is it possible to have sex with a friend without ruining the friendship?

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got my eye on somebody, have known them for a while. should i go there?

― regular, Tuesday, 25 March 2003 01:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Depends on the friend, obv.

― Nicole (Nicole), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 01:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Depends on whether they agree to it or not, obv.

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 01:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Depends on whether or not they remember it in the morning, obv.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 01:44 (twenty-two years ago)

I once heard that 'the French' believe that men and women can't truly be friends until they have had sex.

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 01:46 (twenty-two years ago)

If you're open to the possibilities that will inevitably open up for greater intimacy, possible relationship, etc., and you think it's worth risking the friendship if they don't also want these things, then yes.

If you want to have sex and yet maintain everything else as is, then no, it won't happen.

FWIW, I've had sex with two friends and both friendships ended very badly as a direct result.

― xoxo, Tuesday, 25 March 2003 01:46 (twenty-two years ago)

I once heard "The French" possess tails.

― Matt (Matt), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 01:51 (twenty-two years ago)

And can fly.

― Matt (Matt), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 01:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Freedom Sex!

― JuliaA (j_bdules), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 01:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Have you got close to this person as a subsitute for sex with them? Or have feelings just developed that have surprised you?

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 01:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry if my answer sounded a little flip but there wasn't much detail to go on. It depends on a lot of things...are you looking for just sex, or a relationship, or what? And do you think your friend is looking for the same things you are? Without that, it would seem silly to just say "Yeah, go for it", etc...

― Nicole (Nicole), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 01:55 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't have any firsthand experience, because I avoided it. My secondhand experience -- knowing people who've slept with friends while intending to keep things friendly -- has been fairly negative. I've known people who used the "lure" of no-strings sex on people they had a romantic interest in, hoping that it would lead to something more, while being dishonest about that with the friend. That'd be a bad idea. I've known people whose friendship got weird once one person moved on to a real relationship -- and it got really weird in one instance when the other person had a sense of entitlement, of "but I should still be able to sleep with you, you haven't been dating him very long."

In theory, I can see it working, I just see it fall apart more often than not. No idea if that just says something about my friends, though.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 01:58 (twenty-two years ago)

knowing people who've slept with friends while intending to keep things friendly

"intending to keep things only friendly," I meant to say.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 01:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Get really pissed and then make an attempt to kiss them which you may well find yourself regretting for the rest of your life.

― Gatinha (rwillmsen), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 02:01 (twenty-two years ago)

The statements I made above are not opinions; they are immutable laws which apply to all people in all situations at all points in time. Disregard them at your own risk.

― xoxo, Tuesday, 25 March 2003 02:26 (twenty-two years ago)

anyway, the answer to the question is yet

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 03:02 (twenty-two years ago)

well, "Moonlighting" sucked after David and Maddie did it. Consider whether latent sexual tension serves a signigicant role in sustaining your platonic friendship, as it is. If so, having sex would force your relationship to a crisis (get together or fall apart)

― Aaron A., Tuesday, 25 March 2003 03:42 (twenty-two years ago)

i have this really bad feeling that 75% of my platonic female friendships are going just on subsumed sexual tension

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 03:46 (twenty-two years ago)

I've had it totally alter the course of the friendship, but since those friendships were as often as not based on the fact that we wanted to fuck anyway it doesn't seem relevant. And I've had friends who've stayed friends once the sex happened, too--usually we had privileges (as dumb a phrase as that is), so it was all in the clear. right now I have a friend I'm leaning closer to on the "gee I'd really like to have sex w/you" front, though I don't think she wants to, so I'm keeping mum about it; shouldn't be a big deal.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 03:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Why is everybody dancing around the question? The answer is "no."

― J0hn Darn1elle (J0hn Darn1elle), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 03:49 (twenty-two years ago)

haha did i actually type "the answer to the question is yet" up there? i am a nimrod these days

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 03:52 (twenty-two years ago)

possible, yes. which doesn't mean it's necessarily a good idea (to raise it or for it to happen).

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 04:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Pretty close to 99% of mine fall into that category, Jess, especially those whom I've known since before they met their partner.
There are many relats like that, but I'll illustrate by isolating one, and I'll call her X.

X and I are fond of each other. We know those feelings are there. They give the relationship an extra tang which I (and maybe X as well) would miss like hell if it ever disappeared. We flirt, we hug and kiss goodbye, we may share a meal or a bottle of red, sometimes hubby may be there as well, sometimes not but it doesn't make an iota of difference either way. First and last, we are dear friends who have known each other for many years.

But I also know there's no way on God's green earth I'd ever do anything anywhere near as stupid as 'make a move', certainly not if she was happy in her relationship. I have too much respect for the individuals concerned and I've put too much time into building our friendship to risk it.

If I am in a relationship and that ends, I turn to X for comfort. If I've split from her, where do I go then?

― Fred Nerk, Tuesday, 25 March 2003 04:07 (twenty-two years ago)

― ron (ron), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 04:08 (twenty-two years ago)

oops ;-)

― ron (ron), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 04:09 (twenty-two years ago)

as soon as the man-part goes into the woman or the man-part goes into the man-part-that-women-have-as-well or the woman-part-that-men-have-as-well goes up against the woman-part or whatever kind of sex you're planning on having, the friendship is over. there will be jealousy, there will possessiveness, there will be hurt feelings. you might be able to get through and come out friends on the other side, but you'll be different friends. maybe better, maybe not.

what's worse though is becoming friends with someone while you're having sex with them. it just kills the sex.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 04:35 (twenty-two years ago)

..or have the friendship die like dog (before the sex kills it). that tends to remove the desire as well.

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 05:07 (twenty-two years ago)

hate fucks for all

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 05:09 (twenty-two years ago)

I find often the lines btwn friends and lovers/crushes/fuckbuddies can be blurred for me, but maybe I'm weird. Put it this way - its working fine for me right now but this guy was probably an interest/crush before he became a friend and the two things went in parallel. And have worked in a bizarre way that I'm continually amazed by and very thankful for cause I know how rare it is.

But I've watched other friends when theyve asked me "should I go for it with X?" and its so hard when you know X is not at all interested but you dont want to discourage Y.

That wasn't even an answer was it. "Mostly not, but you could be lucky, how much do you like taking risks?" is my answer :)

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 05:17 (twenty-two years ago)

i have known the person for quite some time, but we have always had a flirtatious friendship. its not a very deep friendship. i want sex from this person. i don't think i want to get romantically involved with them. i have never fucked any of my friends before. i don't want to develop romantic feelings for this person. what are the chances of this happening?

― regular, Tuesday, 25 March 2003 05:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Don't do this! I've pulled this stunt twice before and it blew up in my face both times.

― J-rock (Julien Sandiford), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 05:48 (twenty-two years ago)

how did it blow up in your face?

― regular, Tuesday, 25 March 2003 05:49 (twenty-two years ago)

this guy was probably an interest/crush before he became a friend and the two things went in parallel.

help her, Dan.

― Aaron A., Tuesday, 25 March 2003 05:52 (twenty-two years ago)

You can always make more friends.

― bnw (bnw), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 05:56 (twenty-two years ago)

"known for some time"+"flirtatious"+"not very deep friendship"+"i don't think i want romantic involvement"+"never fucked a friend"+"don't want romantic feelings"

you will fuck. your friends will all say they knew it would happen. they will not know exactly how to deal with you two, eventually treating you like a couple.

you will not be able to dissociate sex behavior from relationship behavior: not just the act, but the foreplay, the cuddling, the pillow talk.

when in public you will fall into couple patterns of behavior. your friends will insist your are in a relationship. you will deny it. your friend-lover will begin to flirt with another. you will feel piercing pangs of jealousy.

you will flirt with another. your friend-lover will feel piercing pangs of jealousy.

you will be so wrapped up in each other you both will neglect to flirt with anyone and will therefore be in a relationship by default.

― xoxo, Tuesday, 25 March 2003 05:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Aaron - eh? (hah, pun not intended)

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 05:59 (twenty-two years ago)

xoxo you are so very very OTM

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 05:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Aaron - eh? (hah, pun not intended)

seemed ripe for a dan perry bawdy misinterpretation. has he not been around for a few days, btw?

― Aaron A., Tuesday, 25 March 2003 06:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh of course. I'm not paying attention today, heh.

As for:

you will fuck. your friends will all say they knew it would happen. they will not know exactly how to deal with you two, eventually treating you like a couple.

you will not be able to dissociate sex behavior from relationship behavior: not just the act, but the foreplay, the cuddling, the pillow talk.

Well thats so OTM to whats going on with me I need a band-aid for the ouch.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 06:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Regular, To answer your question, it blew up in my face when feelings changed. My friend assured me on several occasions that everything was cool and that we were still "just friends" and that I should just relax and enjoy our little fling. After a while she realized that she wanted more and when I told her I wasn't looking to get serious she didn't take it very well. It took several months for things to get back to normal and even though this was almost a year ago, things still aren't exactly the way they were before, and they never will be again.

― J-rock (Julien Sandiford), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 06:24 (twenty-two years ago)

You have to wonder though - if the best partner is someone who's also a best mate, where's the line drawn? Just to play devil's avocado...

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 06:27 (twenty-two years ago)

the trick is to become best partner-mates before simply becoming best mates.

in other words: date, swoon, relationship: exactly what you're trying to avoid by doing your mate.

― xoxo, Tuesday, 25 March 2003 06:36 (twenty-two years ago)

The thing is that if I had been looking for a relationship, my friend would have made an excellent choice - she's cute, smart, funny, nice etc. The thing is that it was never about that. In spite of the fact that there was some physical chemistry, I always considered her to be just a friend. That certain something, a "spark" for lack of a better word, was never there - at least for my part. That's the crucial element.

― J-rock (Julien Sandiford), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 06:41 (twenty-two years ago)

It happened to me once and we only did it that one time and it didn't affect our phriendship for the worse.

Jan

― Jan Geerinck (jahsonic), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 07:32 (twenty-two years ago)

...They give the relationship an extra tang ...

Where the hell is Dan???

― nickn (nickn), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 07:34 (twenty-two years ago)

my words: no regrets.

this can go either way... btw.

― gygax! (gygax!), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 07:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Possible, yes. Advisable, no. Unless you both have a really good sense of humor about these things.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 07:36 (twenty-two years ago)

it's good to have a lover who's your friend. other way round doesn't work as well.

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 08:38 (twenty-two years ago)

No. Next question.

Have done it. Several times. Have always destroyed the friendship.

But don't listen to me, I can't even be friends with people I'm sleeping with, so why should I be able to sleep with people I'm friends with?

― kate, Tuesday, 25 March 2003 09:01 (twenty-two years ago)

okay it looks like i probably won't do it. even if i didn't get attached to the person, they might get attached to me, and i'd feel bad about that. why you hate my fun?

― regular, Tuesday, 25 March 2003 09:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Well, I've never actually slept with a friend, but many times I've done things with my friends which go beyond "ordinary friendship" (kissing, cuddling, petting etc.). These things happen usually when neither party has been dating anyone for some time, so a bit of intimacy and warmth feels nice. But because we both know why this happens, and that there is no romantic feelings involved, it doesn't feel wrong. I guess having sex would stretch this a bit far, but if we would still know what we're doing and why - I guess it would be okay.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 09:16 (twenty-two years ago)

I am breaking my vow of swearing off ILX just to come back to this thread, for now, juts to say DO NOT DO THIS, PLEASE, I DID THIS AND POTENTIALLY LOST BOTH THE FRIEND AND THE HARD-ON IT DOESNT LAST IF U WNT A BEDFRIEND LOOK UP YAHOO PERSONALS FOR THAT PURPOSE BUT DONT DO YOUR REAL FRIENDS IF U CHERISH THEM SINCE SEX ALTERS HUMAN EMOTIONS AND IT CREATES ALL SORTS OF RELATIONSHIP ISSUES LISTEN TO YOUR SOUL NOT YOUR HORMONES

STOP

― Vic (Vic), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 09:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Amen Vic!

― J-rock (Julien Sandiford), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 09:51 (twenty-two years ago)

J0hn Darn1elle is OTM. NO. NO. And again NO.

― SittingPretty (sittingpretty), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 10:15 (twenty-two years ago)

How can you have sex with someone who isn't your friend, unless you pay for it?

― Marcello Carlin, Tuesday, 25 March 2003 10:56 (twenty-two years ago)

aren't there different levels to a friendship?

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 10:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Having sex with someone who isn't your friend is easy. An obvious example would be a one night stand with someone you met at a party or club. You may like that person but a couple hours of drunk conversation doesn't make them your friend.

― J-rock (Julien Sandiford), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 11:01 (twenty-two years ago)

I meant "pay for it" in the moral as well as financial sense.

― Marcello Carlin, Tuesday, 25 March 2003 11:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Gotcha. I dunno, but I hear some people can. It would be a neat trick to learn.

― J-rock (Julien Sandiford), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 11:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Possible, yes. But very very very VERY dangerous, as I think should be clear from everybody's responses here, and you shouldn't assume that the rare lucky one will be you. I think the urgent & key preconditions here are a) it's a satisfying-your-curiosity rather than acting-on-longing situation, and b) you only do it once.

― Douglas (Douglas), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 11:17 (twenty-two years ago)

The "only doing it once" point is urgent and key and needs to be discussed more.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 11:18 (twenty-two years ago)

VERY!!!

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 11:18 (twenty-two years ago)

Classic if you're in a relationship already with one of the friend's friends, classicker if the friend is ALSO in a relationship with one of YOUR friends. Dud however if the friend is an emo-type person which most chicks are tho, so mainly dud, unless you're guaranteed to be leaving the area within the week

― dave q, Tuesday, 25 March 2003 12:52 (twenty-two years ago)

I think the real question here is why don't you want to have a relationship with this person? You mention them as being your friend and someone you care about and you're obv. sexually attracted to them, what's the problem?

Whatever, it can be done pretty easily as long as everyone involved is honest about it.

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 14:49 (twenty-two years ago)

It can work fine, and sometimes it is the way to a much truer friendship BUT...

Never sleep with someone unless you are happy for everyone to know, because everyone WILL find out.

This is THE LAW. It is IMMUTABLE.

― toraneko (toraneko), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 14:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh yeah, no matter what you do.

Ok, granted, the two times I've slept with friends neither one was hidden very well. I mean for god's sake two people were in the next room over with one of them but the principal is still the same.

Haha with the guy I'm seeing right now, we're on some arbitrary furtive mission to hide the fact, which seems silly because there's really a limited basis for it other than it's pretty cool to sneak around. This has nothing to do with the thread.

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 14:59 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't understand why some people are so comfortable with giving a universal no to this. It is possible, because I've done it. I had sex with a very, very good friend a couple of times some years back, and it has done the friendship, which continues strongly to this day, no harm whatsoever. I obviously won't generalise from this - it depends on the people and the relationship, and you know those and I don't.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 18:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Martin = our very own Ethical Slut.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 18:52 (twenty-two years ago)

better an ethical slut than.. well, nevermind.

― luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 18:54 (twenty-two years ago)

A slutty ethicist?

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 18:54 (twenty-two years ago)

That sounds hott! Slutty anything-ist sounds hott, actually.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 19:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Woody Allen's "Whore of Mensa" to thread!

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 19:21 (twenty-two years ago)

this kind of stuff is a lot easier to deal with if you never, ever have "feelings" for other people me, i love vinyl. vinyl is good to me. my records never sleep with any of my friends or cause me to feel pangs of jealousy.

― j fail (cenotaph), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 19:25 (twenty-two years ago)

"slutty jurist"

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 19:32 (twenty-two years ago)

Jan Greeninck is otm way up there.

― Cozen (Cozen), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 19:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Is it possible to work? Yeah. Is it rare? Hell yeah.
The "just once" thing is a good point, but if it's good you'll want to go there again.
In my experience one or both people are lying to the other person and/or themselves during a friends-with-benefits situation.
Think about this: if you love them as a friend and you love them as a lay, yr gonna be like, why can't we be together? *Then* it's a shit or get off the pot issue. And there's prob'ly a reason you were only friends in the first place. Also think of this: even if you only like them as a friend, odds are if they got involved w/someone and had to tell you, "look, we can't do this 'benefits' thing anymore," you'd prob'ly still feel dumped in a way. Feel me?

― praying mantis (praying mantis), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 20:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Okay, but promise me that we'll still hang out, mantis.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 20:35 (twenty-two years ago)

How does this sex thing work anyway? I remember something about it in school, I think...

― ChristineSH (chrissie1068), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 20:38 (twenty-two years ago)

"is it possible to have sex with a friend without ruining the mattress?"

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 20:40 (twenty-two years ago)

i don't really care if everyone in town knows whether i sleep with this person or not - though i doubt my friends will care as they mostly don't know the other party, we move in different social circles. i don't want a relationship with the person because i am too busy making hot whoopee with ilx, obviously. and anyway me and the other party don't have the "right" things in common. but thats only speaking from my perspective - the other party may find it different. and see if it turned out to be good, of course i would want to sleep with them again, so i guess i'd better not open up any cans o worms.

― regular, Tuesday, 25 March 2003 20:53 (twenty-two years ago)

'Is it possible to have sex with a friend watching without ruining the sex?'

― ChristineSH (chrissie1068), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 20:58 (twenty-two years ago)

'Is it possible not to have sex with Martin?'

― Chris P (Chris P), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 21:00 (twenty-two years ago)

'Is it possible to have sex?! HUH?'

― ChristineSH (chrissie1068), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 21:03 (twenty-two years ago)

See, you need to spend more time with Martin...

― Chris P (Chris P), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 21:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Ok, granted, the two times I've slept with friends neither one was hidden very well. I mean for god's sake two people were in the next room over with one of them but the principal is still the same.

!!!!

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Wednesday, 26 March 2003 03:26 (twenty-two years ago)

I shouldn't share that much information anymore.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 26 March 2003 03:40 (twenty-two years ago)

especially not with "the principal"

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Wednesday, 26 March 2003 03:49 (twenty-two years ago)

The next Playboy spread: the Naughty Schoolgirls of ILX.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 26 March 2003 03:50 (twenty-two years ago)

And but then again I have known people who have had difficulty being friends with people they hadn't slept with. You just have to get it over with before the friendship gets firmly entrenched.

― Chris P (Chris P), Wednesday, 26 March 2003 06:08 (twenty-two years ago)

some of you are talking as though having sex always leads to relationships, and some are talking as though because we are friends we have the same friends. i am not making any hard and fast decisions here. i am going to see how it plays out. as i have said, i am not THAT close to the person that our friendship matters that much. but if it all turns sour i would miss the horizontal dancing on gay night. *sigh*

― regular, Wednesday, 26 March 2003 10:13 (twenty-two years ago)

I have had sex with friends and not lost their friendships as a result of the sexual interaction. However, we only ended-up in bed together after we had discussed the implications and so forth. Well, except for the one time where it was just spur-of-the-moment and was pretty damn amazing - but he came out of the closet a month later, so I am not certain what that says about our sexual escapades.

Anyway, I don't think that a generalized "yes" or "no" can be given to such a question - it depends on the individuals and the situation and the levels of trust and so forth. I recommend talking it out and going from there.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Wednesday, 26 March 2003 22:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Please don't do it if you think the other person might be much more serious about you than you are about you are about them.

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 26 March 2003 23:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Please don't do it if you think the other person might be much more serious about you than you are about you are about them.

Is this person you?!

― Lara (Lara), Thursday, 27 March 2003 16:46 (twenty-two years ago)

four weeks pass...

OUCH this morning I told my roommate I wanted to kiss her and was ROUNDLY REJECTED.

― Aaron A., Friday, 25 April 2003 20:49 (twenty-two years ago)

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