The ILX Company

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

Imagine that the ILX regulars started their own company. What would we make or sell? What jobs would we do within it?

― MarkH (MarkH), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:09 (twenty-two years ago)

We could be the oddest and most versatile of odd job men and women. I'm staying away from setting up the company hierachy, though - ph34r...

― Mark C (Mark C), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:11 (twenty-two years ago)

We'd sell Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Ain't he cute?

http://www.ansi.okstate.edu/breeds/swine/POTBELLY/potpig1.jpg

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:13 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm management. That much I know. I have a proven reckord in running a multimational.

― Pete (Pete), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:15 (twenty-two years ago)

I am a salesman. I work on the Rio Rancho deal.

― Ronan (Ronan), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Sigh. I'd probably end up in accounts receivable. Stuck in a basement somewhere with no one taking any notice of my FEELINGS or ARTISTIC NEEDS because I'm good at maths and I don't actually get to keep any of the beans that I count. :-(

― kate, Friday, 4 April 2003 12:18 (twenty-two years ago)

I want to be the maintenance man. "The eyes and ears of this institution."

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:18 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm all for selling little pigs as pets, but not for slaughter.

I think the management should be called "Moderators." And sometimes us non-Moderators will bitch and moan about them and other non-Ms will be all appreciative of them.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Can't I just get paid to surf the Net all day, plz? My partner Dan and I feel this would make an extremely efficient office.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Mom, Dad - I wanted you to know that I'm leaving my job to start a Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs business with these people I met online.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:21 (twenty-two years ago)

PC load letter? What the fuck does that mean.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:21 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm glad you and Dan feel able to come out of the closet at last, Mr Raggett, but could you leave your personal life at home?

― Jerry the Nipper (Jerrynipper), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:22 (twenty-two years ago)

I wanna be a secretary!

― Sarah McLUsky (coco), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:23 (twenty-two years ago)

I'd be the receptionist.

Boss: "Uh, Jody, phone's ringing."
Me: "Whaddya want me to do about it?"
Boss: "You could answer it fer starters."
Me: "Fine, fine. Christ." *quickly picks up phone, puts it down again, goes back to ~~posting on ILX~~ doing TRULY IMPORTANT WORK*

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:23 (twenty-two years ago)

But who will be the evil Human Resources Director?

― MarkH (MarkH), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:24 (twenty-two years ago)

I MUST PROTEST at JtN's strictures.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:24 (twenty-two years ago)

lumberg fucked her.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:24 (twenty-two years ago)

But who will be the evil Human Resources Director?

Graham. "You're fired for ONE HOUR!"

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:27 (twenty-two years ago)

(I have an idea for a software product, actually, but I don't know how to go about getting funding to develop it or where I should look to find info on the available market share. PHEAR MY IMPOTENT BUSINESS ACUMEN.)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Can't we just run a cute little coffee/book/record-shop/venue? I'm sure we'd make loads of money that way.

― Sarah McLUsky (coco), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Who wants to congregate around the water dispenser for light hearted analysis of the previous evenings television

― Ronan (Ronan), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:29 (twenty-two years ago)

PHEAR MY IMPOTENT BUSINESS ACUMEN.

You can't spell "acumen" without "cum"!

― Beavis (Jody Beth Rosen), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:30 (twenty-two years ago)

and "men"

― Ronan (Ronan), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Can I be the pig greaser?

― RickyT (RickyT), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:32 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry, I've fucked up all your paychecks and NONE of you are getting paid. Whoops, except I've overpaid myself triple time for the whole week. BE NICE TO THE ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT OR PH34R THE RESULTS!!!

― kate, Friday, 4 April 2003 12:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Thats alright Kate, I have installed spy cams in your bathroom.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:34 (twenty-two years ago)

I'd be the one to burn down the office because I hate you all and one of you stole my stapler.

― Nicole (Nicole), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Whoops, sorry, yer spy cameras have been reposessed because someone forgot to pay the supplier's invoice... WHOOPS! My bad!

Stationary bills are too high! You must all share staplers! I will SIT upon the Staples catalogue so none of you can order anything!

― kate, Friday, 4 April 2003 12:37 (twenty-two years ago)

I want to be Kate's boss so that I can overrule her office supplies junta for my flash new computer.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:38 (twenty-two years ago)

ahhh Nicole, we're going to have to ask you to move your desk.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:39 (twenty-two years ago)

I also have a stack of 1970's earth mama bush nudie mags im my maintenance closet and a 10 gallon jar of crisco.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Fuck with my stationary junta, and I will move your ass into a higher tax-bracket, boss-man Dan!

― kate, Friday, 4 April 2003 12:40 (twenty-two years ago)

Who's going to be the cafeteria lady with the big moles?

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Hey! That's my crisco!

― RickyT (RickyT), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:43 (twenty-two years ago)

I will be the one embezzling the pigfeed funds while the rest of you argue about trivial day-to-day office stuff!

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:44 (twenty-two years ago)

No one embezzles in this company without giving me a cut to turn a blind eye to the crazy double accounting!

― kate, Friday, 4 April 2003 12:44 (twenty-two years ago)

That's okay, since you are creaming off penny from the entire corporation's paychecks thus making huge amounts of profit for yourself.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:46 (twenty-two years ago)

I am going to play golf with the boss.

― Ronan (Ronan), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Ssshhhh!!! No one has yet noticed the 10% KMF tax that they've all been paying for years!

― kate, Friday, 4 April 2003 12:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Shush. Everyone knows that the most powerful person in the office is the STATIONERY TROLL. Ie. ooh, ME!

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:50 (twenty-two years ago)

How can you be the stationary troll when I am SITTING ON THE STAPLES CATALOGUE!?!?!?

Unless YOU are the evil person stealing everyone else's staplers and holepunches!!! Open up that secret draw in your desk, I bet there's, like, ten staplers and seven sets of highliters in there!

― kate, Friday, 4 April 2003 12:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Eep, am I Ronan's boss, too? Because I suck at golf.

Someone schedule some golf lessons for me on Wednesday afternoons.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:52 (twenty-two years ago)

WHO STOLE MY SPECIAL GREEN TIPEX?!?!?

― kate, Friday, 4 April 2003 12:53 (twenty-two years ago)

*sniff*

Woah.... *giggle*

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Okay you lot, play-time is over. We have an important pot bellied pig business to run and you know Ilike fun as much as everyone else but if we don't all pull together not only are we in serious danger of going under but the cute ickle pigs'll die. And we don't want that.

Kate - there are some nice policemen from the Offcie of Serious Fraud here to see you.,

If anyone needs me I'll be in my office frowning at the computer.

― Pete (Pete), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:55 (twenty-two years ago)

I have a feeling this company is going to end up like Enron.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:56 (twenty-two years ago)

The Offie of Serious Fraud! Woooo! No need to go down the pub, then if they Offie is delivering...

― kate, Friday, 4 April 2003 12:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Kate has scared me with her special green tippex. Until she's behind bars I'm not Stationery Trolling any more - you can all go crazy and get like 10 red biros at ONCE!

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:57 (twenty-two years ago)

We're gonna blow Enron out of the water, man!

*sniff* So, if it's different colors, is it still "white-out"? Like, can there be yellow white-out, or is it yellow-out? *sniff*

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Skipping 141 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

Accounting has a hangover. File yer requests for payrises with servings of Alka Seltzer and the CFO *might* just approve them!

― kate, Monday, 7 April 2003 10:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Dumb yet perky PR girl please.

Press release:

Conpignia! Vietnamese Pot-Bellied Pigs Just Like Gramma Used To Breed!

Introducing the Conpignia pigs! Just like a pig crossed with your own best friend!

Here's Willard the pig (see attatched photos). Hes a pig with personality and a pot. He just loves rummaging through leaves and playing with all the staff here at Conpignia! But Willard is only one of our lovely playful pigs carefully sourced from the finest pig breeders. Here at Conpignia we have a huge, huge range of perky pig pals just for you. Conpignia pigs are pigs and playmates!

For more info email press@conpignia.com

(you can phone me for the recommended retail price, but I won't get back to you until your deadline's gone. I will whoop your ass if you forget to put the stockist number in)

Right i'm off to take a load of men's mag staff oout to lunch to flirt, sorry, discuss coverage of pigs.

― Anna (Anna), Monday, 7 April 2003 12:17 (twenty-two years ago)

The focus group hated the Conpignia name. Is it too late to change the stationery?

― robster (robster), Monday, 7 April 2003 12:21 (twenty-two years ago)

We can burn all the old stationery on the barbecue at the company picnic. Mmmm barbelued pork ribs. Num.

― C J (C J), Monday, 7 April 2003 12:24 (twenty-two years ago)

We can burn all the old stationery on the barbecue at the company picnic. Mmmm barbecued pork ribs. Num.

― C J (C J), Monday, 7 April 2003 12:24 (twenty-two years ago)

(there's an echo in here)

― C J (C J), Monday, 7 April 2003 12:25 (twenty-two years ago)

And the burning ink will get us high.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Monday, 7 April 2003 12:25 (twenty-two years ago)

(or kill us?)

― Sarah McLUsky (coco), Monday, 7 April 2003 12:25 (twenty-two years ago)

We don't have toxic letterhead, do we? Who authorised that???

― C J (C J), Monday, 7 April 2003 12:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Um, hello. I'm the tedious one from accounts that no-one's ever bothered to talk to despite my having been at this company for....oooh....twenty three times three hundred and sixty five.....minus two thousand three hundred and ninety two days for weekends....and one hundred and sixty one public holidays.....plus paid overtime......and leap days.....um....er.....that's six thousand one hundred and seventy two days net.

― SittingPretty (sittingpretty), Monday, 7 April 2003 12:51 (twenty-two years ago)

today i changed all the little mint smelling thing in the urinals.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Monday, 7 April 2003 12:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Wow, we have something in the urinal that smells mint?

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 7 April 2003 13:03 (twenty-two years ago)

OK folks, the 'Conpignia' debacle has cost us a heavy chunk of customer mind-share so I need as many of you as possible to brainstorm up some new names for the company. I've asked Dom the temp to walk slowly around the office for the rest of the day with a suggestion box you can pop your ideas in. No need to write your names as the company owns all your ideas anyway. If anybody needs me I'll be hotdesking in the corner and occasionally tapping my PDA.

― robster (robster), Monday, 7 April 2003 13:04 (twenty-two years ago)

*kicking vending machine* GOD DAMN IT! ASSLDK@# @#$#@#$ $ % %DF'N FKELWK#L$L!!!

― Sarah McLUsky (coco), Monday, 7 April 2003 13:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Er....were they not really complimentary breath-freshening mints in the ladies' loo then? Oh no!

― C J (C J), Monday, 7 April 2003 13:58 (twenty-two years ago)

hotdesking?

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Monday, 7 April 2003 14:00 (twenty-two years ago)

*folds up a scrap of paper and puts it in the suggestion box*

I don't know why you are all tittering like that. I think "Pigs'R'Us" is a great name.

*pouts*

― C J (C J), Monday, 7 April 2003 14:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Anna: after lunch, when all the lads' mag editors are (a little?) tipsy, bring them back to the office and I'll show them the online pig porn...that should get them thinking pork.

― j.lu (j.lu), Monday, 7 April 2003 14:02 (twenty-two years ago)

"The Swine Team"

― C J (C J), Monday, 7 April 2003 14:03 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm just brainstorming here, but "Pig Luv"? Dan, why are you snickering like that?

― j.lu (j.lu), Monday, 7 April 2003 14:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Hello, people? I just got a v.v. worrisome call. You know that we were working on a promotional DVD about our pigs...a short film showing a cute perky girl and her pig Willard and their day in London? It's up on the Web page. Well, somehow the DVDs that were mailed out to a number of schools...instead contain the pig porn.

― j.lu (j.lu), Monday, 7 April 2003 14:11 (twenty-two years ago)

"Ms. Halloway, come into my office."

― E. Edward Grey (nickalicious), Monday, 7 April 2003 14:26 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah, the pig porn thing? that was me - my bad

― James Blount (James Blount), Monday, 7 April 2003 14:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Pigs'R'Us: Us'R'Pigs

I dunno, I don't think this one will go over so well with the focus groups. What about Porcia?

― Chris P (Chris P), Monday, 7 April 2003 14:34 (twenty-two years ago)

Fuck.

Slept in again.

― mark p (Mark P), Monday, 7 April 2003 14:40 (twenty-two years ago)

"Swine, Women & Song"? If we want to specialize in the lad market?

― j.lu (j.lu), Monday, 7 April 2003 14:44 (twenty-two years ago)

'Now You're Porking'.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Monday, 7 April 2003 14:47 (twenty-two years ago)

^
|
that's great.

Porcineco. Pork-co. Cochonco. Cerdoco. Le Twee Cochon.

― JuliaA (j_bdules), Monday, 7 April 2003 15:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Our slogan might be:
This little piggy stayed home.

― Sarah MCLUsky (coco), Monday, 7 April 2003 15:03 (twenty-two years ago)

The Little Piggy Company: Not For Internal Use

― Chris P (Chris P), Monday, 7 April 2003 15:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Hi, I'm hear for an job interview with the CFO. Take a seat? Thanks very much.

[drums fingers nervously on chair edge, waits patiently]

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 7 April 2003 15:29 (twenty-two years ago)

*poking head in the door* Would you like some coffee, sir?

― Sarah MCLUsky (coco), Monday, 7 April 2003 16:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Would you please describe in 17 words or less the best way to apply rouge to a monitor?

― Mr Noodles (Mr Noodles), Monday, 7 April 2003 18:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Listen, I just deliver what they give me and I can't leave without a signature. I don't care if you change it or burn it or...hey, lemme ask you, are those real pigs hanging on those hooks in the foyer?

― weatheringdaleson (weatheringdaleson), Monday, 7 April 2003 19:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Could we sell Piggies in a Blanket too?

― Mr Noodles (Mr Noodles), Monday, 7 April 2003 19:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Pigs hanging from hooks in the lobby? Did we lose another litter? *checks* Hey who takes care of the pigs in this sty anyways? What did the pigs die of this time? I'd like to holler "Barbecued ribs for everyone," but is this lot safe to eat?

Anyways, we're not Conpignia; we do business as This Little Piggy. Unless the focus group also rejected that name?

― j.lu (j.lu), Monday, 7 April 2003 19:18 (twenty-two years ago)

I liked Conpignia.

― C J (C J), Monday, 7 April 2003 19:19 (twenty-two years ago)

slugs is our business, and business is good.

― jel -- (jel), Monday, 7 April 2003 19:27 (twenty-two years ago)

This Little PIggy: Melts In Your Heart, Not In Your Hand

― Chris P (Chris P), Monday, 7 April 2003 19:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Awww!

― C J (C J), Monday, 7 April 2003 19:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Coffee? Um (thinks: oh god, is this a test? What should I do?), er, yes please, one sugar, thanks!

[practises self-motivational speech, tucks in shirt yet again, perspires]

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 7 April 2003 21:02 (twenty-two years ago)

I liked Conpignia
Vicky to thread?

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 7 April 2003 21:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Conpignia: The Little Piggy That Could

― Chris P (Chris P), Monday, 7 April 2003 21:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Some bleeding-heart animal rights cockists cut the wire last night and we have all of three live piggies left over. Hey! Don't shoot the messenger! Should've hired a night watchman other than Mark P!

― Millar (Millar), Monday, 7 April 2003 22:37 (twenty-two years ago)

This Little Piggy: Have You See The Little Piggies?

― Chris P (Chris P), Monday, 7 April 2003 23:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Um Tom, you're Chief of Security, wasn't Mark P. your hire?

Also, you know this company's standards and practices -- it's "bleeding heart animal rights cockfarmers."

― j.lu (j.lu), Tuesday, 8 April 2003 00:39 (twenty-two years ago)

JBR's Office Tramp book is by Sidney Porcelain.

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 8 April 2003 00:52 (twenty-two years ago)

We need to ask Mark C about his knowledge of pig sex.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 8 April 2003 18:21 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't know why I know, and I probably shouldn't admit that I know this, but male pigs have curly penises and pig orgasms last half an hour.

Can I have a raise?

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 9 April 2003 05:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Conpignia: This Little Piggy Had A Corkscrew Penis

― Chris P (Chris P), Wednesday, 9 April 2003 05:44 (twenty-two years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.