The Body Politic or Fatty Fatty Two By Four Can't Get Through The Bathroom Door

(btw, i don't really know what purpose this serves, other than needing to vent. but, please, if anyone's had any similar experiences, please share, discuss, etc.)

Everyone is at least a little that way about his/her body, including people like me who have tried to gain weight and failed. So I don't think that you -- a person who, by whatever social or genetic happenstance, has to put forth more effort than usual to keep the body "ideal" -- should feel too bad about spending mental energy on the issue. And as for the "why do I care" issue, well ... we all care. None of us want to care, and we collectively talk a lot of talk about not caring, but it certainly seems like 99% of the middle-class western world cares about this issue.

Another way of thinking of it is that pretty much everyone has some characteristic that they're constantly spending a ton of energy trying to adapt, whether it's bad habits, social awkwardness, ignorance of particular topics, etc. .... yours just happens to be one that our particular society is really, really weird about. But surely for every person who is constantly agonizing over his/her body, there's someone else going through the same process about his/her lack of education, or sexual underperformance, or hair loss, or whatever -- just focusing on one area in which one is less than one's ideal and constantly feeling negative about it. Not that I'm saying this is a good thing, but ... I suppose the thrust of my argument is that you are really, really not alone. Which sort of helps, right? Like when you're worrying about someone's reaction to your body (if that's ever a specific worry), you can just keep in mind that they might be worried about your reaction to some aspect of their personal development. And you can try to guess what it is, which is really, really fun.

I love my chunk . I consider it evidence of myself enjoying carnal pleasures.

I would agree with Anthony, but I view the DG flab as a considerable barrier to getting laid, so I are a bit miserable.

Weight is less important than people like to think. It will not hinder you in yer search for a mate. If it does, then it is all to blame on the superficial person you fixate on. Jess, stop worrying. Do you have an eating disorder or do you just worry about it? There is a difference. I do think it is good you are talking about it. I know it helped me. Although overcoming it was a long process for me. An eating disorder is part of a bigger problem. Focus on the latter and you will cure the former. This is just *me* speaking of course, it could be different for others.

I don't know if this is true for lots of people or hardly any, but when I like someone I romanticise them into being attractive anyway. Like when I was with a fat boy, I was really fixated on his fat stomach, and when with skinny boy, liked his skinny fingers ... etc... fleshy stuff is actually quite nice, even someone like me who's always accused of being a prude can say so, and if people eliminate the possibility of fleshly pleasure by saying, 'oh, I only like skinny boys' or 'I only like boys with big ' erm, yes I am a prude, etc, then THEY are the ones who miss out on enjoyment. I only realised that just then as I wrote it, but it's true, isn't it? If it's really true that some people can only like a particular 'type' then they must be sad and not enjoying themselves quite a lot.

Maybe ppl fixate on type to ensure they never get what they want and thus prove to their own satisfaction that they are "unlovable"

I'd think that the real issues are larger than just finding a mate though. You can be loved and accepted by someone or a few people, yet still have serious weight issues revolving around the perceptions and judgements of everyone else. In fact, I can really relate to what jess said, about how logically *knowing* better doesn't make these insecurities go away. It's a bit difficult to articulate but... for me, it seems to come down to a simple formula - That I just can't ever convince myself that most people will like, respect, or accept me, if I fall below my own standards - standards related to the semi- conscious judgements that I apply to the people that *I* see. Not saying where these fall - could be either harsh or lax depending on my state - but for contentment, the two have to fall in line. If that makes any kind of sense.

"I'd think that the real issues are larger than just finding a mate though."

They are. And rereading my original post, I can see how it could have come across as bitching about not getting laid. (And since I've had sexual partners all across the range of weights - myself, that is - my issues have never really been contingent on sex, or even love.)

To answer nathalie first, yes, they were eating disorders; full of all the psycho delusions and pathetic jusitifications and lying and the rest which go along with them. Luckily I (seem to be) past that. But, yes, the root problems remain.

And yes, Kim, that makes perfect sense. (At least to me; I've rarely been able to articulate how my own brain works as well as you just did by accident.)

Sadly I don't think the midset which becomes symptomised in the behaviours of an eating disorder really goes away. It's been a long time since I was physically ill in the way I was when I was younger, but that doesn't mean the horrible thoughts have left you. Maybe they've dulled down a bit - say now a vaguely distasteful beiege rather than a vile honkin' bright scarlet - but they still lurk there. Like the way I get paranoid about eating in public in case people will think I'm a greedy pig and if given the time/mindset I can obsess about nothing but my body mass and calorific intakes all day. I think you can call it sucess when the feelings dull down. I'm not happy with my body but um, put it one way, a few other people have been in the past.

In the end, one just becomes so tired - both physically and emotionally. It makes one feel ever so lonely and whilst I am a lot better I do worry about retreating back into that mirror. But then again!! I have read a lot of self-help books about this and therefore know I have issues with control and respect and it's all my mothers fault anyway, so happily away I skip! Hello cake, hello pies!

MIND-SET. Did I say earlier I felt feverish?

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF MY HOLIDAY and I am feverish and posting to ILE first thing in the morning! Pah.

I only like skinny boys yes, this is me. I suppose I may be missing out on quantity...

I'm rail thin myself, and enjoy carnal pleasures to an often extreme degree, so that's really not evidence of anything.

I am a scant 5 ft. tall and before my surgery, my weight increased to one hundred and eighty-one pounds :( I am starting to get back to normal now. :)

maryann speaks wisdom here. i love the endless possibilities of pleasure. well i used to, now i'm much happier with self service.

"[Lagerfeld] said he wanted to lose weight to fit into his Caraceni suits from the 1980's. "I felt that things were not renewing, that I was starting to look a little sad," he said. "It was not to seduce anyone. No, no. If that's the reason to lose weight, you get a little depressed if it's not working immediately. If you do it for something superficial, you can laugh at yourself and continue like a game."

Of course it helps if you've got French dieticians cooking all your meals from you but I think he's got a point maybe..? http://www.nytimes.com/2002/06/02/fashion/02KARL.html

UPDATE!!!: i'm still fat.

Then can I have your old Caraceni suits Jess?

More weight, more to love.

bring me yr love handles and i will worship at their throne - fat is phunky!

then yr still bootylishuszszs, jesh.

I love my chunk. I consider it evidence of myself enjoying carnal pleasures.

-- anthony (anthonyeaston@home.com), September 07, 2001.

I would agree with Anthony, but I view the DG flab as a considerable barrier to getting laid, so I are a bit miserable.

-- DG (rgreenfield@btinternet.com), September 07, 2001.

For "DG" read "j.lu." An Internet acquaintance has asked for a picture of me. I've turned up some online pictures of me, but I hesitate to forward them because the images repulse me so much. The more I think about it the more tempted I am to turn recluse.