MOVING HOUSE: How Can I Feel Better about it?

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As I've been moaning about for the past several weeks, my wife and I are moving a scant four blocks down University Place, from 12th Street (where I've lived since `96) to 9th Street. In the interests of more space, we bought a small two bedroom apartment which better suits or needs. We've been trying, in the interim, to sell my old apartment, a good sized studio/loft that acts more like a one-bedroom (via its elevated loft bed, which acts more like a second floor). It's all very necessary, and for the better etc.etc.

......but I'm utterly miserable.

For a start, generally speaking, I FEAR CHANGE! Secondly, the building we're moving to -- while perfectly fine, and mercifully in the same neighborhood -- is sort've a step-down, quality wise. It just doesn't have the character of our current place, and isn't quite as well maintained. It's choked to the gills with old folks. The elevators smell like the Subway Sandwhich place we share a basement space with (apparentlly). The apartment is fine (tho' the ceilings are lower), but I just can't help from feeling completely maudlin and depressed about the whole thing. On top of that, we've got a cranky old lady downstairs neighbor who has already complained about noise (oblivious to the fact that we haven't even moved in yet) and we're having a fuckuva hard time selling the old place, because the market's in the shitter.

Maybe the only answer is to stop my whining and be a man about this, but I am COLOSSALLY sad about this whole thing. I don't want to burden my wife about it, as I don't want her to feel guilty in some way (not that she has a reason to, mind you, just that she may somehow personalize it). I mean, she moved into this place shortly before we got married, and I'm worried she might read my angst as a lament to my lost bachelorhood (the apartment representing same). Am I just being completely neurotic about all this? How do I cheer m'self up, bearing in mind that I have REALLY NO RIGHT TO FUCKIN' COMPLAIN, apart from the fact that I'm woefully in spiralling debt right now.

The old place:

http://www.corcoran.com/images/media/UnitPhotos/58705.3.jpg http://www.corcoran.com/images/media/UnitPhotos/58705.1.jpg

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 17:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Maybe the only answer is to stop my whining and be a man about this

Always hated the implications of this phrase, sorry (then again, 'being a man' has always deeply uninterested me -- being human, that's something else).

Having moved recently back into an apartment life with neighbors around from a standalone house, I thought I would be more annoyed than I am; as it turned out it was the best thing possible. But then again, sounds like you have a slightly murkier situation and I don't blame you for being worried about debt, having recently escaped that particular hellhole myself.

I think you could do worse than actually talking to her about it. Bottling this up -- or posting it on a board she might one day want to read for whatever reason! -- seems a poor way around it. This is something you're both in on and if there are doubts and concerns, best to bring them forward.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 17:36 (twenty-two years ago)

I know this doesn't help, Alex, but those pix of your apartment are f-in great. I am so v. jelous.

Sarah McLusky (coco), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 17:40 (twenty-two years ago)

I thought this was gonna be a thread about how much moving sucks, y'know like packing everything and heaving it up and down stairs. I turned down a room in a nice 2 bedroom for March because I didn't wanna think about having to get my life together for a move in less than two weeks.

hstencil, Tuesday, 25 February 2003 17:43 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah it looks nice, alex (at last i get to see where my nemesis lurks)

are you certain she wants to move (and for example isn't thinking something similar to you: viz, "I better go through with this or Alex will be sad etc etc")?

staying for now isn't the same as staying forever
(tho also moving in somewhere new isn't the same as staying THERE forever)

TS: old ppl vs space => if yr going to feel culturally hemmed in, is that really an improvement on being physically hemmed in? which is worse (in the short term)?

mark s (mark s), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 17:46 (twenty-two years ago)

I'd rather live in a broom closet if it meant I didn't have to deal with horrible people. That said, I'm culturally and physically hemmed in right now, so whatchoogonnado? Or what am I gonna do, that is?

hstencil, Tuesday, 25 February 2003 17:49 (twenty-two years ago)

be a man about this

Sorry, Ned, I feel exactly as you do. It's just a figure of speech.

talking to her about it.

Oh, I have done. It's not like she can't tell it's bugging me, anyway. I just don't want to belabour the point.

... posting it on a board she might one day want to read

She's really not an internet gal at all, actually. Couldn't give less of a fuck about doing things 'online.' She'd rather read a book or go outside.

but those pix of your apartment are f-in great. I am so v. jelous.

Thanks, yeah, but I'm leaving this place. See why I'm upset?

how much moving sucks, y'know like packing everything and heaving it up and down stairs

Yeah, that stuff sucks as well....and I've been doing lots of it. Still, the physical labour aspect of it ain't what's bummin' me out.

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 17:54 (twenty-two years ago)

i should do this soon really:(

gareth (gareth), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 17:57 (twenty-two years ago)

are you certain she wants to move

Well, yeah. We originally were toying with the idea of trying to buy the place next door to us instead (he was selling at the time) and breaking through the wall, so to speak. But, he was asking waay too much for us, so we had to abandon that idea.

She loves this place too, but not to put too fine a point on it, you simply could not have children in this particular apartment....there's simply no room. So, basically, that's precisely why we're moving: to accomodate this next phase of our marriage/life togeter/etc. Don't think that's not stressing me out as well.

As far as cranky old people neighbors, whatever. I can live with it. I served on our co-op board here for six years, and I'm now reasonably well versed in dealing with neighbor vs. neighbor grievances.

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 17:58 (twenty-two years ago)

''On top of that, we've got a cranky old lady downstairs neighbor who has already complained about noise (oblivious to the fact that we haven't even moved in yet)''

hehehe...if this is what it's like now then I just want to see her when you start playing yr killing joke albs (even if you listen using headphones).

Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 18:09 (twenty-two years ago)

The cranky old lady downstairs neighbor does not honor the fire.

hstencil, Tuesday, 25 February 2003 18:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Not yet she doesn't. Although, for a lady who likes to bitch about noise, she certainly cranks her TV fuckin' loud enough.

I'm sure once she's unsolicitedly introduced to the majestic fury of all things Killing Joke, she'll have a thing or two to say.

http://killing-joke.com/demonteeth2.jpg

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 20:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Honoring the fire vs. Time for Wapner: FITE!

hstencil, Tuesday, 25 February 2003 20:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh there'll be FITES alright. I can tell ya that.

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 23:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Well, for those of you keepin' score, the big move was yesterday. Apart from various sundry items, the old place is now a largely empty space (although there are still pictures hanging on the walls...a visual incongruity to the rest of the apartment that I find completely heartwrenching). The actual move was a terrific pain in the rump (the movers were due to show at at 9:00 am......they didn't show until 1:30, citing "a driver's a family emergency" as their excuse. One driver can upset a professional organization's entire operation?) When they did finally arrive, however, they moved with the dizzying speed and efficiency. I've been back a few times to gather various items. Being in the apartment now is incredibly emotional and painful for me. WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET OVER THIS? I can't recall ever being this sad! I think when we finally have sold the place (whever that may be) and when all our stuff is out, and when I can no longer go into the aparment depressing myself in the empty space, I'll feel some closure....not happy closure, but the official ending of the chapter should provide some relief, no?

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Friday, 28 February 2003 01:59 (twenty-two years ago)

At least some sense that you don't have to deal with it anymore, which has got to be worth something.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 28 February 2003 02:00 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm hoping. I'm just tired of feeling so down in the dumps about this.

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Friday, 28 February 2003 02:17 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't know if it'll help or not, Alex, but I've found it easier to say good-bye to a place I've loved if I think about the good times and the life that has been celebrated within the walls - the growth that I've undergone and so forth. And I let the grieving occur - it's natural and normal and must be worked through. Then I give some sort of "thanks" to the housing gods and goddesses or luck or whatever for having given me such a place.

And then I say good-bye and leave with the fervent wish that the love I've felt will be passed along to the new residents - that they will celebrate within the walls as well.

And I move into my new space and try to keep my mind on the new opportunities that new home can offer - I think about guests and friends and lovers and family and parties and celebrations and conversations and tears of sorrow and tears of joy and laughter and new books and new music. And I look at the new opportunities offered by the new home and start to bond with the space.

One major thing I've found that helps me to settle in - a party with loved ones, to consecrate the space and make it ours.

I know all of this sounds corny and new-agey and such - but it's helped me and it might help you and your wife, as well.

I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Friday, 28 February 2003 05:02 (twenty-two years ago)

:-(

I don't know that I have much good advice- I'm one of those silly people who loves change & moving... I get more stressed if I feel too rooted in one place and too calm. I've moved around a lot over the last couple years, I always found that once my comfy armchair arrived & I put it in front of a window & spent a few evenings reading in it, then I'd start to feel happier about where I was; sort of a nice favorite blanket effect. Good luck, though. You'll settle in somehow.

lyra (lyra), Friday, 28 February 2003 05:06 (twenty-two years ago)

You're right, Laura. I'm trying to do that -- but I'm just a stentimental wallower, ultimately. Hell, I fuckin' started cryin' in front of my Super today. Even though I've known this was comin' for literally months, now that we've actually moved, I feel like someone's ripped the rug out from under me. I'm just so sad, and I hate it.

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Friday, 28 February 2003 06:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Be sad - it's okay. But don't dwell for too long. You do need to let yourself grieve, though. Really. And no matter how long you've known this is coming, when it's here it's a different sensation. Don't hate the sadnes - accept it and move through it. And sooner or later you'll come to love your new home.

I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Friday, 28 February 2003 06:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Dear god, I would CERTAINLY feel really sad about leaving a place I've lived in and loved for 7 years... even if the new place had even more to offer. You just can't walk away from something like that. But, hey, alex, I'm sure you'll get over it sooner than you think. At least it looks like there are a lot of positives with the new place, old cranky crusty ladies aside...

donut bitch (donut), Saturday, 1 March 2003 06:28 (twenty-two years ago)

You're right, of course. I mean, it's not the end of the world. But, I was back in there today....taking pictures off walls and pulling out picture hooks, etc. and it's just such a crushing downer.

The new place'll be fine. Got the ol' cable/Roadrunner hooked up today, so I can resume my fanatical posting on ILM (and elsehwere), and even splurged for the DTV cable package (perchance to see some antiquated Joke vids on "Classic VH1") As I said before, once I've sold the old place (whenever that may be) and get some closure, I'm sure that'll act as a catalyst towards moving on, but it's just like a big open wound right now.

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Saturday, 1 March 2003 06:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Did you sell your old place yet?

Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 2 March 2003 18:09 (twenty-two years ago)

It should be sold to ILX as a 'safe house' for whenever anyone visits for mad FAP action.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 2 March 2003 19:06 (twenty-two years ago)

But what if we have to hide from Alex in NYC? It won't be very safe then, will it?

Graham (graham), Sunday, 2 March 2003 19:15 (twenty-two years ago)

We shall barricade the doors.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 2 March 2003 19:16 (twenty-two years ago)

Actually I was asking if it could be sold to me.

Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 2 March 2003 20:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Ally, I'd love to sell it to you -- at least that way (a) I'd know there was some decent music playing there in my absence, (b) it'd be going to someone I like/respect/approve of, and (c) the slim and unhealthy chance that I could come and visit the place, sit quiety in the corner and wimper and sob quietly to myself (alright, maybe I shouldn't cite this as a reason).

We haven't sold it. We've had a few bids, but those prospective shareholders have either either turned out not to be too realistic (their financials or personal vital statistics not up to speed in one capacity or another) or they vanish into the proverbial thin air without the courtesy of an explanation.

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Sunday, 2 March 2003 20:13 (twenty-two years ago)

sometime next year...

BF: Um, who is that?
Me: Who?
BF: The guy in the corner. Crying.
Me: Oh, that's my friend Alex. He comes here and cries sometimes, I just ignore it mainly, sometimes I give him a cup of tea.
BF: Do you have ANY friends who aren't massive toolbags?

(huge fight erupts over whether or not everyone I know is a tool, Alex gets annoyed and lets himself out, wishing he never sold his house to imbeciles)

Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 2 March 2003 20:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Later that evening....

Ally awakes to find BF beaten, bound and gagged with a rooster mask on, sitting in the middle of a pentagram painted on the floor, the legend Honor The Fire, Heretic hastily scribbled on his chest with a red sharpie.

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Sunday, 2 March 2003 20:30 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm pretty sure he's ok with Killing Joke though.

Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 2 March 2003 20:36 (twenty-two years ago)

He best be......for his own sake.

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Sunday, 2 March 2003 20:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Philosophical question: Can you put out fires for a living and still honor the fire? Would Killing Joke approve?

Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 2 March 2003 20:41 (twenty-two years ago)

I can't imagine being a firefighter and NOT literally honoring the fire....for it is inherently his advesary. If he is to be a successful, responsible and capable firefighter, he needs to understand this nemesis and respect it.

As far as Killing Joke approving, I'm inclined to believe they'd rather see things burn.

http://www.an-irrational-domain.net/images/jaz/new1.JPG

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Sunday, 2 March 2003 20:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Voluntarily running into a burning building = THE honoring of the fire.

Though I think that Killing Joke, outside of the whole "fire, honor the" thing, would approve wholeheartedly of antics like him and his brother hacking open walls in an apartment near St. John's, filling them with hamburger meat, and then nicely patching them up, to revenge their landlord. AVOID LIVING IN APARTMENTS NEAR ST. JOHN'S. ONE OF THEM STILL SMELLS OF ROTTING MEAT.

I guess my only question is what did the landlord do to deserve it. The best I got was that he yelled at the group for being too loud.

You know, perhaps you don't want to sell your apartment to me. I am in the process of purposely destroying my current living space to get revenge on my landlord (ie my workplace), and my friends have worse track records...

Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 2 March 2003 21:29 (twenty-two years ago)

one month passes...
YO. Did you ever sell your house? I was actually genuinely interested enough in inquiring at my bank how I'd go about getting a mortgage. The woman--I kid you not--snickered at me. Like it's my fault credit card companies exist?

Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 29 April 2003 23:51 (twenty-two years ago)

I was thinking about reviving this thread today but it looks like Ally beat me to it. Alex - I can totally emphathise with you at the moment... last week I moved out of the coolest place I've ever lived and and (I suspect) the nicest house I'll ever live in in the future. We'd only been there about six months but it happened to coincide with what was without doubt the best period of my life, for so many reasons. And although leaving was pretty much unavoidable, I suddenly feel utterly miserable about it... I went back to collect the last of my stuff last night and the sight of whole place completely empty while I stood thinking about all the cool shit we'd go up to there was really, really sad, like this great chapter of my life coming to an end.

This is all exacerbated by the fact that, although my new flatmates are very cool and friendly and sociable and all that and I'm sure I'll be happy there in the long run, it's a bit of a step-down in terms of quality, and I've moved in at a time when one of them is in the middle of, shall we say, a bit of a personal issue and suddenly walking into the middle of it is eversoslightly uncomfortable. Plus I've had absolutely bugger all sleep over the past few days due to the fact that the traffic noise at night from my room is worse than I'd expected, to the extent that the Number 89 bus stop might as well be next to my pillow.

And yes, at the same time there is this little voice in the back of my head going "for fuck's sake there is nothing wrong with your life, don't you know there's just been a war?!"... I think I could really do with a few days off and a few silly nights in the pub with some cool people.

Right, that's it. Self-pitying whine over.

Matt DC (Matt DC), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 10:36 (twenty-two years ago)

i could do with nights in pub to wind down at minute!

i left house in finchley in 2000, and havent had as nice a place since then. i've lived more centrally since then, but nothing as 'home' as dollis rd

gareth (gareth), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 10:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Gareth, are you deliberately posting in Yorkshire accent at moment or am I just imagining things?

Matt DC (Matt DC), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 10:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry for the (re)tardy response (I don't peruse through ILE as much as I used to....it's scary here!). In any event....

Well, the wife and I have now been settled in the new place for a little over two months now, and things got much easier in that capacity. Once we finally got our couch from Crate & Barrell (it took ten farkin' weeks!), the place started to resemble a fully functioning home and less like some sort've expensive storage space. I've managed to acclimate (sp?) myself to my newer surroundings with more speed than I thought I would. Once we'd gotten the lion's share of our stuff out of the old place, it became less of a emotional jolt (still seeing pictures hanging on the wall of the otherwise vacant old place really put a steak-knife in my heart for some reason...as if the place had been abandoned in some life-threatening tumult or something). But, now the place is 99.9% empty.

Speaking of, we finally managed to procure a buyer. This coming Monday is his interview with the co-op board. If all goes well (which it should), he'll be approved and we can schedule a closing date. Coincidentally, my friend Tim from out of town just rang saying he needs a place to stay for next weekend, and asked if he could stay in that space (where we still have a mattress). If we haven't closed by then, I told him "fine," although I can't imagine how weird, sad and spooky it would be to spend a night there in the raw space (where he spent lots of time...the place started off as a drunken crashpad for many of my friends). Once we've closed and I hand over the keys (and pay off my considerable debts), the real weirdness will set in. After that, I'll no longer be able to go over and hang out in the space (making myself feel strange and sad), nor will I have a reason to go hang out chattin' with the staff in the lobby (all good guys).

The `fridge is still splattered with band stickers (not least indelicately monikered ones like NASHVILLE PUSSY, COP SHOOT COP and THE JESUS LIZARD) which I'm pretty unwilling to spend five hours painstakingly peeling off. The `fridge would look worse without'em on it anyway (all sorts of sticker-gook remaining, etc.) so I'm just gonna leave it. Tough tits, toots! You get a sneering Punk Rock fridge with your new home! Drink up!

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Thursday, 8 May 2003 16:23 (twenty-two years ago)

two weeks pass...
Hmmmm. Well, kinda another sad day. We managed to snag a buyer, and tonight is his "walk-through", followed by the closing tomorrow morning (wherein I'll hand the keys over). Was just over there getting rid of the mattress (ya can't give those away to charity or anything). Probably never set foot in that apartment again. Was tempted to write my initials somewhere, but didn't have a pen....and it probably isn't a good idea anyway. Oh well. Whimper. Whimper. Moan.

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 17:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Hurry! There is still time to carve initials in a closet! Bring a knife!

Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 17:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Closed on it today. =(

Big, big, big sigh.

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Wednesday, 28 May 2003 21:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Did you at least rub your buttocks on the doorknobs before you left?

Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 28 May 2003 22:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Hahaha......uh, no, I hadn't thought of that. DAMN IT ALL! OPPORTUNITIES LOST!

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Wednesday, 28 May 2003 22:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Dan, where were you when we needed you?

Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 28 May 2003 22:50 (twenty-two years ago)

two months pass...
Ran into the guy that bought my apartment on the street today. Tells me he's painted it and totally ripped out the kitchen. :::::::sigh::::::

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Saturday, 2 August 2003 01:39 (twenty-one years ago)

That should be the guy who bought my apartment, of course....

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Saturday, 2 August 2003 01:40 (twenty-one years ago)

nine months pass...
alex, how's the place?

stockholm cindy (Jody Beth Rosen), Saturday, 8 May 2004 12:53 (twenty-one years ago)

eleven months pass...
Does anyone ever get to go back to their former home?

I used to live on a busy avenue, in an apartment overlooking the street from the second floor. I once saw a presidential motorcade drive past my window. I pass by the old place infrequently, and each time I do, I always have to sneak a peek through the window. All I can usually see is the ceiling fan from the street level. I wonder if the kitchen is still painted magenta, and if the current tenants hit their heads on the cabinet doors like I used to. I wonder what they've got in the hallway where I used to keep my office. I try to imagine what I've forgotten about the place. Maybe the smell of the gas stove or the sound of the attic fan upstairs.

I was so happy when I finally moved into the house that I live in now. A house! No neighbors on the other side of the wall! Rooms with room! An actual dining room! I also started imagining what it would look like destroyed by fire. The black smudge on the walls, the water damage on the ceiling, the charred remains of the couch with the springs poking through. I don't know why my imagination always does this to me, but perhaps it has something to do with keeping things in perspective. All of our abodes are temporary, just like this life, and we should just enjoy them while we can and move on after we're done.

Nice columns at the old place, by the way.

Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Tuesday, 26 April 2005 19:07 (twenty years ago)

five months pass...
Yeah, they were great. I miss that place. I've been back in the building, but haven't seen what that guy did to my aparment (haha...my apartment).

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Monday, 17 October 2005 18:17 (nineteen years ago)

two weeks pass...
I feel you Alex. I also completely fear change and probably would never move if not for my gf.

Hurting (Hurting), Tuesday, 1 November 2005 04:45 (nineteen years ago)


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