Poem I wrote, does it suck

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

as twenty something cynic
i’ve has given up on love.
with boy meets girl I’m a tourist looking in,
and all I see sentiment and expectations;
property, pair bonding and other disasters.

boy meets boy isn’t much better,
here we are
lions at the gates
not showing our teeth
rewarded by cake and a ceremony with tuxes

you say to yourself, this isn’t love,
this is code for something else.
besides you still want someone
to play all the domestic games with.

― anthony easton (anthony), Monday, 14 April 2003 14:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Hurrah again AES!

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Monday, 14 April 2003 14:11 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah I like it. sorry i cannot be more profound with my opinion.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Monday, 14 April 2003 14:13 (twenty-two years ago)

It's great!

― Nordicskillz (Nordicskillz), Monday, 14 April 2003 14:34 (twenty-two years ago)

It's very good, but what's with the start of line 2?

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Monday, 14 April 2003 17:11 (twenty-two years ago)

Why are lions eating cake?

― Momus (Momus), Monday, 14 April 2003 19:42 (twenty-two years ago)

WEdding cake?
I bet they'd eat it. My kitties like it.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Monday, 14 April 2003 19:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Actually could you tell me if this one is any good, you were so kind to Anthony.

eednesday pattering rain
on my stomach awoke
empty thoughts etcetera
why did i leave my shirt open
when unexpectedly falling asleep?

when opposites meet
i must just probably be hungry
and there's no future
without pie
(occasionally)

i wish i was martyr
or postman
shot full of arrows
or bitten by your dog
coming up the garden

i'm certainly bitten by something
today
(ouch!)

― Momus (Momus), Monday, 14 April 2003 19:50 (twenty-two years ago)

(I realise there are some problems with the subject - object syntax in verse 3: is the martyr or the postman being shot full of arrows? Is the martyr -- or the postman -- coming up the garden, or is the dog? I'm still working on it.)

― Momus (Momus), Monday, 14 April 2003 19:57 (twenty-two years ago)

(Oh no, I've just realised that it could also read 'shot full of arrows... by your dog'.)

― Momus (Momus), Monday, 14 April 2003 20:16 (twenty-two years ago)

If you switch the postman/arrows lines around it would be better demarcated.

/editor

― suzy (suzy), Monday, 14 April 2003 20:25 (twenty-two years ago)

or postman
i wish i was martyr
shot full of arrows
or bitten by your dog
coming up the garden

Suzy that's not working for me. How about

O postman!
I wish I was coming up the garden
shot full of arrows by your dog
Or martyr-bitten.

― Momus (Momus), Monday, 14 April 2003 20:30 (twenty-two years ago)

O martyr!
I wish I was coming up your dog
shot full of arrows by the postman
Or garden-bitten.

― Gatinha (rwillmsen), Monday, 14 April 2003 20:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Those are funny but what I *meant* was like that:

i wish i was martyr
shot full of arrows
or postman
bitten by your dog
coming up the garden

(i only do syntax cleanup; you're now sending in the reproducer to do the words, too!)

― suzy (suzy), Monday, 14 April 2003 20:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Suzy: But I'm still troubled by whether it's the postman or the dog coming.

Gatinha: I like that! You're certainly an up-and-coming talent!

― Momus (Momus), Monday, 14 April 2003 20:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Nick, it depends on who climaxes first, right?

― suzy (suzy), Monday, 14 April 2003 20:49 (twenty-two years ago)

What day is Eednesday? I like that part.

― Gatinha (rwillmsen), Monday, 14 April 2003 20:51 (twenty-two years ago)

I was thinking of 'need'. The day you need something. But the 'n' fell off.

Suzy, it's still a three-way ambiguity, it could be me, the postman or the dog 'coming up the garden'.

By the way, I thought 'Up 'n' Coming' might be a good title for my poem, so I googled to see if anyone else had used it and, wouldn't you know, there's some film with the title. I'm a little puzzled by the description, though:

'Hardcore DVD, needs DVD player to run'.

― Momus (Momus), Monday, 14 April 2003 20:55 (twenty-two years ago)

Lloyd Cole's in it.

― Gatinha (rwillmsen), Monday, 14 April 2003 20:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Pinefox to thread.

― Nicole (Nicole), Monday, 14 April 2003 21:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Lloyd Cole's in it.

That wouldn't surprise me, they rate it as 'classic'.

I think I will put a note on my poem saying 'web-published poem, needs web to run'. (But is the poem running or the web? Can webs run? It's all so tangled.)

― Momus (Momus), Monday, 14 April 2003 21:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Webs are spun. D'oh!

― suzy (suzy), Monday, 14 April 2003 21:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Addled spiders screw up on their spinning (6,4)

― Gatinha (rwillmsen), Monday, 14 April 2003 21:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Yuk, I hate insects.

― Momus (Momus), Monday, 14 April 2003 21:21 (twenty-two years ago)

here is my poem - what do you think of it?

i am momus
no i am not momus
i am womus
i am part woman and part momus

but no
i am manus
i am part man and part momus

but not
i am famus
i am part famous and part momus

etc. etc. etc.

OH WORLD HEART MY PAIN.

― Sonny Tremaine (Sonny), Monday, 14 April 2003 21:29 (twenty-two years ago)

I was thinking of entitling it "THE WHOLE WORLD IS BECOMING MOMUS"

― Sonny Tremaine (Sonny), Monday, 14 April 2003 21:32 (twenty-two years ago)

i am bitter because i am crap at poetry.

SIGH.

i can do insulting haikus ala south park, though.

HOORAY!

― Sonny Tremaine (Sonny), Monday, 14 April 2003 21:35 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't want to hurt your feelings, Sonny, but your poem is no more than 'fair to quite good'. Perhaps you could try workshopping or Photoshopping it.

― Momus (Momus), Monday, 14 April 2003 21:36 (twenty-two years ago)

: - D

DAMN YOU ... YER GOING TO GET AN INSULTING HAIKU SOON...

― Sonny Tremaine (Sonny), Monday, 14 April 2003 21:37 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm just trying to make you more creative, Sonny. Next time, why not try something a bit more experimental:

― Momus (Momus), Monday, 14 April 2003 21:43 (twenty-two years ago)

hahahahahahahahahhaha!

that looks like a dodgy london transit poem now ... we've got to submit it!

― Sonny Tremaine (Sonny), Monday, 14 April 2003 21:44 (twenty-two years ago)

i've got to go to bed....

that was brilliant!

― Sonny Tremaine (Sonny), Monday, 14 April 2003 21:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Don't forget to brush your teeth, and don't sleep with your mouth open -- a spider or some other insect might be tempted to make a web there.

― Momus (Momus), Monday, 14 April 2003 21:51 (twenty-two years ago)

I love this thread =)

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 15 April 2003 00:06 (twenty-two years ago)

three months pass...

A Review

"There's more to life than love
but there's not enough without it,"

the finer gravity that pulls ink from pens
& shapes words and scent tricks

this gust of memory into aphorism.
A bearable heat in the middle distance

witnessed, stalls the window cleaner's abseil
into silent waiting for its closing in

caught perfect, now, in your pen's trap,
irrelevant but pretty. The best first line

you'll ever write, wasted by filibuster and ink, its lack
of critical insight or nerve or idea. Innumerable

small majesties, frame & flatter, slender solace
for your palsied sword.

― David. (Cozen), Thursday, 7 August 2003 13:29 (twenty-two years ago)

17 Points of agreement

After, and for, Rob MacKenzie

That all solipsism is narcissistic
That sandwiches are best not bought
That disembodied voices are best left to the non-corporeal
That I am cleverer than my computer

That poetry is a damn sight more fun than suicide
That the road over there
That when he said
That Matt Fallaize is an Unstable Particle

That I can watch this arc (just so)

That fires are great
That the last national parks should be given over to concrete
That altars were built for cocaine
That you thought about this more than I did

That infinitives are easier to split than hairs
That I am terrified by beauty

That I have a price
That there is no art in violence

I can’t stop breathing for breathing

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 7 August 2003 13:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Dude, stop breathing, you're harshing my buzz.

― David. (Cozen), Thursday, 7 August 2003 19:28 (twenty-two years ago)

My Life As a Poet

Once there was a poet
Whose poems sucked ass.

Big ass, little ass,
Hairy ass or bare;
Pockmark'd or pimpl'd,
Her poems didn't care.

So then she stopped.

― jewelly (jewelly), Thursday, 7 August 2003 19:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Searching for love. (for nthony easton)
Love is all around.
No need to waste it .
You can have a town.
Why don't you take it ?
You might just make it after all

You're going to make it after all!

― Scaredy Cat, Thursday, 7 August 2003 20:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Hats in the air! Twirl around!

― Dan I., Thursday, 7 August 2003 22:43 (twenty-two years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.