worst screenplay ideas you have ever heard or come up with yourself

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Calum's got this doozy: "a born again Christian using a strip joint to attract sinners to God"

haha but come on you i.L.A.x.ers, surely you've heard worse??

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 20:34 (twenty-two years ago)

does EVERY Angelino really have a screenplay they're shopping?

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 20:37 (twenty-two years ago)

my thesis script involved a fumbling nerd of a man who ran over and killed a college football coach who was then forced to coach the team by the judge.

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 20:38 (twenty-two years ago)

tonight i can dig out my college notebooks and post some real doozies.

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 20:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Buck Henry in The Player to thread.

(Mine, in high school, was "It's a retelling of the Wizard of Oz in the modern-day, from the Scarecrow's perspective, as AN ALLEGORY FOR THE SEARCH FOR GOD!!!" and yeah, I'm pretty sure I triple-exclamationed that sentence.)

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 20:41 (twenty-two years ago)

"gay film producer and straight hit man swap bodies when they both encounter a cursed monkeys paw at a hollywood party."

all of my script ideas had problems because they were propelled by random actions not taken by the supposed protagonists.

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 20:43 (twenty-two years ago)

they're all coming back to me now:

"a cross between the banana splits and the re-animator"

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 20:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Jess your ideas are all great! They should feature Jim Belushi in some capacity.

― Nicole (Nicole), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 20:48 (twenty-two years ago)

The President of the USA's talking cat is actually running the country!

― Andrew L (Andrew L), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 20:48 (twenty-two years ago)

With hilarious consequences.

― Andrew L (Andrew L), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 20:49 (twenty-two years ago)

see, what i don't get is...my program was all about teaching us how to hack it out and become hollywood scumbag big shots (the director of the program was a former soap opera writer/producer for chrissakes), and yet and yet...all my ideas were voted down as "silly" and yet my peers - in thrall to that mid-90s idea of "indie film" ("two women find love and history against the backdrop of a burn clinic in birmingham", etc.) were class darlings?!

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 20:52 (twenty-two years ago)

The cat should be "street" and say things like "daaamn, that cabinet meeting was off the HOOK!"

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 20:53 (twenty-two years ago)

the one I wrote in college and was v proud of at the time, tho it sounds pretty dumm now: small religious town in midwest really run by vampires.

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 20:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Surely thee worst screenplay ideas ever are, like, "'Trainspotting' was a hit, let's make another film just like that", "Lock, Stock & 2 Smoking barrels was a big hit, lets make another film just like that", "'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was a big hit, let's make another film just like that", "'Human Traffic' was, like, really hip, maybe if we copied it, we'd be really hip as well" Ker-ching! straight to video!

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 20:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Lost Boys Part Deux!

― buttch (Oops), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 20:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Batman vs. Gumby

― Nate Patrin (Nate Patrin), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 21:00 (twenty-two years ago)

(I came up with that like ten seconds ago)

― Nate Patrin (Nate Patrin), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 21:00 (twenty-two years ago)

nate, we share a vision after all.

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 21:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Maybe the director had guilt about being a soap hack and was seeking redemption by pushing "daring" indie memes?

― Nicole (Nicole), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 21:01 (twenty-two years ago)

ooh yes any indie crime movie destroy destroy destroy

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 21:03 (twenty-two years ago)

all my ideas were voted down as "silly" and yet my peers - in thrall to that mid-90s idea of "indie film"

Was the "holy crap, look at all the people who saw the Piano, and that chick didn't even talk! And that Mexican movie did gangbusters with a budget of a buck-fifty! THIS IS WHERE THE MONEY LIIIIVES!" thing still going on? Cause "let's do 'indie' movies, let's send pretty people to Cannes" != "let's not be Hollywood scumbags."

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 21:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Prince of Tides meets Jackass ('it will change your life forever...')

― buttch (Oops), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 21:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Donald Kaufman to thread!

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 21:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Nate, I have some funds I'd like to give you to make Batman v. Gumby, actually.

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 21:09 (twenty-two years ago)

I'll paypal ya two dollars, three if you can get a cameo from Ally as Harley Quinn

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 21:14 (twenty-two years ago)

A former child star, with the same Gary Coleman disease that prevents him from physically aging, lives in LA, fails auditions for grown up roles and drinks a lot.
He's contacted by his estranged FBI agent brother to pose as a tenneager in a high school. FBI agent's son, and former child star's nephew, was murdered by a ruthless upper-middle class gang. Former child star has to go undercover. The plan is expected to work because non of the high school students are old enough to remember the former child star's long cancelled momentarily successful sitcom from the 80's.
Former child star begins to enjoy his adventures with the gang, and its charismatic leader(ala Point Break), enjoying the child hood he missed out on being forced to work on the sitcom.
The former child star will make peace with his brother and there should be a climactic fight between the former child star and the gang leader on the gihest platform of an emptied out indoor pool.
It's Point Break meets Class of 984 meets Hiding Out (with Jon Cryer) but all pomo-ish and shit. I never did come up with a title. What should it be called? I never did come up with a title.

― theodore fogelsanger, Tuesday, 22 April 2003 21:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Middle-aged man discovers he's Jack Kerouac's long-lost illegitimate son. Embarks on emulatory journey with his late-adolescent son.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 21:21 (twenty-two years ago)

does EVERY Angelino really have a screenplay they're shopping?

It certainly seems that way. My ex-gf has an excellent one that she has people look at. A lawyer friend of mine has an agent to shop around his actioner and he works every day on another one.

I'm actually collaborating with my Mom on a true story about a Korean War Vet and his advocate.

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 21:21 (twenty-two years ago)

my old grammar school journals to thread. "jaws part six: jaws in lake michigan," etc.

― Amateurist (amateurist), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 21:52 (twenty-two years ago)

(Cause "let's do 'indie' movies, let's send pretty people to Cannes" != "let's not be Hollywood scumbags.")

The above comment is OTM I think. Currently in a grad school film program, I've observed a kind of hypocrisy in those who aspire to make "independent" films. There's a tendency to turn noses up at what they deem Hollywood film while they follow the exact same narrative model while exploiting slightly different cliches. Americans, particulary the Sundance Film Fest hopeful set, are not open to works that are genuinely, formalistically challenging or visually audacious. "Indie film" as most practice it is basically television with swearing. Kevin Smith and Ed Burns really need to die.

― theodore fogelsanger, Tuesday, 22 April 2003 22:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Kevin Smith and Ed Burns really need to die

but then we might have to endure, gulp, retrospectives.

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 22:26 (twenty-two years ago)

1. GUN CRAZY
Tom Green & Johnny Knoxville are the two newest recruits to the US Army's elite Delta Force. After undergoing intense training at Fort Bragg under the tutelage of SFC Eli Mohannon (The Rock), high-yield Humvee hijinx ensue as they are sent to the wastelands of Nagingastistan to hunt down Yo'mama Bin Laden (Christopher Lee)

2. PUT YA WEIGHT ON IT
Martin Lawrence takes a turn for the serious in this somber biopic about the brief career of disco godfather and filmmaker extraordinaire Rudy Ray Moore. It's like Ed Wood, but not.

3. BAM GALACTIC
CG sci-fi actioner wherein a group of five alien bounty hunters out of work come across a MacGuffin and are beset by all sorts of trouble from an evil empire, a faction of mystic insurrectionists, and a flaky girl with an all-amazon entourage who claims noble lineage. Finally they discover the MacGuffin's true purpose after recovering the instruction manual from a buried temple on some remote uninhabited planet - it's like God's cell phone, or something, who cares really

4. WTF
Indie artowank set in a nonspecific metropolis about a fledgling resurgent-industrial three-piece, a girl who just lost her job at the copy shop, her trust-fund female friend whose daddy is a record executive, a hired killer, four drug smugglers, and an undercover detective. They all cross paths back and forth and the editing is really flashy. Then there's like three denouements and all of them are completely predictable given what you already know about the characters. Central to the plot: Money.

― Millar (Millar), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 22:51 (twenty-two years ago)

I would totally go see the first two!

― Nicole (Nicole), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 23:29 (twenty-two years ago)

i found a notebook:

"faux rockumentary based on the life of lita ford"

"Man X: cave drawings revealed to actually be diagrams for the building of ancient machine. Once machine is built and activated by US government, it produces what looks like a common ape but is actually super intelligent. Except the machine cannot be shut down once activated. And the monkeys won't stop coming. Possible stars: the dad from Frazer as the goodly but gruff scientist. Tone Loc as janitor enlisted to lead forces to "Ape Island"."

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 23:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Again with the apes!

― Nicole (Nicole), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 23:37 (twenty-two years ago)

btw it was later revealed that the machine was designed by one of the first apes we had sent into space who had accquired superintelligence in space and was somehow shunted back in time, where, so embittered by his treatment at the hands of the cruel humans, he devised a plan to bring about their destruction in THE FUTURE.

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 23:39 (twenty-two years ago)

sorry nicole, they're my wife and my life

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 23:39 (twenty-two years ago)

I would totally go see the first two!

Yeah, I guess a little creative work in the casting department could totally improve nearly every tired hollywood schtick out there. I mean, they make Malibu's Most Wanted and then they cast who?

― Millar (Millar), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 00:20 (twenty-two years ago)

My cousin's screenplay (he's now a tv writer):

There are a series of gruesome murders across the United States. The FBI investigate and discover, to their horror, that the killer is...THE PRESIDENT! DO they stand by him and let the spree continue or bring him to justice?

― Nordicskillz (Nordicskillz), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 11:15 (twenty-two years ago)

I was about to say "Donald Kaufman to thread" when I noticed it'd been mentioned already and I'd ignored it becuase I thought it was a reference I didn't get => I have the reading and comprehension skills necessary to okay these!

necessary
neccesary
neccessary

Hmm.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 11:49 (twenty-two years ago)

The problem with all these answers is that they sound awesome!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 14:11 (twenty-two years ago)

Do screen wirter's google, if so how long before one of these ideas ends up at the local multiplex?

― Ed (dali), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 14:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Dear god Tracer, I hope you don't include my cousin's effort. It was just after Bill Clinton got into office, so we were imagining all these scenarios -- the killer played a saxophone, had a winning Southern charm, etc.

― Nordicskillz (Nordicskillz), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 14:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Mine: Set in a post office in new testament era Corinth, Greece. Letters keep coming in from Paul to the Corinthians. Post office can't deliver them because there's no specific address. Story revolves around the only two postmen who work in the office. Throw in some gags about upgrading oracles from Mars to Jupiter and it's My Dinner with Andre meets Wholly Moses!.

― lawrence kansas (lawrence kansas), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 14:36 (twenty-two years ago)

"Do screen writers Google?" - a hilarious rom-com about a housebound writer who chances across that winning pitch on an internet forum! Colin Farrell to star.

― Nordicskillz (Nordicskillz), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 14:36 (twenty-two years ago)

The problem with all these answers is that they sound awesome!

Yes. Except for Jess's ape idea, and that's just because I have The Fear of apes. If it were a lizard or something I would approve.

― Nicole (Nicole), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 14:38 (twenty-two years ago)

The ape one was the one I thought most likely to end up in the multiplex.

― Ed (dali), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 14:41 (twenty-two years ago)

apes = america

(make of that what you will)

― jess (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 15:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Shit, lawrence is a genius.

― Sam (chirombo), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 15:07 (twenty-two years ago)

("Shit, lawrence is a genius" = wacky comedy about chimp who can do maths and stuff.)

― Sam (chirombo), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 15:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Skipping 7 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

Would that be Dunston meets Cheech and Chong.

ASAP is clearly a dumb romantic comedy staring sandra bullock.

― Ed (dali), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 18:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Most Valuable Primate 3: Up In Smoke

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 18:23 (twenty-two years ago)

In 1996 I had a crap screenplay idea that was "Withnail and I" set in New York's Edgy Lower East Side. Then I actually moved to LA and lost interest.

I do think the retelling of "Rules of the Game" in a John Hughes homage '80s North Shore stylee that Amateurist and I are going to do has potential, however.

― felicity (felicity), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 18:26 (twenty-two years ago)

I have a fantastic idea that I still need to write. It's a superhero movie where a regular guy gets super powers, but doesn't do anything with them. People come to him and ask him to save the world, help the poor and hungry, etc., but he prefers to stay at home, watch TV, and drink beer.

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 18:34 (twenty-two years ago)

like the ability to communicate instantly over vast distances to complete strangers....

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 18:43 (twenty-two years ago)

http://pluto.imagemagician.com/images/mandalion/asap.JPG

― Mandee, Wednesday, 23 April 2003 19:28 (twenty-two years ago)

My idea's had positive feedback everywhere but here... including from those within the industry.

― Calum, Wednesday, 23 April 2003 19:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Have you considered the fact that this might not be a good thing?

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 19:37 (twenty-two years ago)

"From within the industry" = a friend who works in your local Blockbusters?

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 19:43 (twenty-two years ago)

True . . . sometimes industry people say that so the screenwriter doesn't spit in their food.

― felicity (felicity), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 19:43 (twenty-two years ago)

(sorry for the snarky remark . . . it's just that it's such a cliche to hype yourself like that! . . . oh nevermind, carry on)

― felicity (felicity), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 19:46 (twenty-two years ago)

i can't begin to tell you how happy this thread makes me

― jess (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 19:54 (twenty-two years ago)

as happy as a monkey witha magic beer-funnel?

― Fritz Wollner (Fritz), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 19:58 (twenty-two years ago)

i don't think humans are allowed to be that happy

but close

― jess (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 20:00 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.internettrash.com/users/kamloops/screenplays.html

― Poppy (poppy), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 22:16 (twenty-two years ago)

Calum, your idea rips off my "Slut For Christ" story. I want credit and points.

― j.lu (j.lu), Thursday, 24 April 2003 02:34 (twenty-two years ago)

_The Blue Lagoon_ OWNS this thread.
Scratch that,
_Return To The Blue Lagoon_ OWNS this thread, though that
film had it's borderline-pedophilic merits.

― skwirl plise (Squirrel_Police), Thursday, 24 April 2003 02:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Calum's got this doozy: "a born again Christian using a strip joint to attract sinners to God"

Actually, one of Louis Theroux Weird Weekend shows profiled a hippie christian group in Dallas (pretty sure it was Dallas) who basically did just that. They didn't have a strip joint, but their m.o. was to send their female members out to chat up guys and then take the marks back to their place - which happened to be their church

― Chris Barrus (Chris Barrus), Thursday, 24 April 2003 05:23 (twenty-two years ago)

If I had a nickel for every time that happened to me, I could've just gotten a damn hooker.

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 24 April 2003 05:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Calum's 'idea' is also a bit like the Children of God's 'Flirty Fishing'

― Andrew L (Andrew L), Thursday, 24 April 2003 07:27 (twenty-two years ago)

eight months pass...

More.

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Sunday, 4 January 2004 01:34 (twenty-one years ago)

one month passes...

Heh. So yesterday, I started the zillionth screenplay workshop/class that I have participated in over the last few years. Part of my doing this was a decision to post less to ILX, but I couldn't resist this thread. Ideas from my classmates so far:

Hotshot lawyer goes through messy divorce due to repeated infidelity, but re-discovers the joy of life through a relationship with a "quirky, avant-garde artist".

American girl finds herself all alone on a year abroad in Paris after being dumped by her asshole French boyfriend, and must gain independence and survive the harsh, alien landscape of modern-day Paris

I will not be posting my idea here.

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Thursday, 5 February 2004 20:30 (twenty-one years ago)

Ho! Ho! Ze coquette zinks she can get the revenge in tell-all zcreenplay? Ha! Ha!

― Asshole French Boyfriend (Horace Mann), Thursday, 5 February 2004 20:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Le. P, Le S.: I am the ze world's greatest lover!

― Asshole French Boyfriend (Horace Mann), Thursday, 5 February 2004 20:43 (twenty-one years ago)

more of a comedy sketch:

sabermetric little league coach. hilarity ensues.

― gygax! (gygax!), Thursday, 5 February 2004 20:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah, while we were discussing it, the girl blurted out "Oh, if you didn't know, this is ALL based on my life". Bleeeeeurgh.

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Thursday, 5 February 2004 20:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Do it, gygax!

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Thursday, 5 February 2004 20:45 (twenty-one years ago)

two years ago, my brother and I wrote a treatment for something very similar to School of Rock, only it took place at a summer camp (loser-protag gets free room&board). We even called the loser-protag a "jack black type".

― Huckadelphia (Horace Mann), Thursday, 5 February 2004 20:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah, while we were discussing it, the girl blurted out "Oh, if you didn't know, this is ALL based on my life". Bleeeeeurgh.

Ghastly. But I suppose it worked for Sofia Coppola.

― El Diablo Momustico (Nicole), Thursday, 5 February 2004 20:49 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't know how to pretend that I enjoyed/have any interest in American Beauty or Lost In Translation for the purposes of this class.

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Thursday, 5 February 2004 20:51 (twenty-one years ago)

SHITMAN: THE MOVIE

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Thursday, 5 February 2004 20:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Where do I sign?

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Thursday, 5 February 2004 20:52 (twenty-one years ago)

That's like the ultimate Tad post right there. In fact...

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Thursday, 5 February 2004 20:52 (twenty-one years ago)

i just thought of something mean but maybe for the first time ever i'm not gonna say it

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Thursday, 5 February 2004 20:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Has anyone here seen the Tromadistributed, Mojo Nixon-cameoing, Buttcrack: The Movie?
It is awesome.

― Huckadelphia (Horace Mann), Thursday, 5 February 2004 20:55 (twenty-one years ago)

i just thought of something mean but maybe for the first time ever i'm not gonna say it

I'm sure you'll change your mind sooner or later.

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Thursday, 5 February 2004 20:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Buttcrack is now on DVD!!!
http://www.desertdogfilms.com/bc/quotes.htm

― Huckadelphia (Horace Mann), Thursday, 5 February 2004 21:00 (twenty-one years ago)

KEN: Your pants, they never stay up. Your butt's always sticking out!
WADE: What do you mean? You look at my butt? You are gay,
aren't you!
KEN: What? No!
WADE: Yeah you are! That's why you're always looking at my butt!
Man, you shouldn't be looking at my butt, you should be looking at
girl's butts! You're a sicko!

― Huckadelphia (Horace Mann), Thursday, 5 February 2004 21:02 (twenty-one years ago)

american beauty and lost in translation are easily two of the worst movies i've seen in my life.

― gygax! (gygax!), Thursday, 5 February 2004 21:04 (twenty-one years ago)

i just thought of something mean but maybe for the first time ever i'm not gonna say it

If it's about me, go ahead.

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Thursday, 5 February 2004 21:15 (twenty-one years ago)

no, you're on the "good list"

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Thursday, 5 February 2004 21:20 (twenty-one years ago)

also gygax otm

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Thursday, 5 February 2004 21:20 (twenty-one years ago)

A friend and I have long planned to write a screenplay called "Joanne and Avery" about two kids with down syndrome who take the same schoolbus together--every other afternoon they have a different bus driver, one is played by Nicole Kidman, the other by George Clooney. When the two children are on the bus, they always fall asleep and dream that they are the bus drivers and are in love.
-- Mandee (Wolfshir...), April 23rd, 2003.

I would love this movie!

― jazz odysseus, Thursday, 5 February 2004 21:21 (twenty-one years ago)

I suspect I'm not on the "good list". I'm not any good lists.

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Thursday, 5 February 2004 21:21 (twenty-one years ago)

I'll make your cards, if that will make you feel better.

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Thursday, 5 February 2004 21:24 (twenty-one years ago)

My cards?

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Thursday, 5 February 2004 21:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Cards are better than lists.

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Thursday, 5 February 2004 21:28 (twenty-one years ago)

A dog that plays basketball.

― El Spinktor (El Spinktor), Thursday, 5 February 2004 22:38 (twenty-one years ago)

Much Ado About Nothing adapted into a teen comedy

High-school kids searching for liquor and drugs on graduation night, set up like Waiting for Godot. In my defense, that one came up while I was trashed on my graduation night.

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Thursday, 5 February 2004 22:44 (twenty-one years ago)

'Pi' as a musical...starring Gilbert Godfrey.

― El Spinktor (El Spinktor), Thursday, 5 February 2004 22:47 (twenty-one years ago)

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