Playing hard to get: why does it work?

playing hard to get and wanting to bed got strikes me as a bit of a mug's game, tbh.

Personally, I find it a load of bollocks. I've wasted half my life chasing after boys who either Played Hard To Get or just plain played around with my emotions. It's only effective up to a point, but it's manipulation. Oh, what a difference with Handsome Soundartist. Even if it only lasts a month, I am happy. He's discovered the secret - he treats me like a princess, so in return, I treat him like a prince. No game-playing, just nice honesty.

However, there is a slight difference with Tuomas' case. Coming on too strong can be very scary and intimidating for a girl. Perhaps you shouldn't play hard to get, so much as tone down, and let her take the lead. If she is interested, she will let you know, and she feels more "in control" - and therefore, she is better able to express her emotions towards you.

The latter sounds kind of boring.

Well, if your idea of interesting is headgames and endless emotional pain, I've got some ex-lovers' phone numbers I could pass on.

Thanks for the advice. That I'll have to "tone down" is something which I have indeed come to realize, and that's probably why I didn't want act so eager this time. But I'm not willing to play games either, because that just isn't me. I'm seeing the girl next week, we'll see how it works out.

in your case, tuomas, i think it might be that you went to fast for the other person, put too much on too soon. i think the best things are not when someone is playing hard to get rushing it, but when both people take things at about the same pace, so it feels equal, so that there isnt a pursuer and a pursued. the thing is, with a new person you don't really know their feelings yet, if you come on too strong for that person you will scare them away, even if they might potentially like you, whereas if you are a bit more hands off and have a lighter touch, while still showing interest, you kind of put the onus a little on to the other person instead of taking it all for yourself.

also, sometimes people can be like "yea, he's kind of nice, maybe, i'm not sure, maybe i could get to know him/her a little better", ie, they're not entirely sure of their own emotions yet, and by coming on too strong you are forcing their hand, perhaps before they are ready

it is also about how you view relationships i think. is a relationship something that suddenly just appears from scratch, or is it something that builds gradually. neither is 'right' of course, but can have bearings on how it will work out for you

and remember, they have to like you, for the person you are, not as a pursuant. why do you think it is that people always say they are more popular when they already have a partner? because they are natural, not predatory. you see them relaxed. they have to want you as well as you wanting them

I hate cuddwe.

but since i have no idea on how to do this:

''whereas if you are a bit more hands off and have a lighter touch, while still showing interest, you kind of put the onus a little on to the other person instead of taking it all for yourself''

I probably have no choice. I'm tired of suffering in silence.

that's a REALLY GOOD love song. sheezus.

-DO call her when you say that you'll call her. This is a biggie for me. For the first contact, it's probably better to give the person you're interested in your phone number and say "Hey, if you want to see me, give me a call!" She has responded to your move and called you, so way to go. But keep it balanced, call her as often as she calls you. If one person is always doing the calling, that isn't fair to that person.

-Treat her in a way that will make *her* bloom. Compliment her gently. Don't go overboard, but if she looks like she's made an effort with her appearance, say "Oh, you look very nice today!" (Don't overdo it with "Oh, honey, I love what you've done with your hair" or she'll think that you're gay.) But make her feel good about herself, and she will respond by associating seeing you with feeling attractive and feeling nice. Show an interest in her in a way that engages her - ask her questions about her interests, and *listen* to her. It's lovely that you're feeling in bloom, but treat her like a flower, and she will blossom, too.

Oh god, SHOOT ME!!! Can you believe that I am saying these things? I am a cynic! I hate love! How can this have happened? It took a boy being NICE to me to turn me from the board's most raging misanthrope into a total romantic in the space of three weeks!

I guess I’ll have to change my plan,
I should have realized there’d be another man,
I overlooked that point completely,
Until the big affair began,

Before I knew where i was at,
I found myself upon the shelf, and that was that,
I tried to reach the moon but when I got there,
All that I could get was the air,

My feet are back upon the ground,
I’ve lost the one girl I found,

I guess I’ll have to change my plan,
I should have realized there’d be another man,
Why did I buy those blue pajamas,
Before the big affair began?

My boiling point is much too low
For me to try to be a fly lothario,
I think i’ll crawl right back and into my shell,
Dwelling in my personal hell,

I’ll have to change my plan around,
I’ve lost the one girl I found.

(I recommend the great version by Sinatra.)

me have serious point here, but i'm fucking it all up trying to express it... argh.

I'm finding out that HSA is actually *not* freaked out by my madness in a way that a lot of boys have been. But I am kind of introducing him to the depths of the madness quite slowly, rather than throwing everything at him full-on straight away.

Every time I see HSA, he always says something like "oh, you look pretty" or "ooh, you smell good" or just sitting grinning at me, saying "you're very nice!" and I love it. It makes me associate seeing him with feeling good. So I want to see him more. Therefore, he gets more sex. Everybody wins!

Hahaha! But seriously, I've always had a bit of a problem with complimenting on how someone looks, because looks don't matter to me. No, seriously, they don't. I never fall in love at first sight, it's always the personality which gets me interested. I may say to a friend "You look good today!" if she's a bit depressed and I want to make her feel better. But in a date situtation, if I keep remarking how good the other person looks, it makes me feel kinda shallow, as if I'd only care about her appearance. I know this may sound silly, but it's a real problem for me.

TS: John Denver vs David Bowie

But that could just be me...

But if he'd show in every other way that he's interested in you, would it matter?

Though, the compliment I am *always* a sucker for is...

Meet boy, boy embraces me lightly and kisses me on the cheek, then as he pulls away, remarks "Mmm, you smell really good." It's a compliment, but not an obvious comment on physical appearance. Plus it carries a whiff of pheremonal animal attraction without being crude or threatening.

However, it's probably not the best one to use with someone that you don't know particularly well...

This something *I've* had a great deal of problems with in the past! So this is me going "wow, this is what is really working for me in this new relationship".

this is not a viable option, apparently.

but i can't stay stuff like that. so i fuck it up and get yelled at.

I had two openings to go to last night and had to wait until 7 for friend to call, who didn't. So I never went to the first opening. Then I had some really good ideas for work and I wrote them up and sent them to my editor, by which point it was 8pm or a bit after. I hoofed it down to the Brunswick Centre and looked at as much of the work as I could before winding up at Kate's BF's installation, which I liked.

AFAIK I did not mention after-party; I asked if K and HSA needed a hand taking stuff down but Kate declined the offer and I didn't lag around feeling like spare parts. And SHEESH all I was doing here was popping up to say how nice the guy is.

pop music and real life aren't the same thing JBR.

Nice that you got to see the other art. Cause I didn't. Joe was stuck looking after his installation all night, and I didn't have anyone to go wandering around with. You arrived at 8:50 to an exhibit that was over at 9. I know what time you arrived, because Joe kept looking at his watch because he was desperately tired and wanted to pack up.

I was extremely annoyed and felt very let down. Yes. Do I think it's rude and out of order to choose getting stoned with a bunch of strangers over supporting a friend when you have already agreed to do something or go somewhere? YES I DO. Pardon me for over-reacting or being over-sensitive in that situation.

Sorry if this is not the time or the place to go airing these disputes, but hey, you turned it from a few jokey asides into an open declaration of discontent.

And you were rude to Mei on the Bang thread. I'm sorry but you were rude, and that irked me. Next time I'll just keep my mouth shut.

NOW you tell me!?! :(

Funnily enough, cbrassica, ally C and missvicky were commenting on my soft-hardness last night, and laughing at me. I am so a soft person by nature, I just have RAGE.

Ned: yes.

This is semi-flippant, but...

Gareth does own the thread. There are certainly manipulators of both sexes and varying intent. But the pursuit factor exists even where the parties' intent is not to be manipulative. Some of the people who Kate thinks are being manipulated may well be manipulators just the same, though they certainly don't understand that at the time. And some of the people who she thinks are manipulators may be trying to be honest. The extent to which something is "natural" may depend upon the commonalities between the parties as to what kind of communication they desire and the extent to which they communicate about it, explicitly or otherwise. Cf. Ally's thread re "I love you". Mentalists may not internalize this advice until pursued by someone they want to pursue.

buh. whatever.

so go be whatever you want to be, just don't be like surprised when people see your true colours and realise that hey, you're not who they thought you were.

i guess my gems of wisdom came earlier when i said that i suck.

ok, back to hating, i suppose.