A cage went in search of a bird

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A man went to his rabbi and said 'I don't know what to do, my wife's brother is visiting us with his wife and three sons, and they've even brought their dog. There's no room left in our house!' The rabbi said 'Add a cat and some birds. Then, when you get used to the situation, subtract the cat and the birds. Your house will feel much emptier.'

― Momus (Momus), Thursday, 24 April 2003 20:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Two buddhist monks came to a river and were about to wade across when a woman called out 'Hey! Would you help me to cross the river?' The first monk ignored her, but the second lifted her onto his shoulders and carried her across. Two hours later, the first monk said 'Why did you carry that woman across the river? You know we're not allowed to touch women.' The second monk replied 'Put her down! I did, two hours ago.'

― Momus (Momus), Thursday, 24 April 2003 20:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Screw Kafka, Ken Nordine to thread!

― Chris P (Chris P), Thursday, 24 April 2003 21:04 (twenty-two years ago)

There's these two snowmen in a field

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 24 April 2003 21:29 (twenty-two years ago)

one turns to the other and says "can you smell carrots?"

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 24 April 2003 21:30 (twenty-two years ago)

I once met Graham Coxon of Blur. Remembering that a Japanese singer had asked me to get in touch with him in the hope that he could write some songs for her. I asked if he'd be interested in writing something for a Japanese singer. Knowing that the last Blur album had sold millions of copies, I added 'Her records only sell about 100,000 copies. Maybe that's not enough for you to be interested.'

'No, that's too many for me to be interested,' he said.

― Momus (Momus), Thursday, 24 April 2003 21:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Picasso was once accosted on a train by a stranger. 'You're Picasso, aren't you?' said the man. ' Why do you distort people so when you paint them? Why can't you make a realistic portrait of a person?'

'But what would a realistic portrait look like?' Picasso asked. The man produced a photograph of his wife. Picasso peered at it intently then asked 'Is your wife really so small and flat?'

― Momus (Momus), Thursday, 24 April 2003 21:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Salvador Dali was once asked what one thing he would try to take from the Louvre if it were on fire. He replied 'The fire!'

― Momus (Momus), Thursday, 24 April 2003 22:05 (twenty-two years ago)

I hope you're spending exactly one minute a piece typing these.

― Chris P (Chris P), Thursday, 24 April 2003 22:08 (twenty-two years ago)

A 75 year old woman asked God "how much time left do I have on this earth?" God said, "35 years." The woman figured as long as she was going to live another 35 years she might as well try to look young again. So she had a ton of cosmetic surgery, a face lift, a tummy tuck, a nose job, and liposuction. Unfortunately, leaving the surgery she was hit by a car and killed. When she got to Heaven she walked up to God and said, "What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years!" God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"

― Momus (Momus), Thursday, 24 April 2003 22:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Two cows were standing in a field. One turns to the other and says, "So are you worried about this mad cow disease?" The second cows looks round and says, "why would I worry? I'm a helicopter."

― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 24 April 2003 22:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Two American Jews, Saul and Reuben, are visiting Israel and they are keen to savour the uniqueness of that novel and interesting country. They therefore decide to go to a night-club to appreciate the entertainment that is on offer. The most successful turn of the night turns out to be an Israeli comedian. As he tells his jokes, all in Hebrew, the audience are in fits of laughter, with tears running down their faces. Paul suddenly realises, to his surprise that Reuben too is rolling on the floor with laughter. "Hey, Reuben." he said. "how come you are laughing at the jokes? I didn't know you knew any Hebrew!"

"I don't," said Reuben. "It's just that I trust these people."

― Momus (Momus), Thursday, 24 April 2003 22:47 (twenty-two years ago)

I put an ad in a swingers magazine and my parents answered it.

― Momus (Momus), Thursday, 24 April 2003 22:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Doctor doctor I feel like a bridge
What's come over you man?
Twelve cars, three lorries and a bus

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 24 April 2003 22:55 (twenty-two years ago)

'Just at that moment, an endless flow of traffic was crossing the bridge.'

― Momus (Momus), Thursday, 24 April 2003 22:55 (twenty-two years ago)

"Picasso is Spanish - me too. Picasso is a genius - me too. Picasso is a Communist - me neither." Salvador Dali

― Momus (Momus), Thursday, 24 April 2003 23:06 (twenty-two years ago)

What is the sound of one man FAPping?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 24 April 2003 23:14 (twenty-two years ago)

A man came home unexpectedly one day and found his wife in bed with his best friend. 'I do that because I have to,' he said, 'but what's your reason?'

― Momus (Momus), Thursday, 24 April 2003 23:15 (twenty-two years ago)

From Cage to the Catskills.

― Chris P (Chris P), Thursday, 24 April 2003 23:42 (twenty-two years ago)

The next day's dinner is over, and the 'trial run' of the new joke system begins. "Forty-eight!", shouts Stan, and immediately the room erupts in laughter. "Twenty-five"! bellows Marv, and a hearty chuckle is heard all round. "Number Thirteen!", exclaims George - and, once again, the room breaks up. After most of the laughter dies down, the hearty guffaw of one solitary man remains. Ed, sitting at the back of the room, sits laughing to himself for what must be the whole of five minutes. Herb goes over to him - "Ed, you alright? what's that funny?

Ed, catching his breath, says..
"I've never heard that one before".

― mitch lastnamewithheld (mitchlnw), Friday, 25 April 2003 00:23 (twenty-two years ago)

A Man goes to a doctor to cure his cough. "HOw long have you had this condition? asks the doctor? "Since last teusday" says the man. The doctor shoves a huge slab of cheese down the man's throat and the man dies. Then the doctor takes his wallet and his car and goes to live in Mexico. When he gets there , all the mexicans say " Hey! There that doctor taht cures coughs with cheese and death!' and they all run over with crackers and tombstones.

― Mike Hanle y (mike), Friday, 25 April 2003 03:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Mike Hanle y I kiss you.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 25 April 2003 03:06 (twenty-two years ago)

I like how Saul becomes Paul in one of the jokes. Just like in the bible!

― rosemary (rosemary), Friday, 25 April 2003 03:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Saul McCartney = Phil Spector?

― Frühlingsmute (Wintermute), Friday, 25 April 2003 03:36 (twenty-two years ago)

At the old age home, it's customary to relate a few jokes after dinner. Every night, the same men sit on the same sofa cushions tellings the same old gags. "Listen", Herb says, "let's not kid ourselves here. We're not getting any younger, we've only got so much time left, let's make things a little quicker and a little easier while we're all still here. How about we assign a certain number to every joke - that way, we only have to say the number, and everybody gets the idea".
The next day's dinner is over, and the 'trial run' of the new joke system begins. "Forty-eight!", shouts Stan, and immediately the room erupts in laughter. "Twenty-five"! bellows Marv, and a hearty chuckle is heard all round. "Number Thirteen!", exclaims George - and, once again, the room breaks up.

Then a new resident decides to try a joke, so he says "Thirty-three!" The room is silent, save for a few half-hearted courtesy titters. What's wrong, he asks, I heard Bill tell that joke a couple days ago and it got a big laugh. Responds Steve, "It's the way he tells it."

― nickn (nickn), Friday, 25 April 2003 08:16 (twenty-two years ago)

Fifty years after the October Revolution, the American industry rules cinema the world over. There is nothing much to add to this statement of fact. Except that on our own modest level we too should provoke two or three Vietnams in the bosom of the vast Hollywood-Cinecitta-Mosfilm-Pinewood etc. empire, and, both economically and aesthetically, struggling on two fronts as it were, create cinemas which are national, free, brotherly, comradely and bonded in friendship.

Jean-Luc Godard, 1967

― Momus (Momus), Friday, 25 April 2003 08:18 (twenty-two years ago)

Lenin was about to visit Helsinki. The town fathers were making preparations for the big event. A famous Finnish painter was assigned to do a painting to commemorate the occasion. The painting was to be titled "Lenin in Helsinki", but otherwise the painter was given free hands.

Comes the day "Lenin in Helsinki" is exposed. The painter pulls the veil off the painting. The painting depicts a bedroom, with a man a woman lying naked between the sheets. The town fathers are shocked.

"What's this?" asks the Mayor of Helsinki. "Who's that woman?"

"That's Nadezhda Krupskaya, Lenin's wife." answers the painter.

"Well, whose the man?"

"That's the head of the Secret Police."

"What! Where's Lenin, then?"

"Lenin is in Helsinki."

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 25 April 2003 10:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Nihilism? I tried it, but after a while I just couldn't see the point

― stevem (blueski), Friday, 25 April 2003 10:35 (twenty-two years ago)

I used to be a schizophrenic werewolf, but we're alright nooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

― stevem (blueski), Friday, 25 April 2003 10:35 (twenty-two years ago)

that last one is Copyright Connor Smeddley

― stevem (blueski), Friday, 25 April 2003 10:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Whats the deal with drive -up banks? You don't drive up and you don't bank! You run into the lobby creating a waterfall of deadly glass shards, enough to ruin th world!
Sienfeld , 1974

― Mike Hanle y (mike), Friday, 25 April 2003 12:31 (twenty-two years ago)

I met Laurie Anderson on the street one day. And I said 'Whoa! It's one of those Laurie Anderson clones I keep hearing about!' And she said, in this funny deep voice, 'Watch out, there, Momus, don't trip on the sidewalk! You're walking, and you don't always realize it, but you're always falling. But watch out for all this expensive audio visual equipment I'm carrying! This stuff doesn't grow on trees, you know! There are strange angels catching you from falling! Oh, is that the white courtesy telephone? I can't talk long I'm expected in a Dairy Queen on another planet, so tell me next time what kind of dreams you've been having or better yet don't tell me at all because I'm not really interested.'

And with that she was gone, with a faint whiff of white lily and a tiny ripple of applause.

― Momus (Momus), Friday, 25 April 2003 15:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Odd, I met Louie Anderson on the street one day, and he said the same thing.

― martin mushrush (mushrush), Friday, 25 April 2003 15:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Was there also the faint whiff of white lily?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 25 April 2003 15:42 (twenty-two years ago)

I met Lillian Hellman on the street one day. There was a faint whiff of mayonnaise.

― Chris P (Chris P), Friday, 25 April 2003 15:46 (twenty-two years ago)

"Don't you see! Don't you see why we need to eat clampie! Without the proper oceanographic nutrients we shall succomb to Henry Kissenger disease and have slumpface! It is A PRIORI! "
President Jimmy Carter's Speech to American Girls Association of Spatula Hatred, 1984

― Mike Hanle y (mike), Saturday, 26 April 2003 09:22 (twenty-two years ago)

at univeristy ronald firbank was once seen running in sport trunks. when vyvian holland asked him if it was for rugby or soccer ronald answered :oh, i was never near enough to see that"

― Erik, Saturday, 26 April 2003 09:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Definitely apocryphal, but what the hell: one day Evelyn Waugh was hurrying down the narrow London passage leading to the offices of I can’t remember which periodical, when he saw a bulky figure walking towards him.

‘Stand aside, fellow!’ he cried. ‘I never give way to fat fools!’

With infinite dignity, the bulky figure – G K Chesterton – stood back and let him pass, with the words: ‘I always do.’

― Rex (Rex), Saturday, 26 April 2003 13:38 (twenty-two years ago)

"Champagne for my real friends...real pain for my sham friends"

(this is a line from the new Spike Lee movie but i'm wondering if it was nicked from something else.)

― stevem (blueski), Saturday, 26 April 2003 14:38 (twenty-two years ago)

That line's been circulating for a while -- it is a good one, though.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 26 April 2003 14:45 (twenty-two years ago)

"Beer for my real freinds - rosewater for my enemies. And Iced blood for Ned Ragget"

― Mike Hanle y (mike), Sunday, 27 April 2003 03:48 (twenty-two years ago)

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