The Best Getting-Walked-In-On-During-Sex Stories

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Suckahs. I'm going to win this contest; it's a foregone conclusion. And yes, this is a true story ...

So I was a senior in high school and had convinced my parents they'd raised a chaste and drug-free daughter. They go out of town and my bf and I play house, throw a couple of bashes and trash the place. Come Sunday morning we still haven't cleaned up the beer bottles and drug parapheniala but we think we've got all day; we're in my parents' bedroom going at it like crazy with the stereo cranked and I'm on top riding him like a bull. I look up and I see my mom standing in the bedroom doorway, staring at me in shock. And, uh, well ... I faint. (Yeah, I do that from time to time.) And I fall in the space between the wall and the bed, sort of getting myself wedged in there. And when I come to I'm greeted to the horrifying sight of my naked boyfriend kneeling on the bed beside my mother, as both of them groping for my naked body trying to ascertain whether or not I've cracked my skull open.

All stories will be judge on the basis of spectacle, awfulness and creepiness. And, as we all know already, I will win.

― jewelly (jewelly), Sunday, 13 April 2003 17:28 (twenty-two years ago)

well done.

― RJG (RJG), Sunday, 13 April 2003 17:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Jesus christ. I feel lucky by comparison.

― Ian Johnson (orion), Sunday, 13 April 2003 17:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Nicely!

― Skottie, Sunday, 13 April 2003 17:41 (twenty-two years ago)

mine is similar, but not nearly as traumatic. Day after my college graduation, my then-girlfriend and I are having sex on the futon in the rented house in the tiny Upstate, NY hamlet I lived in. Per the usual, I think we left the door unlocked downstairs. Anyway, so we're having kinda sloppy morning sex (after having just barely woken up), and I hear something from downstairs. I'm not really sure what it is. Then I hear someone walking up the stairs. Then I hear a knock at my bedroom door and a "Hello?" It's my dad. I say "Yes" as we stop (although we're still both naked and I'm, uh, "inside"), and expect him to wait a minute, but he starts opening the door. I yell "Just a minute, Dad, I'll meet you outside!" and thankfully he closes the door before glimpsing too much. But my then-girlfriend is traumatized.

She rolls over and gives me angry looks. I, ahem, "slip off," wash up a bit, put on my clothes, and go downstairs to say goodbye to my dad and stepmom, who were coming by before catching their flight. There's a funny picture of me and my dad out in front of the house, and I'm looking very uncomfortable and like I had just woken up. I'm not sure if he ever knew how close to naked-son-fucking oblivion he really was.

― hstencil, Sunday, 13 April 2003 17:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Jewelly - I have a question - what was playing on the stereo?

I can't wait to walk in on my kids having sex when I'm pushing fifty or something. I'll tell them they're doing it all wrong. "THAT GOES IN THE BUTT, STUPID" "DID YOU LICK IT FIRST?" etc.

― Millar (Millar), Sunday, 13 April 2003 17:52 (twenty-two years ago)

I just found a photo of myself and my stepmom from this morning, as well as one of me and the then-girlfriend from after graduation. I will upload these tomorrow from work, they're funny!

― hstencil, Sunday, 13 April 2003 17:58 (twenty-two years ago)

This thread is sexist. Please close.

― Calum, Sunday, 13 April 2003 18:04 (twenty-two years ago)

hstencil - please do!

― James Blount (James Blount), Sunday, 13 April 2003 18:08 (twenty-two years ago)

Jewelly - I have a question - what was playing on the stereo?

It was a home-made mix tape of sex songs. Very eclectic. Some Nine Inch Nails, some Vivaldi, some Grease soundtrack, some Radiohead. For the life of me I can't remember what was playing when we actually got busted. Wish I could say it was The Faint.

― jewelly (jewelly), Sunday, 13 April 2003 18:14 (twenty-two years ago)

hstencil wrote "Anyway, so we're having kinda sloppy morning sex"

This made awful images and noises in my head.

PS - Calum - eh?

― Dave B (daveb), Sunday, 13 April 2003 18:19 (twenty-two years ago)

my mother walks in the door and just as i make eye contact i spunk over my girlfriends chest

― kieran, Sunday, 13 April 2003 18:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Dave B, if it's produced awful images and noises in your head, just think of the memories I have!

― hstencil, Sunday, 13 April 2003 18:22 (twenty-two years ago)

It's never happened to me, but one time years ago I was still living at my parents' house, and had my first big crush sleep over. He was a badass hippy crack addict, who looked like a long-haired Richard Gere. He was also a landscaper, and I recommended him to my parents to do a fall clean-up. They didn't know I was sleeping with him or anything. So anyway my mom walks into my room on a weekend morning the day after they paid him to rake up a million leaves, and he's there next to me in bed. I just said 'hi mom' or something. If you're gonna be caught in bed with a guy, at least he was a gorgeous stud.

― Sean (Sean), Sunday, 13 April 2003 18:23 (twenty-two years ago)

I thought this thread was titled 'best getting walked on during sex stories'. that was intriguing.

― That Girl (thatgirl), Sunday, 13 April 2003 18:29 (twenty-two years ago)

That Girl: Go ahead and start that thread. I've got one to contribute.

― jewelly (jewelly), Sunday, 13 April 2003 18:31 (twenty-two years ago)

I have never been walked on or walked in on so I have nothing of value to add.

― That Girl (thatgirl), Sunday, 13 April 2003 18:34 (twenty-two years ago)

You need to get out more.

― jewelly (jewelly), Sunday, 13 April 2003 18:38 (twenty-two years ago)

I've given up sex for lent.

― That Girl (thatgirl), Sunday, 13 April 2003 18:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Jewelly sets a standard impossible to maintain. My better story (the other was a friend and it was fairly dark) was when we were having sex in the girl's room (this is teenage - she was 17), and her big sister walked in. She went screaming to her husband, a real thug (he had five siblings and two parents: 7 of the 8 of them had each spent at least a year in prison), and when we went downstairs he started threatening to kill me because his wife had seen me naked. My pointing out that she didn't even live there, and could hardly be expected to walk into her sister's room without knocking, did not help his mood, but it came to nothing. I was pretty scared at the time, as he was a good deal bigger than me - I kind of learnt as time went by that he was a bit of a coward, but I didn't know that then.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Sunday, 13 April 2003 18:55 (twenty-two years ago)

Martin: I'm glad, for your sake, that he didn't beat the crap out of you. But it would have made the story better, so that sucks.

― jewelly (jewelly), Sunday, 13 April 2003 19:03 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm not sure he would have been up to beating the crap out of me - as I said, my opinion of how hard and dangerous he was went down as I knew him better. He knew I was some sort of intellectual, in that I was about to start studying maths at Cambridge, and he would have assumed I was a weed. I remember how surprised he was when he saw my biceps, which I'm pretty sure was some time after this.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Sunday, 13 April 2003 19:14 (twenty-two years ago)

"It was a home-made mix tape of sex songs. Very eclectic. Some Nine Inch Nails, some Vivaldi, some Grease soundtrack, some Radiohead. For the life of me I can't remember what was playing when we actually got busted. Wish I could say it was The Faint. "

So you were making love to " GO GREASED LIGHTNIN"?

― Mike Hanle y (mike), Sunday, 13 April 2003 20:10 (twenty-two years ago)

So you were making love to " GO GREASED LIGHTNIN"?

Oh, like you haven't. Ass.

― jewelly (jewelly), Sunday, 13 April 2003 20:29 (twenty-two years ago)

"...get the funk...outa my face...get...the...funk....outa my face."

― Skottie, Sunday, 13 April 2003 20:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Mike makes love to music the rest of us dream of.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 13 April 2003 21:35 (twenty-two years ago)

I had the same question as Mike. My story is ungodly long in order to be told properly, and involves like 6 people and a broken down door. YES STILL NOT AS GOOD AS THE FIRST STORY ON THE THREAD.

― Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 13 April 2003 22:17 (twenty-two years ago)

How about walking in on your parents stories? On Mother's Day? When Dad is giving Mom "a present"? A really musky present that makes the bedroom smell like quim? And you've just blithely walked in because you made your mom breakfast and were taking it to her in bed, and it was a surprise, so you didn't bother knocking?

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 14 April 2003 02:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Ah, Dan, young Dan. How you are now all the more revealed unto us all.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 14 April 2003 02:40 (twenty-two years ago)

Ok, I'm a asking because I don't know and I'm kind of scared to either find out it's something really ordinary that I just have never heard of or to find out that it's something not suitable for children. I have already tried to look it up.

What is quim?

( I feel like when I was 8 and watching Dirty Dancing and had no clue what "knocked up" meant and I tried to look it up in the dictionary, but of course it wasn't in there so I had to ask my dad.)

― Carey (Carey), Monday, 14 April 2003 02:54 (twenty-two years ago)

quim is the opposite of chachi

― Millar (Millar), Monday, 14 April 2003 02:56 (twenty-two years ago)

The answer.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 14 April 2003 02:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Also: Dan, what did you make for breakfast? And did you know enough to recognize the smell at the time?

― Millar (Millar), Monday, 14 April 2003 02:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Good thing I didn't ask my dad that.

― Carey (Carey), Monday, 14 April 2003 03:00 (twenty-two years ago)

One time, one of my coworkers didn't know what the kama sutra was, so we convinced him to go ask the CFO of the company. Boy, was his face red.

― Ally (mlescaut), Monday, 14 April 2003 03:08 (twenty-two years ago)

I made French toast. That was my breakfast dish at the time.

I didn't know the smell at the time, but later events in life led me to identify it (MUCH TO MY CHAGRIN).

Also: "A particularly large and grandiose vagina." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 14 April 2003 03:11 (twenty-two years ago)

MY CHAGRIN

My inner Dan Perry wants to take this phrase and fit it to the melody of an old Knack standard -- e.g., "Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot/My chagr-i-na."

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Monday, 14 April 2003 03:15 (twenty-two years ago)

"chagrina" = "deeply embarassed and regretful vagina"

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 14 April 2003 03:17 (twenty-two years ago)

hahahaha

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Monday, 14 April 2003 03:17 (twenty-two years ago)

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH.

Well done.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 14 April 2003 03:19 (twenty-two years ago)

There is no way this thread can continue after that.

― Ally (mlescaut), Monday, 14 April 2003 03:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Let's try for a re-size:

http://www.pataphysics-lab.com/other/archives/grad.jpg

― hstencil, Monday, 14 April 2003 12:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Ahh that xgf is a cutie . . .

― Mary (Mary), Monday, 14 April 2003 22:39 (twenty-two years ago)

i never walked in on someone during sex. but two of my friends decided to have some kind of love in in their lounge while i was trying to sleep on their couch. i think they might have asked me to join in when they realised i was still awake, but i'm not sure exactly, i have repressed it.

― di smith (lucylurex), Monday, 14 April 2003 22:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Hahahahahaha! hstencil, I kiss you!

― Nordicskillz (Nordicskillz), Monday, 14 April 2003 22:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Freshman year of college, my girlfriend of the time was staying with me in my room at the mods (on-campus apartment dealie), but she wasn't a student, which meant I had another roommate besides, and hence, no privacy. So, we find out that there's this treehouse lounge thing with a TV and a couch, and we head up there to burn off steam, and near the height of said steam, hear people coming up the ladder:

"It's almost time for Northern Exposure!"

Clothes are, like, on the other side of the room, by the shower-stall-sized bathroom. So we grab those, go into the bathroom as the door to the lounge opens, and figure what the fuck, may as well finish up before getting dressed. Did so, spent five minutes trying to get dressed without elbow room, and walked out of the bathroom, across the lounge, and down the ladder without making eye-contact with the folks watching TV.

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 14 April 2003 22:53 (twenty-two years ago)

My moms just caught me snapping it to the "What do you all look like" thread.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Monday, 14 April 2003 22:58 (twenty-two years ago)

six months pass...

My girlfriend and I were fucking in my room one evening, when my sister took it upon herself to barge in and ask me some question. Before she got it out she went "oh, uh, sorry" and then continued to ask me what she came in for!!! I was completely shocked, and it took me a few seconds to come to my senses and yell "get the fuck out of my room! fuck!"

― Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 12 November 2003 23:05 (twenty-one years ago)

hahahahahaha "chagrina"! WTF, between this and "vulvacotti", I've got some issues.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 12 November 2003 23:10 (twenty-one years ago)

Dan in "having issues" SHOCKA!

― Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 12 November 2003 23:14 (twenty-one years ago)

Skipping 7 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

That's quite enough.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 12 November 2003 23:47 (twenty-one years ago)

I made Dan Perry go "URGH". My prize awaits.

― donut bitch (donut), Wednesday, 12 November 2003 23:49 (twenty-one years ago)

yes, end the thread. classic.

― Dean Gulberry (deangulberry), Wednesday, 12 November 2003 23:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Sorry DB, the prize goes to Chris "I have no shame" P***a.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 12 November 2003 23:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah, sorry DB, it was clear who is the true pervertalist here.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 12 November 2003 23:53 (twenty-one years ago)

What's particularly pervy about being wanked on, though? I mean, it's SEX for crying out loud!

― donut bitch (donut), Wednesday, 12 November 2003 23:55 (twenty-one years ago)

In light of the recent b*****e threads I think we might not want to go down that road again quite so soon, dear DB.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 12 November 2003 23:57 (twenty-one years ago)

What about "Best Getting-Wanked-On-During-Sex Stories"?
not been a problem since i exterminated those evil bukkake monkeys that used to inhabit my closet.

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Wednesday, 12 November 2003 23:57 (twenty-one years ago)

shocking x post there

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Wednesday, 12 November 2003 23:57 (twenty-one years ago)

In light of the recent b*****e threads I think we might not want to go down that road again quite so soon, dear DB.

Beyonce was wanked on? WHERE?

― donut bitch (donut), Thursday, 13 November 2003 00:08 (twenty-one years ago)

DB is travelling backwards in time!

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 13 November 2003 00:09 (twenty-one years ago)

(IE The "URGH" was in response to "Do you hope to one day be that father?")

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 13 November 2003 00:10 (twenty-one years ago)

I made Dan Perry go WOW, in the same week as getting mentioned in the underrated ILXers thread, how ace do you think I feel?

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 13 November 2003 00:12 (twenty-one years ago)

I guess db just doesn't find shaking hands with someone who's been diddling his daughter and who's thus drenched in her juices all that disturbing.

I guess that's what we've learned today.

Makes ya think.

― Casuistry (Chris P), Thursday, 13 November 2003 01:43 (twenty-one years ago)

G.I. JOE!!!

― Casuistry (Chris P), Thursday, 13 November 2003 01:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Knowing is half the battle with DB.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 13 November 2003 01:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Pork Sandwiches!

― Jay Dee Sah Mon (Kingfish), Thursday, 13 November 2003 02:04 (twenty-one years ago)

and near the height of said steam, hear people coming up the ladder:
"It's almost time for Northern Exposure!"

Damn, Tep - you should have just leapt up and said "how about some SOUTHERN exposure!" like, with your hands on your hips, Superman-stylee.

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 13 November 2003 02:44 (twenty-one years ago)

one month passes...

What a great thread.

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Wednesday, 7 January 2004 02:32 (twenty-one years ago)

Pure gold.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 02:41 (twenty-one years ago)

When I was about 18 I was at my girlfriends house because her parents were out for the evening and that typically meant mandatory sex and raiding the liquor cabinent. I had been there about ten minutes when we started to get busy on the floor in front of the TV. Since I was so horny (as opposed to...?) I didn't feel the need to remove any clothing that night. I had my pants at my ankles but managed (of course) to get her naked save the socks. We were doing it doggie style (one of the first times we did, if memory serves) and I am really feeling like a Sexual Olympian. I have my hands on my own ass working my hips like a piston and she is groaning as if I am something more than I am. We hadn't bothered to shut the TV off, which was turned to "Cops" or something similar, and maybe that's why I didn't hear her dad come back in the house. He'd forgot the wine he was bringing to the party, and all I know is that I didn't hear him until he was in the doorway and saying, "Excuse me Don, but I'd like you to leave immediately." He turned, but only after giving us a lingering glare.

The weird thing is that he left the house right away because they were already late to the party. But my girlie and I got in the car and left ourselves, resigned to finishing the act a few hours later with much dimished results. I never laid eyes on her dad again.

― don weiner, Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:29 (twenty-one years ago)

How much better would this thread be if it were:

The Best Getting-Walked-In-On-During-Sex Photos

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:31 (twenty-one years ago)

You just made me cry in a fit of laughter. "hands on my own ass." porn star move 101.

― Chris V (Chris V), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:33 (twenty-one years ago)

hopefully you tossed a leg up on her coffee table too and did the "dip-in".

― Chris V (Chris V), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:35 (twenty-one years ago)

In college once my roomate walked in on me getting a bj from my gf at the time. I was in my robe. He walked in I said "Was'sup". He walked out.

― Chris V (Chris V), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:43 (twenty-one years ago)

A tasteful response. I like it.

― ModJ (ModJ), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:50 (twenty-one years ago)

He probably walked out because I had "More Than This" playing on the cd player full blast.

― Chris V (Chris V), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:53 (twenty-one years ago)

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:54 (twenty-one years ago)

Sorry; I read that as "More Than Words".

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:55 (twenty-one years ago)

My roomate at the time probably would have had that going or Dream Theater.

Nothing like a little Charone to get the ladies.

― Chris V (Chris V), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:58 (twenty-one years ago)

When I was in high school I had a "friend" who would sleep over from time to time. We'd sleep in the living room. Long story short -- I'm straddling my friend. We hear footsteps. She flipps over, but somehow I don't get off (har har) so I'm still straddling her, and I look up to find my mom and blurt out, "I'm massaging her back!" Thank the Lord we had clothes on.

― Jeanne Fury (Jeanne Fury), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 19:18 (twenty-one years ago)

So anyway in my head Jewelly's story has always been augmented by the idea that while she was riding her boyfriend like a bull, she was swigging from a bottle of Jack and wearing a zebra-printed cowboy hat. Just FYI, it's been haunting me since April.

My parents have never walked in on me during sex, only friends. A boyfriend's sister did once and did the whole thing Andrew was saying, she came in and continued to ask her question. And he like talked to her and answered her rationally. It was really bizarre.

― Allyzay, Wednesday, 7 January 2004 23:09 (twenty-one years ago)

I almost asked the most inappropriate question. OMG was it Fr*d?

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 23:13 (twenty-one years ago)

No no, one musn't drag ILX down to that level. It just isn't the done thing.

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 23:15 (twenty-one years ago)

Surely if another person walks in on you having sex, they always join in? Don't tell me I've been watching too much pornography lately...

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 23:23 (twenty-one years ago)

i'm glad that wasn't the case with the people who were interrupted by their parents

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 23:25 (twenty-one years ago)

"Wow, that looks like fun. I had no idea my [sibling] was so considerate. You two are obviously very healthily in love. Do you have any spare ink cartridges?"

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 23:27 (twenty-one years ago)

This thread makes me appear almost Puritan, or just lucky not to get caught out by the family.

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 23:33 (twenty-one years ago)

masturbating alone - now that's a whole other ball game (arf) - not that i've ever been caught in the act there either...

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 23:36 (twenty-one years ago)

Dan, what was the question?

― Allyzay, Thursday, 8 January 2004 02:14 (twenty-one years ago)

(heh heh) I asked it! (heh)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 8 January 2004 02:20 (twenty-one years ago)

HAHAHA!! OMG I am so dumb. No, it was Ramon but Fr*d would be so much funnier

― Allyzay, Thursday, 8 January 2004 02:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh dear dear dear.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 8 January 2004 02:27 (twenty-one years ago)

I think I am about to die.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 8 January 2004 02:33 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm completely confused

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Thursday, 8 January 2004 02:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Hehe Ned, btw, you don't know how close you were to walking in on summadat action yrself buddy

It was really weird, but the thing is I don't remember her question. I THINK she was asking--I'm not kidding--if he had seen the peanut butter anywhere and they debated who used it last but don't quote me on that, that might've been another horrible traumatic experience bookended with a weird question.

― Allyzay, Thursday, 8 January 2004 02:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Haha why do I even consider trying to get off the alcohol train?

― TOMBOT, Thursday, 8 January 2004 02:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah I'm to blame for a lot of people's substance abuse!

― Allyzay, Thursday, 8 January 2004 02:52 (twenty-one years ago)

seven months pass...

Dan's first post to this thread explodes like a landmine. AND ALLY'S SECOND TO LAST MAKES ME WHIMPER AND CRY*

― nabiscothingy, Tuesday, 24 August 2004 15:21 (twenty years ago)

(My html coding went all wrong there: ignore that second sentence)

― nabiscothingy, Tuesday, 24 August 2004 15:22 (twenty years ago)

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