Weirdest Thing Said To You This Week

This is worse than the cat as Hitler thing: My mom: "Well, you shouldn't run guns because that's what my father got arrested for in France".

What???

Of course!

"The first thing that made me suspicious of Osama Bin Laden was that I don't know anybody else with any of those names. Then the bombings. That made me suspicious too. You know, the first time I heard it, I thought they said Dick Van Patten had bombed our Nigerian embassy and I thought that it confirmed some grave doubts I had about the former '8 is Enough' head honcho. Turns out,it wasn't Dick, but Osama ...but 'Bin Laden' actually is Arabic for "Van Patten." Makes you think, Right?"

the question: what should we do for dinner tomorrow?

New bizarre thing: "I think the dogs think they're better than me."

FEEL MY HEAD, IT'S SWEATY

Two years ago, but still odd: small scouser (maybe 8?) on the london-birmingham line, his one piping contribution to a family discussion I wasn't checking in on: "Family values means you're going to die"

CHOP THEIR HEADS OFF ARE YOU GOING TO CHOP THEIR HEADS OFF I WANT TO WATCH

So, I did. And he was pleased.

She went to the post office to mail a letter to Ireland, so she asked the clerk how much it costs to send to Ireland. The reply:

"What country is Ireland in?"

"I can't chat now. Sally Jesse has the WORST drag queens on!" - My mom

What?! Sometimes I wonder if I have in fact been transported into an episode of TV Go Home. Like the time Songs of Praise (I wasn't intending to watch it, I was just transfixed in disbelief...) came from a church service celebrating clowns and the fact that Clowns Can Be Christians Too, and the congregation was made up of clowns in full costume tooting their old-fashioned car- horns along with the hymns, squirting each other with waterpistols disguised as flowers, ham- miming to the hymn words and unicycling up and down the aisles, the gospel reading was accompanied by two clowns in vast patchwork trousers acting along and smashing pies into each other's faces and down each other's trousers, and then Su Pollard came on to talk about how religion and comedy had so much in common before singing a song from a musical accompanied by some clowns playing trumpets disguised as ice-cream cones. Huh?!

(I swear I didn't just imagine this. I really hope I didn't, anyway...)

I've started another thread for weird TV experiences. There's another possible thread about crappy public service BBC Charter programming, but we'll save that for later ("So you think you're a good driver?" Even the title smacks of desperation to appear chummy)

'So-and-so's taking maternity leave' 'Oh, is she pregnant then?'

(All of staff receive health and safety email marked 'This is NOT optional!! regarding a 'workstation assessment'): 'So do we have to do this thing then?'.

Of course, when their numbskullery causes me to snap I am a total bitch. Sigh.......

Me: "What? But how..."

Woman: "She just keeps buying more and more".

Me: "Oh, you mean..."(tails off as she continues to talk)

"It just occurred to me, Cobain offed himself 8 years ago next month! Damn it seems like just yesterday...."

I am trusting that he wasn't looking at the work and pondering how to end it all.

Also most bizarre text message was last night in capital letters "THERE IS A BLITZ NOW ON". Not sure who sent it to me either.

Look of shock on child's face as he reached up to feel his hair.

Makes you wonder - they make people get driver's licenses to drive.