Getting my parents to accept who I am (Yet Another Advice Thread)

I think you are a brave person to admit you need help sorting out your feelings and problems. Your parents are dead wrong. Although I can't think of a time this has happened to me, my girlfriend was in quite a mess for a while and it was the opposite of how you feel. I KNEW she had some sort of generalized anxiety disorder and she just aboslutely refused the idea, no doctor, no talking to anyone about it. She's just like her mother. She can't stand the thought of not being perfect. Now THATS fucked up. She still has yet to see a doctor, and I must say, after years of being with her, and spending time with her and talking to her, she has improved quite a bit... but I'm always afraid those emotions will kick back in again and things will be the way they were. Glad to see you are getting help. Take care.
Optimae Voluntates!

Definitely keep the appointment and do what you feel like you need to, Caitlin. The thing that sucks about parents is when you realize that they're fallable human beings just like everybody else -- the rub is that you (i.e. everyone) depend on them for things like support and approval, so when they're wrong (like they are now) it's a tough position. So, to answer your question, there's no easy way to you get them to accept you, but the truth is that like Ms. Falana said that they're not thinking about your best interests but rather about how if you're not happy that they are somehow "failures" as parents (I'm reading between the lines, but that's clearly why they don't want to admit that you're not happy/unwell). You simply have to keep doing what you know is best for you and hope that they eventually figure it out for themselves. It's a tough spot but the fact that you're actively seeking out help is fabulous and means you're well on your way. Best of luck and ditto glad you're getting help.

You have my sympathies, Caitlin. I think you have a hell of a difficult task in convincing your parents that this is something real and important, and you know what is right for you. Definitely keep the appointment, and pursue it as you know you need to. There is help and treatment (I mean hormones, surgery, whatever seems right, not a cure for your madness!) to be had. Good luck.

If your parents continue bothering you like this, tell them that, as an adult, you respect their opinions but you're going to go ahead and do what you think is right for your life, taking on the attendant responsibilities and consequences.

I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH AARON. Good thinking, dude. Parents always want to be the perfect human beings/models for their kids. It's tough when they can't be for both parent and child alike.

It will probably take a while for your parents to understand how you feel about this -- if they ever do. This might be obvious, but remember that they haven't had to think all this through nearly as much as you have, and that they really don't think of you as something grappling with these problems -- after all, for most of your life, as far as they could tell, you haven't been, and no matter how much you explain this to them, it is still a very new aspect of you for them. (It's much easier for your friends or internet buddies to deal with this, because it doesn't force them to radically rethink who you are.)

So listen to their advice, but don't heed it. And try to keep communicating with them -- eventually they will (hopefully) realize how profoundly you've been thinking about this and how serious you are about it.

Also: Your parents could be reacting a lot worse to this stuff.

Also: Have you joined any sort of support group (in real life or online) to talk to others who are going through (or have already gone through) these problems? (You probably have. I am probably being obvious here. But that is what I do.) It sounds like you really want to hear stories from other people who've gone through this particular change.

Thanks everyone.

I'm definitely going to keep going to see the consultant; I never really considered not going just because of my parents. I know that the feelings I have are never going to go away; I hoped for long enough that they would.

Maybe I am hoping too much for a quick-fix solution. It took me over a year, from first admitting to myself what I wanted, to talking about it with my GP. It's just over two months now since I first talked to my parents about it; it's not surprising that they haven't accepted it yet. What gets me down is the tone of their conversations: my mother constantly pleading and my father accusatory.

What I really need are ideas about how to educate them a bit, but subtlely. My mother's already said that she thinks I've been led astray by reading information on the net - "things were much better years ago when people were less open about things," she said - so pointing them towards support literature is unlikely to help. The best plan I can think of is to see if I can get in touch with the priest at my mother's church - he'll remember me, I used to read the lesson in services - and try to persuade him to take her aside after a service, and say something like "you've been looking a bit stressed lately, is there something troubling you?" in the hope that she will at least open up a bit and start talking to someone else about how she feels about me.

I've not found any support groups yet, but I haven't really looked. The consultant said she would be able to supply details of local groups, and there's a friend of a friend who, I've been told, will probably know about them too. I met her at a party once, so I know she's friendly and approachable :-)

You might get better advice from support groups than from us (though I also have reason to think otherwise, but you might be lucky). How you can bring them round, other than being calm and reasonable and firm (as far as you can manage that), I've no idea. You know him and I don't, but are you sure the priest is a good bet? I'd have thought many priests might not be on your side, sorry to say.

Well, he's caring and compassionate in that warm, fuzzy Anglican way. I hope that even if he wasn't on my side as such, he'd want to do the best he could for my mother's wellbeing. The main point of the idea was getting her to open up about it and talk to someone. I'm sure she won't have mentioned it to any of her friends, and getting her to talk to people about it will, I hope, be a big help.

Caitlin - it's a tough path you're walking - I've two relatives who are trannies, one M2F and one F2M (the latter is actually visiting me this week - yippee!) Anyway, I know that this situation is going to be very dificult for your family to deal with, no matter how you approach the subject. I *strongly* recommend that you seek out some support groups - they can help you learn some coping strategies to get through some of the challenges that you're going to be facing. Also, there are some groups for family and friends of TS people - it would be worth seeking more information out local groups, if you can, to refer your family toward.

Book-wise, here are my recommendations:
Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women, and the Rest of Us - Kate Bornstein
My Gender Workbook - Kate Bornstein
Transgender Nation - Gordene Olga Mackenzie
Dress Codes: Of Three Girlhoods--My Mother's, My Father's, and Mine - Noelle Howey.

The last book is actually by a cousin-through-marriage of mine - it's fairly sympathetically told, from the point of view of watcher her father transition from male to female. It's painful reading, in parts, and heartbreaking in others. But it also has some good advice (like "Coming Out" parties and how to write letters telling people about the transition and so forth).

When my brother-in-law is here later in the week I'll ask him for further reading resources and suggestions.
It hurts to say this, but some people cannot accept the idea of someone being transgenderd and their family - you will develop a large "family of choice" within the transgendered community and their families, but it may be too painful for your family to accept, especially initially. But this is something that you must do for yourself and for your sanity. Ultimately, parents want their children to lead happy, fulfilling lives. Perhaps, as you move more and more into public expressions of your female-self, your parents will be able to see that this is the real you and that you are happier than you've ever been.

Keep yourself thinking positive and all - if you want to talk privately, drop me an email or grab me on AIM (ImPasinOpnWindos).

can you bring your parents to one of your appointments? I'm sure experts like her are master debunkers of sophisms like the ones your parents are entertaining. tell them this could be very informative for them; at best this should give them the tools they need to accept you and help their social network (like the rest of your famely) to accept you.

Yes, the consultant suggested that herself, and I mentioned it to my mother. The first problem is that they live 250 miles away and only visit a couple of times a year. The main problem is that at present they aren't willing to accept that there is anything for them to learn; they think it's me that needs to change my mind, not them. My mother's response to the idea was "But that won't change anything!"

In high school I knew a very likeable young woman. I acted in school plays. She liked to work at set construction and lighting. She had a delightful sense of humor, a great smile, and was a thoroughgoing "tomboy". About ten years later I heard she had undergone a sex change operation. My only thought was, I bet she hasn't changed all that much and if I knew how to get in touch, I'd send him a friendly note.

As for your parents, of course they'll have a very hard time adjusting to this. Just keep reassuring them that you will always be the child they loved and raised, that you love them and that whatever you do, it is because you need it to be happy. Parents want their children to be happy. They want them to find a suitable mate and a full life. Let them know that you can't exactly get on with all that important business until you settle this matter.

If you eventually consider a sex change operation, remind them that no sane person would let a scalpel near their genitals for a frivilous or confused reason. You have to be dead serious and see no other choice. That may connect.

Good luck. Keep a good grip on your courage. It will come in handy a lot.

My mother's response to the idea was "But that won't change anything!"
excellent...
it might be negative feedback but at least it's feedback!
ask your consultant where to go from there to change their output (or to "trick" them following their current bad reasoning)