STATES and there WAS NO DOLE MONEY?!?!? ARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!

Hoxton Holiday Inn for Kate's mum, then!(Kate is very meticulous about keeping 'veggie Kosher' to this day but thankfully I am not as crap at observing it as Kare's mum).

Also at the time my grandfather lived down the street from us, so I asked him if my mum ever had to pay 'keep' of any sort. He said no and told me to ignore her because she was just being an arse, as mortgage was less than 20 per cent of her income and mostly it waspaid by child support from my dad.

I think Kate's situation was way over the top - nobody should be immediately forced at the age of 18 into a job or course that they hate just to stay in their family home.

But I do think that if you are working already then parents have a right to ask for a contribution. Not market rates and not more than you can reasonably afford, obviously. And it's not always about needing the money to go towards the mortgage, more about kids learning to start taking responsibility for their lives.

Jesus, I appear to be turning into my dad.

I think there's a happy medium. My folx were pretty feckless about getting me off my ass as a teenager, and guess what; I can't get off my ass now! (it's their fault, goddammit!) (but then if I had more free cash as a teenager it probably would have gone into more nine inch nails albs or something, so maybe they saved me from myself.)

However, I've known people whose parents' err "financial" relationships to their kids would make your blood burn: charging sixth-grade kids a "surcharge" to use a pair of gloves when it was 20 below, that kind of thing.

My cousin got the move out or pay up from his parents when he turned 30. He was making bazillions of dollars and just saving it all up instead of moving out. Finally, he's bought a house now which I will be visiting later in the month - a two-story colonial all for himself. It's about time! Parents need to be alone to get their lives back.

If you are 12, your parents are evil people.
If you are an adult, and you a) weren't expecting this and b) are pissed off about it, then you've got problems jack.

if you're working and living at home and not paying some kind of contribution, boy are you lucky!

I do make a contribution as I work/study, which i'm fine with.

Geoff, a GLOVE SURCHARGE? Who are these wimpy Minnesotan children who did not up middle finger and say 'surcharge THIS'? (BTW my mom is one of those parents who *loves* mouthy kids as long as she gets a laugh from said mouthiness. You can also say 'fuck' around my mum if she knows you well).

Luckily for me, I've only had to live at home for one spell as a worker - and I was saving my money to move back to London. No money changed hands, but my mum asked me to cover for her in her store occasionally. Also, I was one of those kids who always had a job, whether it was babysitting from the time I was in 5th grade (apparently in the UK it's neglectful of parents to leave kids 12 and under at home alone, which would be news to every Midwestern latchkey kid I know) or working in stores, or whatever, because pocket money was something we never, ever got.

My mum also figured there would be plenty of opportunities to repay her generosity further down the line, ie. when she needs old-people care or somesuch.

You scratch my back I'll bedbath yours.

i'm 18, earn £80 p/week (they want £20 a week) on a 20 hour contract. i'm also in full-time education. i'm never even IN their fcuking house.

So what's the problem??

If you're never in their house, how can you say you live there? And if you can get food out of it as well, why don't you just give them the cash and rejoice that you're living in such a cheap place?

Once I'd finished school and was working before uni, I gave my parents I think a third of my income. It didn't seem unreasonable, but it didn't last long because I moved out soon anyway.

I don't like to pass judgement on other people, but it sounds like you've got a good deal there, thudd. How much rent would you be paying if you moved out? And do you get meals cooked, laundry done, toilets cleaned etc?

Does the term Spoiled Brat ring any bells?

I only say this coz I was that brat, I put my parents through hell with this kinda attitude and consequently I hate seeing it in others now, just wanna give them a good shake!

Well, my mum would say *generally* that it's more important for people in families to give each other a hand, as we don't give each other hand-outs (exception: she will win large prize at casino and send plane ticket). My sister still lives with her (long story) but they also run a business together and split the household bills 50/50. That's totally fair.

this house has no heating (in SCOTLAND), hot water except for shower, i buy my own food, i clean, cook for my [younger] brother and sister, and am helping them redecorate it so they can sell it. it would cost me significantly more to move out and they know i can't afford it.

£20 a week is still 100 times cheaper than living on your own. Life sucks, deal with it. Some people have parents who spoil and pamper them, some don't. In general the latter are nicer people I find.