Best Insults You've Hurled (After-the-Fact "I Should-Have-Said's" Don't Count. Sorry).

While doing some spring cleaning, I just found this book 2000 INSULTS FOR ALL OCCASIONS ($2.95 Citadel Press, 1965, copy I have is fifth paperbound pressing 1976)

On the front cover it says, "This is a very funny book which is also a reference tool...alphabetically arranged according to the targets of its pointed arrows"

Arranged alphabetically from

BIG HEADS

through

GOAT-GETTERS

ending finally at

SQUELCHES

Some chapter headings include

Cream Puffs
Failures
Flat Tires
Husbands (henpecked)
Husbands (the bitter half)
Nudists
Wives
Woolgatherers

Those blasted Woolgatherers!

THIS

is a hell of a revive

What I'm saying is that if you have a need for an insult, just tell me what kind of person you are trying to insult and I will look up a good option for you in my book.

Samples:

Sad sack: "He was once shipwrecked on a desert island with his own wife"
Playboy: "He's a wolf in chic clothing"
Speakers: "He uses a lot of verbiage to say little about nothing"

Or you can post your own insults

running across books like that when I was a kid used to have me v. v. worried that adult life was going to be 100% insufferable

wd like to insult a woolgatherer plz

First, Meanies: "He heats the knives so his family won't use too much butter"

Woolgatherer: "He picked up a snake and hit a stick"

People who used this book must have had the worst parties.

Flat tires: "She hasn't had mush experience"

Wonder if someone's uncle entertained everyone with this book at Christmas

"LAFF RIOT"

Until you've met him, you were sure that the largest prune was 6" in diameter.
The fellows wind her up, but she doesn't spin

This should be republished in 2011 as AMIRITE: The Book

that prune one is kinda lol in a non-sequitur kind of way

was the book published in the Catskills, perchance?

One more blurbed vote of confidence about this book from Jim Bishop, Key Features Syndicate:
"My girls have trouble remembering one jot of their homework. I'll bet they can recite that book from cover to cover!"

Maybe it's because their dad is a moron and they need ammo that's at his level.

Published in Secaucus, NJ

or because it's the only book in the house ;_;

I mean, maybe if you need a 6" prune, you should lighten up a little

These are not my best insults.

can picture a grandma giving this book to a 10 yo boy who fancies a career in standup comedy later in life

*becomes accountant*

i was overjoyed the day our father came home from a parent-teacher conference and said to my older sister, your teacher said you don't have the brains of a gnat, but i defended you and said that you do.

running across books like that when I was a kid used to have me v. v. worried that adult life was going to be 100% insufferable

― five gone cats from Boston (underrated aerosmith bootlegs I have owned), Tuesday, April 19, 2011 5:59 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark

OTM, I grew up finding these around the house:

http://cd.pbsstatic.com/l/07/3207/9780523003207.jpg

When I was about 8 years old, I once informed a girl in my class whose name was V1cky H0re "well you live up to your surname don't you!"

I WAS EIGHT.

I got in trouble but it was p worth it tbh

THose joke books--when I was about 5 we stayed in a rented beach house usually hired by students and, as well as a huge pool of rotting vomit hidden under a doormat in the middle of the lounge, there was a '1001 Dirty Jokes' book. Not knowing at that age that 'pussy' was slang, I read this wondering why so many people wanted to do such awful things to cats.

i am terrible like this, i always feel awful after i say first thing that comes into my mind, awful mixed with proud. also i've gotten myself into scrapes before via my mouth.

Best example? This should really be a thread about your best insult.

When I was about 8 years old, I once informed a girl in my class whose name was V1cky H0re "well you live up to your surname don't you!"

I WAS EIGHT.

whoa

are you fb friends with her these days?

I think I knew it was a Bad Word but I didnt understand what I'd said, tbh.

xpost lol! No, I was never friends with her even in school. In fact after primary school I duno where she went.

THose joke books--when I was about 5 we stayed in a rented beach house usually hired by students and, as well as a huge pool of rotting vomit hidden under a doormat in the middle of the lounge, there was a '1001 Dirty Jokes' book. Not knowing at that age that 'pussy' was slang, I read this wondering why so many people wanted to do such awful things to cats.

yeah that whole phenomenon of those books was pretty weird. i remember that they sold those books in some supermarkets, and i would stand there reading them while my mom was off buying groceries. there was so much stuff in there that confused me at the time, especially all the jokes concerning "WASPs" and Jews

i tend to go on long sarcastic tirades...my favourite instance was about a year ago, i was getting the tube and had to queue to top up my oyster card. it was a single queue for both machines and this woman jumped it basically and i raised it with her and she got all sanctimonious and was like "if you can't understand queuing then that's not my problem" and i said "this fucking country is a disgrace, fucking foreigners, you're all the bloody same".

she was white and english and obv i'm irish, she just looked at me like "wtf"

i always feel awful after i say first thing that comes into my mind, awful mixed with proud.
this is what a really good insult is all about
it is not about prunes

i'm not very good at insults irl
straight talk, sure, but insults are an art at which i am not very skilled

Called my brother a retard, once. He was struggling at the time with reading difficulties they were trying to blame on dyslexia. He quite understandably lost his shit at me :/

One time I told my religion teacher to stop being such a prude. I guess that's something?

unless there's something missing from the story, jewelly seems like a dick

"hey I had a really fun night last night"
"oh really I thought you were a loser"

(posts interaction on msgboard)

yes I realize I'm talking to a post from 8 years ago, but still!

It was dickish but to be fair she did then say "My only regret is that it was hurled at someone I like; I was going for friendly ribbing and simply over-shot the mark."

Jewelly was cool, I wonder what ever happened to her.

When I was 11 or so there was a show called Pappyland where you could send the host, your drawings.

http://onceuponawin.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/win-pics-pappy-drewitt.jpg

I mailed him a drawing I did of Pappy hanging from a noose and at the bottom I wrote "I learned it from you." IDK that this was an insult so much as some pre-internet trolling.

BTW the point of the show was Pappy taught you to draw, which maybe you put together from the pencil & the surname. My brother & sisters & I drew tons of mean pictures of Pappy that summer.

I started a feud with a friend in high school, bc of a behind her back insult that made its way back to her.

Really, really not proud of this.

We had been friends since kindergarten, but when we started high school she ditched me and started hanging around with these scraggy girls and having a series of nasty-ass boyfriends. As kids she had always wanted to be a hairdresser when we were kids, so one day in a crabby mood I said to a gossipy friend "If she cant be a hairdresser she could always be a hooker."

It got back to her. I was *an island* for three years before she spoke to me again.

Ugh that was the worst. And I still cant believe I even said it..to anyone, let alone even out loud. WTF.

I mailed him a drawing I did of Pappy hanging from a noose and at the bottom I wrote "I learned it from you."

omg hahahaha

PS teenage girls are the worst ever the end.

^^^