Woman delights not me; no, nor men neither

I've just had the weirdest experience. Went to a club and Horton turned up. Cue weirdness and him being a fuckwit as usual, blah blah blah. This bloke starts buying me beers and obviously trying to distract me from Horton standing right by my elbow. Bloke talks to me, turns out to be crazy weird fuckedup superintelligent soundlab art guy who has done all this amazing stuff, like installations at Sonar and things like that, played gigs in abandonned nuclear bunkers in Scotland with Sonic Boom, we're really hitting it off having this amazing conversation. And then he suddenly turns around and says "So is this short annoying guy going to be a problem?" And I turn around and go "WHAT?" And he suddenly drunkenly declares that he fancies me. And the thought hasn't even crossed my mind. Because, he's like, gorgeous, and intelligent, and successful in his field and totally Out Of My League and I haven't even noticed him hitting on me because I've been too obsessed with Whoreton.

I'm kinda blown away. Gave him my phone number, but I wouldn't take him because I don't wanna get caught up in that psychosis of "do I call him or what?"

Horton left by himself, after trying a couple of times to come up to me and talk. Joe walked me home, didn't even try to try it on, kiss on the cheek and a shake of my hand. I get home and there's a message saying we're supporting the Bangles. I feel so blown away and weird.

i get bored of "the fantasy," but it sort of depends whose fantasy you mean. all the ones meant for me i'm bored with.

but yeah, falling in love and all that - a convenient fiction. and I speak as someone who is in wuv.

Radioastronomy. And gigs in Scottish nuclear bunkers with Sonic Boom. And installations at Sonar. This guy is WAY too cool for me. He must have just been drunk and felt sorry for me.

And I'm gonna wake up tomorrow, be sober, and find an APRIL FOOL!!! message on my mobile from Michael Steele. except it's March.

Yeah, but you're the only one who experiences it like that. Sorry, but to me it's a novel. Your last post was like some Victorian serialised thing where the chapter goes along nicely until the cliffhanger of "I get home and there's a message saying we're supporting the Bangles". I can't wait for the next episode. I wanna know what happens with the Bangles. I wanna know about radioastronomy. The shit you take is for US!

I wish I didn't want to be with someone so badly, really, because it seems so pathetic and unnecessary.

I haven't been in love very often, though. I was in love with someone I could never, ever, possibly have a while ago, but I got myself over that by blanking it...

Love is the everyday, the small stuff; it is your friends being there for you, it is realising your parents really did mean well even though you hated them at the time; it is appreciating a relationship for the beauty it has every day even though the person you love more than anything will never be your "boyfriend" - because he's your best friend and that's even better. It is your pet unequivocally adoring you; it is throwing your 32nd birthday party and having twice the friends you even knew you had showing up and making you feel appreciated and loved in return.

I realise thats not "love" in the smooshy couple sense but you know something - I realised a long time ago that isn't love. Its just this trick that hooks you into getting together with another person. Then it quietly takes it's leave one day. And that is the test. If you still have every reason to want to be with that person once the buzz slips out the door at 3am one morrning; if being around them is still a part of your life you wouldn't be without, then that's really love.

Its as rare as fuck, and so it isn't worth upsetting yourself if it never seems to happen. You just gotta make it happen every day in other ways instead.

Erm. Sorry for overly profound and wanky post. I've just had an incredible birthday weekend and come to realise lots about what makes Life Good.

Currently I am not at tired of the fantasy of falling in love; I am just tired. Bleh. But I have gone through phases where I was tired of it and yes it was very nice indeed.

Now I have some feelings for someone that I don't know another word for so I use the word love. There are other words too: safe, comforted, present, clarity, warmth, solidity, content, supported, progressive, joyful, calm, tall. And maybe just a hint of crazy with a headache.

I like this love thing. I do not like that circumstances are making it damn hard for us to spend time alone together.

I dreamed about it all last night. In the dream, I was having sex with SoundArtist guy, and Horton kept messaging me the entire time. Gee, symbolic or what? He doesn't email me in real life any more, but he ruins my dream sexlife with it.

(because you don't fucking go OUT, carlin, except to go to crap job and buy fucking books and records, that's why)

He said he probably wouldn't call until next week, coz he said he was mad busy. He's just sold a piece, and hey, I've got to go on tour with The Bangles (can I just say that every thirty seconds please?) so no, I'm not really expecting him to call very soon.

Yes, the question remains, is the short annoying guy going to be a problem? I don't know. I would have thought that he would be relieved that I had found someone else to obsess over. Ach, who cares, I am going to listen to NOW and process some invoices.